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180411776-studio-shot-of-books-stacked-and-apple-next-gettyimagesNow that everyone is back to school, here are some important things to remember for divorced families: 1. Be Mindful of the Schedule. Parents often look forward to the routine and structure of school, that is often lost in the summer months. Kids need that same sort of structure.  Depending on the age of the children, help keep them apprised of the schedule with an online-scheduler or written calendar.  Remember that changes to a schedule affect everyone – so be mindful of how adjustments will be accepted by everyone.  You have to balance flexibility and adaptability. 2. Stock up on School Supplies. Kids often display anxiety with the need to remember clothes, school supplies, or materials for extra curricular activities (sports equipment, musical instruments, school supplies, etc.).  Make sure both houses are stocked up or the kids have a good routine (with parent support) to make sure they have everything they need at both homes. 3. Start Communicating. There are so many elements of children’s daily lives that they are interested in sharing after a busy day at school. And then the school often communicates with parents via emails or handouts.  Sometimes things are learned during school pick-up or by talking to another parent.  This information should be shared — come up with a routine for sharing relevant information about the kids so that both parents are fully informed. Daily emails or texts are often an easy way to keep the off duty parent informed. 4. Plan for Homework and Activities. Kids often have full schedules afters school. Between homework and extra-curricular activities, many parents feel as if their after school hours are as busy as their work days.  Together with the children come up with a plan to manage the responsibilities every day.  It is okay to have different schedules at each home, but consider coordinating efforts or sharing your plan so both homes can best support the children. 5. Plan for Downtime. Life gets busy.  Make effort to find time for fun and relaxation as the busy life of school starts up.  Everyone deserves a break – so plan for a game night or go see a movie.  You will all appreciate a little downtime.  
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138524804-oranges-gettyimagesWhat can an orange possibly help us with in our collaborative divorce or any divorce process for that matter? You may have heard about interest based negotiations vs. position based negotiations. When I am working as a financial neutral or mediator with divorcing couples, I use an orange to demonstrate these two different approaches. I place an orange on the table and then say to the couple; here we have one orange for the two of you. How are you going to decide who gets the orange? Most people will say cut it in half. While this certainly works, it may not be the best approach. Here is why. I then tell them each why they want the orange. One wants it to eat because they are hungry. The other wants the orange peel for baking. Now if we were to cut it in half as most people will say they both only get half of what they need. It is only when they state why the orange is important to them that an agreement can be reached. When negotiating divorce issues think of the orange and remember to talk about your interests instead of locking into a position. The quicker you get to the interests you will be that much closer to an agreement. Not only is emotion and conflict minimized you also get more of what you need/want.  Think orange.
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51MfVDOlEkL._SX338_BO1,204,203,200_In his book about how to avoid human conflict, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests these four agreements that a person makes with himself or herself: 1.  I will be impeccable with my word. 2.  I will not personalize the anything the other person says, does, feels, thinks or believes. 3.  I will make no assumptions. 4.  I will do my best each day with the energy I have been given. This post will focus on the Third Agreement, which can be very difficult to keep, in part because of how we are wired. Our human brains are constantly analyzing our environment and making conscious and subconscious decisions about whether or not a threat exists. Without this vigilance, we would not have survived as a species. Our vigilant human brains are also designed to categorize and sort, and then to recognize patterns. When patterns repeat, we give the patterns a meaning and define this as learning. This is how our brains are designed to work. However, it can happen that when we recognize patterns, we give them the wrong meaning. We can make an incorrect assumption (which is the definition of a superstition).  We get further and further from real meaning if we persist in believing and acting on our assumptions. This can create unnecessary misunderstanding and conflict, and it happens all the time, especially in intimate relationships. Rather than make assumptions, it is important to remain open to alternate interpretations and ask good questions. One can easily make misguided assumptions even when absolutely sure one is right.  When I met my mother-in-law, her home was filled with frog ornaments. For years, family members gave her frog-themed items for her birthday and Christmas, and she found places to display them all. After 10 years, I happened to ask her when she first started to like frogs.  She responded, “Oh, I don’t like frogs.”  All evidence to the contrary! I said in puzzlement, “But you have such a collection of frogs, I just assumed you liked them.” She smiled and told about receiving frog-decorated towels as a thank you gift from a guest.  She put the towels in her guest bathroom, and the next guests assumed she liked frogs and bought her a frog ornament, which she promptly displayed. What was never true about my wonderful mother-in-law was that she liked frogs. What was true was that she proudly displayed the gifts she was given, to honor the givers. In the relationship crisis of a divorce or break up, it can be especially easy to make negative assumptions about one’s spouse or partner, and express these assumptions directly to other people. A child once told me in tears about hearing one parent say to the other, “This divorce is proof you never really loved your family.” Making the Third Agreement helps ensure that children will be kept at the center and out of the middle.    
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451881463-clipboard-and-check-list-icon-gettyimagesIt can be hard to find a divorce attorney and start the process.  There are process options and it is sometimes difficult to pick an attorney and find a guide through the process.  Here are ten questions to ask as you learn about divorce and try to determine who to hire.
  1. What are my divorce options?  There are different ways to obtain a divorce in Minnesota Clients can file papers on their own without attorneys, use mediation, litigate their divorce, or have a full collaborative divorce. A good attorney should talk to you about all of the options, even if they don’t practice all.
  2. Will we work with other professionals?  When meeting with an attorney, ask who else they suggest you hire – financial neutrals, family specialists, parenting neutrals, coach or other expert. 
  3. How do most of your cases go? Attorneys may have similarities in their cases or a typical of case. It is good to know how many of the attorney’s cases proceed. 
  4. What divorce method or issue do you have most expertise? Attorneys may specialize in one process (like collaborative law) or a particular issue (like cash flow or non-marital tracing).
  5. Who controls the process? There is significant difference between a court-controlled process (litigation) and client-centered process (particularly collaborative law). Ask about the difference and what the attorney does most.
  6. What role will I play in the process? You should know up front what your attorney expects of you – are you a document gatherer or high level decision maker? Are you along for the ride or an active controller of the process?
  7. How should my spouse and I communicate during the process? Some attorneys advise very little communication between spouses during the process. Other processes, allow for spouses to communicate if needed and comfortable outside of the process. Some clients need to communicate about parenting and others may want to try and work some issues through outside of the process.
  8. How much do you charge and what is the payment process? In addition to knowing the attorney’s hourly rate, you should know if your attorney accepts credit cards or requires a retainer up front.
  9. Are there ways I can keep the costs down? An attorney should work with you to keep costs down — ask about the ways they will do it.
  10. What do you like about this type of work? It is important that you feel comfortable with your attorney and understand how you will work together.  Asking some questions about their practice and experience may give you insight into what your attorney is like and why they are practicing family law.
These questions should help you figure out who is the best fit for you.
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174895184-conflict-gettyimagesA strategy used by some divorcing spouses and their attorneys is to threaten that they will take the other spouse to court. Threatening court is a negotiation strategy in an effort to get the other side to give up or significantly compromise their position(s). When attorneys use this tactic, they often will prepare for a trial. The trial preparation ends up being extremely expensive and emotionally exhausting for the involved spouses. Often a hatred for the other spouse develops because of trials and/or the threatened use of court. The reality is a small fraction of divorces end up in trial. The overwhelming reason those cases do end up in trial is because spouses and their attorneys refuse to negotiate. Sometimes a spouse will tell their attorney to go for the throat or they say I want to make him/her pay. It is the divorcing spouses and unfortunately their children, if any, that end up paying the price financially and emotionally. Seeking revenge does not have a place in any divorce process and accompanied by an unwillingness to negotiate in good faith sets up a strategy to fail. Collaborative divorce on the other hand takes the threatened use of court totally out of the picture. Both spouses are represented by their own collaboratively trained attorney. Spouses and attorneys alike commit in writing not to go to court. Conceptually this enhances the likelihood of reaching agreements by placing the spouses and their attorneys on the same side of the table in an effort to settle on all issues. Let me ask you which process do you think provides both spouses with a potentially better outcome? Which process do you think you will have the most control over the outcome?   Which process will give your children, if any, a better opportunity for future success by creating an effective co-parenting plan? Finally, which process will seek to minimize the stress both emotionally and financially for you and your spouse? Download this free divorce knowledge kit showing a comparison chart between collaborative divorce and a court-based litigation process, case studies, and general information how a collaborative divorce may benefit you. Additional divorce resources can be found under the about us section at www.integrashieldfinancial.com. Remember to choose your process wisely.
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78485715-family-talking-outdoors-gettyimagesIt happens all the time – the parents who stayed married “for the kids” eventually do go ahead with the divorce. When parents’ divorce while the kids are still young, or at least minors, the children really have no choice but to adjust to their new schedules, in most cases they still see both parents, and after a while their parent’s divorce is a thing of the past and eventually everyone learns to live with their new normal. No, it’s not always quite that easy, but as minors, even when the children are upset with one parent they have no choice but to accept that they are still under both parent’s roofs and rules, and generally they enter adulthood having established some form of relationships with both of their parents as individuals. When couples with adult children divorce things can be a bit dicer to navigate. Adult children are not forced to maintain a relationship or share custody with either parent. Taking sides and determining loyalty may be expected from parents knowing that their children are old enough to make their own judgements. Instead of these parents deciding where the children have to spend holidays those are now decisions adult children now need to make on their own. These decisions can make for very difficult situations for adults, and can even lead to family fall outs. Unlike when children are young, people don’t concern themselves with the emotional, physical, and financial toll of divorce on adult offspring. Watching the family home and assets being packed up and fought over shatters your world, no matter how old you are. So how can you make your divorce easier on your adult children? Encourage them to focus on their own lives. Don’t put them into a situation where they are forced to choose a side. It’s unrealistic to expect your adult children to spend Christmas eve with Dad and Christmas day with Mom, especially as they establish families of their own. Respect boundaries, divorce with dignity by not bad mouthing your ex to their children – just because they are adults and can handle it, doesn’t mean they should have to. This isn’t to say that you should keep things from your adult children, simply that unhealthy bashing is not good for either party. It’s natural to need to talk about the divorce and your past, but having a good friend to vent to rather than your children may help you to filter what is necessary for your children to know or not. Maybe you are not quite to the graying divorce yet – perhaps you are amongst those with younger children still and are considering a divorce or “Staying together for the children.” Research shows that adult children of divorce are less satisfied in their lives compared to adults from intact and happy families, however, they ARE happier than adults from families that were miserable but stayed together. This confirms that if you and your spouse really can’t stand each other, and “staying together for the children” means raising them in a miserable and unhappy home, divorce might be a better idea.
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It does not matter in the life of a child how much money you have in your bank account or really how fancy of a home you may live in. What matters most to that child is the quality time that two loving and caring parents can give that child. I will also say being the father of three adult children this does not change with age at least not with my kids. Ten or twenty years from your divorce the one thing you and your children will remember is how you and your spouse went through this most difficult time in your life. Ask yourself how you would like to have your children remember it. Did they feel trapped in the middle like many children of divorce or did you and your spouse work together to keep them front and center. Your kids will remember and so will you. As a financial neutral and mediator, I use agendas to start meetings to give us a track to run on. Part of that agenda includes a section titled, “Let’s Have a Conversation People Before Numbers”.   I explain that as people they are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow statement. Sometimes it is too easy to get so caught up in the numbers of divorce negotiations the couple forgets that they are living breathing human beings with needs, interests, feelings and emotions. Sure, the financial issues are important but I believe in putting people ahead of numbers. Want to have successful divorce negotiations put yourself in the shoes of your spouse, which may be easier said than done. If you can do this, if you can put your spouse before the numbers, the numbers tend to work themselves out. Do this and not only you and your spouse will remember how you handled this most difficult time in your life, your children will too.
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Divorce is difficult and painful; so it can feel very important to have friends, family and an attorney “On Your Side”.  But what does that truly mean?  Sometimes, during a divorce having someone “on your side” might mean the very opposite of what your instincts tell you. Let’s take this example.   Imagine that you are near the end of the divorce negotiation and your spouse has made what seems like his or her final proposal.  If the case cannot be settled, the judge is going to schedule this matter for trial. You want to settle, but the settlement seems very unfair to you, particularly since your spouse was the one who had an affair and your spouse is the one who files for divorce. Your instincts and feelings tell you to reject the agreement “out of principle”. You go to your closest friends and family members and ask them what they think, because they are truly “on your side.” In my opinion, without even knowing the details of the proposal, I believe there is at least a 90% likelihood that your friends and family will agree that the proposal is unfair.  How could I know that?  Because, over the past 32 years of representing divorce clients, that is what my clients have reported hearing from their friends and family at least 90% of the time.   More importantly, in the majority of the cases, the advice of the trusted friends and family turns out to be against the interests of the client. How can this be?  How could these trusted friends and family members be so certain to give you bad advice?  I believe it is primarily caused by three conditions. First, your friends are hearing your skewed version of things.  No matter how objective you try to be, you are nearly certain to describe the settlement in a way that supports your belief of its unfairness. Second, because they are your dear friends; they have likely become a bit suspicious of (and maybe even angry) at your ex spouse, so that nearly any proposal will seem like far less than you deserve. Third, they want to remain your friends, and they want to “support” you.  So they tell you that you are right, in a way that “validates” your feelings and helps cement their relationship. The sad reality is that in many of these instances, the settlement offered might be as good, or even better, than what a court would do, and that accepting the settlement is actually in your best interest.  If that is true, then your friends, in helping talk you out of the proposal; in telling you what you desperately want to hear; instead of what you need to hear, are doing you a great disservice. During these times, you may turn to your attorney; to get his or her advice about the settlement.  Will they be a “friend” and tell you  how unfair that it all is, or will they be wise counsel, and recommend a settlement, even though it will cost them some money and, perhaps, cause you to like them less?  It depends on whether they are truly “On Your Side”. To learn more about attorneys who will try to be “on your side” even if it gets them fired, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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Cooler weather, changing leaves, and pumpkin spice lattes, oh my! Fall is in the air and you too can enjoy it on a budget! As soon as the cooler weather hit in August it immediately felt like it was time to hit up an apple orchard or pick out pumpkins to decorate the front porch. Fall is a treasure here in Minnesota and there is plenty of free or low cost family friendly fun to be had this fall! We never know if we will get one month of fall weather before winter hits or three, so get out there and enjoy it while you can! Apple orchards and pumpkin patches seem to become synonymous in the fall, with many farms offering both. This is great for those strapped on time as well, especially if you only have the kids every-other weekend since you can essentially take care of them both in one stop. You won’t have to travel far to find top-notch apple orchards or pumpkin patches around the Twin Cities. Here are a few of our favorites: Emma Krumbees in Belle Plaine, Dehn’s Pumpkins in Dayton, Minnetonka Orchard in Minnetrista, Afton Orchards in Hastings, Deerdorf Orchard in Waconia, and Apple Jack’s in Delano! View a complete list of all 119 Minnesota Apple orchards here. Don’t forget to bring the camera! Fall photo opportunities are everywhere at orchards – start thinking about those Christmas card photos! Bring the fun home and bake an apple pie or two with the kids! Have you been to the Saint Croix River Valley in the fall? If not, you are missing out. Whether you take a day trip with the kids or want a low key but impressive date night, the views of the changing leaves along the river can’t be beat! Depending on where you live in the cities you can check it out within just a half hour to an hour drive. Take a stroll along the river in Stillwater, trolley tour, gondola ride, or one of the many charter cruises offered on the river. Looking to get a little further out of town? Head south a bit to the LaCross/Onalaska area on the Mississippi River in Wisconsin for one of the most scenic fall drives in the country! To ensure you hit the leaves at the peak times watch the Fall Color Finder on the Minnesota DNR website. If you need a little more action after a relaxing day trip check out one of the many corn mazes, haunted houses, and hayrides across the area. And finally, are all your friends posting about that coffee shop pumpkin spice latte? You too can enjoy that on a budget! Who needs a $5 coffee when you can make it at home for CHEAP! Thank you Pinterest! Just type in “pumpkin spice latte” in the search and you’ll have dozens of recipes at your fingertips to make your own at home! Here is one that’s perfect for a crowd, great to throw in a thermos for a cool evening football game or a hayride: Crock Pot Pumpkin Spiced Latte
  • 6 cups of milk
  • 4-6 cups of strongly brewed coffee
  • 1/2 cup of pumpkin puree
  • 1/2 cup of vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup of sugar
  • 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
  • 3-4 cinnamon sticks
In a crock pot, combine the milk and coffee. Whip together the pumpkin, vanilla, sugar and cinnamon and pour into the crockpot. Mix together well. Toss in 3-4 cinnamon sticks. Cover the crockpot, and cook on high for 2 hours. Enjoy! Happy Fall!
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When you were married there as probably a time (or many!) when you thought that keeping track of schedules was difficult and time consuming. Now that you’re divorced managing schedules can feel downright daunting! Your family is now divided into two schedules, and possibly being pulled into even more directions if either spouse if remarried and have added even more children or step children into the mix. It’s perhaps every divorced parent’s worst nightmare – imagining their child waiting at school or another activity and no one picks them up. Depending on the age of your children this can be a very scary scenario, not only for the child, but for both parents, and can certainly cause a lot of friction and conflict amongst co-parents. So how do you keep schedules strait to avoid this sort of issue? Many former spouses may not feel comfortable sharing their full personal calendar such as Outlook or Google, which doesn’t merge the two schedules anyhow, or maybe you still haven’t upgraded from the paper calendar on the wall?  Luckily for you there are many online tools devoted to just that – managing divorced and blended family schedules. Websites like cozi.com and many more, offer free online access to a shared calendar, and you can also authorize stepparents, grandparents, etc. access to the calendar. Your co-parent may not be as committed to the idea of online communication and planning as you are. If you are in the beginning stages of divorce, your communication and schedule sharing is an important piece to add into your parenting plan. If your children are a bit older – preteens and teens, they would likely appreciate an online calendar that they can also access to give them a bit more stability in knowing their schedule. One could argue that it shouldn’t be difficult to manage a set schedule, say, if you have your children Wednesdays and every other weekend, however kids are much more over scheduled then they were years ago, and when you add activities, and more children into the mix you can never be too prepared.