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Divorce brings up many feelings, including feeling helpless. Sometimes you feel like your life is spinning out of your own control and you are left helpless. There is a quote by Aung San Suu Kyi that reads, “When you feel helpless, help someone.” So what does that mean? We have all experienced times in our life where we feel like the world is against and nothing is going right, divorce being one of them. The easiest way to get out of feeling this way: if you are feeling helpless, help someone. It helps us realize that we are all in this together, and we all have real life problems. In fact, it often helps us realize our problems are not nearly as big as someone else’s are. This is not to say that your problems are not important, but we are all fighting our own battles and you never know what the next person is battling. Not sure where to start? Strapped for time and/or cash? Whether it’s finding a cause that you are passionate about and seeing where you can best share your time and talents, or simply random acts of kindness, no gesture is too small. See if there is a committee at church where you can lend a helping hand, register for a 5K which supports a cause that you care about, ask an elderly neighbor what they could use a hand with over the weekend, etc. If you have children, of any age, but especially teenagers (good grief!), chances are they too are feeling like their lives are suddenly beyond their control, as they likely are. Help them find something they can control, because when you feel helpless, helping someone else is very empowering. Check into age appropriate volunteer opportunities at a local shelter to serve meals to the homeless, packing meals for children overseas, collecting coats and blankets and dropping them off for the homeless; the opportunities to help people are endless. Teaching your child that giving back to others will not only empower them in an otherwise helpless situation, but also helping others becomes a life lesson they will remember for years to come. As Ghandi stated, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Start with yourself and then with your children.
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172244707-daddys-comfort-series-gettyimagesHaving recently become a grandparent for the first time, I am pondering the future with renewed urgency that my granddaughter’s legacy be one of hope and abundance. As she grows, there is no way to prevent the pain of grief and loss, the challenge of change or the regret of unfulfilled expectations, as major and minor crises are a normal part of our complicated human lives. But I want her to always know she is safe and loved, especially by her parents, as these are the building blocks of her resilience. Almost always, children experience divorce or breakup as a crisis, a challenging change, a loss. However, as I tell the parents with whom I work, it is possible to keep this crisis from ever becoming a trauma. It is possible to separate or get unmarried in such a way that your children will continue to feel safe and loved by both parents. Selecting a process that enables a divorcing couple to make the transition to effective co-parenting is an investment in their children’s future. As with other important investments, there is a need to balance potential gain with possible risk. In terms of impact on children, an adversarial divorce has minimum gain and maximum risk. A shorthand equation may be, the greater the court involvement, the greater the risk. In contrast, a process that focuses on respectful problem solving, and eliminates the need for court involvement, such as mediation or Collaborative Practice, has lower risk and potential maximum gain for children. Choosing the right professionals to guide you through the best process for your family can pay huge dividends in your children’s future.
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I have practiced law for almost 15 years. As a collaborative divorce attorney and mental health professional, I fundamentally believe my non-adversarial approach is better for children. The outcomes protect children’s best interests and provides them the best opportunity to thrive in a future, bi-nuclear family. Research confirms this notion, but not until recently was my personal belief proven in my practice. For the first time in my career, I had a potential client come into my office who was referred to me by her 12 year old son. This woman and her husband had decided to divorce and before starting the legal process told the children. They sat down their 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter and told them that mom and dad had decided to get divorced. Amongst the various reactions, their son asked “could you get divorced in the way Tommy’s parents divorced?” Their son said of all his friends with divorced parents (as expected, there are many) he noticed that there was something different about Tommy’s parents and the way they divorced. They were different, he told his parents, and that was what he wanted. At their son’s request, the parents reached out to Tommy’s parents to learn more. Tommy’s parents had had a collaborative divorce. Despite great challenges emotionally and financially, Tommy’s parents had put their greatest interests ahead of individual gain and brought their best selves to the divorce process. The outcomes reached were unique and tailored to provide the very best for everyone in Tommy’s family. Tommy probably didn’t know his parents “did divorce” differently. Tommy just experienced what he experienced…but his friend noticed. I represented Tommy’s dad in his collaborative divorce and I am so grateful that kids notice how well Tommy is doing. This experience is a reassuring and lovely example of the far-reaching benefit of collaborative law. It shows that children really do notice and, more importantly, the community at large can see how children of divorce can thrive … If the divorce is done well. Kids notice.
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sb10066847c-001A core value of Collaborative Team Practice is keeping children at the center and out of the middle. But what does this mean? Why this is distinction important? It is because divorcing parents are writing the life story their children will tell. Mindfully keeping children at the center helps focus decision-making during and after a divorce on the best interests of the children. It encourages parents and the professionals assisting them to consider children’s developmental needs and temperaments to create customized parenting time schedules, relationship plans and financial plans. Bringing children’s voices into the process means the perspectives of all family members are honored. Parents who keep children at the center are doing the important work of becoming effective co-parents and communicators. Their children do not experience parents arguing or criticizing each other. They do not have to worry about taking sides or being disloyal to one parent by continuing to love the other. Children at the center are given empathy, support and patience as they grieve the loss of their familiar family structure, but are also reminded that though parents are unmarried, the family is still a family.  Children at the center can have hope for the future, with rewarding relationships with both parents strengthening their resilience. What is the experience of children in the middle? Unfortunately, these children are regularly exposed to their parents’ active conflict. They may frequently hear parents badmouthing each other or calling each other names. Children in the middle have often been told adult-level details about their parents’ marriage and their divorce. They may be actively encouraged by one or both parents to blame or take sides against the other parent. Parents who are not focusing on their children’s needs may be more likely to become emotionally disconnected from them or even to move away. Children in the middle are children in distress. Children at the center are given support to feel emotionally safe. They do not have to grow up with the anxiety of worrying about whether both parents can be invited to the same life event without creating undue stress and conflict. In contrast, children in the middle often experience the crisis of a divorce as a trauma, and the negative impact reverberates throughout their lives. Children in the middle have a much more difficult time with trust and fear of abandonment as adults. Collaborative Team Practice offers potential sources of emotional support to all family members during and after a divorce.  Neutral child specialists offer a child-inclusive process to help parents create and implement developmentally responsive parenting plans. Neutral coaches help parents create a relational plan to support their co-parenting and manage current and future conflicts. Both the parenting plan and the relationship plan are designed to keep children at the center, and have their life stories about the divorce  end peacefully.
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136006968-writing-letters-gettyimagesIn the past few months, I have seen a number of people in my social network share this letter. It is a wonderfully written letter from an ex-Wife to her husband’s new girlfriend. Instead of the expected angry, hurtful, stay-away-from-my-children many people would have expected, the letter is filled with caring love for another human being and a potential influencer in her children’s lives. It is welcoming and tries to explain many of the nuances of the new family structures that arise out of divorce. Indeed, they take all shapes and sizes. This letter has been shared tens of thousands of times, because to the general public, it is unique. It is not what they expect to emerge out of divorce – it is not what society seems to expect of couples deciding to end a marriage. Truthfully, however, I see this kind of result all the time. As a collaborative divorce specialist, I loved this letter. It brought tears to my eyes as a real example of kindness and compassion in action. It is what I strive for every day when I work with families transitioning through divorce. We ground the collaborative process in mutual shared goals. If there are kids involved, both parents always want outcomes that protect the children. Regardless of what behavior, emotions or acts have led parents to a divorce, I know parents want to maintain strong relationships with their children and want their children to thrive in a post-divorce world. Many parents would even acknowledge the important role the other parent plays in raising the children. These goals are not unique – I see them all the time. And, when parents commit to an out of court, non-adversarial process, like collaborative law, the professionals in the process are as committed to these goals as the clients. I believe this letter demonstrates how important a positive co-parenting relationship is for children of divorce. That relationship lasts the rest of your life – figure out how to make it work. You do not need to be friends or call each other to talk about your day at work, but a respectful communication style to discuss your children will hugely benefit everyone. Having a strategy to embrace and face the changes that come after divorce is important as well. Statistically, both parents are likely to start new relationships – address these changes with healthy communication or seek outside support to learn how. Collaborative law is a divorce option that addresses many of the long-lasting implications of divorce and attempts to prepare families to move into a post-divorce life that allows everyone to thrive.
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155134777-sunrise-bursts-through-dense-fog-and-trees-gettyimagesPeace is possible though we are surrounded by conflict.  In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.”  Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons.  This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale.  And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.

The end of a marriage has some similarities to the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences.  Is it possible to disconnect without civil war?  Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle.  Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and well-being of children.

I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility.   In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace.  We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:

1.     I will be impeccable with my word.

2.     I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.

3.     I will make no assumptions.

4.     I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.

In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved.  Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting in the future.  And the world your children will inhabit is in the future.  Let it be a peaceful one.

     
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During my childhood, a common folk saying was, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Clearly this adage predated the internet age. Children can be hurt by words, and need our protection. Probably most people you know send texts and are connected to a social media network.  Texting and social media are easily accessible and help people feel connected. The average American adult user of social media is plugged in 3.2 hours per day, sharing and receiving information online. Parents and their children often belong to the same social media networks. The impression that text exchanges and social networks are private and personal is problematic. Although there are privacy settings that can restrict sharing to specific online friends, people don’t always use them, nor are online posters always careful to self-filter and think twice about what they share. Even when messages are taken down, what goes up on the internet really never goes away. What does this have to do with protecting children during a divorce?  Here are a few cautionary tales:
  • A woman who was very hurt and feeling betrayed by her husband posted on Facebook in very colorful language about what a jerk he was, including vivid, angry descriptions of his undesirable qualities. Even though privacy settings were used to limit the posts to her close friends, the Facebook page was up on her opened laptop and read by her son when he arrived home from school, causing him considerable distress.
  • A daughter asked to use her dad’s phone and discovered romantic texts he had exchanged with a girlfriend. The shocked daughter shared this information with her mother, and then felt responsible for their subsequent divorce.
  • A few months after her parents’ divorce, a child discovered that her mother’s status on her Facebook homepage had been changed to “In a relationship.” This was upsetting to the child, who was still adjusting to the reality if the divorce.
During a divorce, it is easy for parents to become distracted. These scenarios illustrate how children can be unintentionally hurt by parents’ use of social media and texting. On behalf of keeping children safe and out of the middle, I strongly encourage parents to be careful and mindful with their online and texting behavior, especially during a divorce.    
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184849475The beginning of a new school year is all about the juxtaposition of continuity and change.  We all remember the mix of excitement, anxiety, hope and worry that accompany this time of transition for children.  Parents want their kids to settle in safely and achieve success, while kids count on their parents’ support. For many children, the changes marking the new school year are not only teacher, grade, classroom and classmates, but changes in their families because of divorce.  Here are seven tips for co-parents to support their children in this situation:
  1. Let your child know that you have contacted trusted adults at school (teacher, social worker, principal) to let them know about the family change, and have done so in a calm and respectful way.  Tell your child it is important that trusted adults at school know because they care about your child and will be available to offer empathy and support as needed.  Reassure your child that family information will be kept confidential by these trusted adults, and it is your child’s choice about whether and when to share information with classmates.
  2. Explore possible school-based resources for children whose parents are divorced.  Many schools offer specialized support groups as well as individual counseling resources for kids.
  3. Participate in beginning of school activities with your child as fully as possible.  Express interest, encouragement and enthusiasm for this important part of your child’s life.
  4. Establish routines that will support your child in homework completion, having family meals and getting to bed on time. Be sure to share information with your co-parent regarding school projects and homework assignments that will need to be worked on in both homes so your child experiences continuity of support.
  5. If your child participates in sports or other extracurricular activities and depends on parent involvement, be sure to arrange transportation and other logistics in advance so your child doesn’t worry.  If there are multiple children in a family, this often requires co-parent cooperation.
  6. Establish a joint online family calendar for scheduling child-centered events.  This is an effective way for co-parents to remain in the loop regarding activities for their children.
  7. If your children are experiencing transitions between homes as part of your parenting plan, be aware that they will benefit from your patience and empathy in this process.  Help them get organized, and be supportive rather than critical if they forget something at the other parent’s home.  It’s a big learning curve for kids.
A positive and responsive school experience can be an anchor for your child, especially in the midst of family change.  I hope this can be the case for every child this year.
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174496060It is not uncommon for parents to disagree on school choice. Sometimes parents have differing opinions on the curriculum of a school or certain teachers or even location or class schedule. When children are at natural school moves (such as entering junior high or high school), additional changes need to be made. When parents are divorced, these decisions can often be even more difficult. In addition to deciding what’s best for the children, emotions and challenging communication can make the decisions even harder. Sometimes it is good to look at the practical and logical considerations to help make these joint decisions. Here are some specific considerations in a school decision:
  • If it is not a natural school change point, how well do the children deal with change? Do they make friends easily? Do they know anyone at the potential new school? Are there specific elements of the new school that would be particularly enjoyable for the child (such as an orchestra or specific extra curricular activity)?
  • How well does the new school deal with change? Do they have programs in place to integrate transfer students into school? Is there anyone who has transferred into the school recently that you or the children could talk to in order to prepare? Could the school assign your children mentors or buddies to help them feel more comfortable if they transfer?
  • How would a school change impact parenting time? Will both parents still have meaningful time with the children?
  • Should the children have some say in this decision? Junior high and high school students may want to visit potential schools and provide some input on the change.
Ideally, divorced parents with joint custody can work together and make a school choice together. If it becomes difficult or starts to cause any stress or strain on the children, consider seeking third party support. A neutral child specialist or collaborative process could help you work together on a decision.
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179557103One of the most valuable outcomes of Collaborative Team Practice for many families is how respectfully the process helps prepare parents for effective co-parenting.  Lee Eddison, a very experienced neutral coach in Collaborative Team Practice, aptly describes this as a transition from We (a married couple) to a different kind of We (co-parents).

In Collaborative Team Practice, the expertise to make this transition is available from two mental health professionals on the team, the neutral child specialist and the neutral coach.  The neutral child specialist offers a child-inclusive process to assist parents in the creation of a developmentally responsive Parenting Plan.  The Parenting Plan lays an important foundation for effective-co-parenting with detailed agreements about decision making; communication; parenting expectations, routines and guidelines; and parenting time.  This foundation is considerably strengthened when parents also create a Relationship Plan with their neutral coach.

The Relationship Plan is a set of clear and specific agreements about how parents can communicate effectively and resolve potential or actual conflicts in a productive manner once they have completed their divorce or separation and are on their own.  The Relationship Plan is not a list of cookie cutter recommendations or generic advice, but is specifically tailored to the unique needs and concerns of each family.  

Included in the Relationship Plan are agreements about necessary boundaries to define safe emotional, physical and communication space for co-parenting.The neutral coach helps parents be specific about what words and behaviors from a co-parent would feel respectful and supportive, what could easily trigger negative emotions, and what to do if negative emotions are triggered.  The Relationship Plan helps parents anticipate and prepare for a number of sensitive and potentially complicated interpersonal situations that frequently arise after a divorce or break up.Creating a Relationship Plan also provides an opportunity for parents to articulate and build on their own and their co-parent’s strengths.

In my experience as a neutral child specialist,  parents who invest the time and resources to create a Relationship Plan with their neutral coach have prepared themselves as fully as possible for their lifelong relationship as co-parents.  On behalf of their children, what could possibly be more valuable than that?