There are few things that distinguish a new phase in life more than changing one’s name. However, one has to do a thorough job of informing the “world” of this change – such as identity providers, business relationships, friends and family.
Identity providers – they make it official.
An obvious place to start, they include the following:
- Driver’s license: go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles office, fill out the appropriate form and submit it with the required documents
- Passport: go to travel.state.gov, fill out Form DS-5504 if your passport is less than one year old or DS-82 if older than one year, and submit it with the required documents
- Social Security Card: go to socialsecurity.gov, fill out form SS-5 and submit it with the required documents
- Voters Registration: re-register at www.sos.state.mn.us
- Veteran’s Affairs: call the DMDC Support Office at 800-538-9552 to update your DEERS information
Certified Divorce Decree
Essential to changing your name on the identity documents listed above, is providing a “certified” divorce decree or other legal name change document. To obtain a certified divorce decree, request one by letter or in person, from the records center at the court where your divorce was filed. You will need:
- Names listed in the decree
- File number
- Courthouse location
- County of the court
- Fee per Copy (typically about $16)
If your divorce was filed in Minnesota, you can find information on where to request a certified divorce decree at
www.mncourts.gov. It is recommended that you order several. Most identity providers will require a certified copy, and often don’t return them. Keep in mind that removing the staple voids your certified copy!
Business Relationships
Business relationships are also essential. Think about every business, medical or financial professional and financial institution with whom you interact and start making a list. Then, add on utilities, shopping websites, magazines and other publications, as well as charitable organizations. The sooner you start, the more likely your lights will stay on, your checks will be honored and your will get the packages you ordered.
IRS
The IRS verifies the names and social security numbers on every tax return with the Social Security database. If you file your tax return before changing your name with the Social Security Administration, use your former name. Any mismatch will result in your return either being rejected immediately or the IRS sending a letter requesting clarification, which will delay any refund you may be due until you reply.
Friends and Family
Your friends and family are the easiest to inform in the internet age; just send out a mass email. Remember to change your social media profiles too. Better yet find a way to celebrate this change! Make an event of it and all your friends and acquaintances are more likely to remember that you have moved on to a new phase in your life.
I teach a cash flow planning course throughout the metro area. One of the ways I begin, is by asking everyone to tell me the first word that comes to mind when they hear the word budget? Often it is a negative type of word like restricting, confining, or boring. When I ask a similar question about cash flow, common responses are future and choice. The chart below illustrates some of those differences.
Money is one of those issues often cited as a reason for divorce. I would offer that money itself does not cause divorce. How spouses handle money differently and an inability to recognize their different money personalities and learn effective ways to work through those differences can lead to divorce or at least cause significant strain in a marriage.
Establishing reasonable and necessary future living expenses post-divorce is one of the two pillars of any divorce process. Both spouses will need to establish their own living expenses independently of one another. If money was a source of conflict in the marriage, imagine the conflict that exists during the divorce process. The reality is the money conflict can and often does escalate in divorce. In my work as a financial neutral, financial mediator, and financial planner, I work with you and your spouse to help you focus on your future.
One approach to creating a future oriented cash flow plan for your post-divorce life is to add up all of your expenses necessary for your basic living needs. This would include things like housing, food, clothing, and medical care to name a few. If you are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, this would be the lower level (safety and security) in the hierarchy. Keep in mind that at this basic level food does not include dining out. Clothing does not include upscale designer clothing. Items in this safety and security level are for basic needs.
After taking care of basic needs you can then address expenses that you have total control and choice over such as dining out, entertainment, cash spending money, gifts, personal care, etc.
Finally, you may want to consider future goals and needs like retirement, creating an emergency savings plan, a different automobile, or an education.
Think of separating these expenses into three different categories. I ask my clients to visualize these as three distinct buckets. The buckets are one for basic needs, two control and choices, and three future needs and wants. It is important to recognize that during and after the divorce, you may need to at least temporarily forgo some if not all of the future needs and wants, and substantially minimize the control and choice buckets due to the initial financial strain of divorce.
It is equally important to recognize this time-period does not necessarily last forever. Incomes can and do increase over time and some expenses such as child-care reduce and ultimately disappear at some point.
A well-developed future oriented cash flow plan can give you the peace of mind to know you will be financially secure. It can give you the opportunity to choose what is important to you about money, prioritize your goals, and create a solid model and roadmap for your life ahead. A financial neutral in collaborative divorce process will help you create this type of plan.
A short three-minute video on the history of cash flow and money management is available by clicking here.
I sat in on a seminar recently with a room full of moms. Moms of babies, moms of toddlers, moms with children just starting elementary school. The topic was about learning to fall in love with your husband again, and the speaker was a woman in her 70’s. The dialog was mainly, “Do this to keep your husband happy, do that to keep your husband happy…” I think many were wondering why they got up early on a Tuesday morning to listen to old-fashion marriage advice. However, in between the eye rolls of many overtired moms, I caught the true message of the speech – don’t forget about your marriage, the kids are wonderful, but if you make them your whole world, they leave the nest, and the marriage is over.
I had not really thought about empty nest syndrome in this sense. I had mainly thought about the kids going off to college and the parents are alone in a big empty house, they are a little lonely, maybe start a new hobby, and life goes on. Only life doesn’t go on, at least not in that sense. Divorce after decades, the graying divorce, divorce after 50, whatever you may call it, is becoming more and more common. Decades of putting the kids first, likely putting the career second, and well, the marriage must have fallen down on the priority list.
When children are babies and toddlers they require about every last bit of energy you have; once they start school it’s homework, sports, and juggling schedules. Making it all too easy for the better part of 20+ years for your marriage to be entirely kid-centric. The graying divorce gives new meaning to staying together for the kids. The couple in many of these marriages might not have even seen it coming. Years of enjoying the children together – family vacations, neighborhood outings, cheering the kids on together from the sidelines, only to wake up one day and realize they no longer have anything in common, the kids were all they had in common.
A half-century ago, only 2.8 percent of Americans older than 50 were divorced. In 2011, according to the Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, 15.4 percent were divorced and another 2.1 percent were separated. Was it that divorce was more taboo 50 years ago, or maybe because people are living longer these days? A healthy 60 year old might look at it in terms of having 20+ years left; 20+ years that they are choosing to be happy, and ditching the unhappy marriage. Baby boomers are setting record high divorce numbers.
If you found yourself amongst this new era of divorce, the good news is you are in good company! There are support groups nationwide that are catering specifically to the increase in baby boomers and their graying divorces. Seek out divorcees going through a similar situation and create a support system. Most importantly, keep on living – enjoying yourself, pursue your interests, take on a new hobby, travel, and make the most of your new-found free time! 
Collaborative law requires experienced professionals and clients willing to work together to find resolutions for their family law matters. It is a unique, non-adversarial process that provides an alternative to a traditional, litigation. It is a respectful process that depends upon four main tenants.