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185123062-stone-heart-gettyimagesAs a collaborative law professional, I work with divorcing couples on out-of-court resolutions that meet big picture goals and interests. It is challenging work that I have dedicated my career to and I strive daily to provide the highest level of service. As a general practice, I check in with my clients a year or so after the divorce to see how things are going. I genuinely care about my clients and enjoy learning where they are at after a divorce and what accomplishments and challenges they have faced after the transition. While many traditional, court-based divorce attorneys hear from their clients often with post-decree disputes or modifications, I believe if I have done my job most effectively, clients will be prepared to handle most everything that comes up after a divorce on their own. More often than not, the only way I know how my clients are navigating a post-divorce world, is to reach out and ask them. I recently heard from two former clients. First, I heard from a spouse who had one of the more challenging financial situations I have dealt with. There was significant debt and substantial expenses (as there often are) and they had shared some unique financial goals regarding their investments and retirements moving forward. They also agreed to share future income in a manner that was unique in the eyes of the law, yet suited their big picture goals. The parents agreed on many parenting issues, but both had personal experiences with bad divorces in their own childhoods, so they were apprehensive and untrusting of the other. They also intended to move out-of-state for the main wage-earner’s work once the children finished the school-year, although there was concern on follow through with this agreement. I heard from this client that the move happened without a hitch and they have peacefully transitioned into two homes in a new community. The children are thriving with the help of good communication and some family counseling. I heard from my client that “things are better than I expected” and that my client truly believes they are both doing really well. Most importantly, my client was excited to share the accomplishments of the children, yet sharing truthfully some of the difficulties they have had with the transition. This client expressed gratitude for a collaborative divorce process that allowed them to acknowledge the positives in their relationship and preserve what works, while restructuring things for a better future. My other client had recently navigated his Wife getting remarried. He provided spousal maintenance to his ex-Wife and the decree had contemplated the financial circumstances changing upon remarriage if either spouse requested such a review. My client informed me that despite the decree allowing for a review, he had decided not to do so because he wanted to continue to support his ex-Wife in a financially stable situation for the benefit of his children. Even though he could have likely lessened his obligation, he felt most comfortable with maintaining the status quo and continuing support. Like my other client, he thanked me for providing a process that allowed him the flexibility to decide what feels right but also preserved the respect and caring he shares for his ex-Wife. Indeed, that respect has benefited her greatly as well through the support. In my years of experience and check-ins with clients, I am continuously impressed by the level of gratitude clients express for the collaborative process. It is a process that creates unique outcomes tailored to each family’s needs and, I believe, results in longer lasting agreements and stronger post-divorce relationships.
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513648211-sadness-today-gettyimagesIn divorce many people hire attorneys with the hope of receiving what the law entitles them to receive.  They focus on their rights and ask their lawyer to help them get what “the law” provides, perhaps believe that this is the best way to protect their interests.  Most people don’t realize how focusing on the law and “rights”  is setting the bar very low and on occasion, guarantees them that they will need to settle for the very minimum  rather than trying to achieve their most important goals. Divorce laws are created to establish minimum standards for the government to apply if the family cannot come up with a solution on its own. For example, the child support guidelines give you an idea about the minimum amount that would be required for the support of your children if a judge is required to intervene.  The property division that your lawyer tells you will be ordered under “the law” merely describes the minimum that the law will compel.  The parenting schedule normally describes the minimum times that you must be allowed to see your children. Nevertheless, it is a curious  aspect of divorce law that people often start out focusing on those minimums and do not stop to reflect on what might be possible. Striving for minimums is an unusual way to begin down any path, particularly with something as important as family relationships. Outside of divorce, few of us would ever think that we should provide only the minimum to our family members. We would rarely respond to needs of our children, or our spouse, or a parent or even an aunt or uncle for that matter, and say “what is the very minimum that the law would compel me to do?”  To the contrary, faced with these situations outside of divorce, we would be drawn to think in terms of doing the right thing; doing the best we can do under the circumstances. Yet, as soon as we enter the divorce world, we automatically assume this “minimum only” mentality and we hire lawyers to fight over those minimums. No doubt some you are thinking that divorce is different because you are dealing with an ex spouse and that the rules of conscience and decency should not have the same sway as with a real family member. But is that really how it is? First of all, if there are children involved, it is difficult to enforce minimums without catching them in the crossfire. Because your children will live in the same house as your former spouse for a significant portion of their lives, there is no way to force your spouse to accept minimums without impacting your children, at least to a degree. In addition, is your spouse, the mother or father of your children, someone who can be immediately relegated to the role of non-relative and allow you to feel a complete indifference to their well-being, (or worse)? No doubt, many divorcing people have found ways to view of their ex spouse in this way. However,  most people,  once they get past the anger, fear or sadness, admit that they do not hold this complete indifference and, in fact, express real caring, and concern for their ex spouse. So, how do we shed the “minimums” mentality and approach divorce by setting the bar much higher? It will take more than one blog to cover the many different ways to create better settlements by appealing to higher standards. But here is a start. Go to www.collaborativelaw.org or to www.divorcechoice.com and find a divorce professional who speaks this language. You may be surprised by what is possible.
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172244707-daddys-comfort-series-gettyimagesHaving recently become a grandparent for the first time, I am pondering the future with renewed urgency that my granddaughter’s legacy be one of hope and abundance. As she grows, there is no way to prevent the pain of grief and loss, the challenge of change or the regret of unfulfilled expectations, as major and minor crises are a normal part of our complicated human lives. But I want her to always know she is safe and loved, especially by her parents, as these are the building blocks of her resilience. Almost always, children experience divorce or breakup as a crisis, a challenging change, a loss. However, as I tell the parents with whom I work, it is possible to keep this crisis from ever becoming a trauma. It is possible to separate or get unmarried in such a way that your children will continue to feel safe and loved by both parents. Selecting a process that enables a divorcing couple to make the transition to effective co-parenting is an investment in their children’s future. As with other important investments, there is a need to balance potential gain with possible risk. In terms of impact on children, an adversarial divorce has minimum gain and maximum risk. A shorthand equation may be, the greater the court involvement, the greater the risk. In contrast, a process that focuses on respectful problem solving, and eliminates the need for court involvement, such as mediation or Collaborative Practice, has lower risk and potential maximum gain for children. Choosing the right professionals to guide you through the best process for your family can pay huge dividends in your children’s future.
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466121615-male-lawyer-with-documents-in-meeting-gettyimagesWhile it is possible to file for divorce in Minnesota on your own, without legal representation, it can be difficult to manage, not only legally but also emotionally. Here are some reasons to have an attorney and NOT try and represent yourself:
  • When you represent yourself, you are unable to be objective. It is hard to weigh the options and make decisions in your own best interest if you are alone.
  • While you may save in attorney’s fees, as a novice in the legal arena, you do not know what it means to file a pleading or handle a case. You may also not know that you have other options on process – a collaborative divorce or mediation may provide better outcomes.
  • When you represent yourself, there are held to the same standard as all other clients. This means that the court will have the same expectations of you as it would of a licensed attorney representing a client.
  • If there are any contentious issues, such as parenting differences, safety concerns, or financial matters, it may be important that you have the best knowledge and skills available to make sure that your needs are addressed.
Most lawsuits never go to trial; however, this does not mean that the resulting settlements are easily reached. In divorce proceedings, an experienced attorney can help you understand your process options. Collaboration may mean there is less times spent in court and more agreeable final terms.
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Recently a young child in my neighborhood lost his life. Beyond the balloon releases, meal chains and prayers, a lot of neighborhood conversation quickly switched to wondering if the parent’s marriage can survive such heartache. This led me to do a bit of research on the statistics in the likelihood that a marriage suffering such trauma will result in divorce. A conversation with a fellow Daisy (what we call the brave women that attend our Daisy Camp events) about her divorce right after her father had passed away from cancer also had me wondering about those statistics. It had me wondering if trauma in already unstable marriages result in divorce or can these traumas cause even perfect marriages to fall apart? There are very staggering results in researching divorce after death rates. Some reported as many as 90 percent of all bereaved couples are in serious marital difficulty within months after the death of their child, and other reports show no evidence of higher divorce rates among bereaved parents. The fact that husbands and wives grieve so differently may be a huge factor in a divorce. One may want to attend a support group, the other doesn’t. One may view sexual intimacy as a way to stay close, the other it’s the last thing on their mind. When one person in the marriage loses a parent or someone else close to them, how their spouse handles the situation and offers their support, or perhaps lack thereof, can also become a factor that ultimately leads to divorce. If you find yourself in this state of grieving take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and there are support groups across the country tailored specifically to supporting married couples and divorcees faced with these situations. Seeking professional help can not only help with the grieving process, but is also a good way to learn to understand where you are and where you want your future to go.
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167810616-mature-couple-relationship-difficulty-gettyimagesThe most significant increase in divorces nationwide has been among baby boomers, essentially those people born between 1945 and 1965. That is not terribly surprising given the high number of people in this age range. However, it does present new dynamics to divorce to the point where the notion of “boomer divorce” has started to reshape the way divorce happens. Baby boomers who face divorce tend to have different issues, and different priorities, than other generations. For the most part their children are grown, or nearly grown. As a result, they do not need significant help with issues of custody or parenting. However, they tend to be very concerned about the well-being of their grown children; whether it comes to making sure that college is financed or addressing their children’s desire to have their parents behave amicably. Children in their late teens or early twenty’s often care deeply about their parent’s divorce and the way that their parents face divorce can have an impact on their lives. If they are in college, they want to be able to visit each parent during school breaks and acrimony between parents can make that awkward or difficult. When they look ahead toward important life events like weddings, graduations, births and baptism, they want both parents to be able to participate without bringing unwanted tension to these life events. I have heard many stories about parents who attend their child’s wedding and cannot be in the same room together. It is very sad to imagine a young bride or groom, on the most important day of their lives, having to focus on have to protect or care for one or both of their parents rather than focus on this important occasion. Many of have witnessed these sad occasions. At the same time, we have witnessed divorcing parents who are amicable with each other and can share the experience of their child’s wedding in a way that truly honors the event. Baby boomers also care a great deal about planning for their financial future and in creating a divorce agreement that allows them to eventually enjoy their retirement years.   With people living longer and remaining healthy will into their later years, there is generally a great deal of fear about the divorce altering their retirement plans. While divorce does take a financial toll on all of the family resources, including a division of retirement assets, boomers who use creative planning, including working with an interdisciplinary team that includes financial professionals, can find acceptable creative solutions. The unique problems faced by most boomers are increasingly causing them to look for more amicable and creative options to help them divorce in a way that preserves their sanity, their co-parenting and their financial nest egg as much as possible. For information about those options go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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No one imagines they will find themselves single, divorced, and living in a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs alone, and then it happens. So what do you do when you wake up and realize that your life is not at all what you ever imagined it would be? How do you “cope” and “mourn” the loss of the life you had been planning for yourself? First, remember you are not alone. You are never alone in this. Lean on your friends, family, and a good support group – whether it’s a support group you created with a network of friends and family, or a more formal divorce support group in your area. There are so many resource out there, find people/places/networks that you feel comfortable with. Seek out professional counseling or therapy, sometimes just talking about these hopes and dreams that could have/should have/would have been to a neutral party can be such a relief. Know that it is ok to mourn this loss. For you it may be the loss of the “perfect family” you had envisioned – whether you never had kids and always wanted them, or had 1 or 2 and had wanted more. Maybe for someone else who is forced to go back to work because of the divorce, it may be the loss of being able to stay at home with the children. Perhaps it’s the loss of a certain lifestyle one may have gotten used to or thought they would attain someday, whether financially or within a certain social circle. Maybe divorce forced you to move to new area and you are mourning the loss of being close to your friends, in a certain school district for your children, or even simply mourning the loss of your home. It’s not irrational to mourn these things, whether they are lifestyles and material items you no longer have, or were simply hopes for the future – it is ok. Take comfort in knowing that you never know what the future has in store for you. Maybe you always wanted kids and suddenly find yourself dating someone with children that you simply adore (young or old). Think you’re too old for that reality? Maybe you will remarry and have pile of grandchildren in your future. Maybe having to go back to work will one day lead to a promotion that allows you to take your children on trips of a lifetime and provide for their college education. There is a quote by Joseph Campbell that reads, “We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Remember that.
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As a neutral child specialist, I believe Collaborative Practice should be available to all families who want a child-focused, respectful, out-of-court divorce process.  However, a critique often made of Collaborative Practice is how unaffordable it must be for families with limited financial resources. How could it be otherwise for a process that involves two attorneys and likely several neutral financial and/or mental health professionals? 487701729-senior-african-american-woman-paying-bills-gettyimagesMost of these critics are not aware that the Collaborative Law Institute has had ongoing Pro Bono/Low Bono Programs for over a decade.  The goal of the current CLI Low Bono Committee is to provide very low cost but high quality services to clients who qualify, including the option of working with a full multidisciplinary team of divorce professionals. We understand that financial hardship not only profoundly complicates day to day life but compounds the stress of getting unmarried.  We realize that many parents who struggle through the massive amount of paperwork required for a do-it-yourself divorce eventually end up in court trying to sort out issues they hadn’t anticipated or   didn’t fully understand at the time.  We believe families in financial distress deserve a choice that will empower them to make their own decisions, but with the benefit of skillful professional support. If you are in financial hardship and contemplating a divorce, we hope we can help.  Go to the website for the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota and click the About Us tab at the top right of the homepage.  Next, click on No Cost or Low Cost (Pro Bono) Programs to find the online application for low bono Collaborative services.  Applications are screened for eligibility by the Low Bono Committee, but are otherwise completely confidential.   If you are interested, we hope to hear from you!
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136006968-writing-letters-gettyimagesIn the past few months, I have seen a number of people in my social network share this letter. It is a wonderfully written letter from an ex-Wife to her husband’s new girlfriend. Instead of the expected angry, hurtful, stay-away-from-my-children many people would have expected, the letter is filled with caring love for another human being and a potential influencer in her children’s lives. It is welcoming and tries to explain many of the nuances of the new family structures that arise out of divorce. Indeed, they take all shapes and sizes. This letter has been shared tens of thousands of times, because to the general public, it is unique. It is not what they expect to emerge out of divorce – it is not what society seems to expect of couples deciding to end a marriage. Truthfully, however, I see this kind of result all the time. As a collaborative divorce specialist, I loved this letter. It brought tears to my eyes as a real example of kindness and compassion in action. It is what I strive for every day when I work with families transitioning through divorce. We ground the collaborative process in mutual shared goals. If there are kids involved, both parents always want outcomes that protect the children. Regardless of what behavior, emotions or acts have led parents to a divorce, I know parents want to maintain strong relationships with their children and want their children to thrive in a post-divorce world. Many parents would even acknowledge the important role the other parent plays in raising the children. These goals are not unique – I see them all the time. And, when parents commit to an out of court, non-adversarial process, like collaborative law, the professionals in the process are as committed to these goals as the clients. I believe this letter demonstrates how important a positive co-parenting relationship is for children of divorce. That relationship lasts the rest of your life – figure out how to make it work. You do not need to be friends or call each other to talk about your day at work, but a respectful communication style to discuss your children will hugely benefit everyone. Having a strategy to embrace and face the changes that come after divorce is important as well. Statistically, both parents are likely to start new relationships – address these changes with healthy communication or seek outside support to learn how. Collaborative law is a divorce option that addresses many of the long-lasting implications of divorce and attempts to prepare families to move into a post-divorce life that allows everyone to thrive.
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77006495-model-house-next-to-paperwork-and-keys-gettyimagesA large component of a divorce is dividing the assets that you and your spouse accumulated during your marriage. Now that the divorce decree is completed, it is essential to start retitling assets as soon as possible. Retitling of assets confers control by defining ownership and restricting access. A good way to begin this process is to create a personal net worth statement that lists all of your assets and liabilities, per the divorce decree. This statement will serve as the master checklist in your retitling process. Every asset has its own retitling requirements, but essential to the process are the following documents:
  • Current Identification, reflecting any name change if applicable
  • Certified Divorce Decree (see our blog on changing your name)
  • Account information for bank accounts, investments, loans and credit cards
  • Social Security numbers for both you and your ex-spouse
For instance, let’s say you have a joint account with your ex-spouse. The typical steps you would need to take are as follows:
  1. Each of you open individual accounts in your own name
  2. Complete a letter (called a “letter of instruction”) explaining that due to divorce, you would like to divide your joint account per the divorce decree, and clarify how the joint account should be divided.
  3. Both of you sign the letter
  4. Have the letter notarized (banks accounts, etc.) or, Signature or Medallion guaranteed (for investment accounts; it will depend upon the specific investment company as to which guarantee is required). A notary is quite common and can be found at many institutions. Both as signature and medallion guarantee can be obtained at a bank, credit union or investment company (note that this is different than being notarized).
  5. Mail the letter along with a certified divorce decree to the company.
You will receive a letter of confirmation when your individual accounts have been opened and the assets transferred into them, from your joint account.  The joint account will be closed once the transfer has been completed. Remember that with any new accounts, you will need to reestablish things such as bank account links for automatic deposits or withdrawals, as well as updating beneficiaries on retirement accounts. Retitling real estate typically requires a Summary Real Estate Disposition Judgment (SREDJ) or a quit claim deed. A SREDJ is written by your attorney and signed by a judge, authorizing the transfer of the property, and is completed once it is filed with the County Recorder. A quit claim deed is also written by an attorney, but is signed by your ex-spouse before being filed with the County Recorder. Certain properties may require a quit claim deed as well as a SREDJ or a certified divorce decree to be filed with the County Recorder to complete the title transfer. Be sure to follow up with your family law attorney for assistance with this. Don’t forget to retitle assets such as vehicles and insurance policies.  You will also want to make sure your name is removed from the assets transferred to your ex-spouse, in order to limit your liability if something goes awry with their property. Retitling is a lot of work but it is essential to start as soon as the divorce is final, and to see the process through until you have checked off every item on your personal net worth statement. Once completed you can be assured that what is yours is officially yours.