Judith Wallerstein, in her ground-breaking 25-year study of divorcing parents and their children, was perhaps the first social science researcher to notice it. The injury to self which can happen in divorce is much deeper than what people were thinking throughout the 1970s. It can happen on the deepest level of the human psyche.
What she noted is that the divorce for most of her study population was a challenge on three levels: 1) to the world-view her couples had always assumed (in a sense, a ‘crisis of faith’); 2) to who they thought they were as human beings (a ‘crisis of identity’), and 3) even to the deepest part of their psyche – the central brain which is connected to adequate sleep, appetite, situational awareness (avoiding traffic accidents) and the immune system. As she sometimes said, “It’s as if the body itself perceives the experience as an attack on its ability to survive”.
And so, it’s no wonder that couples sometimes ask themselves as they start down the path of divorce: “How much is this going to change my life? Who will I be on the other side of this?”
Fear of the unknown can sometimes feel worse than dealing with the day to day frustrations of a dysfunctional relationship. At least the dysfunction is a known quantity – which can sometimes feel safer.
But it’s possible to reinforce the strongest sense of self coming out of a divorce process, especially one which is Collaborative and focused on the needs of the family system as a whole.
Here are three good ideas for making that happen:
- Self care. This may seem obvious, but even when life is going well it can be hard to achieve. Good exercise, good food, and good sleep need to be a special focus when going through a divorce process. No one wants to be at their worst or weakest in making decisions which can shape the rest of their lives, or their children’s lives.
- Re-engaging with your values. The personal strength that comes from self respect is drawn from the integrity of acting consistently with your deepest values. It brings confidence and clear thought. It may be as simple as reconnecting with a good faith community in your area. It may mean finding a good therapist whose listening ear helps you to feel stronger and not weaker – someone who helps you to hear your own voice clearly. It can also mean reconnecting with caring friends and family members who help you to feel stronger and more confident (not more fearful!). Take the time to think about making this happen for yourself.
- Vision planning. This is so difficult to do when we are stuck in a “fear place”. But the truth is, if you can’t imagine a new and better future for yourself, who is going to do it for you? It’s important to give yourself time to carve out some moments here and there where you give yourself permission to dream. Ask yourself: Where have I been before that made this easier? Who was I with at the time? What was I listening to?
So much good comes from finding self-respect. Honoring your entire life – physical, mental, spiritual – it’s a critical piece of putting your feet forward, every step of the way.
Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com
With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.
She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.
After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.
