0In his book The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz articulates four principles which, when regularly practiced, will enable people to avoid conflict and live a peaceful life. The agreements one makes with oneself are:
1. I will be impeccable with my word.
2. I will not personalize anything another person says, does, thinks or believes.
3. I will make no assumptions.
4. I will do my best today.
I teach my Collaborative clients about The Four Agreements and encourage them to read the book while we are creating their parenting plan. I help them recognize when their words or actions contradict an Agreement and get in the way of problem solving. I believe these are core concepts not only for effective interest-based negotiation, but for living a centered life.
One of the most difficult agreements to follow is not making assumptions. When two people live together in intimate circumstances, they pick up many cues about each other. Humans are wired to read cues and reach conclusions. Problems can arise if the conclusions are inaccurate or incomplete, especially if the conclusions are not checked out with the other person. This is especially the case when people are in conflict and already feeling mistrustful of each other, as is so often the case with divorce.
In a recent client meeting while discussing a sensitive co-parenting issue, I observed both parents making assumptions, and then getting into an argument about their assumptions. One parent assumed the other had become too absorbed with his own needs and was not taking steps to monitor their middle school-aged son’s homework and school progress during his parenting time. The other parent assumed the first parent had made disparaging remarks about him to their son during her parenting time. Both were responding to their son’s recent drop in grades and negative attitude. By making assumptions instead of asking questions, parents entered into a blame game that only served to escalate tensions and distract them from effectively understanding and addressing their son’s difficulties.
When I was able to talk with their son, I learned he was feeling overwhelmed by the demands of taking three honors courses while also dealing with the stress of the divorce and being on an elite soccer team (which he loved). He felt he was letting his parents down, especially his dad, and this made him edgy and irritable. With this feedback, parents were able to move away from their inaccurate assumptions, reframe their understanding of their son’s behaviors and, as co-parents, take appropriate steps to help reduce his stress.
Understanding the difference between interests and positions could make all of the difference in helping you negotiate a better outcome in your divorce.
Position-Based Bargaining: Most people have a tendency to negotiate by arguing in favor of their positions. In divorce, this type of “position-based” bargaining can actually make it more difficult to get what you want. Once you and your spouse become locked into positions, the need to defend those positions can lead to a lengthy and expensive divorce. Often position based negotiations come to an end only after both parties have reached a point of physical and emotional exhaustion only to reach a “meet in the middle” agreement. One of the many problems with meeting in “the middle” is that the best solutions may have existed outside of either position. Creative negotiation that avoid positions and focus on interests can lead to outcomes that are better for both parties.
Interest-Based Bargaining: In divorce, couples start by determining their interests and look for true “win/win” scenarios. In order to appreciate how interest-based bargaining works, it is important to understand the difference between positions and interests.
Positions are narrow; “win/lose” proposals can only be satisfied in one way. For example, statements such as “I want Sole custody” or “I need $5,000 per month in support” or “I must have the house” represent positions that require the other person to “lose” in order for you to win. On the other hand, “interests” (sometimes called goals) focus on big picture desires that can be satisfied in many ways. Statements such as “I want our children to be kept out of the conflict” or “I want financial stability for both homes” or “I want us to be able to communicate better in our co-parenting” are requests to have an important interest met.
One of the advantages of focusing on big-picture interests is that you and your spouse are likely to have many of these interests in common. Therefore, although working on the details of how these interests can be met will still require some problem solving skills (and some bargaining) the negotiation becomes easier because you are both working toward these important common goals.
Interest-based bargaining is a skill that needs to be developed over time. Divorce negotiations are usually improved when the professionals involved have significant training and experience in this method so that they can teach these skills to their clients. Most mediators and Collaborative professionals have training and experience in interest based bargaining. To locate a professional who understands this method to interview and to learn more about interest based divorce negotiation go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com. 
Co-parenting can be challenging even in the most amicable divorces, but there are some personalities disorders that make co-parenting downright difficult. Among these include, but are not limited to: bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. We are going to focus on narcissists in this post. Narcissists have a magnified sense of self-importance and lack they empathy for others. Narcissists insist on getting their way regardless of how it may affect others, even their own children. They may make promises to the children in order to gain compliance from the child, then refuse to honor the promises. They can be arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, demanding, and vain. As co-parents, these individuals often feel superior to their former spouse. It is challenging to reason with a narcissist, or attempt to try to get them to see the situation from someone else’s point of view, which makes co-parenting together a great feat.
Sound familiar? Most importantly you must know that your ex’s personality disorder does not need to define your divorce. One of the best things that you can do in this situation is file a parenting plan with the courts. A parenting plan will outline anything from daily routines to holiday schedules. When dealing with a narcissist the more information you have laid out in writing, the more black and white it becomes. A parenting plan with help to maintain firm boundaries with your ex.
When co-parenting with a narcissist you may need to keep your expectations low. You cannot expect the narcissist to tackle parenting with the same parental instincts that you have. What seems like second nature to you, may never cross a narcissist’s radar. Because a narcissist places no value on their children’s feelings, there will likely be emotional messes to clean up. Get your children (and you) into therapy and make it a regular and “normal” part of their lives.
Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. There are support groups out there, both online and in person, that are aimed specifically towards coping with a narcissistic ex. Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult, but not impossible. Educate yourself on co-parenting through these challenging times, and also commit to self-care to provide some reprieve. 
What do you remember about the 90’s? The band Hanson, the Backstreet Boys, and Céline Dion? Wayne’s World, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, The Titanic movie, and hyper-colored T-shirts? One thing you won’t recall – social media. For better or for worse, there was no social media in the 90’s, at least not what it is known as today. In the 90’s (and before) when you got a divorce you didn’t have to navigate whether or not to make your relationship status “Facebook official.” You didn’t have to decide when or how to tell your 345 Twitter Followers that your last name changed or better yet, see who notices and awkwardly asks you about it. Deciding when and how seems to be all personal choice based on what you feel comfortable putting out there online. So let’s discuss whether or not it’s a good idea to stay “friends” online with an ex.
One could argue that if you have kids together, you want to see what photos of your children are being posted online. This becomes difficult in that it could be emotionally damaging for you to see every ice cream social, park play-date, snuggles by the fire, etc. that your children are having with your spouse while they are away from you. For some it is comforting to see these photos, for others it may be downright painful, and even create jealously. Photos of the children may just be the tip of the iceberg – what about when your ex-spouse starts dating? You see a man or women tagged in a photo, human nature leads you to want to know more, so you click on their name and find yourself looking through all the photos and status updates that you can get your eyes on. What you may have thought was harmless in staying “friends” with your ex has now become emotional self-destruction. Maybe you made it this far unscathed and now your ex is dating someone and you’re ok with that, but what about when the ex’s new partner is now in photos with the kids? Your kids. At that new amusement park YOU had planned to take them to. Do you see the emotional roller coaster that social media has created?
It’s a double edge sword. As a co-parent you don’t want to miss out. You want to see every photo and moment of your children that you can, but you need to establish boundaries that create the least amount of hurt in the long run. Have this discussion with your ex. Maybe you decide that you both take a social media break until things are more stable. Perhaps being online friends with your ex is just not for you, that is realistic too, and perhaps the healthiest way to navigate social media with your ex.
Allocating assets and liabilities between spouses is one of the financial pillars in any divorce. In my work as a financial neutral and also when working on behalf of an individual in a divorce the subject of credit card debt is often a topic that needs to be addressed. This is especially true when credit card balances are not paid in full each month.
The usual credit card ownership arrangements are joint or individual. There is another form of credit card ownership when one spouse is the primary account holder and the other spouse is an authorized user. In this situation, both spouses have a card on the same account issued in their individual name.
The thorny part of this is the primary account holder controls the decision-making authority relative to the account. The primary account holder can close the account. The authorized user generally is not able to close the account. However if the primary account holder defaults on the account the card issuer will seek payment from the authorized user. Does not seem quite right, does it? As an authorized user, you are unable to close the account yet if the primary account holder does not make payments, the authorized user can be liable for payment. What can you do to protect yourself?
Here are 5 suggestions:
- First, run a credit report on yourself from all three major credit-reporting agencies. These agencies include Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian. The best place to obtain this report is from www.annualcreditreport.com . Your report is free from this site and they will not solicit you for other purchases with one exception. Please note these reports do not include your credit score. You can obtain your score if you like for a nominal fee.
- Once you have the report from each of the three reporting agencies review all three reports carefully. The report will tell you if you own the card jointly, individually, or if you are an authorized user. This is a great time to verify the accuracy of all the data contained in the report.
- If you have a card issued in your name that for some reason does not appear on your credit report, call the issuer to determine your ownership status.
- If you are listed as an authorized user on any credit cards, call the issuer to determine how you can be removed.
- Let your attorney know you want any authorized user status clearly dealt with in your negotiations with your spouse. You do not want this thorny issue sneaking up on you down the road. In collaborative divorces, a well-trained financial neutral and the attorneys representing their clients are well aware of this issue.
On lists of life stressors, divorce is usually ranked among the top two or three most emotionally challenging events. The process itself is experienced as highly stressful by many people, and from what we know about recovery from profound loss, it takes at least a year to begin to regain equilibrium. In other words, the stress caused by a divorce does not usually just go away when the decree is signed. Especially in situations in which there has been a high level of tension and acrimony during the divorce process, it can be very difficult to shift from conflict mode to co-parenting mode if there are children in the family.
New sources of stress can arise post-decree, e.g. introducing children to new significant others, a parent’s decision to move, loss of a job, children struggling to adapt to the new normal. It is normal for these kinds of change to create uncertainty and distress.
When contemplating a divorce, many people turn to divorce professionals for ideas, advocacy and support. This can lessen feelings of isolation and uncertainty during a time of crisis. However, after the decree has been submitted to the court, people may feel they are on their own to pick themselves up and commence with the rest of their lives.
It has been my experience that specific post-decree support provided by neutral coaches and neutral child specialists can be an invaluable resource for families defining their new normal after a divorce. In the context of voluntary post decree alternative dispute resolution, resources can be shared, support given, and skills developed for effective co-parenting. Parenting and relationship plans can be created (if not completed during the divorce itself) or revised by joint agreement. In the context of voluntary alternative dispute resolution, children can be safely included in this process, e.g. to check in about their adjustment to new schedules and routines. It has been suggested that follow up care like this should be offered to all divorcing couples, though not all may need it.
This is not a replacement for psychotherapy. Individual therapy can enhance personal growth, provide support and help adults and children heal emotionally. Couples therapy specific to the end of marriage can help resolve lingering emotional issues and conflict. Family therapy may be valuable, especially if relationship repair between parents and children is needed. It is also not a replacement for support groups or resources like Daisy Camp. However, post-decree consultation with neutral experts who specialize in helping family members make the healthiest possible adjustment to a divorce can be a focused and powerful kind of support during a challenging time of transition.
If you are getting a divorce, do you really need a lawyer? Increasingly, people are saying no. In some states, the number of people seeking a divorce without lawyers is reportedly as high as 70%.
Is this a good idea? It depends. If you have a very short marriage; no children; few assets and both spouses can provide for their own support, your divorce might be simple, and you may be able to safely get it done on your own. However, if you have children and/or important financial issues, getting a divorce without legal help can be very costly.
In my experience of watching thousands of divorces over the past 30 years, I think 90% of the people going through divorce would benefit from some legal help. The real question is deciding just how much is the right amount. Many divorcing people are, understandably, afraid to get lawyers involved at all, fearing that once you get a lawyer on board, they will be on a slippery slope in which legal costs will rapidly spin out of control. It is true that this can happen, but there are ways to prevent this danger.
Most people don’t realize that there are ways to hire attorneys in a divorce and carefully manage your costs. Part of the key is to understand the difference between a retained attorney and a consulting attorney. A retained attorney is someone you hire to serve as your “attorney of record”, meaning that they are identified, to the court and to your spouse as your legal representative throughout the divorce. Retained attorneys generally have a responsibility to take all actions necessary to comply with court rules and move your case forward, and therefore, costs can be hired. On the other hand, a consulting attorney is an attorney who works with you, as a consultant, and will only perform the specific tasks that you authorize. (This is sometimes referred to as unbundled legal service since you are choosing select specific legal services rather than the full “bundle” of things that retained attorneys have to do.)
There are, of course, pros and cons of hiring an attorney as a consultant that need to be carefully considered before choosing that option. The biggest danger of having an attorney as a consultant only, is that you do not truly have someone representing your interests. You are essentially representing yourself. Nevertheless, if you are interested in containing costs, it is important to have this option fully explained to you before you proceed.
There is also a third option, called Collaborative Law that can, in some instances, combine the best elements of full retained representation and having a consulting attorney. A Collaborative Attorney is an attorney retained for settlement purposes only. The Collaborative Attorney would be your attorney of record and will fully represent you through the full negotiation of your case. However, because both Collaborative Attorneys sign an agreement not to go to court, you do not have the danger that the attorney will be forced to incur hours on your case that are outside of your control. To learn more about Collaborative Law go to www.collaborativelaw.org. 
It’s Friday night and your children are with your ex for the night. It should be a nice quiet, relaxing evening, or maybe a great time to tackle that organization project? Possibly even a date night?! Instead, you’ve already burnt your own dinner because your ex has called you 14 times
already with mindless questions about the kids. “Blake doesn’t want to eat chicken nuggets, what do I do? Can you just talk to him for a minute and see if you can talk him into eating?” “Kara had a potty training accident, what do I do? Can you bring over more clothes?” “Cole refuses to do his homework, what do I do?” Your quiet night alone has turned into YOU still doing the
bulk of the parenting, when you just want to scream, “You’re their parent too!” to your ex. How can you set up boundaries to avoid arguments and
resentment regarding your parenting time while away from the kids?
Let’s face it, it’s not that you don’t love being a parent to your children.
It’s just that you went through this divorce that (maybe) you didn’t
necessarily want, then (maybe) you had to argue a bit over custody, and now
that everything is settling you are trying to make lemonade from your lemons
and actually enjoy your “free time.” You might also start to wonder whether
all those calls are because your spouse is being needy or if they are trying
to keep you from enjoying your kid-free time. You and your ex have children
together; therefore, you must be in contact with one another on a regular
basis. This also means that you should establish boundaries.
Hopefully you have created an environment that supports you, perhaps you need
to do ask your ex to do the same. Ask your ex to expand their network, reach
out to siblings, parents, friends, etc. A network of people they can call
before coming running to you first. Encourage your ex to evaluate how often
and why they are calling you. If it’s multiple times during their custody visits
maybe you need to give a specific number of times that you can be called, so
your ex should evaluate how important the call is. There are several areas
where boundaries may need to be established. Maybe you’ve had a fairly
amiable divorce and your spouse still walks in freely into your home
unannounced? It is best to lay down ground rules that said they are to knock
on the front door just like any other house, now rather than in a sticky
situation later. You can rest assured that setting boundaries, and
maintaining the proper space between you and your ex (children or no
children), is a healthy way to divorce with integrity. Setting boundaries
will help you to feel more in control of your new life. 
Lisa Green’s new book, On Your Case, is a great legal resource for women at all stages in life. Ms. Green is a lawyer and legal analyst who outlined various important issues in a woman’s life – relationships, parenting, employment, and aging – all from a legal perspective. She provides simple pieces of advice and more in-depth education on various matters that arise in life.
One of the best sections, outlines divorce options. When a couple decides to divorce, there are various processes to use to divide assets, work on support options and come up with co-parenting agreements. Ms. Green discusses both DIY (do it yourself) divorce, mediation and collaborative divorce as alternatives to a typical litigation.
Ms. Green provides a nice explanation of the benefits to collaborative divorce – it can be cheaper, less stressful and have less animosity than traditional court-based models. She correctly points out that the collaborative option may be hard to think about at the very onset of a separation – when emotions are hot and anger may cloud judgment. However, for couples who want to maintain control of the process and maintain respect throughout, collaborative law is a good option.
Two important observations in the book, however, are worth noting. Ms. Green identifies a significant power imbalance as a concerning factor to the collaborative process. It can make the process more challenging and the couple may need more support from a collaborative team. Secondly, Ms. Green notes that communication is key to the collaborative process. While litigators often tell clients not to talk to one another – so all communication goes through the lawyers – collaborative clients are expected to communicate and discuss all issues with their team and with each other.
Ms. Green’s book is a great resource for women on all legal issues. On divorce in particular, it has a lot of useful information to start the process and learn about considerations and options. If someone considering divorce wants to learn more about collaborative divorce, they should reach out to a collaborative professional to talk through the option.
Divorce is unfair in that is often asks people to make some of the most important decisions in their lives at a time when they may be impaired by many emotions, including grief.
Many clients experiencing divorce have described the process as feeling like dealing with a death. It is true that no person dies, and therefore the analogy of death is not perfect, but a marriage dies and some amount of grief would seem quite natural. In addition, grieving the loss of a marriage can be complicated because there is less of a support network. As a culture, we have learned how to help people grieve death. However, the people in your support network may not know how to help you grieve the loss of your marriage, and that can cause them to respond with either anger or avoidance instead.
One of the significant trends in our society is an increased understanding of the role of hospice when someone in approaching death. Hospice occurs after all efforts to preserve life have been exhausted. At that time, the focus of the medical team and support personnel turns away from finding a medical “solution” and toward providing comfort and care and preparation for what lies ahead.
It may seem odd, to think about hospice for a dying marriage, but many of the same principles may apply. If all efforts to save the marriage have been exhausted, it may be best for the legal team, as well as friends and family, to switch to providing comfort, and, perhaps, to finding time to grieve.
Giving divorcing clients time to grieve, and providing resources to help them with the grief, (including options such as coaching, or divorce closure counseling), could help people make better decisions when they are ready to focus on divorce details.
If you are facing divorce, and feel like you need time to grieve, it is important to select a divorce team that understands why this is important, and to fully explore your divorce options so that your emotional health can be taken into account. To learn more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.