Divorce is a painful process. Often both spouses are disappointed with the marriage. One or both may feel betrayed. The time when spouses decide to divorce is the time when they likely feel at their lowest – about one another and perhaps about themselves. And yet, this is the time spouses are called upon to make decisions that will affect them and their children for the rest of their lives.
A natural instinct in this circumstance is for self-preservation. One thinks of oneself and one’s own needs – something by the way which is vitally important to do. You want to continue parenting your children effectively, be able to live the lifestyle you became accustomed to, and have long term financial security. It is common at such a time to fear that if your spouse’s needs are met, your own needs suffer. And so one fights – fight in hopes that this in turn will enable one’s own needs to be met and prevail.
But this is where one can go wrong. Listening to your spouse, really listening and simply acknowledging his or her needs is powerful. Recall the last time you felt heard, and how that affected you. By hearing your spouse, you increase the opportunity for your spouse to hear you. Solutions to issues emerge in such an environment which could not surface when one is in fighting mode.
Do not sacrifice your goals and interests. Instead, clearly and deeply identify them, and at the same time listen deeply to those expressed by your spouse. You will open doors to solutions that were previously closed.
The Collaborative Law process fosters such an approach for divorcing spouses. I encourage you to consider learning more about the Collaborative process if you are contemplating divorce.
Compromise is a necessary part of life. Differences inevitably arise in our personal and work lives. Resolution of these differences generally takes place through negotiation. The goal of negotiation is to reach an understanding, which means compromise.
Is Calvin right? How would you describe a good compromise? Does it leave everybody mad? Is a compromise that leaves anybody mad really a good one? I don’t thinks so.
Generally speaking, there are two recognized methods of negotiation:
Is Calvin right? How would you describe a good compromise? Does it leave everybody mad? Is a compromise that leaves anybody mad really a good one? I don’t thinks so.
Generally speaking, there are two recognized methods of negotiation:
- Distributive bargaining, also known as “win-lose,” “zero-sum,” and “divide-the-pie” negotiation, assumes that resources are fixed and that future relationship between the parties is unimportant. Everyday examples include buying a house or car.
- Integrative bargaining, also known as “win-win,” “interest-based,” and “expand-the-pie” negotiation, can lead to better outcomes when issues are complex and the parties value their future relationship.
How do you say good-bye to someone who is still there? A person who has been an integral part of your daily life, shared your adventures and your routine is now gone… and not gone.
Last week I attended a conference by Pauline Boss on Ambiguous Loss. She reminded me that divorce is an example of loss that is indefinite and messy. Signing the final decree ends the divorce process and defines your new legal status. You are divorced now but the person is still there; at events, through friends, extended family, work connections, and/or, of course, children.
We don’t like ambiguity. We prefer control and certainty. We seek a beginning and an end. We crave closure.
In the divorce process it is helpful to find the certainties where possible, and thank goodness there are some. People move into separate homes, disentangle finances, start to plan their own schedules and make independent decisions.
I think it is more difficult to prepare for the many uncertainties; how will you communicate, when will you see each other – intentionally or unintentionally, how do you cope with feeling relieved one minute and anxious the next? It is essential to take time and make space for the emotional challenge of saying a complicated good-bye to someone who is still there.
Remember, in reality we handle ambiguity every day, we just don’t think about it; traffic, weather, other people’s reactions, unexpected phone calls. We survive this by processing what we can and can’t control. When life feels too uncertain do something concrete, something you can control; read a book, do a puzzle, clean the kitchen, talk to a friend.
In the difficult process of divorce recognize that this good-bye is conditional and complicated. Allow time to grieve, to feel confused, and to adjust. Look for opportunities to set personal goals, celebrate independence, affirm inner strengths, spend time with people who are supportive, do things you enjoy and, above all, take good care of yourself.
Almost every potential client I meet with wants to minimize the negative effects of divorce on the children. So many couples want to consciously have a healthy co-parenting relationship. And as parents, we know our kids better than anyone and should be able to make decisions about what our children need.
Over my years of practicing family law, I have also learned that children benefit from having a voice in the process and an opportunity to feel heard. And they need a safe place to talk about what they are struggling with during the divorce. Not surprisingly, kids do not want to tell mom or dad things they think will hurt their feelings yet, they can feel torn, even with the best of intentions by both parents. What we know is that kids have undivided loyalty to both parents. They can say very conflicting things to each parent (if the parents compared notes between them) yet, it was their truth each time they said it. They are afraid sometimes to speak about what they need, because they don’t want to “make waves” or cause sadness.
When I went through my divorce, my former spouse and I worked with a Neutral Child Specialist in the Collaborative process. After meeting with the specialist and talking about our kids’ temperaments, developmental needs, sibling dynamics and our concerns, the specialist met with our kids once together and then individually. We then had a feedback session that provided us with some great insights by and about our kids that we used to create our parenting plan. We learned what we were doing well, where our kids were struggling, what they worried about and how we could better help them. We knew some things already, but also learned a lot while hearing things framed in a positive and constructive manner from the neutral.
Then, about a year and a half later, my son (then almost 10) asked when he could go back and talk to that woman who helped us with our divorce. Rather than pressing him about what prompted the request, his dad and I set up an appointment with him to check in with the Neutral Child Specialist. Low and behold, he was feeling a lot of stress each week because there were too many transitions between houses. We thought that our kids needed to see us each regularly but learned that the number of transitions was really hard on him. So when we met together with the specialist, we created a new plan that kept us regularly involved in the kids’ lives, but decreased the number of transitions from 7 to 4 every two weeks. Our son was worried that one of us would think that he didn’t like spending time with us if the time changed and that he was choosing one parent over the other despite having a great relationship with each of us.
We were so glad that he had someone he felt safe with in voicing what wasn’t working for him and he could ask for help. It was so much easier for him to talk to a neutral person, rather than worrying about how we might take what he was saying wrong. It was so helpful to hear from the specialist and have a safe place for us to problem solve. This is how the collaborative process helps keep children in the center, but not in the middle.
I had a familiar conversation recently, this time on the golf course. As with life, golf is both precise and random: precise because there are exactly 18 holes to play, and random because a golfer never quite knows how the ball will fly from time to time nor with whom the starter will pair you up to play. We were paired with two great golfers who both happened to be named Sean.
Sean #1 asked what I did for a living. I gave him my elevator speech about being a Neutral Child Specialist in Collaborative Team Practice and he said, “Wow, that sounds awesome…..it must be really hard work.” My response is always that sometimes it’s hard work, but mostly it’s very rewarding to help families make the difficult transition from married to unmarried with less acrimony and stress for kids. Sean got a faraway look in his eyes and said, “I can sure see that.”
What he was seeing in his mind’s eye, I can only imagine. But often I will hear from young adults with whom I share my work that they wished Collaborative Team Practice had been available to their family when their parents were getting divorced. I have yet to meet anyone who said, “Well, I for one am very grateful that my parents’ divorce was highly acrimonious and adversarial because it was so character-building for me.”
We can’t pretend that ending a marriage will be a pain-free proposition, especially if there are children involved. Divorce is a life crisis for all family members. Collaborative Team Practice is designed to help keep the crisis of divorce from ever becoming a trauma for a child, because there is a profound difference how each impacts the child’s resilience and sense of hope.
If you are a golfer, here’s another way to think about it. Collaborative Team Practice is both precise and random: precise because there is a structured, supportive format for the process and random because of unique family circumstances and unpredictable challenges that arise from time to time. But the pairing of a family with a Collaborative team has great potential value. Collaborative Team Practice helps parents keep their eye on the ball and the ball on the fairway, away from hazards and deep rough where it could easily get lost.
I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his You will see him on TV, any given Sunday Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money She went to the doctor got lipo with ya money
When parents are willing to step outside the courtroom to solve the issue of supporting their children, they can create custom solutions that minimize fighting. In the collaborative divorce process, we ask our families to put together budgets and we separate the children’s expenses. What are the actual expenses for your children? Things such as summer camps, sports, tutoring, clothing, cell phones,and driving lessons. Once parents have a clear picture of what the expenses are, they can talk about how to pay for these expenses. One creative solution many of our clients adopt is an account for the children’s expenses. The parents designate a joint account, decide how to fund the account and how to handle payments from the account. So when Susie is at mom’s house and says she needs to bring a check for school lunches, mom can write a check from the joint account. When dad takes Billy shopping for new soccer cleats, he can pay with a debit card from the joint account. The parents can talk about the actual expenses and revise their budget as the needs of their children change. And no one is taking child support to get plastic surgery like in Kanye’s song.
Several years back, I was working on a case with another collaborative attorney and our clients were arguing about a parenting issue. My client was trying to tell her soon-to-be former spouse how he should spend his time with their daughter. Rather than being reactive and pushing back on my client, the other attorney pulled out a piece of paper and drew a rectangle and started talking about them sharing a back yard as a couple and that when they were together, they had a common vision or idea (not always void of conflict, mind you) about how they raised their daughter and spent their resources. They let certain people enter their common back yard, decided how they would care for the back yard and how they wanted it to look.
Then The other attorney took her pen and drew a line down the middle of the back yard and talked about how the back yard is now owned half by my client and half by her client. And what was once a shared space is no longer shared, although they share a common fence. They can look over the common fence and talk about things that are important to them about their common values and goals, but they each no longer had the same authority to decide what happened in the other’s yard or who the other let into that space. She very gently and tactfully said that what we were talking about with regard to the daughter and how time was spent in the other person’s back yard, is no longer my client’s back yard to tend to. And then she mentioned something that her client no longer had the right to tend to in my client’s back yard. The couple paused and you could see the light bulb go on in their heads. It was a great metaphor for what happens during a divorce.
In a Collaborative Divorce, the team of professionals help the couple define their own back yards and identify what boundaries, ordinances, and communications are appropriate and necessary for their shared vision of parenting and a healthy divorce. This can be a very difficult transition for many people. And working with a divorce coach or neutral child specialist helps couples redefine their boundaries and expectations around parenting, communication and their newly defined relationship; all of which are part of creating a parenting plan/relationship plan. Each couple has to learn what they continue to have a say over and what they no longer have a say over with their soon-to-be former spouse.
During the next two meetings with this couple, they each commented on several occasions when they recognized they were entering the other’s back yard, and then stepped back and simply stated their concern or idea, but left it at that rather than forcing an issue. It was a non-charged term they could use going forward as co-parents. They learned where their common fence stood. After all, good fences make good neighbors, right?
I would not wish divorce on any married couple. It is a painful process and results in permanent loss. But I also do not like to see people suffer through unhappy marriages. Naturally, the best solution is to seek to improve the marriage so that both husband and wife can be happy. However, there are times when that is simply not possible. And for those people, their best option may be a “Happy Divorce”.
I realize that “Happy Divorce” is a misnomer. No divorce is truly “Happy”. However, in my thirty years of working with divorcing families, I have known many people who are much happier after the divorce than they were in the marriage. I have also known hundreds of couples who treat each other with more respect after the divorce than they did during the marriage. The ability to get through a divorce in a respectful manner can be an achievement of immeasurable worth; particularly if there are children of the marriage. No child wants to live in an unhappy home or, worse yet, two unhappy homes.
In our culture, we have come to expect that divorce will bring out the worst in people. But I have also seen couples who, although they are facing one of the most difficult times of their lives; have found a way to bring their best selves forward, often for the sake of their children.
Divorce is an end; but it is also a beginning. Many couples even greet divorce as an opportunity to improve their life skills. In some occasions, these couples, when faced with divorce, find ways to communicate more effectively; work to improve their parenting skills through a neutral parenting specialists; and even find ways to better their financial capacities through the help of a neutral financial expert. While there are many ways to achieve these goals, one method that is rapidly growing in popularity is called Collaborative Divorce, where couples work with a team of professionals (lawyers, mental health professionals and financial experts) to help them improve their lives after divorce in significant measurable ways. To learn more about this option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com. 
In my Collaborative Divorce practice, I frequently talk to clients about identifying their “interests” in the divorce. This is a difficult concept to understand, but is the key to reaching a resolution in a divorce that meets the needs of all family members.
“Interests” are in contrast to “positions” in the divorce. An interest is the motivation or value behind a particular position. An interest is frequently inspirational and may be far broader than a position. A position is a particular outcome. The difference between an interest and a position is frequently illustrated by the following story.
Two children were arguing over who would have the last orange in the kitchen. They each took the “position” that the orange should be theirs. Their argument included angry cries of “You had the last orange!” or “I was here first.” Unable to resolve the dispute without resorting to blows, they brought the issue to their mother. The obvious solution is for Mom to slice the orange in half and give each child one-half of the orange. Seems like a good outcome, doesn’t it? But at this suggestion the children were even unhappier. So, instead, she asked each child what he or she wanted to do with the orange. The first child replied, “I want to bake a cake. I need the zest of the orange to add to the batter.” The second child said, “I want to make orange juice.” He needed the juice and the pulp of the orange. Obviously, by understanding the underlying interests of each child, it was determined that both children could get what they wanted—the rind for a cake and the juice for orange juice.
In collaborative divorce, this is called a win-win outcome. Win-win outcomes are possible when interests are identified and the interests of all parties are met.
T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone
Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce. His discovery could save you something just as valuable.
When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different. Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce, a process he claims saved him “ several millions”.
In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.”
In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas.
If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose) millions. However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable. Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.” For most families who face divorce, this is the more crucial issue. Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court.
I have represented hundreds of families through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families . Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless.
To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.