As a confirmed New Yorker subscriber, I enjoy the cartoons as much as the writing. Indeed, the cartoons alone would justify my subscription. Earlier this year, there was a drawing of a customer addressing a florist.
“I want some flowers that say, ‘Here! Have some frickin’ flowers!'”
For a lot of couples about to enter into a dissolution of their marriage, the holidays are a time of high anxiety. Often, both spouses know it’s coming–soon–but call a truce in order not to wreck the children’s Christmas.
According to some of my former clients who have done that, the whole holiday season felt like, “Here! Have a frickin’ truce!”
Tense, hollow, sarcastic. Anxiety-ridden, courtesy of the Unknown.
A close friend who knows about my practice once asked me, “What’s the most important thing you can tell someone who comes in to see you about a divorce?”
“Well, it will depend on what’s most important to that person at that moment, but, generally speaking, I’d want them to know it’s going to be all right,” I said.
“Isn’t that a little misleading? I mean, you don’t know anything about who they’re married to, or who that person’s lawyer is, or anything.”
“Well, I know this: when they talk to me, they’re living in a situation that’s become unbearable, a situation they know very well. And it’s bad enough that they’re talking to me about an Unknown–the divorce–that they’d rather deal with. I actually did once ask a client who was complaining about how long it was taking and how much it was costing whether he’d like to dismiss the action and stay married. He looked at me like I had two heads. ‘Not on the longest day you live,’ he said.”
So the goal was not an issue. By the way, that was before I began doing Collaborative cases. But my point is that the divorce itself will end some day, and probably in less than a year. And after it’s over, that person will go on with their life.
Most of the time, the people who come to me know that I do mostly Collaborative cases, where the couples have to agree on what happens before anything can happen, and where the goal is to agree on all the terms of the divorce. So they each have to give their spouse a reason to agree to what they’re seeking. More importantly, they have many opportunities over the weeks of that case to refine the conversation, discover what’s at the heart of their goals, and explore different ways of satisfying their spouse’s interests.
The upshot is that by the time they do reach all their agreements, they have talked everything through–usually multiple times–and they have a set of agreements they can live with. And things going forward are going to be all right! They can take some reassurance in that because their discussions were all based on their actual situation, not what they wish their situation was. They’ve spoken with their lawyers and they understand what the courts can do and what they won’t do.
In the Decree, under “real estate,” the court simply can’t award to the spouse who had an affair “the hottest corner of Hell.” For one thing, there’s no legal description. But if their husband or wife insists that this is the only appropriate residence for them, post-decree, I know that person will never succeed in a Collaborative case. I also know that person won’t “succeed” in court, either. And, finally, I know that person could care less if things turn out “all right,” because their highest priority is to give back the pain they feel to the person who, they believe, caused it. They almost certainly will get more help from a therapist than a lawyer.
But for the potential client who is most interested in ending their marriage, attending to their affairs, and starting a new life, history teaches us, time and again, that, really, it will be all right.
At least, that’s what my clients tell me.
I am often asked to give presentations on the financial issues in divorce. I always cover what I refer to as the two financial pillars of any divorce dividing property including debts and cash flow and support. Without fail someone in attendance always asks where, do I begin? I do not know where to start. This question is asked not from a financial viewpoint but from an overall perspective of where to begin.
My response is virtually the same every time. The most important decision you have to make is the decision to end the marriage. Some take months or even years to make this decision. It is not an easy one.
If the decision is made to divorce, then the next most important decision is how to do it. What process options are available and which might be best suited for me, my spouse, and if children are present. Again not an easy decision, especially since these types of decisions are often made during times of high emotions including hurt, pain, and even anger. This is not necessarily the best frame of mind for making such life changing decisions.
Having experienced divorce after a 30-year marriage and in my professional experience as a financial neutral, financial mediator, and supporting individual clients and their attorneys, the answer where to begin may be somewhere not so obvious, a divorce coach trained in collaborative divorce. I say this not because you will end up or be steered to a collaborative divorce, but rather that a divorce coach can help you and your spouse navigate the emotions and challenges during any divorce process and beyond.
A collaboratively trained divorce coach can help explain process options in a manner to help you no matter what process you may choose. A neutral divorce coach can also help recommend other divorce professionals including a child specialist, financial specialist, and attorneys who can work together with you and your spouse in any divorce process. In addition, a divorce coach can help save you time, money, and heartache by guiding you and helping you manage emotions throughout the process.
How do I find a collaboratively trained divorce coach? Click here to find coaches throughout the MSP metro area. By clicking on their name, you can read their profiles. Many, if not all of them, will provide a free initial consultation allowing you to ask questions, evaluate each individual and make informed decisions best suited to you and your family. Divorce coaches are one of the best resources available to anyone considering divorce and wondering “where do I begin.” 
Collaborative law requires experienced professionals and clients willing to work together to find resolutions for their family law matters. It is a unique, non-adversarial process that provides an alternative to a traditional, litigation. It is a respectful process that depends upon four main tenants.
Divorce is a crisis in the life of a family. It is not actually a legal crisis, though it requires this expertise to ensure that legal resolutions are reached regarding financial matters. It is not a theoretical crisis. It is a genuine emotional crisis. What does this mean for children?
Some years after I began my therapy practice with children and families decades ago, a researcher named Judith Wallerstein published the results of her longitudinal study on the negative impact of divorce on children. The data were a wake-up call, shocking to some, sobering to all. Mental health experts responded by saying parents and social institutions needed to be more attentive to the impact of divorce on children. A book was written advocating bird nesting—parents rather than children transitioning to and from the homestead—as an alternative “custody” arrangement for families (an option we now know to be a temporary rather than permanent solution). Questions began to be raised on the impact of parenting time arrangements that essentially minimized otherwise healthy and loving relationships between parents and children.
At the time Wallerstein’s study was published, the options available for divorcing parents were largely adversarial in nature. The focus was “rights based,” not based on supporting co-parenting and keeping children out of the middle of the crisis. Many of the parents with whom I work attest to the emotional trauma they experienced when their own parents divorced. In fact, it is likely these divorcing parents were assured by their attorneys that “children are resilient—your kids will be fine.” But we know that children do not become resilient in a vacuum. They need adults to create environments of support and attention to their needs.
Collaborative team divorce offers a clear and powerful alternative for parents who love their children and want to envision a hopeful future for them. Families work with a multidisciplinary team of professionals with specific skills and experience. Mental health expertise is woven throughout the process, both to specifically support children and to provide parents with the best possible grounding for effective co-parenting. If you want to know more about how your family can weather the emotional crisis of divorce with the most dignity and respect for the needs of your children, please learn more about Collaborative team practice at this link to the website for the 