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Picture2You are getting ready to tell your spouse about your divorce; Should you get an attorney? On the one hand, you want to be protected. Going through divorce without an attorney can feel like entering a foreign country without a guide. During this difficult process it seems critical to have someone who is truly on your side. At the same time, you have a fear that lawyers will stir things up and cause unnecessary acrimony and expense. Lawyers can mean court; and your instincts tell you that going to court, or even threatening court, could turn your divorce into an economic and emotional nightmare. It would be great if you could have the best of both worlds.  It would be wonderful if there was a legal expert on your side who will not stir things up; someone who could be your best friend without becoming your spouse’s worst enemy. Today, in Minnesota, you have that option.  It’s called Collaborative Practice. In Collaborative Practice you hire an attorney for settlement purposes only. Collaborative Attorneys are typically trained in ways to help guide you through your divorce that protect your interests without creating unnecessary acrimony. In a Collaborative case, your attorney and your spouse’s attorney are both prohibited from going to court, or even threatening court. Collaborative attorneys in your community will also meet with you, at no charge, to explain more about the process and to help you learn more about whether Collaborative Practice is the best choice for you. To find a Collaborative attorney and to set up your free consultation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
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Once you have reached the difficult conclusion that your marriage is over, opening the door to discussing divorce with your spouse is never easy. Yet the way that you choose to talk about a possible divorce may have an enormous impact on you and your family for many years. Should you carefully plan your legal strategy before talking to your spouse or should you be open and honest? Does the answer depend on whether you are more interested in protecting your money or your integrity? In truth, the answer may be the same either way. Yes, if you want to preserve the dignity of your family, protect your children from an adversarial divorce and honor your own sense of integrity, an open approach is likely to be your best choice. At the same time, if you want to protect your interests and make sure that you get the best financial result, your best choice is probably, and here is the big surprise, an open and honest approach. From working with families as a divorce lawyer for 30 years, it is clear to me that starting the divorce in an open and transparent manner almost always leads to a better outcome, in every respect. Secretly planning for the divorce and hiding your plans from your spouse will not lead to any advantages when the divorce happens, and will likely fuel fear and suspicion that can make your divorce a nightmare. Despite this reality, many attorneys will still advise clients to engage in secret divorce planning strategies that often help the lawyer more than they help the clients. Before taking these steps, you need to get a second opinion. One way to achieve this is to schedule a free consultation with an experienced Collaborative attorney.
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Love Design 2009 - OpeningLove and Divorce?  You don’t hear those words together very often.  After all, divorce means the end of love, doesn’t it? Well, yes and no. Yes, divorce means that a certain type of romantic love has ended, at least for one spouse. But having watched thousands of divorces over thirty years,  I have been an eye witness to the fact that much of the love lives on.  Certainly, when there are children, the love between the parents and their children does not go away.  Indeed, sometimes it emerges with even more strength in the way that all crises have the potential to draw us closer. I have even also seen love, or at least loving behavior, sustained by husbands and wives who choose not to fully extinguish a flame that once burned so brightly.   Admittedly love is an awkward word to use in this context and I have not often heard my divorcing clients use the word love when talking about their soon-to-be ex-spouse.  But love is more than just a feeling.  One of the Webster definition’s of Love is “the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.” People that divorce can choose to continue to have concern for their former spouse, for the sake of the children, for the sake of their own integrity, or simply because they choose to do so. Our divorce laws require couples to acknowledge an “irretrievable breakdown of a marriage relationship,” but it does not require people to forfeit their love and affection for each other and it actually encourages divorcing parents to behave in a way that shows concern for each other. One of the things I like about the Collaborative divorce process is that it allows and, where possible, even encourages, couples to behave in a loving manner. Indeed, next May, the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, along with the Fetzer Institute is actually hosting a worldwide symposium to find ways to expand the ways that love, compassion and forgiveness can help divorcing families. So maybe, just maybe, for some courageous divorcing couples, love can have a lot to do with it.
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"Keep the Faith"You are a devout Christian and you think marriage should last forever.  Yet you somehow find yourself facing divorce.  No doubt you are feeling conflict.  You had hoped your faith would help you avoid coming to this place; and you may even feel guilty about the fact that you somehow have found your marriage ending, even if the end of the marriage was not your fault. Certainly if you believe your faith can help you salvage a happy marriage, you owe it to yourself to work to save the marriage in a manner consistent with what you believe.  However, if the marriage cannot be saved, this may be the time to ask yourself if your Christian principles can guide you during this most difficult time in your journey. Christianity challenges its believers to practice love, compassion and forgiveness, even under the most difficult circumstances.  In a divorce you will find yourself, at some point, sitting across the table, from a person who you at one point felt a deep sense of love.  Yet, the fear and anger and distrust fueled by divorce may trump all of those feelings.  In addition, the behavior in your spouse during the divorce may not inspire a sense of love and compassion. Still, Christian principles of love and forgiveness and compassion are meaningless if they cannot be applied to the trials and tribulations of divorce.  A faith that challenges us to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek must, at minimum, challenge us to rise above our feelings of anger and fear. Of course, a commitment to love and compassion do not mean that other principles of self preservation must be abandoned.  The issues of a divorce will also require you to work to protect yourself, and your children.  Is there a way to practice Christian love and still protect your family? As a divorce attorney, I have worked with hundreds of Christian clients and devout people of other faiths who struggle with these issues.  Sadly, I have seen some who have allowed the emotions of the divorce to put their faith on hold as they embraced an “all bets are off” approach and treated their spouse as a true adversary. Thankfully, in recent years, I have also worked with many clients, primarily in the Collaborative Process, who have drawn on their faith to find the courage to truly live Christian Principles through their divorce. The Collaborative Process, by taking clients away from divorce and providing an entire team of professionals, is designed to help divorcing people bring their best selves to the table.  For Christians, that can often mean drawing on principles of faith to face some of the most difficult trials and tribulations.
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While divorce is almost always difficult, avoiding common mistakes can spare a lot of expense and emotional turmoil. Here are the biggest mistakes that cause families to suffer unnecessarily.
  1. Rushing into a divorce before you understand your options. Today there are many different ways to divorce, including mediation, Collaborative practice and traditional methods. Yet most people start their divorce without ever getting a full, competent explanation of their options. Getting a competent explanation of all choices requires research (For a summary of options go to www.divorcechoice.com).
  2.  Letting Emotions run the show. Divorce often creates intense feelings of fear, anger and sadness.  While those feelings may be natural, even healthy, letting those feelings drive your decisions, will often result in regrettable decisions.
  3.  Losing sight of the priorities. Divorce can have a sense of urgency that causes people to lose sight of their most important goals.   Intense focus on urgent problems can distract you from more important issue. Identifying your big picture goals at the beginning of the process will help you get a better outcome.
  4.  Believing that hardball tactics will help them get better outcomes.    Many divorcing people mistakenly believe that hardball tactics will help them achieve a better outcome in their divorce.  However, these hardball tactics usually backfire and almost always produce poor outcomes.  Finding a divorce process that protects your interest through more civilized and productive strategies will help you avoid this type of financial and emotional disaster.
  5.  Thinking of divorce as only a legal issue.   Because divorcing starts as a legal proceeding, it is easy to focus solely on the legal issues.  However, in most divorces, there are financial, emotional and child development decisions to be made that will likely have a greater impact on your life. Getting help from mental health professionals and financial experts, in addition to attorneys can help you address these other important issues.
One way to avoid making these mistakes is to pursue help from Collaborative professionals.  To contact a Collaborative Professional in your area go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
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The Age of InnocenceMy wonderful in-laws were married for more than 71 years.   During their later years, visitors to their apartment were surprised to see a copy of The Collaborative Way to Divorce on their bookshelf.  The confusion was remedied after it they explained that they felt compelled to display the divorce book their son-in-law had co-authored. The situation with my in-laws always reminded me of the old joke about the couple who decided to divorce in their late 90’s,  claiming that they had waited so long because they wanted “to wait until all the children have died”. In my 30 years of divorce practice, I have never met a couple who waited quite that long, but I have often heard clients tell me they were waiting “until the kids were grown.” I sometimes fear that this approach may have caused them to postpone marital counseling, or other marriage saving measures, until the bloom has fully gone off the rose.   Still, I understand the desire to hold off on divorce to spare the children at least some of the pain. In practice, “waiting until the children have grown” generally means that, when the youngest child has reached the age of 16 or 17,  one of the parents decides they are close enough to the finish line to start down the path toward divorce.  These families are generally grateful that they have generally spared themselves the difficulties of having to work out a parenting schedule for young children.  However, most of them also come realize that their children, grown or not, are still affected about the divorce. Grown children want their parents to get along, maybe as much as young children do.  It is always sad to hear about a young man or woman who has to spend part of their wedding day worrying about whether mom and dad can be in the same room.   Thankfully, parents who want to spare their children from that anxiety choose methods like Collaborative Divorce, that allow them to remain friends, or at least retain mutual respect, that keeps their children out of the middle, long after they have grown.
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Abraham Lincoln, one of my heroes, spoke to a divided nation in 1861 and expressed a hope that everyone, north and south,  would be touched by “the better angels of our nature”.     file3921269374368 These poetic words are often ringing in my ears when I sit with a divorcing couple hoping that they might be able to summon their best selves during difficult times. Divorce can be so emotionally challenging that it is easy to excuse people who cannot bring their better angels to the process.  It would be wrong to judge anyone who, when facing divorce, becomes so blinded by fear or anger that they seem unable to summon their better natures. Yet, as a divorce attorney, someone who has a responsibility to help clients achieve better results, I cannot escape the fact that my job requires me to help them, (and if possible their spouse) find their better selves.  I do know from nearly three decades of experience that they will make better decisions and get better outcomes, particularly for their children, if they can find their “better angels”. Until ten years ago, I did not think it was even possible to help clients find their better selves. Hardened by 20 years of practicing divorce law, I had come to believe that I had to, for the most part, accept irrational and self destructive behavior from my clients.   However, during the past ten years, through the Collaborative Process, I have found that there are ways to help people find their better selves and, therefore, achieve better outcomes. This has been partly due to the training that I have received from my Collaborative Colleagues to help clients in new ways.  It is strengthened by the fact that the other attorney will work with my client’s spouse in the same manner; and by the fact that the clients can get the support of a child specialist, financial neutral and coach who will help them both bring their best selves to the table.
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serenity-prayerMany recovering alcoholics claim that the wisdom of The Serenity Prayer saved their life.  I have found in my practice that the wisdom contained in this simple prayer can also serve as an essential guide for helping people through a difficult divorce. The Serenity Prayer, which asks for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change; the power to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference, provides an important framework for dealing with almost all difficult situations. Divorce almost always creates unfortunate realities that lie outside our control; the fact that you will not see your children on certain days; the reality that your family income will now be spread through two homes; and many other stubborn truths.  These realities cannot be changed and, in the end, the ability to find acceptance and serenity is a worthy goal. Divorce also requires people to summon courage to address daunting challenges; finding ways to co-parent when you are angry or scared; learning to manage new financial challenges; or trying to communicate effectively in painful situations.  People who find this courage in divorce are much more likely to achieve their goals. Finally, gaining wisdom about which areas need acceptance and which challenges require us to act courageously is often the ultimate challenge in a divorce.  While some of this wisdom may come from divorce sources, some of the wisdom can be gathered by finding people you can trust to help you focus  your time and energy on your most important goals. One thing I like about the Collaborative Divorce Process  is the focus on giving people the tools they need to truly help themselves.  The first step in the process is generally to help clients identify their highest goals.  As the process evolves divorcing couples are counseled to accept the things beyond their control so that they can focus their attention and limited resources on the things that truly matter.  Clients who truly commit themselves to these principles can move from chaos to a new sense of order; sometimes even a deep sense of serenity.  In any case,  I have found that giving people the opportunity to gain wisdom about when to  “let go” and when to work for change is the most important part of a divorce attorney’s job.
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A New LIfeI would not wish divorce on any married couple.   It is a painful process and results in permanent loss.  But I also do not like to see people suffer through unhappy marriages.   Naturally, the best solution is to seek to improve the marriage so that both husband and wife can be happy.  However, there are times when that is simply not possible.  And for those people, their best option may be a “Happy Divorce”. I realize that “Happy Divorce” is a misnomer. No divorce is truly “Happy”.  However, in my thirty years of working with divorcing families, I have known many people who are much happier after the divorce than they were in the marriage.  I have also known hundreds of couples who treat each other with more respect after the divorce than they did during the marriage. The ability to get through a divorce in a respectful manner can be an achievement of immeasurable worth; particularly if there are children of the marriage.  No child wants to live in an unhappy home or, worse yet, two unhappy homes. In our culture, we have come to expect that divorce will bring out the worst in people.   But I have also seen couples who, although they are facing  one of the most difficult times of their lives; have found a way to bring their best selves forward, often for the sake of their children. Divorce is an end; but it is also a beginning.  Many couples even greet divorce as an opportunity to improve their life skills.   In some occasions, these couples, when faced with divorce, find ways to communicate more effectively; work to improve their parenting skills through a neutral parenting specialists; and even find ways to better their financial capacities through the help of a neutral financial expert.   While there are many ways to achieve these goals, one method that is rapidly growing in popularity is called Collaborative Divorce, where couples work with a team of professionals (lawyers, mental health professionals and financial experts) to help them improve their lives after divorce in significant measurable ways.  To learn more about this option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org  or www.divorcechoice.com.
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T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce.    His discovery could save you something just as valuable. When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different.  Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce,  a process he claims saved him “ several millions”. In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.” In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas. If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose)  millions.  However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable.  Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.”   For most families who face divorce,  this is the more crucial issue.  Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court. I have represented hundreds of families  through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families .  Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless. To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.