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choosing an attorneyI recommend you research and interview several divorce attorneys. This can help you develop and clarify some of your goals and interests and help confirm the choice of process you and your spouse want to use. It’s important to keep in mind that an attorney is only one member of what hopefully will be a team of professionals to help you on your “getting unmarried” journey. Child specialists, financial specialists specifically experienced in divorce planning, and possibly a coach should also be considered as a part of your team. My reason for suggesting these other professionals is simple. They each are experts in their respective fields. Attorneys are not really trained to be financial specialists nor are they trained to be therapists or child specialists. They are trained to be attorneys and are a much needed part of your divorce team. Divorce however, is more than a legal event. Getting unmarried is a financial, emotional, and relational event as well as a legal event. Think about it, if you were to have heart surgery would you choose a general practice physician? I doubt it. Getting unmarried is like having open-heart surgery on your life’s finances, your children and multiple relationships. You will, in my opinion, be better served by having a team of experts in their respective fields assisting you and your spouse on this journey. Now back to choosing an attorney. You want someone who supports you and the type of process you and your spouse want to use. You will both want someone who listens to you, someone who doesn’t necessarily tell you what you want to hear but rather someone who has the wherewithal and will honestly be a realistic advocate. If an attorney promises you specific outcomes in your divorce, I would encourage you to run the other way; don’t walk. A good divorce attorney knows there is no certainty of outcomes in the divorce arena. You want a problem solver not a problem maker. There are plenty of good problem solver types of attorneys around. Unfortunately, as in any profession, there are some problem makers as well. How do you find the problem solvers? In today’s wired world you can Google the attorneys name, check out their website, LinkedIn profile and Facebook pages. You can do all this before ever picking up the phone. If you do thorough research and interview several attorneys you should be able to distinguish between the problem solvers and problem makers. You may want to consider making an initial phone call to an attorney before scheduling an interview session. This can tell you how quickly they return calls and how connected you might feel towards them from your initial phone conversation. It will also save you and the attorney time if you decide not to set up a face-to-face interview after the phone call. When interviewing attorneys, ask how they will communicate with you. Some clients think their attorney and other professionals should be available for them around the clock.  Remember you are not their only client and they have a personal life and schedule as you do. Ask them if they will be communicating directly with you or will their assistant or paralegal. Ask them what you should expect in terms of them replying to your phone calls and/or emails. It’s better for both you and the attorney to have clear expectations up front to avoid disappointment later on. Traditionally, I believe most individuals begin the process of getting unmarried through contact with an attorney. Part of the reason for this is our culture including media has conditioned us to first approach divorce through the legal channel. While I certainly would not discourage anyone from beginning the divorce process through the legal avenue, there are other approaches. It may be through a marital counselor, therapist, financial professional, divorce coach or some other channel. While the majority of divorce cases still begin with attorneys on board, it is not unusual for a couple to begin the process with a child specialist, financial specialist, or divorce coach, brining the attorneys on board at a later time. This approach is dependent upon the comfort level of each spouse, their priorities, needs, and concerns. The point is the divorce process can begin in a number of avenues and does not necessarily have to always begin with the attorney. In my next and final post in this series I will offer some questions for you to consider when interviewing an attorney.
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Rupert Murdoch Wendi Murdoch 2011 Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his third wife is all but final. It seems they reached a settlement agreement that presumably divides their assets and details a parenting schedule for their two children. Who did what to whom? Who is the more capable parent? What is the settlement? What did the reported prenuptial and multiple postnuptial agreements say? We will never know and it is for the best. While the details would have provided entertaining reading about how the other half live, the family will benefit from not having their opinions/positions about each other immortalized in an affidavit or court transcript. While I can only guess what went on behind closed doors, I believe the following quote from their publicist hints that they may have gone into negotiations with a shared goal of dissolving their marriage in a respectful manner, with the needs of their two daughters in the forefront. “We move forward with mutual respect and a shared interest in the health and happiness of our two daughters,” the Murdoch publicist stated. By not taking a position and sharing an interest, the Murdochs did not have to divulge the details that would have helped a judge to make a decision about their lives, and would have kept people entertained for hours. They took matters into their own hands and figured it out with a common goal, and thereby they were able to keep private matters private. Thus, they gave their daughters the best chance of being happy, as they could go through life without knowing, hopefully, what their parents thought of each other. They are left knowing that their welfare guided their parents discussions and kept the matter out of court, and therefore, confidential.
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choosing an attorneyChoosing an attorney to represent you in a divorce proceeding at first may sound fairly straightforward. Too often I see this critical step not being given the attention it deserves. Sometimes it is simply a friend, relative or co-worker who refers someone who they felt or heard was good. While everyone means well, I suggest they probably don’t know what your goals and interests are for your divorce. They don’t know if a particular attorney is a good fit for you. Sometimes a client will find the first attorney who tells them what they want to hear. This often is a big red flag. Ultimately, only you will be able to decide who the best fit may be for your circumstances. I hope this three part series of posts on the importance of choosing an attorney, issues to consider when choosing an attorney, and finally some questions to ask a divorce attorney, will provide you with some valuable insights. I believe choosing an attorney is the third most important decision you will make on your journey to get unmarried. Remember in The first post of “Getting Unmarried” the most important decision is deciding to get unmarried in the first place. In Part II, I wrote the second most important decision is to research and decide “How to get unmarried;” essentially deciding on the divorce process that you feel–and hopefully your spouse feels–will accomplish the goals you both want to achieve. The third most important decision I’ll cover in this first of a three part series will be on the importance of choosing an attorney for yourself and equally as important if not more important is who your spouse decides to hire as an attorney. But let’s put first things first.  In my way of thinking, you can’t begin to choose an attorney until you first, decide to get unmarried and, secondly, decide what type of divorce process you and your spouse want to use. Provided you have made these first two decisions, let’s make an assumption that both you and your spouse will want an attorney. If you have children from your marriage and or have significant assets and/or liabilities to ultimately allocate between you and your spouse in a property settlement, I strongly encourage everyone with these circumstances to be represented by an attorney. Let me disclose here, I am not an attorney. Too many do it yourself divorce packages often result in repeated appearances in court and end up being significantly more costly to the clients down the road. Leaving it to guesswork or not giving your property settlement the attention it deserves can be costly. Remember your marriage may not last forever but your property settlement will. If you have children let me share this quote by Neil Postman, an American writer and professor, with you. “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.”  When children are involved they will be watching closely for the messages you and your spouse send to them about your divorce. They will live and carry those messages throughout their lifetime. For these reasons, give careful and thoughtful consideration to the process you choose for your divorce and the attorneys both you and your spouse end up hiring. In the second part of this series, I outline important issues to consider when choosing an attorney.
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My Pilates instructor, Maria Franklin, is a truly gifted holistic healer, committed to creating physical, emotional and spiritual strength and balance. During each class, Maria imparts nuggets of wisdom as we flex and twist.  Maria reminds us that “practice makes permanent” and that we are capable of stretching ourselves much further than we thought possible as long as we believe we can.  Stretching further and further is temporarily painful, but the strength and balance gained will last forever as long as we keep mindful, keep practicing and keep breathing. Maria recently shared this nugget as we learned a challenging new exercise:  “If you let go and relax, you can do it. If you clench, it won’t work.” She saw us instinctively tightening up in self-protection, as we were uncertain we were strong enough to safely do the exercise. She wanted us to trust ourselves more and release our muscles in spite of our fear of falling. She was right. Relaxing and releasing worked. We did not feel out of control, but became calmer and more confident of our abilities. As a neutral child specialist in Collaborative Team Practice, I know that members of families with whom I work are constantly being thrust into stressful new situations that will require them to painfully stretch in ways they might not have thought possible. It is the nature of divorce to be filled with uncertainty, and involuntary clenching of emotional muscles is a natural response to fear and anxiety. This can make a painful situation excruciating, and may hinder efforts at mastery of what lies ahead. In Collaborative Team Practice, you will find a team of professionals who are committed to helping families in crisis create stability, strength and balance while letting go of fear of the unknown future. We help people get unmarried in an environment of safety and respect. I have written before on the necessity of letting go to move on. Experience keeps sending me reminders of the importance of practicing and ultimately mastering what fear tells us is not possible. Get the support you need and deserve from a Collaborative team, focus on healthy resolutions for you and your children, keep breathing and believe in yourself. You can do it.
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Parent and ChildOne of my favorite people, and among the wisest of my friends, is my hair stylist, Gina. I always look forward to any time we have to chat while my newly foiled tresses take their color. Recently, we had such an opportunity. We were talking about my work as a Collaborative neutral child specialist, hearing the voices of children whose parents are getting unmarried or separated. Gina shared a story I hadn’t heard, and graciously consented to let me blog about it. Gina’s parents, like many other couples, went through some very rough patches in their marriage. Because they eventually committed to changing destructive patterns, and worked hard using appropriate community resources, they were able to turn things around in a healthy direction. But not while Gina was a child, after she was nearly grown. Gina told me that as the youngest child, she had grown up hearing her parents say they would not separate or get a divorce until she had graduated from high school. They may have believed this decision was in her best interests. But to Gina, this decision “on her behalf” made her feel responsible for the conflict and pain that existed in the home. She couldn’t change things on her own, and felt trapped. She believes that behavior patterns she was forced to normalize by growing up in an abusive family environment impacted her deeply, both as a child and an adult. She has worked very hard to establish healthy patterns for herself, has generously given back to the community, and devotedly raised a fine son. But because early social learning is so powerful in shaping us,  she knows she must always be mindful about her adult relationships. Just staying together when high conflict persists is not a protective factor for children. It is the high conflict itself that inflicts traumatic wounds. Children’s psyches absorb toxic emotional environments just as their bodies absorb lead, and with the same destructive consequences. The decision to separate or divorce should not be made lightly, especially when there are children involved. However, the important question must always be, what needs to be done to keep children out of harm’s way? For many struggling families, Collaborative Team Practice offers a way to end a high conflict marriage or partnership and begin a healthier pattern of co-parenting after separation or divorce. Children in high conflict families with whom I have met during their parents’ divorce have expressed relief to go home after school to homes that are not filled with stress, anger and anxiety. Please go to www.collaborativelaw.org for more information.
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Harry PotterWorking with children, I became a Harry Potter fan out of both necessity and real appreciation.   J.K. Rowlings’ world of wizards and magic is a fantasy, but the themes of these books are human and real. Among the most frightening characters in Rowlings’ epic struggles of power and control, good vs. evil, are the Death Eaters and the Dementors.

The Death Eaters are those in the wizard world who have made a pledge to support Lord Voldemort, whose vision of total domination rather than peaceful co-existence has been distorted by his hate and rage, and obsession with destroying Harry Potter.  The Dementors are the terrifying, soul-sucking wraiths who feed on fear. What a relief that Death Eaters and Dementors aren’t real and aren’t about us! But Rowlings has created a thought-provoking twist.

By the last book, Harry Potter has discovered that he and Lord Voldemort have much in common. Harry alone must determine whether he is capable of making the necessary sacrifice for the greater good of those who depend on him to be their champion. Harry must defeat the Death Eaters and Dementors by conquering his own fear and rage with selfless love. Harry is not perfect, he has made many mistakes and hurt the ones he cares about, but he has this gift within him waiting to be discovered at the time of ultimate crisis.

What I find compelling about the Harry Potter books is the mirror they hold to our world. In our humanity, we all find ourselves having to figure out how to resolve inevitable conflicts and manage strong negative emotions. Parents and children facing divorce are certainly living through an emotional crisis. The question is, do we let rage and fear drive and perhaps distort our actions, or do we seek another way, one that may ask us to sacrifice power and control for the greater good of those who depend on us to be their champions–our children.

Collaborative Team Practice is an alternative dispute resolution process using interest-based negotiation and problem solving to reach agreements and sustainable resolutions. On the team, allied and neutral professionals provide support and guidance to manage strong negative emotions, suggest creative and equitable financial resolutions, and negotiate safe, developmentally responsive parenting plans. It can be a highly effective way to help families transition respectfully during the crisis of a divorce.

We know Collaborative Team Practice may not be the right choice for all families.  However, it is a process that will work for many families. Our belief is that reaching agreements rather than perpetuating conflict is truly the way to be champions for children in the age of Death Eaters and Dementors.

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All of us want to be the best parents we can be. We want our children to feel loved and supported. We want to share with them their disappointments as well as their successes. When parents divorce, the family faces new challenges. Parents can feel overwhelmed by seemingly insurmountable emotional and financial issues needing resolution. However, divorce does not excuse you from performing the most important job of your life: parenting your children. Much of the advice about co-parenting deals with your relationship with your former spouse. However, you alone can powerfully influence your children’s divorce experience. Here are three important actions you can take to help your children adjust to the transition from one household to two:
  1. Realize that it’s not about you. This is so critical that it bears repeating … it’s not about you! Your children need your love and support, especially during times of change. It’s your job to provide that love and support. If possible, choose a divorce process that keeps your children out of the middle. Do whatever is necessary to get over the reasons for the divorce. You will be a healthier person if you can find a way to let go of past resentments. If you need help doing so, find a good therapist and do the work. If you’re reluctant to do it for yourself, do it for your kids!
  2. Set a positive tone. Your attitude toward life is contagious and your children will “catch it.” Tune out our culture’s message that divorce is always bad for kids. Tune out the negativity expressed by well-meaning friends and family, who may be more than eager to share their stories. Work on reducing your reactivity to everyday situations through relaxation, mediation or yoga. Your kids are watching you to gauge how things are going. Show them that you’re all right. This doesn’t mean pretending that all is perfect. Life presents many challenges. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to model resiliency.
  3. Listen. Make time each day to be fully available to each of your children. It’s easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of normal, everyday life. This is especially true when you’re in the process of redefining “normal.” Turn off the TV and cellphones for a few minutes each day so that you have each other’s undivided attention. Encourage your child to share her feelings and experiences. Ask open-ended questions, which invite sharing without pressuring them. Regular check-ins will make it more natural for your children to express themselves when they experience problems.
Try to be mindful of these three suggestions. Remind yourself that how you accept situations in your life will influence your children’s resiliency in theirs.
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Several times a year, I have the opportunity to present a workshop on child-centered divorce, parenting plans and co-parenting to Daisy Camp. Daisy Camp is the brainchild of Jennifer Morris, a realtor who has realized her vision of providing women with important resources and support during and after a divorce. Jennifer assembles volunteer speakers, many of whom are Collaborative Team Practice professionals, to share information and facilitate discussion on a range of divorce-related topics. Daisy Camp is an amazing Minnesota resource.

At the most recent Daisy Camp, I was pleasantly surprised when a former Collaborative client joined the group right before my presentation. I had provided neutral child specialist services for her family a year ago, meeting with her children to understand their perspectives on how family could work best for them during and after their parents’ divorce, and assisting parents in the creation of their developmentally responsive parenting plan. My client told the group she was there for a refresher on child-centered co-parenting, especially with an ex she often found frustrating to work with. Other women in the group shared stories and concerns about the challenge of keeping children at the center and out of the middle. We discussed the impact of divorce on kids, and the importance of keeping a crisis from becoming a trauma for children. Our discussion was thought-provoking and emotionally powerful. At the end of the workshop, my former client revealed how difficult it had been during her divorce process to internalize messages about keeping children at the center and out of the middle, not blaming the other parent, and preserving her kids’ relationships with someone by whom she felt so betrayed. She has remained on a co-parenting high road on behalf of her children, even when she felt she was doing this unilaterally, and is more convinced than ever that this has been of benefit to her children and is the right thing to do. This personal revelation was a gift to the group. Her final gift to the group was a heartfelt message of hope. She said while she was in the midst of a highly stressful divorce, she couldn’t have imagined how much healing could happen in a year. Her parting words, “Believe me, it gets better!” rang strong and true, both for her, and equally importantly, for her beloved children.
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Trust The “Rule of Relationship” is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. Often we are not even aware of its existence. In a divorce, it can be more powerful than the rule of law. Here is how it works. Let’s assume you and your spouse are separated but you do not have any legal document regulating your separation or parenting. You have informally agreed to share weekends with the children and you pick the children up from your spouse’s home of Friday, promising to return them by 6:00 p.m. on Sunday. What if you decide not to return the children at that time? You will not have broken any law since there is no divorce or court order. Yet the consequences of your decision may be even more severe than any punishment a court could order as you have violated the “Rule of Relationship.” You may have damaged trust in a manner that could be very difficult to repair. Maintaining some level of trust is crucial in almost all situations. It is tempting to think that, in a divorce, there is no trust. Indeed, your spouse may even have been unfaithful causing you to believe that all trust is lost. But, in reality, there is almost always some degree of trust that exists in any relationship. If you literally had no trust at all, you would not ever allow your spouse to even be in the presence of your children, since you need to trust them to provide for their well being and safety, for at least some portion of their week. Despite the broken promises that can give rise to a divorce, most people are able to find a way to retain some basic level of trust, out of necessity and concern for their children. Trust is generally regulated by the “Rule of Relationship” and not by laws. Trust can only be created or lost through behavior. When it comes to regulating day to day behavior no court or government, no matter how well intended, can intervene on a daily basis to address these difficult situations. Parents are often left with their own laws, the Rule of Relationship,” to help them parent their children and regulate their lives. That is one of the reasons more and more parents are choosing out of court solutions, such as Collaborative Practice, to help them resolve their issues out of court. Working parenting issues out of court, where the laws of relationship and responsibility can help rebuild trust, can help your parenting plan go more smoothly and gives your children a true role model for developing trust in their lives.
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A recent article in the New York Times suggests that big-money divorces provide lessons for less-wealthy couples. Regardless of a couple’s income or net worth, several questions are common to most marriage dissolutions, including:
  • How can we create a parenting plan that will benefit our children?
  • How can we divide our assets fairly?
  • How can we maintain control of divorce costs?
The Collaborative divorce process uses a team model to provide the information and support necessary to allow couples to reach mutually satisfactory answers to these questions. As the New York Times article points out, Collaborative divorce “focuses on getting to a quick, fair resolution.” A thoughtful parenting plan consists of more than a schedule of overnights. A Collaborative child specialist can help parents craft a plan that addresses the individual and developmental needs of their children. Discussions often include such issues as the schools the children will attend, future relationships with extended family, introduction of significant others, and future moves by either parent. Sometimes parents can reach agreements regarding possible future events, but often it is sufficient to agree on a process for resolving future differences of opinion. Either way, including such agreements in the parenting plan can provide a framework for the years ahead. Similarly, achieving a fair division of assets can be challenging. A Collaborative financial professional can assist with collection of documentation, valuation of assets, and tax considerations. Once both parties understand the relevant information, they generate and evaluate various settlement options to determine the best arrangement for their family. While keeping the costs of divorce as reasonable as possible is a worthy goal, conflict is expensive. In litigation, each spouse hires their own experts, often resulting in extreme positions, elevated emotions, and a sluggish process. Collaboratively trained neutral professionals, whose fees are shared by the parties, provide more expertise at a lower cost. Their neutrality also reduces the likelihood of impasse due to either spouse’s unrealistic expectations. If you are interested in learning more about the Collaborative process, please visit the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota website for more information.