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483830182-loudspeaker-gettyimagesThe Four Agreements is a best-selling book by Don Miguel Ruiz that articulates principles people can choose to follow to stay out of conflict with others.  These principles are extremely relevant and helpful for parents going through a divorce or break up.  I have written in the past about the Second and Third Agreements (The Second: I will not personalize anything the other person says, does, thinks or believes; and the Third: I will make no assumptions).  This blog focuses on the First Agreement:  I will be impeccable with my word.  The First Agreement agreement is the foundation of trustworthy and effective co-parenting communication. To be impeccable means to be truthful.  It means to speak with the intention of being respectful rather than negative, critical or hostile.  It means to avoid spreading gossip, innuendo and half-truths.   It is a commitment to not use words as weapons to attack and try to hurt another person.  It means to only promise what you fully intend to follow through on. At first glance, the First Agreement seems like the easiest, especially since most of us are wired to generally see ourselves as the “good guys”.  We are always truthful, and all our co-workers find us reliable and respectful.  When we’re not impeccable with our word, we are justified, right?  We were provoked by the truly bad behavior of the other parent.  We were just trying to defend ourselves from their endless snark.  We were “just joking, for crying out loud.”  We were finally standing up for ourselves, and isn’t that our right? I get that our amygdalas have loud voices when another person has struck a nerve.  But there are three filters to apply to non-impeccable words:  do they help if my goal is to co-parent effectively?  Do I feel like a better person for having said them?  And most importantly:  Could my giving vent, being hostile, being judgmental, smearing my co-parent or lying to my co-parent ultimately hurt my child?  Too often the answer to the last question is yes, it can and it will. Bill Eddy is a lawyer and social worker who co-founded the High Conflict Institute, LLC.  Bill has been reaching out to family law courts and divorce professionals to equip them with tools to help parents follow the First Agreement during and after a divorce or break up, though he does not use the language of the Four Agreements in his work.   One of these tools I often recommend to my clients is the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) email protocol.  BIFF emails can work wonders to shift acrimonious exchanges to those that are businesslike and productive.  For more information and more ideas about how to become an impeccable communicator go to www.newways4families.com.
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185122660-red-x-gettyimagesWhen I heard “The X Files” was coming back for six episodes, I was thrilled!  What other show gives you supernatural, psychological, political, legal, medical, and alien content wrapped into one?  The show ended when I was a new lawyer; that is, when cell phones weren’t smart; Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, and Joey were screen friends; e-mail was barely a blip on the screen; and tweeting was simply the sound birds make.  I remember thinking how cool Mulder was when he whipped out his Nokia flip phone (the “it” phone of the new millennium, right?) to call Scully.  After all, he couldn’t send her a text.  A text was something we read not something we did back in 2000.  But now, in these new episodes Scully can see…on her smart phone…when Mulder is calling her.  And Mulder can take pictures of the monsters and aliens on his phone.  Technology has definitely changed in the past 16 years.  We will see if any of these devices help the agents in their quest to find the truth! Unfortunately, devices that make life easier can make life more complicated.  I can’t tell you how many clients have told me they or their spouse “reunited” with a past love-interest on Facebook, or an affair was discovered in an e-mail or text.  If this has happened to you, you aren’t alone.  Social media and technology have certainly made the world smaller by reuniting people or keeping them connected.  But some argue technology is making us less social.  Kids text instead of talk to their friends.  Relationships end via e-mail.  Technology should enhance communication, not hinder it.  Hopefully, human beings won’t evolve into a life form where kindness, sensitivity, and compassion aren’t valued.  Or perhaps that’s part of Mulder’s whole conspiracy theory.  The truth IS out there…somewhere…
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172399714Did you know that there is a National Financial Literacy Month?? Well, there is! The powers that be have selected April to be the Financial Literacy Month. Why April rather than July probably goes to the fact that so many people are acutely aware of their financial situation as they write out a check to the IRS. So, what is financial literacy and how does one become more financially literate? Financial literacy is about taking control of your finances by fully understanding the impact of your spending, saving and debt obligations on your financial well-being.  It is about making well-informed purchasing decisions and understanding the difference between wants and needs.  A financial literate individual understands the importance of saving for the long-term. They are committed to the budget that they created, which includes saving for specific large purchases, as well as longer-term financial goals such as a comfortable retirement. Financial literacy involves understanding the pros and cons of debt and being proactive about managing one’s debt obligations.  A financial literate person knows the importance of maintaining a good credit score and gets a copy of their free credit report annually at www.annualcreditreport.com.  Financial literacy is about recognizing when you have a problem managing your debt and getting assistance to help you manage the situation. Financial literacy is also about communicating openly with your significant other about financial matters. It is about teaching your children good financial habits such as saving for big purchases, starting a retirement account early and not getting in over one’s head in debt. So, now that you know what financial literacy is, go to www.financialliteracymonth.com to see what tools and information they have to help you be more financially literate.
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482143431-thought-bubbles-above-frustrated-couple-gettyimagesIn an election year, we are exposed to an abundance of rhetoric.  As candidates debate and advertise to convince people to vote for them, I listen for words reflecting respect, dignity, the ability to listen deeply and the capacity to work effectively with those who may hold different beliefs. High conflict resulting in governmental gridlock puts people at risk, especially those who are most vulnerable. Yet listening to potential leaders, I hear repeated versions of  “I will never compromise.” Though this may be intended to project strength and resolution, does it not also sound rigid and contentious? What human values does this type of rhetoric represent? How expensive in time, money and emotional resources does endless gridlock become for the people depending on resolution? Divorcing parents are faced with the necessity to make many decisions affecting the future of their family. Their children are the most vulnerable family members, counting on their parents to work things out. What happens to children when their parents disagree and then refuse to compromise? When parents become rigid and disrespectful of each other, how does the ensuing gridlock impact their children? How expensive in time, money and emotional resources does this process become? Collaborative Practice is a method of alternative dispute resolution incorporating the values of respect, honesty and fairness. From the beginning of the process, clients are supported by their attorneys and by neutral professionals on their team to engage in interest-based negotiation to ensure both parents’ true concerns are heard, rather than positional negotiation that can easily lead to heightened conflict and expensive gridlock. For more information about how Collaborative Practice might work for your family, please check out the website of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.
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straight-ahead-Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process for dissolving a marriage. It is common for one spouse being ready to move forward with divorce and the other spouse struggling to move forward in the process. Parties can be at very different points on the divorce readiness scale – one is ready, one is not. This is quite typical. The spouse not wanting to move forward is sometimes called “reluctant” or “in denial.”  Because Minnesota is a no fault divorce state, one spouse not being ready does not need to stop the process from moving forward. The ready spouse can file for divorce and the process moves on in court with little control of the reluctant spouse. However, when one spouse is looking for a non-adversarial, out-of-court alternative (like collaborative divorce), there is more of a need to bring that other spouse along. The reluctant spouse really can delay the process and interfere with the non-reluctant spouse’s desire to divorce. It is interesting to think that one spouse can be committed to a collaborative divorce, but divorcing may not have to be a collaborative decision.  So one party can control the process (with the other’s agreement), even if the other never agrees with the decision to divorce. It is common during the divorce process to have spouses be at different comfort levels with the decision to divorce. These levels of readiness can change throughout the process and even vary greatly from one meeting to another. The challenge often lies with helping the reluctant spouse commit to a collaborative process, while acknowledging his or her disagreement with the process. A good collaborative attorney can strategize ways to bring the reluctant spouse into the process and help move things forward. Ways to teach him or her about the divorce options and lay out the pros and cons of different processes for divorce.  
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187816521-father-and-daughter-walking-in-the-park-gettyimagesIn my work with families making the shift from one to two households for their children, I often remind parents that transitions between homes are typically bothersome for kids.  I use the personal example of going on vacation to explain this:  I love my job, and I love going on vacation, once I get there.  It’s the transitions in between that I don’t look forward to at all.  What do I need to remember to pack?  Did I forget something important?  Will I know what to expect when I get there?  Will I get enough sleep?  Transitions by definition take us out of one routine and into another—and kids usually do best with predictable routines.  So how can attuned parents help make transitions less stressful?  Here are five tips: 1.  When relocating after a divorce or break-up, strongly consider whether it would be possible to live within biking distance of each other.  I hear all this wish expressed all the time from kids.  It helps them feel less worried about forgetting something at the other house, because retrieval would be easier.  It also gives them a sense of personal agency to imagine they could bike over to Mom’s or Dad’s on their own power. 2.  Ensure that kids have ample supplies of what they feel is important to have at both houses.  No, you won’t need to buy two saxophones, but you may need to invest in particular kinds of shampoo and conditioner, multiple special pillows or specific games to have at each home.  Having photos of the other parent in the kids’ bedrooms will also help. 3. Be very mindful of the emotional tone of transitions.  Focus on what the kids need, which is a respectful and calm exchange.  Anything else and kids will feel in the middle. Transitions are not the time to try to resolve disagreements between parents. 4.  Be reliable and follow through on commitments.  I can’t emphasize this enough.  Trust can only build between co-parents, and between parents and children when behaviors match words. 5.  The best parenting time arrangements are both structured and reasonably flexible to accommodate unexpected opportunities or life events.   However, parents need to confer directly about any changes of plan.  Even if a child asks for the change in routine it is not a good idea to say “Sure, I’d love to take you to the game on Saturday, but it’s not my weekend with you.  You’ll have to call your mom/dad and see if it’s okay.”  This puts your child in the middle, and can be a set up for the other parent.  What to say instead?  How about, “Thanks for letting me know you’re interested in going to the game.  Mom/Dad and I need to talk first to make sure it would work.”
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485221929-woman-sitting-on-sofa-and-thinking-gettyimagesSeveral experiences this past weekend got me thinking about the meaning of a true apology.  On Sunday, I read Gail Rosenblum’s column in the Star Tribune about whether women, in particular, are socially conditioned to say “I’m sorry” too often.  After describing an Amy Schumer skit which ended with a female Nobel laureate apologizing to a coffee cup for getting in the way while dying of accidental coffee burns, Rosenblum shifts the issue to her real message:  “…we need to learn how to do sorry well.”  She quotes workplace consultant Fran Sepler who said, “The difference between an insincere and a sincere apology is miles apart.”  (I was reminded of the commercial in which a burly guy looks down at his bicep and bellows, “No Regerts?” to which his candy-eating tattoo artist whines, “Soorrryy, I was eating a Milky Way.”). A true apology requires empathy and open acknowledgment of how you have hurt the other person, and a sincere wish to begin to mend the damage. On Saturday evening, I went to a play entitled ‘Til Death, A Marriage Musical: A Hit Musical that’s Ridiculous, Squirm-Inducing and Lovely….Just Like Marriage.    The creators of the show, a couple named Jeremiah and Vanessa Gamble, wrote in the program, “We wanted to take an inward look at our own struggles of trying to practice forgiveness and live out a committed relationship.”  The show is an intelligent, witty and well-performed look at two couples whose marriages are acutely threatened by hurtful acts of omission and commission.  Throughout the play, characters say “I’m sorry” in various inauthentic ways.  It’s not until the moment that a character drops his or her defensiveness and justification and expresses true regret for hurting the other person that it becomes clear that a true apology has been offered….and accepted. The fact is, a true apology will not always be accepted by the other person.  That is beyond your ability to control.  But making a true apology, with empathy, respect and clarity, makes YOU a better person.  And the world a better place for you and your kids.
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133791230-tin-can-communication-gettyimagesListening to the voice of the child is increasingly becoming a mainstream concept in family law.  This is a welcome development, as careful attunement to children’s perspectives and needs can guide resolutions and parenting plans that are truly in the best interests of children. Having worked with children of all ages for many years,  I am aware that the language of children has its own rhythm and cadence.  Children do not always use words to express their inmost feelings and concerns.  Very young children express themselves through play and behaviors rather than spoken language.  When distressed, young children may temporarily regress to earlier behaviors.  This is a normal process, but may need professional guidance to resolve if it becomes persistent, especially when accompanied by patterns of anxiety or angry outbursts. At the opposite end of the developmental spectrum, one of my favorite essays about teenagers is entitled “Please Hear What I am Not Saying.”  Children, especially adolescents, often have difficulty expressing their feelings directly. To fully understand their child’s experience, parents need to be observant of patterns of behavior that may indicate feelings the child is unable or unwilling to express directly.  Asking a child, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you acting that way?” may not yield much information.  Another approach is to express empathy and the offer of support, “It looks like something is bothering you.  I’m here if you want to talk about it.”  If a problematic behavior pattern persists for more than a few weeks, it might be the right time to consult with a child or adolescent therapist to get neutral, professional help in decoding the problem and helping your child find healthy ways to cope. Consulting with a neutral child specialist during the divorce process can enhance your understanding of your child’s perspective and feelings.  Collaborative Team Practice is designed to provide a sounding board for all family members during a difficult time of transition.
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486417833-hope-they-work-it-out-gettyimagesHere are five suggestions for how divorcing parents can provide support to their children in the new year: 1.  Keep expectations realistic.  Children go through a grieving process just as their parents do when the marriage ends.  Their energy and focus may be impacted, and this can affect their performance in school, sports or the arts.  If this happens, be gentle with your child, who will be even more unhappy if s/he feels like a failure in a parent’s eyes. 2.  Remind your child regularly that s/he is cherished.  Children do best when they experience unconditional love and support from parents.  This includes being curious and interested in your child’s ideas, stories and day-to-day experiences. 3.  Find time to do something enjoyable with your child.  If you are fortunate enough to have the time and energy to go on a date with your child to do something mutually enjoyable this can be a great bonding experience.  However, kids my love the opportunity to play a board or video game with a parent, or make popcorn or brownies together before watching a movie at home. 4.  Maintain routines.  Most children, just like most adults, depend on routines to keep a sense of stability in their lives.  Keep routines for mealtimes, bedtimes, homework time, doing chores, etc. as predictable as possible. 5.  Be authentic.  Children rely on parents to be trustworthy.  There may be days when it is difficult to not be sad, or when patience is in short supply because of the stress of the divorce.  It’s okay to be real with your children about your feelings as long as you keep them out of the middle of any conflict with your co-parent, and as long as you are very careful to not imply that a child is responsible for making a parent feel better.  “I’m pretty sad today, so I don’t have a lot of energy.  But I know feelings don’t last forever, and I’ll feel better soon.”
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138524804-oranges-gettyimagesWhat can an orange possibly help us with in our collaborative divorce or any divorce process for that matter? You may have heard about interest based negotiations vs. position based negotiations. When I am working as a financial neutral or mediator with divorcing couples, I use an orange to demonstrate these two different approaches. I place an orange on the table and then say to the couple; here we have one orange for the two of you. How are you going to decide who gets the orange? Most people will say cut it in half. While this certainly works, it may not be the best approach. Here is why. I then tell them each why they want the orange. One wants it to eat because they are hungry. The other wants the orange peel for baking. Now if we were to cut it in half as most people will say they both only get half of what they need. It is only when they state why the orange is important to them that an agreement can be reached. When negotiating divorce issues think of the orange and remember to talk about your interests instead of locking into a position. The quicker you get to the interests you will be that much closer to an agreement. Not only is emotion and conflict minimized you also get more of what you need/want.  Think orange.