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96390961-business-man-holding-wedding-band-gettyimagesIf a ring is a sign of marriage, should there be a sign for divorce? How do you handle simple social situations and interactions regarding your divorce? Do you come right out and tell people you are divorced, wait until it comes up in conversation, or ignore it completely? What about when someone asks you if you have a family? When my recently divorced neighbor moved into my neighborhood they first thing I had asked him was if he had a family. Once you’re past 30 it seems to be the natural conversation maker, so now how do you respond to that question? Some divorcees chose to keep wearing their wedding ring to possibly avoid these social situations, avoid the stigma of divorce, or maybe to avoid being hit on! Wedding rings are symbols of marriage, and once that marriage ends, it becomes unnecessary and possibly misleading to continue to wear a wedding ring. Some may wear the wedding ring on the opposite hand, or have it made into a different piece of jewelry. Interestingly enough, according to “Popular Mechanics” magazine British women in the 1920s would cut notches into their rings to symbolize divorce. Having children brings up another societal stigma regarding having a ring on your finger. A recent conversation with a widowed friend brought forth this subject as well. She had been wearing her wedding ring for three years since her husband’s death. Feeling that closeness to him played a part in it, but she said she mainly continued to wear it because she didn’t want to feel that society was judging her for being a “single mom” when she was in public with her child. Divorced mothers can surely relate. Many people struggle with what and how much to tell strangers, acquaintances, and co-workers. What do you think? Sometimes do you wish that there was a “sign” or “code” so that people just know and you can avoid the questions, would you rather keep it a secret when meeting new people, or are you open to questions?
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155134777-sunrise-bursts-through-dense-fog-and-trees-gettyimagesPeace is possible though we are surrounded by conflict.  In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.”  Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons.  This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale.  And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.

The end of a marriage has some similarities to the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences.  Is it possible to disconnect without civil war?  Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle.  Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and well-being of children.

I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility.   In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace.  We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:

1.     I will be impeccable with my word.

2.     I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.

3.     I will make no assumptions.

4.     I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.

In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved.  Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting in the future.  And the world your children will inhabit is in the future.  Let it be a peaceful one.

     
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collaborative divorce optionsThe longer I work as a neutral child specialist, the more important I realize it is to help divorcing parents have meaningful conversations about the possibility that one or both of them will enter into new significant relationships while their children are growing up.  New significant relationships usually generate a range of emotions and reactions in all family members, some of which are unanticipated.  It’s not uncommon for families to re-engage with me when a parent remarries or re-partners to help ensure that children’s best interests are kept at the center of a new family dynamic. New relationships introduce another element of change and uncertainty into co-parenting.  Parenting arrangements for the holidays that were working well may suddenly be called into question.  Boundaries may need new clarification, e.g. who is welcome to attend parent-teacher conferences or take children to their swim meets.  Advance planning and discussions that normalize potential co-parenting road bumps can help parents stay centered on what’s best for their children. Here are five basic considerations regarding new significant relationships:
  1. Give yourself sufficient time to heal.  Divorce is a major life crisis.  Entering into a new relationship too quickly increases the likelihood that you will not have had time to master the emotional and relational lessons to be learned from your marriage so that you can be truly ready for a new significant attachment.
  2. Give your children sufficient time to heal.  Children are deeply affected by a divorce.  Many children tell me the news felt like a bad dream, and what helps them adjust is getting used to the “new normal” over time.  Adding additional changes too quickly can negatively impact children’s energy, focus, emotional stability and resilience.
  3. Inform your co-parent before introducing a new significant other to your children.  This is not only a courtesy between parents, but it also helps keeps children out of the middle when they know the new relationship is not a secret.
  4. If you are co-parenting, any new partner or spouse will need to understand and honor the fact that you have a preexisting lifelong co-parenting relationship.  It can be a big red flag if a new person seems threatened by or not accepting of your co-parenting relationship.
  5. Children may experience insecurity, jealousy or other worries regarding new adults and children who are increasingly present during their time with a parent.  This can be especially challenging if step-children get to spend more actual time with this parent than do his or her own children.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s cues about needing attention, and plan dates and special time with them.
When co-parents are prepared to communicate effectively and work cooperatively on behalf of their children, the introduction of new mature significant others to children who are emotionally ready for this change can be a positive experience for all family members.
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129816143If you put two smart, equally powerful people together to solve a problem with no clear right or wrong answer, they will likely come up with at least two possible solutions, and will often disagree on which solution is the best. The conundrum then becomes, which solution will be chosen? Who gets to choose? What is the basis for making this particular choice? Must one solution win and the other lose?  Now imagine that the two people trying to solve the problem are getting divorced.  The problem solving process now is emotionally as well as cognitively challenging. Collaborative Practice is founded on the idea that two smart and equally powerful people getting a divorce should be given the opportunity to create their own resolutions outside of court. But often the problems that need to be solved in a divorce do not have clear right or wrong answers.  In an emotionally charged situation, it’s easy for even the most thoughtful people to become positional and fall into a win-lose mindset, which exacerbates conflict and adds to the emotional and financial expense of the divorce process. Instead of encouraging clients to engage in positional thinking, Collaborative professionals use a process called interest-based negotiation which aims at creating win-win rather than win-lose solutions. Interest-based negotiation explores the interests, needs or values underlying positions. At this deeper level, people can often gain new insights into self and other that help them become more flexible problem solvers. I have Collaborative clients who agreed I could share their story of how interest-based negotiation helped them reach a very creative resolution regarding parenting time. These parents had agreed that a co-equal parenting time schedule would work well for their children. Based on their children’s ages, they were considering a developmentally appropriate 2-2-5-5 parenting time arrangement, in which one parent would be on duty every Monday and Tuesday night, the other parent every Wednesday and Thursday night, and weekends would alternate. But neither parent was really satisfied with this outcome. This co-equal resolution did not feel like a win-win solution; instead, both felt they were losing something important and thus couldn’t agree to this schedule. We needed to go deeper for resolution. Below the surface of the co-equal schedule proposal, some of each parent’s core interests were not being addressed.  Dad felt sadness at giving up two Friday game nights with the kids each month. Mom was unhappy about losing two Sunday worship services with the kids each month.  These were special family times for each parent.  As parents shared these concerns with each other, they reached an agreement that Dad could continue to have every Friday evening for game night, but would bring the kids to Mom’s house later on her parenting time weekends. Mom could bring the kids to church on the Sunday evenings they were scheduled to have weekends with Dad, and bring them to his house after church. These resourceful parents succeeded at reaching a unique and creative solution that would work for their family in the context of the broader parenting time arrangement.  And best of all, the primary beneficiaries are their children.  
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149261495Every once in awhile a movie comes along that gives us an important glimpse into the world of divorce.  Richard Linklater’s movie Boyhood is one of those rare films. It tells the story of a divorced family over a period of twelve years in a way that has moved audiences and impressed critics all over the world. It won the Golden Globes and Critics Award for Best Picture and is one of the favorites to win the Oscar for best picture as well. One of the unique features of the movie is that it was filmed over a period of 12 years, so you actually watch the boy grow from age 6 to 18. Seeing the real actors grow over time does seem to make it feel more real and by the end of the film the viewer gets a powerful sense of how this world feels, particularly for the children. Parents who have been through a divorce, or who see the possibility of divorce, are likely to be particularly moved by the film. While the movie clearly shows the pain and difficulty that the children face from living in two homes, and in having to adapt to new step-parents, it is not a grim account designed to make us feel that children of divorce are doomed. Indeed, Linklater, who acknowledges that the movie is based loosely on his life, says he was more interested in just showing that, for many families this world is very real. Over the twelve years, the boy, and his older sister, face many of the same issues faced by most children; the fact that they experienced those issues in separate homes adds a different dimension to their lives but, at least in this movie, does not devastate the family. Without spoiling the movie, it can be said that the divorced parents in the movie, while clearly imperfect, work through their life experiences without intense bitterness toward each other and, in the end that seems to have made all of the difference. I have, over the years, observed divorcing parents who never truly overcame their grief or anger. When I imagine the “Boyhood” story with these parents, I realize the story would have a completely different feeling. For me one of the messages that the movie underscores is that divorcing parents can be imperfect, and they can make the mistakes that we all make; but if their love of their children prevails, and they come to resolve their issues of grief and anger, their children can thrive. In my 32 years as a divorce attorney, I have witnessed every variation of the “Boyhood” story. My observations have convinced me that, for most divorcing parents, the method they choose for their divorce can make all of the difference. When it comes to divorce, some sadness, fear, and anger are inevitable. However, choosing a process that will help you resolve those issues, rather than inflame these emotions is crucial. To learn more about your choices, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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181216069In a recent first meeting with new clients, I was obtaining family history to help ground me in both parents’ perspectives on issues related to their divorce. A comment by the dad struck a chord for me. He said, “I believe the way I can become the best parent to my child is by getting a divorce.” At first glance this comment seems counter-intuitive. Most children would prefer their parents remain married or partnered and under one roof. Divorce is usually a life crisis for children and their parents. Divorce is necessarily about grief and loss. How does it follow that a divorce can result in better parenting? The answer is that many parents whose marriages don’t work are able to enter into a co-parenting relationship that does work. In these families, children remain at the center of their parents’ concern and out of the middle of their parents’ conflicts. Especially if the decision to get unmarried is mutual, and a reservoir of trust and good will about parenting has been preserved, it can relieve a great deal of stress in the home to decide (though often with great sadness) to let go of the marriage while embracing a new lifelong role as co-parents. Children can continue to feel safe and loved in the context of a healthy co-parenting relationship. Effective co-parents are mindful and committed to being present for and attuned to the needs of their children, and this is the foundation of their children’s resilience and hope. Collaborative Team Practice offers specialized mental health resources to support and reinforce healthy and effective co-parenting during and after a divorce. Neutral child specialists and neutral coaches help parents create Parenting Plans and Relationship Plans as detailed and unique guides for positive co-parenting. It is indeed possible to divorce with the goal of becoming the best parent one can be.
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During my childhood, a common folk saying was, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Clearly this adage predated the internet age. Children can be hurt by words, and need our protection. Probably most people you know send texts and are connected to a social media network.  Texting and social media are easily accessible and help people feel connected. The average American adult user of social media is plugged in 3.2 hours per day, sharing and receiving information online. Parents and their children often belong to the same social media networks. The impression that text exchanges and social networks are private and personal is problematic. Although there are privacy settings that can restrict sharing to specific online friends, people don’t always use them, nor are online posters always careful to self-filter and think twice about what they share. Even when messages are taken down, what goes up on the internet really never goes away. What does this have to do with protecting children during a divorce?  Here are a few cautionary tales:
  • A woman who was very hurt and feeling betrayed by her husband posted on Facebook in very colorful language about what a jerk he was, including vivid, angry descriptions of his undesirable qualities. Even though privacy settings were used to limit the posts to her close friends, the Facebook page was up on her opened laptop and read by her son when he arrived home from school, causing him considerable distress.
  • A daughter asked to use her dad’s phone and discovered romantic texts he had exchanged with a girlfriend. The shocked daughter shared this information with her mother, and then felt responsible for their subsequent divorce.
  • A few months after her parents’ divorce, a child discovered that her mother’s status on her Facebook homepage had been changed to “In a relationship.” This was upsetting to the child, who was still adjusting to the reality if the divorce.
During a divorce, it is easy for parents to become distracted. These scenarios illustrate how children can be unintentionally hurt by parents’ use of social media and texting. On behalf of keeping children safe and out of the middle, I strongly encourage parents to be careful and mindful with their online and texting behavior, especially during a divorce.    
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81897035The holiday season is upon us with all of its beauty, tradition and unreal expectations. It can be a stressful time for even the most grounded person. For someone newly divorced and still sorting out their new life, the challenges that the holiday season imposes can add a whole new level of stress if one doesn’t meet those challenges head on. It’s the financial impact of the holidays that we want to address today. Buying presents, decorating and entertaining can put a big hole in your budget if you are not careful. It can turn out to be a holiday hangover that lasts until summer. Meet the holiday spending challenge head on by getting a grasp on how much you can reasonably spend above and beyond your normal day-to-day spending. Follow that up with a holiday spending worksheet listing all the added expenses, including presents, cards, decorations, groceries, clothing, charitable donations, travel and dining out. Divide up your holiday spending dollars amongst the items on your list.  Now, prioritize your spending by putting the most important holiday items at the top of your spending list. Focus on purchasing the high priority items first. If high priority items, like presents or travel expenses, end up costing more than you budgeted, you will need to cut back on the low priority items. When it comes to presents, the holidays call for cooperation rather than competition. Trying to outdo your ex-spouse, particularly with the presents, is only going to add to the holiday stress. Share with your ex-spouse what you intend to buy and the things you know your child wants. Since it is likely that your child is going to celebrate Christmas twice, each spouse might want to agree to buy smaller items. If your child just has to have a really expensive item, considers splitting the cost. This is your opportunity to make new traditions. Look for ways to celebrate the holidays that focus on togetherness rather spending. Making cookies and homemade decorations, or helping out a charity, can all be done for minimal cost while instilling what the spirit of the season is really about. Avoid the holiday blues by approaching them with the right attitude. Look on the bright side, now is your chance to get rid of those awful holiday traditions of your ex-spouse. Here is your chance to start new traditions that truly reflect what you value and what you want your family to remember for years to come.
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183366754This time of year (between Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah) can bring extra challenges for couples going through divorce.  Here are some things to keep in mind if you are in the middle of the process.
  1. Focus on the positives. Even though there may be conflict and pain, keeping a positive outlook and good attitude can help the holidays feel less tense. Fake it if you need to – sometimes the “pretend” attitude will actually make things feel easier.
  2. Keep the children out of the conflict. If you have children try and make the holiday special for them by avoiding conflict. If you need to work with a counselor or child specialist in order to make it through the holiday, do so. Whatever you can do to make the children feel special will is important for their well-being.
  3. Take part in tradition if you can, otherwise, bow out gracefully. Take part in traditions and family events if you can comfortably. Sometimes, the discomfort is too great. Instead of fighting through it, you can avoid the conflict and let people know “I am not comfortable attending, but wish you all the best.”
  4. Remember how you spend this holiday does not need to be precedential for future holidays. Talk to your attorney or family specialist on parenting time schedules and holiday planning. While you are In the middle of the process, you may agree to temporary parenting schedules to try out certain arrangements to give the children consistency during the process.  More permanent arrangements can be made later.
  5. Find comfort in your spiritual beliefs. If you are religious or have a faith-based practice, utilizing those resources and beliefs can be helpful in difficult times. Sometimes thinking about the meaning behind holidays can be more meaningful and enjoyable, than the celebrations.
  6. Set new traditions. The holidays during a divorce may be the first opportunity to try new things. Maybe it is the first year you cook the turkey or maybe you start a new Christmas Eve tradition if your parenting schedule allows for it. This may be an exciting opportunity.
  7. Be kind. Whatever your religious beliefs, holidays are often about love, kindness, and celebration. Spreading cheer may help you to feel better and may make the world around you a little brighter. Such positive energy may be just what you need to get a lift during the holidays.
Many people going through divorce feel the first holiday season is the most difficult. While your family structure may be changing, how you behave and the part you play in the holidays can lead to satisfaction and joy. Reach out to your collaborative attorney or specialists to learn more.
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184971497According to a Holiday Consumer Spending Survey by Consumer Affairs the average person celebrating Christmas, Kwanzaa and/or Hanukkah will spend $804.42 on gifts this 2014 holiday season. If you are separated or going through a divorce, chances are that figure is simply not feasible for you. The good news is, that is just an estimated average, and for the most part completely unnecessary. The holidays can often be a budget breaker – but they don’t have to be! Saving for the holidays should not start on black Friday! Develop a budget that accounts for gift giving year round. Consider all the holidays, birthdays, and any anniversaries that you typically choose give for. If you have kids, once they are in school they will likely get invited to many birthday parties. You should also account for these occasions and develop a system that works for your budget to allow your child to take a gift to the party. Whether that means stocking up when a popular age-appropriate gift goes on sale, or just having the room in your gift budget to account for these gifts. Often times these party invites may come with less than a week’s notice. Being mindful of your gift giving budget will help you not to blow $50 on a gift on a whim. When you were married, and probably had more disposable income, you may have fell into a gift giving routine that included birthday and Christmas giving to you friends and neighbors and their children. Decide where your gift giving priorities lie, and don’t feel guilty being straightforward and setting lower expectations with people. Giving makes people feel happy, and if that’s the case for you, you don’t need to completely cut back. Look for ideas on Pinterest – handmade gifts go a long way. Find a fun quote that fits your Mom/Aunt/friend/etc., print it off, and put it in a dollar store frame, viola! Dust off a bottle of wine to give to your wine loving friend. Go on a nature walk, find some pine cones and create a holiday wreath. If you like to can foods in the fall, make jam, or bake, those goodies make wonderful gifts! Turn your children’s old broken crayons into brand new fun shapes with the help of inexpensive molds. Find clip art online and create a personalized children’s coloring book using the child’s name throughout the book, which you can print off at home. The possibilities are endless, and inexpensive, handmade gifts don’t look “cheap,” they look thoughtful!