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July 10, 2017

In parts 1 and 2, we defined vortex as: 1) a whirling mass of water or air that sucks everything near it towards its center; 2) a place or situation regarded as drawing into its center all that it surrounds, and hence, being inescapable or destructible. As discussed in previous months, the “divortex” can be avoided by choosing the Collaborative Process. Prior articles describe what Collaboration is – it is a process that avoids court and may use a team of experts to help clients create the best settlement option possible.

The professionals on a team are, generally speaking, the two attorneys, a neutral financial professional, a neutral child specialist, and a neutral divorce coach. Although the inclusion of financial and mental health professionals in the divorce process is nothing new, the manner in which they are used in the Collaborative process is unique. The attorneys’ roles are different in Collaboration, as well. While each spouse retains his or her own attorney, the attorneys work together to help the clients achieve an outcome that works for the entire family. The attorneys give legal advice to their individual clients, but more importantly, they help their clients realize what their interests and goals are. The objective of Collaboration is to get to a place where everyone is OK (a win-win) rather than a win-lose. The attorneys are trained in the Collaborative model and interest-based negotiation. A financial neutral helps the divorcing couple with property division and cash flow. Financial neutrals are financial experts and are CPAs, CDFAs, and CFSs who are trained in the Collaborative process and who understand the legal process. A child specialist is a neutral who helps the couple with creating a comprehensive and viable parenting plan. The child specialist is a therapist who is also trained in the Collaborative process. The child specialist is the voice of the children and not only helps the children during the divorce process, but helps parents help their children during this transition. A divorce coach is also a therapist and a neutral in this process. The coach’s role is to the help the couple communicate better. It is important for each spouse to have a voice in this process and the coach can help with that. In high conflict cases, a coach helps the process move along more smoothly. Although it seems like there are a lot of professionals involved in Collaboration, every professional has a specific role. In a non-collaborative case, the attorneys are acting as financial advisor, child specialist, and coach. And while attorneys can help with those pieces of the case, attorneys are not experts in those areas. In the Collaborative process, you get the best advice from the various professionals who are trained to help you reach a settlement. Consequently, a Collaborative team CAN help you avoid the divortex!

June 26, 2017

Throughout your life, and particularly through your separation or divorce, there may have been times when, even if you have an amazing support system, you realized that there is truly only one person that you can count on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, YOU. It’s vital to build a good support system, especially in a time of crisis when you need love, but it’s also important to love yourself and be someone that YOU want to be around. Who will be there in the middle of the night when you are feeling lonely – YOU. Who will be there in the car when you are driving to work and have an emotional breakdown – YOU. Self-love isn’t always just about having high self-esteem, it’s about paying attention to your

own needs and taking the time to fulfill them. It’s about being a person that YOU would want to befriend. Rarely do we consider ourselves as a valued companion, but the hard truth is that we are the only person we can truly count on every second of every day. This time of year is especially easy to feel deflated, so how do you fill your own tank up when you feel like you are completely “running on E”? Ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Then assess what you could do to make yourself feel better. Maybe you are simply stressed and need a stress reliever like more sleep, less screen time, fitness, or a massage. Maybe you feel that you just need a break, and scheduling a vacation would do the trick? If you don’t have the time or money to travel, then finding a new hobby can often provide a mental “get-away.” If your answer is that you are simply feeling down, try this for an instant mood boost – spreading kindness or help to others. Start small – send a thank you note in to school with your child for their teacher, take a plate of cookies to an elderly neighbor, pay for the coffee of the person in line behind you, call a grandparent just to say hello, and when a friend or family member tells you about a difficult task they are working on – show up to help. These small acts of kindness will have instant BIG results on your heart and the way you feel about yourself. Choose to focus on one small act a week or a day. These can take little time and no money, but can have a huge impact on being the friend (to yourself) that you would like to be. After all, if you love yourself, you will worry less about the idea of getting other people to love you.

June 5, 2017

There was a recent article in the Los Angeles Times addressing the growing rate of divorce in later years of marriage. The article summarizes statistics showing this is a large segment of the divorcing population. And it continues to increase.

The article outlines a number of potential reasons for this growing phenomenon:

As people live longer, there is more years after the children leave the home and retirement to enjoy life. People find themselves less likely to be complacent and stay in an unhappy relationship that could last for 20 or more years.
As the retiring generation has found more financial success, there are more resources available in later years allowing individuals to feel more comfortable living independently. They also have more resources to enjoy their lives.
Empty nest is a time when parents focus no longer points towards the children and it may coincide with having lost connection with the spouse. So many years of dedication to the children can lead to less time to focus on the marriage. Once the children leave, there may no longer be a functional marriage.
Parents feel that adult children may cope better with divorce as they have their own lives and means.
Societal comfort and acceptance of divorce has made it more tangible for older adults.

The article outlines the reasons why divorce is happening in the older generation. How they divorce, however, is not discussed. My collaborative practice has also seen an increase in gray divorce clients. By choosing an efficient, non-adversarial process, clients can preserve their resources and proceed in an amicable manner. Outcomes are often more easily reached when clients commit to a collaborative process. To learn more about divorce processes regardless of your age, contact me.

May 15, 2017

I once heard that parenting books are one of the largest segments in non-fiction

publishing. Everyone apparently thinks they have tips and ideas to help others parent. As a collaborative divorce attorney, clients often seek guidance and support in co-parenting during and after the divorce. No book ever fits the bill. While traditional books may offer some guidance, co-parenting after divorce is a unique situation. Not only do children sometimes have challenges as the result of the divorce, parents too are transitioning into a new reality. In collaborative divorce, we often work with a family specialist or child specialist to help families transition from one home, into two. This neutral party can assist in many aspects of parenting, including the following:

Coach parents on telling the children about divorce.
Bring the children’s voice to the process by hearing their concerns and hopes and communicating them to the parents.
Communication coaching.
Developing a parenting plan and schedule for parenting in two homes.
How to maintain relationships with extended family.
Consulting after divorce as new things arise.
Periodic check-ins on parenting and child development.
Any other parenting challenge that arises during or after the divorce.

The child specialist or family neutral is a uniquely qualified individual who can build the strongest family possible. They can support the children while still helping parents establish routines and a healthy co-parenting relationship. This work is some of the hardest during a divorce, but often the most rewarding. To learn more about collaborative divorce, please contact Kimberly Miller.

May 8, 2017

Remember hearing that as a child? I do. I said it. I believed it. And then I didn’t. Names DO hurt, even if they aren’t “really bad, mean names.” They can burn a memory into your brain that can haunt you. My son, who is six, is one of the younger children in his 1^st grade class. Next to his 2^nd grade soccer buddies, he’s a bit vertically challenged, although he’s considered “average” in height. Nonetheless, when he came home in tears the other day because an older child called him “shorty,” he undoubtedly felt the sting of name-calling. Welcome to the real world, my sweet, darling son! We have all experienced it, to some extent, and it stinks.

Rather than utter that renowned phrase to my son, my collaboratively-trained lawyer brain went into “better-get-more-information” mode. The conversation went like this: Me: How did that make you feel when he said that? Son: Sad. Me: Mmmmm….I can see that… Son: And angry… Me: Definitely! (Pause). So, what happened next? Son: (without missing a beat) I grabbed the ball out of his hands, dribbled it down the court, and made a basket. Me: (Stunned!) Wow! That is AMAZING! (Beaming with pride…that’s my boy!) So, my son “shows up” this kid by making a basket, yet he was still upset (hours?) later and recalls the name-calling rather than his awesome basket?! This certainly illustrates words have a HUGE impact on others, whether we realize it or not. It doesn’t have to be name-calling, either. It can be just the language we use and the way we say it. The tone in our voice can turn an otherwise innocuous comment into a heated argument. So…STOP. Take a DEEP breath (and maybe throw a stick at some THING). THINK before you speak, and CHOOSE your words carefully. Then go shoot some hoops.

May 1, 2017

This is the second of our two part blog series on unsupportive families during divorce. The first dealt with the challenges of when family is having a difficult time letting an ex go, which can be read here. Here we discuss a second type of unsupportive family, when family may not be supportive to your grief if the ex-spouse was never well liked anyhow or if the marriage was difficult in terms of fighting or abuse.

If you are grieving from a divorce after a tumultuous marriage, it may be difficult for family and friends to understand your grief. Comments of “you are better off” or “we never liked them anyway” are frequently heard, and the lack of support can complicate the healing process. Normally we rely on our friends and family as a key support system through divorce, they listen, share stories, and provide support in so many ways, however, when friends and family choose to bash the ex, the pain and grief over the marriage doesn’t feel validated. It’s makes a person feel like they shouldn’t be hurting, it has them questioning their feelings, and quite often like they need to hide their feelings from their loved ones. It can be challenging for people on the outside to understand how highly conflicted relationships can be difficult to move on from. It’s hard for them to get past the “you’re better off” stage, when in fact the divorcee is likely not only grieving the loss of their marriage, but grieving what could have been, wishing things would have been different, or perhaps regretting particular conflicts. It is important not to let unsupportive family or friends invalidate feelings of anguish after divorce. Perhaps they do not fully understand your relationship, or haven’t stopped to consider that you are still heartbroken regardless of the circumstances of the marriage. You may need to confront an unsupportive family member or friend to remind them that their lack of support, however it is intentioned, is not helping you to heal. Be open to them about the type of support that you do need. Recognize that different people may support you in different ways. Your best friend may be an excellent listener and a good shoulder to cry on, while your sister is better suited to help you get your finances or belongings in order. It’s important to remember this about people in order to have realistic expectations. If you are having a particularly down day, call someone who will support your feelings, not someone who thinks this is an opportunity to commence the ex-bashing. Keep an open mind though, the best support may come from someone you’d least expect. Finally, realize that friends and family simply cannot offer all of the support that you may need. Counseling and divorce support groups are excellent resources. In a group setting you will find others experiencing similar feelings and yours may be validated. Together you can cope, heal, and grow from your divorce. There’s a quote from an unnamed father that reads, “One of the hardest things you will ever do, my dear, is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.” We tend to agree.

April 24, 2017

Families can be particular unsupportive in one of two ways – the first when they truly care for your spouse and are having a difficult time letting them go as part of their family, and second they may not be supportive to your grief if the ex-spouse was never well liked anyhow or if the marriage was difficult in terms of fighting or abuse. We will showcase these two extremes in a two part blog series.

We’ve all heard the family jokes about taking so-and-so instead of their own son/daughter/sister/brother/etc. if they ever were to divorce, but what happens when that becomes a reality? Nearly 50% of marriages today don’t last, so the odds are good when saying those I do’s and harvesting the relationships that comes with them, that at some point down the road you will be saying goodbye to half of that marriage. Maybe you grew up in a family where divorce was taboo, with parents who believe that for better or for worse you don’t leave a marriage, and now you are struggling with family supporting your decision and suddenly you are the outcast. Perhaps your dad is losing his best fishing buddy and is finding it difficult to understand why your marriage didn’t work out. Sit down with him and explain that while your ex may be a great person, that doesn’t make you great people together. Set boundaries. Be clear with both your ex, as well as your family, what your relationship expectations are. Maybe you and your family are comfortable with the modern blended family concept, or perhaps if you do not have children with your ex, it may be best to sever all ties to family sooner rather than later. Think – bringing your new boyfriend to your family Thanksgiving with your ex sitting at the same table, elbows deep in mash potatoes. If you have children together, the lines blur and it’s not as black and white as that. Other factors like living in a small town, and the length of the relationship, can make things more complicated, so it’s important to not only communicate your expectations, but for them to be realistic as well. Did you marry your brother’s childhood best friend? – then it’s probably not realistic to expect them to stop talking, in fact if that is your expectation it will likely harm your relationship with your brother. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for YOU. Yes, a marriage affects more than just the two people in it, but you need to put your best interests first, not those of how your family will handle your divorce. Also, remember to, “Love your whole story, even if it hasn’t been the perfect fairy tale.”-Melanie Moushigian Koulours.

January 20, 2017

When divorcing, whether one spouse stays in the family home is often a pivotal decision. For most, there are several considerations that go into deciding whether to sell or stay. The tax impact of selling the marital home is unlikely to be at the top of that list, but with home values on the rise, it is worth understanding. The current tax rules are quite favorable to people realizing a gain on the sale of their home. The IRS allows each taxpayer to avoid paying capital gains tax on the first $250,000 of capital gain on the sale of one’s residence. That means that a taxpayer filing “single” could exempt the first $250,000. A couple filing “married filing jointly” can avoid paying taxes on $500,000 in gains. The capital gains tax on a $250,000 gain can range from $0 to about $75,000 so it is worth it for divorcing couple to make sure they cover this in their divorce arrangements. To qualify for the exemption, the IRS requires that the home meet the principal residence test, which is based on ownership, use and timing. For ownership, you need to have lived in the home for at least 2 years, (24 full months) in the 5 years before the sale. These 24 months do not need to be continuous. The use criteria require that the home be your principal residence for those 24 months. This can be an issue if one spouse was employed in another city, where they kept a second residence. One spouse meets the use test, but the other does not. Finally, the timing criteria requires that you have not excluded the gain on the sale of another home in the past 2 years. Tax law gives divorcing couples some leeway in these criteria. Transfer of home ownership between divorcing spouses is not considered to be a taxable event by the IRS. If ownership is not transferred during the divorce, detailing the home ownership arrangement in the divorce decree is key to minimizing taxes when selling the home later. An ex-spouse that continues to be an owner of the home but does not live there, can still use the exclusion if there is written documentation in the decree that lays out this arrangement. Dealing with home decisions during the divorce can be a complex. Be sure that in your home decision analysis, you are clear on your tax implications! And keep in mind that cabins, vacation homes and investment real estate generally will not meet the principal residence test, so they may have tax consequences when sold. For a comprehensive review of your personal situation, always consult with a tax or legal advisor. Neither Cetera Advisor Networks LLC nor any of its representatives may give legal or tax advice.

October 4, 2016

A collaborative law colleague recently wrote a lovely piece in the Boston Globe describing his reasons for leaving his litigation practice behind and representing clients only in alternative dispute resolution processes. His article resonated greatly with me. I too left behind a litigation practice to enter the world of peacemaking. While not an easy choice at the time, I look back six years later and realize that these years have been the most fulfilling of my career. I have not stepped foot in a courtroom in almost six years. I am thankful for many things in my current “out of court” career, but here are just a few:

I spend my days working with clients on resolutions that meet their big picture goals.
My conversations and negotiations are fruitful, honest and genuine. The teams I work with and clients who choose me are seeking this type of interest-based negotiation without gamesmanship or posturing.
My colleagues are professionals with passion and dedication to help people through transitions in their marriage – many are my friends, including attorneys who are on the “other side” representing my client’s spouse.
I can be creative in tailoring outcomes to meet my clients goals.
We can tailor my work to each client and what they need and want out of the process.
I am a peacemaker who is at peace.

Peacemaking professionals provide the best experience for clients. I share my own story as a practitioner in the hopes that potential clients will read this and get a sense of who I am. Knowing that, clients too may choose a path of peacefulness.

September 30, 2016

My family is going through Olympic withdrawal. Well, O.K., not really. But we watched the events we were interested in and rooted for Team U.S.A. Of course, Michael Phelps stole the show, and Ryan Lochte stole the…well, let’s not go there. At any rate, it was interesting. What continues to stick with me, though, is the catchy phrase in one of the commercials (I don’t remember which commercial) but it’s from Maya Angelou’s “Human Family” poem. As in the commercial, the poem ends with, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” This phrase is repeated twice in both the poem and the commercial. The rhythm is undeniable, and the words unforgettable. The truth is…we are. This made me think back to one of my sociology classes in college, and those human traits that are universal, regardless of the country, village, or tribe in which a person lives: a smile represents happiness; crying signals sadness; and we all need food, water, sunlight, and air to survive. As the poem goes, “In minor ways we differ; in major, we’re the same.” Certainly, in our families we are, to some extent, the same. So, when the “leaders” of a family decide to part ways, their differences should be relatively minor, right? Sadly, depending on the divorce process the couple uses, those minor differences could blow up and out of control. It doesn’t have to be that way. In the Collaborative divorce process, the goal is to find common ground and focus on the items the divorcing couple agrees on (the “alike” part). “Keep the children out of the middle.” Check. “Let the children attend the same school.” Check. “Make sure everyone’s needs are met.” Check. We focus on similarities, needs, and “alikeness”, and therefore interests, rather than differences and positions. We aren’t that different. At least we aren’t that different in major ways. Unique, we are. So, let’s not invent imaginary differences, which can create major conflict. That takes so much negative energy. Using a process that focuses on the positive, the “alikeness” of the two people ending the marriage is certainly more, well, human.