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choosing an attorneyChoosing an attorney to represent you in a divorce proceeding at first may sound fairly straightforward. Too often I see this critical step not being given the attention it deserves. Sometimes it is simply a friend, relative or co-worker who refers someone who they felt or heard was good. While everyone means well, I suggest they probably don’t know what your goals and interests are for your divorce. They don’t know if a particular attorney is a good fit for you. Sometimes a client will find the first attorney who tells them what they want to hear. This often is a big red flag. Ultimately, only you will be able to decide who the best fit may be for your circumstances. I hope this three part series of posts on the importance of choosing an attorney, issues to consider when choosing an attorney, and finally some questions to ask a divorce attorney, will provide you with some valuable insights. I believe choosing an attorney is the third most important decision you will make on your journey to get unmarried. Remember in The first post of “Getting Unmarried” the most important decision is deciding to get unmarried in the first place. In Part II, I wrote the second most important decision is to research and decide “How to get unmarried;” essentially deciding on the divorce process that you feel–and hopefully your spouse feels–will accomplish the goals you both want to achieve. The third most important decision I’ll cover in this first of a three part series will be on the importance of choosing an attorney for yourself and equally as important if not more important is who your spouse decides to hire as an attorney. But let’s put first things first.  In my way of thinking, you can’t begin to choose an attorney until you first, decide to get unmarried and, secondly, decide what type of divorce process you and your spouse want to use. Provided you have made these first two decisions, let’s make an assumption that both you and your spouse will want an attorney. If you have children from your marriage and or have significant assets and/or liabilities to ultimately allocate between you and your spouse in a property settlement, I strongly encourage everyone with these circumstances to be represented by an attorney. Let me disclose here, I am not an attorney. Too many do it yourself divorce packages often result in repeated appearances in court and end up being significantly more costly to the clients down the road. Leaving it to guesswork or not giving your property settlement the attention it deserves can be costly. Remember your marriage may not last forever but your property settlement will. If you have children let me share this quote by Neil Postman, an American writer and professor, with you. “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.”  When children are involved they will be watching closely for the messages you and your spouse send to them about your divorce. They will live and carry those messages throughout their lifetime. For these reasons, give careful and thoughtful consideration to the process you choose for your divorce and the attorneys both you and your spouse end up hiring. In the second part of this series, I outline important issues to consider when choosing an attorney.
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The Future is BrightPart 5:  Working with a team of professionals in Collaborative Divorce creates better outcomes. A Collaborative Divorce is one in which the husband and the wife each retain a lawyer for settlement purposes only. In addition, in a Collaborative Divorce, the other professionals on the team, must commit to work or settlement purposes as well. Divorce marks the end of a martial relationship and the beginning of a new life. While divorce is a legal proceeding, future success for your family may have more to do with parenting, financial planning and communication than with legal issues. While lawyers can be helpful on these additional  issues, your family can generally get better assistance, at a lower cost, by turning to professionals with more skills in these other areas. If your primary concern is how to co-parent your children in divorce, you are far more likely to gain valuable insights on how to do this by having your family work with a child specialist with the education and training in child development rather than law. If you are concerned about how to meet your expenses in both households, you are likely to get more initial benefit from working with a financial professional than with an attorney.  Similarly, if your primary concern relates to difficulties in communicating with your spouse, you may want to work with a divorce coach who has the skills and training to help you focus on these important areas. The Collaborative Divorce process is often a team process in which you work with a team of professionals rather than just with attorneys. You may initially be apprehensive about working with a team of professionals believing that it will increase your cost. However, if you plan your process carefully, working with other professionals can reduce your cost and help you create a better outcome. Generally, the work done by the financial professionals and the mental health professionals replaces much of the work done by the attorneys, allowing you to get more skilled help, generally, at a lower hourly rate. One of the keys to success in working with a team is to make sure that you get the level of professional help that best meets the needs of your unique family. Options in working with your Collaborative Divorce Team will be discussed in an upcoming blog. However, if you want information on this now, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and www.ousky.com. You can read the final part of this series, here.
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Parent and ChildOne of my favorite people, and among the wisest of my friends, is my hair stylist, Gina. I always look forward to any time we have to chat while my newly foiled tresses take their color. Recently, we had such an opportunity. We were talking about my work as a Collaborative neutral child specialist, hearing the voices of children whose parents are getting unmarried or separated. Gina shared a story I hadn’t heard, and graciously consented to let me blog about it. Gina’s parents, like many other couples, went through some very rough patches in their marriage. Because they eventually committed to changing destructive patterns, and worked hard using appropriate community resources, they were able to turn things around in a healthy direction. But not while Gina was a child, after she was nearly grown. Gina told me that as the youngest child, she had grown up hearing her parents say they would not separate or get a divorce until she had graduated from high school. They may have believed this decision was in her best interests. But to Gina, this decision “on her behalf” made her feel responsible for the conflict and pain that existed in the home. She couldn’t change things on her own, and felt trapped. She believes that behavior patterns she was forced to normalize by growing up in an abusive family environment impacted her deeply, both as a child and an adult. She has worked very hard to establish healthy patterns for herself, has generously given back to the community, and devotedly raised a fine son. But because early social learning is so powerful in shaping us,  she knows she must always be mindful about her adult relationships. Just staying together when high conflict persists is not a protective factor for children. It is the high conflict itself that inflicts traumatic wounds. Children’s psyches absorb toxic emotional environments just as their bodies absorb lead, and with the same destructive consequences. The decision to separate or divorce should not be made lightly, especially when there are children involved. However, the important question must always be, what needs to be done to keep children out of harm’s way? For many struggling families, Collaborative Team Practice offers a way to end a high conflict marriage or partnership and begin a healthier pattern of co-parenting after separation or divorce. Children in high conflict families with whom I have met during their parents’ divorce have expressed relief to go home after school to homes that are not filled with stress, anger and anxiety. Please go to www.collaborativelaw.org for more information.
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Several times a year, I have the opportunity to present a workshop on child-centered divorce, parenting plans and co-parenting to Daisy Camp. Daisy Camp is the brainchild of Jennifer Morris, a realtor who has realized her vision of providing women with important resources and support during and after a divorce. Jennifer assembles volunteer speakers, many of whom are Collaborative Team Practice professionals, to share information and facilitate discussion on a range of divorce-related topics. Daisy Camp is an amazing Minnesota resource.

At the most recent Daisy Camp, I was pleasantly surprised when a former Collaborative client joined the group right before my presentation. I had provided neutral child specialist services for her family a year ago, meeting with her children to understand their perspectives on how family could work best for them during and after their parents’ divorce, and assisting parents in the creation of their developmentally responsive parenting plan. My client told the group she was there for a refresher on child-centered co-parenting, especially with an ex she often found frustrating to work with. Other women in the group shared stories and concerns about the challenge of keeping children at the center and out of the middle. We discussed the impact of divorce on kids, and the importance of keeping a crisis from becoming a trauma for children. Our discussion was thought-provoking and emotionally powerful. At the end of the workshop, my former client revealed how difficult it had been during her divorce process to internalize messages about keeping children at the center and out of the middle, not blaming the other parent, and preserving her kids’ relationships with someone by whom she felt so betrayed. She has remained on a co-parenting high road on behalf of her children, even when she felt she was doing this unilaterally, and is more convinced than ever that this has been of benefit to her children and is the right thing to do. This personal revelation was a gift to the group. Her final gift to the group was a heartfelt message of hope. She said while she was in the midst of a highly stressful divorce, she couldn’t have imagined how much healing could happen in a year. Her parting words, “Believe me, it gets better!” rang strong and true, both for her, and equally importantly, for her beloved children.
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Trust The “Rule of Relationship” is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. Often we are not even aware of its existence. In a divorce, it can be more powerful than the rule of law. Here is how it works. Let’s assume you and your spouse are separated but you do not have any legal document regulating your separation or parenting. You have informally agreed to share weekends with the children and you pick the children up from your spouse’s home of Friday, promising to return them by 6:00 p.m. on Sunday. What if you decide not to return the children at that time? You will not have broken any law since there is no divorce or court order. Yet the consequences of your decision may be even more severe than any punishment a court could order as you have violated the “Rule of Relationship.” You may have damaged trust in a manner that could be very difficult to repair. Maintaining some level of trust is crucial in almost all situations. It is tempting to think that, in a divorce, there is no trust. Indeed, your spouse may even have been unfaithful causing you to believe that all trust is lost. But, in reality, there is almost always some degree of trust that exists in any relationship. If you literally had no trust at all, you would not ever allow your spouse to even be in the presence of your children, since you need to trust them to provide for their well being and safety, for at least some portion of their week. Despite the broken promises that can give rise to a divorce, most people are able to find a way to retain some basic level of trust, out of necessity and concern for their children. Trust is generally regulated by the “Rule of Relationship” and not by laws. Trust can only be created or lost through behavior. When it comes to regulating day to day behavior no court or government, no matter how well intended, can intervene on a daily basis to address these difficult situations. Parents are often left with their own laws, the Rule of Relationship,” to help them parent their children and regulate their lives. That is one of the reasons more and more parents are choosing out of court solutions, such as Collaborative Practice, to help them resolve their issues out of court. Working parenting issues out of court, where the laws of relationship and responsibility can help rebuild trust, can help your parenting plan go more smoothly and gives your children a true role model for developing trust in their lives.
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Blue Jasmine MovieI recently saw the new Woody Allen film, Blue Jasmine. It stars Cate Blanchett and Alec Baldwin as a couple who live the high life and then the low life following divorce. The story line and themes in this movie seemed true to me based on my work with many divorcing couples, not just those who are wealthy. There were the underlying issues in the marriage–the husband’s cheating, both with sexual affairs and financial fraud, and the wife’s complicity through passivity and claimed ignorance (although she knows more than appears). There was denial by both of the problems, which included mental health and drinking issues. For the wife in this movie, her loss of self and identity following the separation and divorce was shattering and, in the end, her emotional choice to revenge resulted in enormous cost and loss to both of them. I am not saying that all divorces follow all of these themes in this movie. Like an opera, the movie highlights some dramatic truths about human nature and patterns in relationships. One pattern is that problems during the marriage which have not been addressed can pop up and control the divorce process, sabotaging efforts to reach a settlement. This doesn’t mean that a couple has to “fix” all the troubles leading up to the divorce, but could require acknowledgement of the problems and work toward a future that addresses the realities of their situation. So, for the couple in Blue Jasmine, it would be addressing the mental health needs and possible alcoholism treatment for one or both, college education for wife, and a top notch criminal defense attorney for husband. The instinct for revenge, which often causes hurt to both in the divorce, can be defused in a collaborative divorce process which focuses on the collective outcome for the family as a whole. In Blue Jasmine, that would include the outcome for their son, who was hurt by the divorce, and for the parents.
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I recently viewed a TED video about the impact of divorce on children. Professor Tamara Afifi, a professor at the University of California Santa Barbara, presented the results of her research. Here are some of her findings: CONFLICT BETWEEN PARENTS, NOT DIVORCE, HARMS KIDS Conflict between parents during marriage can be more harmful to children than a divorce. The differences between children of divorced parents and parents who are still married are not that great. What makes a difference is whether the conflict between parents continues, whether they are divorced or still married. Children are hurt most by parents in conflict. DIFFERENCES IN DECADES The impact on children of divorce in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s has been different. In the 1970’s, there was a higher impact on children, which she attributes to the fact that divorces then were the result of bad marriages and more conflict. In the 1980’s, the impact was lower because people were divorcing for reasons having more to do with personal growth and self actualization. There may have been less conflict and better communication. In the 1990’s, the impact has been higher which she suggests was due to the closer relationship children had with their parents, communicating daily, and more involved in each other’s lives. Children became more involved in the divorce because they were generally more involved in their parents’ lives. NEED BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR CHILDREN There is a danger with this closer, more involved relationship between parents and their children. Children should not be burdened with their parents’ hurt or anger at the other parent or put into the role of messenger. One child described her mother as her “best friend” who asked her daughter for advice about an affair. Kids shouldn’t have to deal with this. A child shouldn’t be asked to “remind your mom” or asked “why doesn’t your dad tell me” about something. This puts them in the middle of the conflict or forces them to align with one parent. Establish boundaries about what is the adult conversation and what is the conversation with children about the divorce. AVOID HURTING YOUR CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE What can divorcing parents do to lessen the impact on their children? Work together on a co-parenting plan which redefines your roles following the divorce, work with a child specialist to establish the boundaries between adult and child issues in the divorce, improve your communication with each other, defuse emotions, and refuse to engage in bad mouthing the other parent. In the collaborative divorce process, child specialists and coaches can help you in all of these areas.
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The popular media makes a healthy profit on promoting disaster, and casting everything possible in the language of disaster.  “Shocking!” and “Horrifying!” are two words we see all too often. Regarding divorce, the popular media has created disaster myths around such topics as:   failure of children (depression, suicide, academic failure, juvenile delinquency), financial failure, higher divorce statistics, etc. What is the truth? To begin with, the United States divorce rate among the general population has been misinterpreted and exaggerated – it is not 50% and growing, and may in fact be 40% or less. Rates are even lower among college educated couples in the United States and may be less than 30%! This means that the chance for marital success in a second marriage may much higher than you think, especially if college education is factored in. Hollywood celebrities and other limited criteria skew the divorce statistics quoted by the media. With respect to children, there are few long-term studies about the impact of divorce (specifically, 3 studies in the United States), and they do not determine disaster for children. The most recent studies indicate that it is the level of marital conflict – NOT divorce – which spells failure for children. What are the factors which can impact children in a positive way? These studies seem to point to two major protective factors:
  1. Not using the children as message carriers between parents
  2. Giving the children permission to love both parents, wherever they go in life.
Modern psychological research indicates that children attach both to mothers and fathers, and in order to be whole people (not absorbing the irreconcilable conflict of their parents), they need to be free to love both parents whether they are in Mom’s house, Dad’s house, school or with extended family.   “Your Dad loves you so much – I’m so glad you had fun with him last week – tell me all about it!” or “You are the most important part of your Mom’s life – aren’t you looking forward to going camping with her next week?” are the kinds of protective statements parents can make to their children. What happens when parents can protect their children this way, even in the face of divorce?  The long-term studies report: even children who may be initially adversely affected by a separation can recover to meet their age-mates and peers in every category – including, they may not be any more likely to experience divorce in their own lives than the general population. What about financial ruin? With options such as Collaborative Divorce, qualified financial experts help couples devise the smartest financial plan possible, to create more net income (reducing taxes) than they had in an intact family, and to help pay debt or other items which can help build a more sustainable cash flow in future.  Couples can decide to be smart instead of reactive in a divorce, and get to a better place instead of ruining their futures. Readers who would like information on the studies cited should contact:   judith_h_johnson@hotmail.com or call: 952-405-2015.
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The divorce process can be so difficult it is hard to imagine anything positive coming from it. However, in Collaborative Team Practice your family is surrounded by professionals who understand the complications of relationships, the emotional distress of divorce and how to navigate this process with open communication, balance and respect. When a family takes advantage of the professionals’ knowledge, skills and guidance the divorce process turns into an opportunity to communicate and work together in new ways. Families generally come to divorce because they have been immersed in negative patterns that are not working. Spouses or partners don’t feel heard, respected, valued, appreciated, free to be themselves and/or balanced. One or both in the relationship have worked hard to try to turn it around, to do better, to make it work, but the established patterns are formidable. In the actual divorce process itself, there are brand new options. You have made the difficult decision to separate or dissolve the marriage so the pressure is off to “fix the relationship.” Now the focus is on accepting the end of the partnership or marriage and re-establishing and strengthening your separate selves. Your new job is to form a co-parenting relationship. This is very different from the partner or spousal relationship. We seek to have our own needs met within a spousal relationship which is the part of the relationship that is most likely to become broken. In a co-parenting relationship you are not expecting to have your own needs met, instead the goal is to meet the needs of your children. Doing what is best for your children is something that both of you want. The Collaborative Professionals guide you through the divorce process of deciding how to divide assets and debts and establish separate living arrangements and most importantly to develop a parenting plan. This is an opportunity, with assistance, to talk to each other differently and to rediscover and build upon the strengths you each have to work together for your children.
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As a Neutral Child Specialist, I often meet with parents who have not yet told their  children about their decision to get divorced or unmarried.  I encourage parents to create a We Statement that helps children understand what is going to happen without putting them in the middle of conflict between their parents. Many books and articles written about children and divorce stress the importance of telling kids the divorce is not their fault, and they are not to blame.  Here are three developmental reasons why I encourage parents not to use the words fault or blame in their We Statement. 1.  Young children still mastering language can easily become confused about negation.  These children may translate “it’s NOT your fault” to “it IS your fault.” Young children may believe this and internalize the idea without questioning it. 2.  School-age children are developmentally focused on understanding fairness, causality and the dynamic of good guys vs. bad guys.  If told they are not to blame, many children will wonder, “well then, who IS to blame?”  With this thought, children can find themselves unhappily stuck in the middle. 3.  Teenagers have even more knowledge and sophistication about relationship dynamics, and may feel compelled to learn and pass judgment on “the truth.” It is especially important to not introduce fault or blame in the discussion with teens. What then is the alternative to using the words “it’s not your fault” or “you’re not to blame”  if parents want to reassure their child that he or she had nothing to do with parents’ decision to get unmarried? I recommend an affirmation such as, “You are the most important person in the world to us.  We love you and cherish you, and will always be your mom and dad and take care of you.” These words communicate in a positive and supportive way what children need to hear from parents during this difficult discussion, and are an important part of an empathetic We Statement. Stay tuned for future posts about We Statements.