Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events. In fact, research shows that ending a marriage is second only to the death of a spouse as a predictor of illness. So in order to stay healthy, it makes sense to incorporate stress-reduction techniques early and often throughout the process. Here are three suggestions:
- Find an emotional outlet. It is common to focus on the loss you feel at the end of a relationship. While you may be tempted to suppress these unpleasant feelings, doing so will prevent you from moving past them. Make an effort to confront your negative emotions by talking them out with supportive friends or a therapist. It is normal to want to isolate yourself, but relationships are important. The end of your marriage does not mean that you must go through life alone. Putting your thoughts and fears on paper can also help you articulate your feelings and gain some clarity about your past, present and future.
- Practice self-care. Stressful times require that you become more intentional about taking care of yourself. Eating nourishing, nutrient-rich foods will give your body the fuel it needs to maintain your energy levels. Regular exercise can lower your stress levels and provide a healthy distraction from your worries. Treating yourself to something you love, such as a round of golf or massage, can alleviate stress. Creating space for relaxation is essential also, whether it’s reading a good book, doing yoga or mediation, or taking a nap. Self-care is essential to the healing process.
- Feel gratitude. A breakup is painful and can make it difficult to look past your immediate feelings of pain and loss. Taking the time at the beginning and end of each day to recognize the many gifts you have been given can increase your sense of well-being. Try pausing at various times during the day to remind yourself, “I am grateful.” Some people find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal. Consciously choosing to be grateful on a regular basis can brighten your outlook on life.
Recently I received a LinkedIn endorsement from Christa, a client I represented in 2008 in her collaborative divorce. In thanking her for her endorsement, I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing. With her permission, her response is reproduced below. At the time of her divorce, Christa’s two (2) daughters were 16 and 17, and Christa only worked part-time.
Hello Tonda,
How nice to hear from you! Life has been good on my end. I’ve move forward professionally and personally–continued to work in psychiatric research, first part-time and then, for the past 4 years full-time. In addition, I’ve been building my private counseling practice, which led to 60+ work hours per week. The practice is going well enough that I was able to resign my salaried position effective this November. It’s not easy leaving a place that feels like a curious and lovable community, but for the sake of living a full life, choices needed to be made.
In October 2008, a mutual friend introduced me to a man who is now my husband. He was married before and has 2 children–his son is the same age as my oldest daughter (23), and his daughter is 15. We were married February last year (2013) on Key West. Almost my entire family came over to be there for us–including some nieces and nephews. It was lovely.
Two weeks later, my former husband got married as well to a woman he had been dating since our separation.
The girls are doing very well. My oldest daughter will be graduating this coming spring with a major in education and mathematics. My youngest daughter will graduate next December, and then plans to get her MA degree in child psychology. After struggling with grades and transitions the first year, they have both become straight-A students.
My youngest daughter said something interesting the other day while we were driving. She said, “Mom, I can’t even imagine you and dad being together anymore; it’s not like I don’t remember, but you guys are so different, and all my friends can’t even believe the two of you were ever married. I mean, how did you make it work for so long?”
Today, both my daughters see the benefit of their parents having divorced and moved on. My former husband seems happy, has a good relationship with his daughters and brought a great woman into his life. I’m happy as well, and likewise have a wonderful connection with my daughters. Both daughters are relieved they don’t have to worry about either one of us, and both of them like our choice of new partners.
Everyone is well and happy. I’m very grateful for the part you played in giving me the information and support I needed to take the step toward divorce that had frightened me so much. Not once did I regret this transition. I appreciate the divorce process was not hostile. You were calm, wise and nurturing when I was in the grips of anxiety. Sure, there were hurt feelings and it’s very stressful going through this process. However, it left two people free to move forward and build a meaningful life. It also freed our children from the worry they had for parents who just could not be happy together.
So: thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
All the best,
Christa
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin recently announced their breakup as “consciousuncoupling”, they created quite a buzz. Comments both positive and negative streamed forth into the media. While many applauded the honesty and civility of the couple’s joint post, others were more critical, wondering, for example, whether conscious uncoupling is simply “breaking up for vegans.”
As a family law attorney focused on helping families in transition, I was impressed by the couple’s joint statement. Acknowledging that they “are and always will be a family” and that they “are parents first and foremost” reveals an elevated level of consciousness. By making the public aware of a kinder, more generous approach to divorce, my hope is that this celebrity couple is raising the awareness of others considering divorce.
While I understand that conscious uncoupling can refer to a variety of processes, the core principles include acceptance of mutual responsibility for the past and discussion of shared goals for the future. Divorce presents an opportunity for each partner to gain insight into his or her own patterns of behavior and how those patterns impacted the relationship.
The Collaborative divorce process encourages conscious uncoupling. A neutral coach can help couples honor their feelings of grief and anger and develop a relationship plan for the future. Creating an honorable ending to one relationship improves the outlook for future relationships. If the family has children, they, too, will benefit from their parents’ healing and improved communication.
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin made the recent announcement that they were 
consciously uncoupling, they clearly touched a public nerve. There was immediate sniping from people who seem to prefer celebrity gossip leavened with spite and public histrionics. Critics derided the process Paltrow and Martin are choosing and questioned their motives, and more than one “expert” opined that divorce could not occur without acrimony and anger. I beg to differ.
How cynical has the public discourse become when people would criticize a process of divorce that mindfully strives to create emotional safety for children? What’s to be gained by scoffing at the notion of creating an effective co-parenting relationship? Why is there an automatic assumption that hurt and sadness–even betrayal–must trigger fury and contempt, and that divorce is of necessity an adversarial process?
consciously uncoupling, they clearly touched a public nerve. There was immediate sniping from people who seem to prefer celebrity gossip leavened with spite and public histrionics. Critics derided the process Paltrow and Martin are choosing and questioned their motives, and more than one “expert” opined that divorce could not occur without acrimony and anger. I beg to differ.
How cynical has the public discourse become when people would criticize a process of divorce that mindfully strives to create emotional safety for children? What’s to be gained by scoffing at the notion of creating an effective co-parenting relationship? Why is there an automatic assumption that hurt and sadness–even betrayal–must trigger fury and contempt, and that divorce is of necessity an adversarial process?
As a Neutral Child Specialist, I respect the calm and dignified way Paltrow and Martin have begun this sad journey, which, because of their professions, will need to be done in the public eye. Understanding that language is powerful, I applaud the term conscious uncoupling, which, like getting unmarried, does not carry the emotional baggage of the word divorce. I was especially impressed when Paltrow and Martin referenced the wish to co-parent and to continue to be a family for the sake of their children
A divorce process that puts the needs of children at the center is much healthier, not only for children but also for their parents. It is true that effective co-parenting leads to a much higher quality of life for all family members. These goals are embodied in the work of the Collaborative Team Practice community. Collaborative Team Practice may not be chosen by those who don’t believe that parenting during and after a divorce requires mindfulness, a certain amount of self-sacrifice and hard work to keep children at the center and out of the middle. However, it is an excellent process for parents who want to reduce the impact of a painful change on their children’s future.
Recent articles in the New York Times and the StarTribune (March 29, 2014) covered Gwyneth Paltrow’s announcement that she and her husband of 11 years, Chris Martin, were consciously uncoupling. In other words, getting a divorce. I was struck by how the term “conscious uncoupling”—coined by LA therapist and author, Katherine Woodward Thomas—neatly describes what happens in the out-of-court divorce process called Collaborative Law aka Collaborative Practice. Collaborative Practice uses a collaborative approach to respectfully honor the marriage that is ending and intentionally plan for the best possible future for all family members. What is accomplished by many couples in Collaborative Practice is what the term “conscious uncoupling” implies: mutual respect, integrity, being mindful of the well-being of children, planning for the future by problem-solving in the present, being empowered to make informed decisions, and creating a climate for healing.
A new era is upon us, one where ending a relationship does not have to be adversarial, judgmental, or harmful. If it takes a celebrity to lead us into this new era, I am all for it. Gwyneth, you go girl!
One Bridge to Peace provides specific, concrete tools that will allow one willing, caring parent to relate peacefully with even the most bitter and contentious co-parent. This workshop specifically debunks the notion that it takes two willing adults to create an environment of peace and safety for children whose family is in conflict. While the methodology and practical tips seem simple, they are not easy and in fact are highly counter-emotional.
One Bridge to Peace simply requires one willing adult–one caring adult who is willing to put aside anger, resentment and pride–to create a peaceful and safe life for the children in their lives. One Bridge to Peace requires one parent to accept and adhere to a philosophy, a set of principles, and specific behaviors that will eventually disarm and re-engage even the most bitter and contentious parent.
We have found that the One Bridge to Peace model can be used to reduce conflict in every situation–marriage, work, community, neighborhoods, as well as divorced or divorcing families. Conflict tears away at the very fabric of our lives. Attend a One Bridge to Peace workshop and start building one bridge to peace in your own life and the lives of the children you care about deeply.
It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday. This year I’m thinking about the many couples who have lost that loving feeling. Ads everywhere for jewelry, flowers and chocolates must serve as painful reminders of the exciting, early stages of their relationship. Whether still married, in the process of divorce, or recovering from divorce, Valentine’s Day can have special significance.
I read an interesting, well-written Huffington Post item recently that pointed out that divorce attorneys see an increase in inquiries during January and February. With the holidays behind them, New Year’s resolutions often include ending an unsatisfying marriage. Another article reports that divorce filings rise by as much as 40 percent immediately following Valentine’s Day. When a final attempt to rekindle the relationship on the most romantic day of the year fails, beginning the dissolution process often follows.
For those who are already separated, divorcing or divorced, the question becomes how to survive Valentine’s Day. Possible activities include doing something special for someone else, taking care of yourself by doing something that makes you feel good, or focusing on your children. Also keep in mind that, for most, it gets easier with time.
Watching the Winter Olympics, a commercial captured my attention. The ad included footage of Olympic athletes who fell while competing, thus failing to reach a goal for which they had trained intensely and prepared for years. Although elite athletes know there is no assurance of winning, their hearts can still break when their hopes and dreams are shattered after a fall before reaching the finish line.
As you see in the commercial, the story didn’t end with failure. Each of the fallen athletes was shown years later, returning to give a winning performance. The theme of the ad was “there is always a second chance.” Though not every heartbreaking fall comes with a replay button, we know that life is a constant process of loss and renewal.
Those of us in the Collaborative divorce community are deeply attuned to the emotional event of a divorce. It is usually heartbreaking for all family members—the divorcing couple, their children and their extended families. It can certainly feel like a painful fall before the finish line of a marriage is reached. Hopes and dreams can feel shattered. We never want the story to end there.
Collaborative Team Practice is designed to help guide families making their transition through a painful time of loss with safety, respect, dignity and hope for the future. The Collaborative Team is comprised of professionals from many areas of practice:
Collaborative attorneys are skilled at listening deeply, helping clients set goals and engage in problem solving meetings that are non-adversarial in nature. Neutral Coaches work with clients to bring their best selves to problem solving meetings, and create a relationship plan with them if their future includes co-parenting their children. Neutral Financial Professionals generate creative options to help both clients come through their divorce on the best possible financial footing. Neutral Child Specialists meet with all family members, are supportive advocates for children in the family, and help parents create developmentally attuned parenting plans.Like a skilled sports team, each member of a Collaborative Team understands his or her unique role in the interplay of helping clients reach their goals while feeling understood and supported in the process of getting unmarried. We believe in the process and promise of renewal after loss.
I’m sharing this post with my readers because of the simple message of opportunity it carries for anyone facing divorce. If you know of someone about to face divorce, you would be doing him or her a great favor by sharing this article. You will help educate, inform, and provide the opportunity for choice and hope not only for the person you know, but also for their entire family.
This post is reprinted here with permission of Pauline Tesler, a Collaborative colleague who hails from California. Pauline is the co-founder and first president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, frequent lecturer, and trainer.
Divorce as Temporary “Diminished Capacity”
You don’t need to be a lawyer or a psychologist to know that going through a divorce is one of life’s roughest passages. It can cause a myriad of emotional responses that can at times feel overwhelming and limit your ability to think clearly or make good choices. Unfortunately, this occurs at the very time you are called upon to make some of the most important decisions of your life.
For many people, the ending of a marriage is a time of temporary “diminished capacity.” By diminished capacity, we mean a period during which the person you thought you were on your best days—competent, thoughtful, considerate, reasonable, fair-minded, resilient—disappears for days or weeks at a time. The person you generally know yourself to be gets replaced temporarily by an unfamiliar and frightening self who can hardly summon up enough energy to get out of bed, wallows in fear, confusion or anger, or jumps to hasty conclusions in order to end the conflicting impulses about what to do and how to behave.
Recovering from the shock of a failed marriage involves moving through that initial period of diminished capacity, until gradually, more and more of the time, your pre-divorce “best-self” is back at the helm. Most people can expect to feel something like their old, pre-divorce selves in eighteen to twenty-four months from the time of the divorce decree, though it happens more quickly for some and more slowly for many. During that recovery period, it is quite common for people to veer suddenly and dramatically from day to day, or even hour to hour, between optimism and darkest pessimism, between cooperative good humor and frightening rage.
You may be experiencing such intense emotions as you come to terms with the possible—or actual—ending of your marriage. Most people do, at least some of the time. Keeping the focus on best intentions and good decision making in light of that reality is what collaborative divorce is all about.
Thinking clearly about what kind of divorce you want and how you’ll get there may be an unfamiliar concept to you. Most people are surprised to learn that the choices made right at the start of the divorce process have great impact on what kind of a divorce experience they will have. Even when people do understand the high stakes of those early choices, thinking clearly and making intelligent choices at that time can be very challenging, because divorce is an emotional wild ride like no other. Even very reasonable and civilized people can find unexpected, hard-to-manage emotions popping up at the most inconvenient times, particularly during the early months of a separation and divorce—exactly the time when you will be making decisions that determine what kind of divorce you are likely to get, and how your divorce will affect the rest of your life.
When you choose collaborative divorce, a team of professional helpers from the fields of law, psychology, and finance will provide coordinated support and guidance to help you and your partner slow down, reflect, focus on values, aspire to high goals, make good choices, work together constructively while avoiding court, plan for the future, and reach deep resolution. In our experience, this kind of coordinated professional help isn’t available anywhere else but in collaborative divorce. If you choose it, you and your spouse can count on professional advice and counsel that will:
- encourage both of you to remember your goal: the best divorce the two of you are capable of achieving
- educate and remind you about the divorce grief and recovery process so that you can choose to operate from your hopes rather than your fears
- help you focus on the future rather than the past, and on your deepest personal values and goals for the future rather than what the local judge is permitted to order
- make it possible for your financial advice to come from a financial expert, and your parenting advice to come from a child specialist, so that your lawyer is freed to do what lawyers do best: help you reach well-considered resolution
- keep you and your spouse focused on how your children are really doing, and how the two of you can help them move through the divorce with the least possible pain and “collateral damage”
- teach both of you new understanding and skills that will help you be more effective co-parents after the divorce than you may be capable of right now as your marriage ends
- make sure you and your spouse have all the information you’ll need to make wise decisions—not just information about the law, but also about finance, child development, grief and recovery, family systems, negotiating techniques, and anything else that will help you devise creative lasting solutions
- emphasize consensus and real resolution, not horse-trading and quick fixes
- help you maintain maximum privacy, creativity, and self-determination in your divorce.