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175440139In Part I of Getting Unmarried, Money and Divorce, I talked about the two financial pillars of any divorce. The first being the balance sheet that lists every single asset and liability. The second being forward looking cash flow and support needs for children, if any, and both spouses. In this post, I will briefly cover some other financial issues common in many divorces.  These include some discussion of marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. A financial neutral assists with identifying what is marital and what is non-marital property. Marital property of course is that property acquired during the marriage.  Generally, non-marital property is property owned prior to the marriage and brought into the marriage, inherited property, and or property received as a gift. Sometimes this can include a home where the down payment made with non-marital money, a retirement plan when the participant contributed to the plan prior to and during the marriage, or more simply a family heirloom passed down through the generations. Non- marital property generally remains with the receiver of the property and not considered in the allocation of marital property. When there is both marital and non-marital interest in an asset, a financial neutral can help determine the values of both the marital and non-marital interests. The tax implications for child support and spousal maintenance are different. Child support is not taxable income to the payee and is not deductible by the payer. Spousal maintenance on the other hand is taxable income to the payee and is deductible by the payer in most situations. A qualified financial neutral is able to help a couple determine an optimal combination of child support and spousal maintenance in order to provide the greatest amount of after tax income to the family. When a couple or one of the spouses owns a business, it is often helpful to determine the business value. If needed a specially trained neutral business valuation expert is engaged to provide this service. These trained experts employ a variety of valuation methodologies to provide an opinion as to the value of a particular business. Depending upon the complexities of the business the time and cost to complete a business valuation can vary. Debts are another financial area where clients can benefit from the insight of a qualified financial neutral. Facilitating how to allocate debt between two spouses is an important function of the financial neutral. The neutral may suggest the clients consider a number of options available including the potential of reducing or paying off debt with other assets. This can help a couple breathe a little easier when freeing up needed cash flow for living expenses by not continuing to carry current levels of debt. A well-trained neutral financial specialist helps divorcing clients see the big picture pros and cons of making a number of financial moves during settlement discussions. Clients are then able to make informed educated decisions concerning their financial future. The financial neutral is family centered in the collaborative process and makes every effort to assist divorcing clients reach agreements they both can live with. Only in the collaborative divorce process are clients able to achieve this level of client introspection and decision-making. Collaborative divorce is not for everyone. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you or someone you know? Click on this link to learn more and decide for yourself.  www.collaborativelaw.org
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My daughter Sarah with her grandmothers
My daughter Sarah with her grandmothers
Perhaps the most important advice I can give someone going through a divorce is to keep the long view in mind. Although it is easy to be swamped by the immediate emotions, the years after the divorce are where you see the impact of your decisions on your entire family. And nothing brings it to the forefront like a milestone event for your child, which I am currently experiencing. My daughter Sarah graduated from high school and will soon be heading off to Wellesley College. This summer has been marked by a graduation weekend with extended family, and soon I will join my fiancé and Sarah’s dad to move Sarah into her dorm. Bringing together the extended family for graduation post-divorce could have been painful and awkward. But it was a wonderful, celebratory weekend filled with love for Sarah and our love and respect for all members of the family. Sarah was in grade school when her dad, John, and I divorced. Divorce is always painful, but we were blessed with a team of collaborative professionals to assist us in the process. I have known for years that a collaborative divorce launched our excellent co-parenting relationship. What really resonated on graduation weekend was the impact on the extended family. My mom flew in from Arizona and John’s mom flew in from New York. These grandmothers had not seen each other since Sarah’s baptism. John’s brother came from Pennsylvania, and he had not seen my mom since our wedding 24 years ago. Also in the mix was my fiancé, Josh, his daughter Lily and his parents. I admit I was a bit nervous about seeing my former mother-in-law and brother-in-law, but it was incredible. We all worked together setting up for Sarah’s graduation party, had multiple meals together, carpooled to the ceremony and sat together cheering for Sarah as she collected her diploma. The love was abundant in all these events, which was priceless. Here’s what collaborative practice allowed for our family: we began to forgive each other and start healing. If we had litigated, the resentments would have become entrenched. By forgiving each other for our failures in the marriage, we could open up to respect and even love towards each other as parents of our amazing daughter. Our tone set the tone for our families – no one needs to choose sides or hold resentments. We can celebrate with full hearts. When we wave goodbye to Sarah at Wellesley this month, she can feel secure knowing her crazy, blended family is behind her, laughing, hugging and linking arms. I am looking forward to the next milestone, when we can all gather again. I know that wouldn’t be possible if we had litigated our divorce. I hope every parent going through a divorce strives for more than just being civil to each other. My hope is that you can celebrate the gifts each parent and family member brings to the life of your child. It starts with your divorce process – collaborative practice allows you to transform your relationship.
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I received a text message the other day from a friend asking if I heard that mutual friends of ours had filed for divorce. I was not surprised to receive this news as it was a long time coming, however, I was surprised that the driving point of the text was how “ugly” the divorce was going to get. With three little girls between the ages of 6 and 12, ugly is the last thing they need. The exchange made me recall an email that we received at Daisy Camp a few months ago. The women had used one of the best divorce attorneys in the Twin Cities and had been out for blood. It look her five years post-divorce to realize that she wanted to “get better, not bitter,” and that the payback that she was seeking in her divorce would never take away the broken heart or help her to heal. 5 years later she realized that no divorce concessions would have justified as payback, but what she was actually seeking was healing. It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the divorce and not realize that the amount of money, division of property, child support, spousal maintenance (alimony), or the amount of child custody time that is “won” won’t mean a thing if it come at the cost of the relationship if your children. Which is why more and more couples are seeking to divorce collaboratively these days. No one wins in divorce, but you have a lot to lose when a divorce gets ugly.
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158812369Divorce is a family event that impacts children of all ages.There has been an uptick of divorces for middle-aged and older couples whose children may have already launched their adult lives.Just because children are not living under the same roof with a parent or parents does not mean their lives won’t be deeply affected by family changes that will occur following a divorce.

At Daisy Camp, I have heard many sad stories of communication breakdowns between parents and their adult children during and after a divorce.Adult children experience unique emotional distress and practical challenges. Regardless of age, children can feel caught in the middle if parents remain in conflict.In fact, adult children can experience a heightened sense of betrayal and confusion about what has happened to their family of origin

Here are three considerations for divorcing parents of adult children:

1.  It is helpful for adult children if parents are able to inform them about the divorce with a thoughtfully prepared joint We Statement.This allows parents to be more in charge of the message and the tone, and may gently discourage adult children from feeling as though they are expected to take sides or determine who is to blame.A Neutral Child Specialist can assist parents in the creation of a We Statement.

 2.  Adult children will continue to have personal and family-centered milestones to celebrate, including graduations, engagements, marriages and births of grandchildren.   Advance planning and clear communication with adult children about parents’ readiness and willingness to jointly participate can reduce anxiety for adult children.If parents are not ready and willing to jointly participate, being able to constructively problem solve with children so the events can proceed without undue drama is also helpful to them.A worst-case scenario for adult children is feeling helplessly caught in a power struggle between parents for every family event.

 3.  Adult children may ask difficult questions, and parents need to be prepared to answer honestly but without making their children feel the necessity of taking sides.Keeping children at the center and out of the middle can be especially challenging if there has been an infidelity or other breach of trust in the marriage.Under these circumstances, it can be especially valuable for divorcing parents to get the support and guidance of a neutral mental health professional.

 Collaborative Team Practice provides access to skilled mental health expertise from a Neutral Child Specialist or Neutral Coach to guide parents to support their adult children through a difficult transition that will impact the rest of their lives.It is a privilege to help parents create a legacy of healing and respect for their adult children and grandchildren.

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173298779When you are ready to start a divorce, nothing creates more frustration than the reluctant spouse.  How are you supposed to move forward with your life when your husband or wife doesn’t want a divorce?  Here is my advice for dealing with the spouse who is dragging their feet. 1.  Keep your long-term goals in the forefront, rather than taking short-term aggressive action. A friend of mine from another state called me recently to tell me about her meeting with a divorce lawyer. My friend wants a divorce; her husband doesn’t. The lawyer said she ought to serve and file divorce papers on her husband and tell her three children about the divorce by herself so she controlled the story to the kids. This kind of advice is what gives lawyers a bad name. Like most people with kids, my friend wants to protect them from conflict and have a good co-parenting relationship after the divorce. That means she has to work with her husband, not set up a firestorm of conflict by launching an aggressive attack.  2. Get the right support to help your spouse. A spouse who is not emotionally ready to handle a divorce can make the process difficult. It’s much more effective to connect with resources to help your spouse accept the divorce. If you have been in marriage counseling, you could enlist the counselor to facilitate conversations about your desire for a divorce and options for proceeding. Discernment counseling, which is a limited scope form of therapy, is another approach. Or you could work with a collaborative divorce coach, who is skilled at working with couples who are have a gap in their respective readiness to proceed with divorce.  3.  Use the time to gather necessary financial documents.  While you are letting your spouse play “catch up” emotionally, it helps to feel like you are taking steps to move forward. One task that has to happen is gathering financial information. You can contact a collaborative financial neutral to find out about their services and the information that will be needed. You can gather records, such as tax returns, mortgage documents, bank statements, and credit card statements. You can look into insurance costs as an individual and look into housing options. Gathering all the financial information usually takes some time, and there is no reason why you can’t get a start on that important step. It will make things go more quickly once you are ready to start the process. It is rare for both spouses to be in the same place emotionally when deciding to end a marriage. If you can give your spouse some time and support to accept that the marriage is over, you gain a less frustrating divorce process and a foundation for a good working relationship as co-parents.
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175383921In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces” I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases. Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask.  First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate  all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse.  Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide.  Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce”. There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more:  www.collaborativelaw.org.
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168408173In my last blog I wrote about how people travel all around the world to learn about how we Collaborative divorce in Minnesota. In this blog, I want to say a little bit about why that is true. Describing all of the elements of Collaborative Divorce would require more than we could put in one blog. I want to focus on the one element that may stand out above the others: choice. People who face family conflict need choices. Collaborative Divorce takes everyone, including the lawyers outside the court system, so that there is complete freedom for each family to design a process that truly meets their unique needs. Once people arrive at that place where true choices can be made, there are many options. Here are some examples of choices people can make in the Collaborative Process:
  • People can choose to have a parenting expert help them with their children rather than leaving the parenting issues divorce lawyers.
  • People can choose to have a financial expert teach them about how to handle finances better rather than just fight over who gets the bigger slice of the pie.
  • People can choose to improve their communication, and even, if possible improving their respect and trust of each other, by getting the emotional support that they need.
  • People can choose to focus on their highest goals, like reducing conflict and can avoid getting caught up in minor issues.
  • People can even choose to put the divorce on pause, if appropriate, to give them time to look at their marriage and determine whether they want to work on reconciliation.
When families are in conflict, trying to fit that conflict into a narrow “one-size fits all” system, can lead to outcomes that do not address true needs. Stepping outside the shadow of the courthouse and letting families design their own course leads to better outcomes. Divorce is difficult. The choices that you make during this important time could affect your family for decades. Before you take the first step, explore all of your options. To find out about the Collaborative option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
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471951467Recently I participated in a case debrief with other members of a Collaborative team.  The debrief, or case consultation, is a regular and ordinary part of Collaborative Team Practice.  Any team member can request a debrief to get an update or deal with an emerging issue, or they can be regularly scheduled by the neutral coach as part of team practice.  I usually don’t think twice about how remarkable these discussions can be.  But it is important to occasionally reflect on what makes Collaborative Team Practice uniquely able to tailor problem solving to the needs of clients. The issue we were addressing as a team was how to best support a divorcing couple to deal with hurtful and contentious behavior by extended family.  This is not an uncommon concern.  It can be difficult for extended family and friends to know how to behave during a divorce, and many default to taking sides.  This can aggravate an already painful situation, especially for children who find themselves in the middle when listening to an aunt, uncle, grandparent or other family member who is critical or dismissive of one parent. This issue had arisen several times while creating a parenting plan.  Because parents were working with me as a neutral child specialist, it was possible for us to generate options in an open way, e.g. inviting extended family members to a meeting with me to talk about the goals of Collaborative Team Practice and the importance of keeping kids at the center and out of the middle.  Parents and I agreed I should discuss their concerns and potential options with their team. In the team debrief, the attorneys and neutrals working with this family continued to openly address this issue with a problem solving approach, and more options were generated for supporting our clients and their children. Each team member was able to contribute nonjudgmental, constructive perspective and empathetic support.  We shared the commitment to assist our clients through a challenging time. In a different kind of divorce process, it would have been difficult to have such an open discussion about an issue with such potential to be polarizing. Team debriefs are clearly one of the strengths and value-added dimensions of the Collaborative Team Practice model.
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176725719Every couple and every divorce is different. A divorce is often a complicated process involving emotional and financial elements. While there is no universal process for divorce, there are some common mistakes. Indeed, if a divorcing couple could avoid these mistakes, they would be very well on their way to a respectful process with the best possible outcomes. 1. It is a mistake to have unreasonable expectations. You will not “win” on every issue. In fact, a collaborative divorce results in mutually agreeable resolutions. The work is not about winning or losing, it is about working to come up in resolutions that are acceptable to both spouses.  What matters is looking at the big picture and working toward a resolution together so that you don’t fall into the trap of seeing every decision as a win-loss issue. 2. It is a mistake to let your emotions rule you. A divorce is a very emotional process.  This is understandable and a part of the process. During a divorce, you need to try and make decisions in your own best interest. Decisions out of anger or frustration may not be as long-lasting. Try to find a support network and a professional team to support you to make decisions that feel right and have long-standing value. 3. It is a mistake to not deal with your finances. An important thing to focus on is your finances. In addition to dividing up the financial assets/liabilities and property you have, it is important to think about the tax implications of your divorce.  You want a support team in place that thinks about all of the financial necessities and comes up with workable and predictable resolutions that work. 4. It is a mistake to not consider a collaborative divorce. It is important to recognize that there are various process options available to you in a divorce. Even if both parties in the divorce want nothing but for the marriage to end, it is important to remember that your situation is as unique as your marriage was. A collaborative divorce may work best for you and your spouse. It will allow you to work together to determine how the marriage will end, how your assets will be divided and how child custody will be decided. This type of dissolution isn’t solely for couples who are parting amicably and have little to divide; many couples work with each other collaboratively during a divorce so that the have control of the process and how to settle property and custody issues.
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482285789I recently attended a symposium about divorce entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” At first glance you might wonder whether we had anything to talk about. What do love and divorce have in common? Isn’t divorce the result of the loss of love? Sharing ideas with others interested in improving the divorce process reinforced my belief that love, forgiveness and compassion are the keys to divorcing well, and that divorce can indeed be a healing process. Divorce is an all-too-common event these days. We all have friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers who have experienced becoming unmarried. Some just barely survive and are stuck looking back at their divorce with regret and resentment. Years later they continue to bad-mouth their ex and blame their divorce for their ongoing unhappiness. Their inability to be present and available has long-term consequences for their children as well. Most of us also know people who not only survive, but thrive in their post-divorce lives. They are somehow able to accept the major changes in their day-to-day lives and move forward. By doing so, they are healthy role models for their children and fun to be around.  What accounts for these vastly different outcomes? Personality certainly has something to do with it. Some humans are blessed with more optimistic outlooks than others. Seeing the glass half full reduces anxiety about the future. Life circumstances also play a role. Good health, steady employment, and a healthy balance sheet contribute to feeling better about what lies ahead. However, several decades of experience tells me that one factor trumps everything else in terms of one’s ability to recover from divorce … the ability to forgive. Anger, bitterness, blame and resentment are feelings associated with the loss of a loving relationship. Grieving the loss is necessary in order to get on with life. Tara Brach, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, who was a symposium presenter, says, “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Rather than being lazy and stuck, working through one’s grief with a therapist, clergy person, or trusted friend can lead to understanding and forgiveness. Acknowledgment and forgiveness of one’s own contributions to the divorce are essential, as is forgiveness of the other person. In the Collaborative divorce process, our professional team includes a neutral coach and a child specialist, both of whom assist the parties in reaching closure with regard to their marriage and defining their future co-parenting relationship. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” -Fredrick Buechner