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482285789I recently attended a symposium about divorce entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” At first glance you might wonder whether we had anything to talk about. What do love and divorce have in common? Isn’t divorce the result of the loss of love? Sharing ideas with others interested in improving the divorce process reinforced my belief that love, forgiveness and compassion are the keys to divorcing well, and that divorce can indeed be a healing process. Divorce is an all-too-common event these days. We all have friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers who have experienced becoming unmarried. Some just barely survive and are stuck looking back at their divorce with regret and resentment. Years later they continue to bad-mouth their ex and blame their divorce for their ongoing unhappiness. Their inability to be present and available has long-term consequences for their children as well. Most of us also know people who not only survive, but thrive in their post-divorce lives. They are somehow able to accept the major changes in their day-to-day lives and move forward. By doing so, they are healthy role models for their children and fun to be around.  What accounts for these vastly different outcomes? Personality certainly has something to do with it. Some humans are blessed with more optimistic outlooks than others. Seeing the glass half full reduces anxiety about the future. Life circumstances also play a role. Good health, steady employment, and a healthy balance sheet contribute to feeling better about what lies ahead. However, several decades of experience tells me that one factor trumps everything else in terms of one’s ability to recover from divorce … the ability to forgive. Anger, bitterness, blame and resentment are feelings associated with the loss of a loving relationship. Grieving the loss is necessary in order to get on with life. Tara Brach, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, who was a symposium presenter, says, “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Rather than being lazy and stuck, working through one’s grief with a therapist, clergy person, or trusted friend can lead to understanding and forgiveness. Acknowledgment and forgiveness of one’s own contributions to the divorce are essential, as is forgiveness of the other person. In the Collaborative divorce process, our professional team includes a neutral coach and a child specialist, both of whom assist the parties in reaching closure with regard to their marriage and defining their future co-parenting relationship. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” -Fredrick Buechner
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175383921In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces”  I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases.  Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask.  First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate  all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse.   Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide.  Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce.” There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more:  www.collaborativelaw.org
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500048813Becoming friends with your ex? Or even friends with your ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend? Do these friendships sound impossible to attain? Perhaps there is something to be learned from the infamous Tiger and Elin Woods’ divorce. Elin recently went on vacation with Tiger, their two kids and Tiger’s current girlfriend, Olympic skier, Lindsey Vonn. The modern blended family – where friendships, and even vacationing together can happen successfully. If befriending seems like a long-shot for you, try to put bitterness and grudges aside when you consider that new boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses will be around your children, whether you like it or not. Co-parenting is not easy, and it will take time and effort to find the right grove in your new lives. Daisy Camp recently hosted a co-parenting workshop at the Collaborative Alliance, titled “One Bridge to Peace,” where co-parenting tools were provided that allow even one willing, caring parent, to relate peacefully with even the most bitter and contentious co-parent. Depending on how newly divorced you are, joining each other on vacations may seem like a long-shot, but remember, even introducing yourself and keeping the lines of communication open with you ex’s new companion can go a long way. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll find yourself vacationing in the Bahamas or at Disney with your ex!
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I seem to be going through a “mourner phase,” these days.  Last month, I attended four funerals.  This month, a couple.  Frequently, these events were labeled “a celebration of life.”  Sometimes they were; other times, not so much. It’s not unusual for children or close relatives to speak at these events, describing the bond between themselves and the deceased, and how it was created.  Often, the speaker can bring that person to life, figuratively speaking, with their words.  The last thing in the world we ever expect to hear is that Joe was a mean, abusive so-and-so; he denigrated his wife, beat his kids, and has as much chance of getting into Heaven as Osama bin Laden.  Admittedly, none of the services I attended included such a speaker.  Although . . . One of them included an out-of-town relative who was a member of the clergy.  His memories of the dead individual brought to mind a temperance revival meeting, and really turned into a rant about how this relative had saved the decedent’s soul at the last minute.  To many in attendance, and this was NOT an evangelical group, it appeared the funeral in those moments had ceased to be a celebration of the dead man’s life and had instead become all about the relative. As I struggled with how inappropriate the funeral hijacking felt, my deja vu detector went off.  It took me a while to realize why.  As a divorce lawyer, I get to help officiate at the death of a marriage.  In the best cases, when a couple sees the wisdom of planning their family’s future together, those divorces can include a large measure of honoring that marriage, even if it stops short of an outright celebration.  The relationship that brought the children into the world can be buttressed and supported going forward.  The good things can be retained.  The bad parts . . . well, the bad parts are why they’re in my conference room. And then there are those who, oblivious of the relational aspects of the marriage that died, just want to go on and on, like the prodigal clergyman, and make the divorce all about them.  Their “rights,” their money, their property, even “their” children.  Losing sight of the Big Picture is an uncomfortable thing to witness, whether it accompanies the death of a person, or the death of a marriage.  When couples keep that Big Picture in mind, they can create a fitting memorial to the marriage that used to be, and honor the family that still is.
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455422869Recently I received a referral from Kristin, a client I represented in 2011 in her collaborative divorce. In thanking her for the referral, I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing. With her permission, her response is reproduced below. At the time of her divorce, Kristin and her husband had two (2) children ages 10 and 12. Hi Tonda, Nice to hear from you. I will fill you in with some detail for examples of what can lay on the other side of divorce to help you give hope to your clients going through this painful process. Everyone is doing well here; the kids are doing really well splitting their time between our 2 households (4 miles apart). Tom and I have a much better relationship now than when we were getting divorced. We talk several times per week and text, usually daily, mostly regarding kids’ stuff like coordinating activities/homework and just general parenting issues. We also try to meet for coffee sometimes to discuss things more in depth like holidays and vacation planning and kids’ milestones. We see each other at their basketball games, tennis matches, orchestra concerts, etc, even holidays sometimes, and usually sit together with our new spouses. Tom and I both got re-married a couple of months ago and Tom and his wife are expecting a baby in March. I married a pharmacist that I met after the divorce and we got married in Yosemite in August of this year. The four of us get along well and the kids get along well with both our spouses so I have nothing but great things to say about the collaborative process. It really helped us to avoid a lot of un-pleasantries and keep our family together without staying married, which is really great. I hope all is well with you and your practice. I will continue to recommend people look into collaborative divorce as an option. It has been very helpful to us to use the divorce agreement as a structure, but we stay very flexible with rearranging schedules, holidays and vacations etc. We have actually never even had an argument since the divorce. It has helped us build a sense of cooperation and the collaborative process really reinforced putting the kids as the center point for all decisions going forward. One of the things that always stuck in my mind through the whole process was that Tom and I decided that even though we did not have a successful and healthy marriage, we would have a successful and healthy divorce and be successful and healthy parents. Best, Kristin
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172218935Because of our great medical facilities, people often say that Minnesota might be the best place in the world to get sick. What is less known is that Minnesota is rapidly becoming known as the best place for an ailing marriage too.  Indeed, just as people travel all over the world to come to the Mayo Clinic to heal their bodies, people from around the world occasionally travel to Minnesota to observe the ways that we heal conflict. Last month, two family law attorneys from Cape Town, South Africa, spent most of the month of May at the Collaborative Alliance in Edina,  observing many of our Collaborative divorce professionals so that they can improve the way family conflict is handled in their country.  Two weeks earlier, a family law attorney from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, visited the Collaborative Alliance space and asked if she could also send an observer from her country in the upcoming months. Indeed, we have hosted family law professionals from five different countries and nearly every state during the past six years. I realize that, if you have a healthy marriage, finding that Minnesota is a great place for a divorce may not be reason to jump up for joy.   No one wants to be in the position to need a divorce lawyer anymore than anyone wants to need a good oncologist.  But, if you are facing serious problems, it’s nice to know you can reach out and find some of the very best in the world. So, why is Minnesota an international leader in handling conflict?  Is it because of our superior laws, our better courts, better law schools are lawyers?   Well, in fact, while all of those things are very good in our state, the thing that is causing people to travel to Minnesota from afar is our innovation.  Divorce causes great pain around the world and nearly everyone is desperate to find a better way.  Minnesota is, among other things, the birthplace of Collaborative Law, a method of handling divorce that has spared tens of thousands of families.  To learn more about Collaborative Practice, go to www.collaborativelaw.org. As someone who has handled hundreds of Collaborative divorce (as well as hundreds of traditional divorces), I am not surprised that people from around the United States would want to learn about this better method.  However, I admit that I was a bit surprised to learn that about the great interest all around the world. I have had the opportunity to conduct workshops and trainings on Collaborative law throughout the world and I have observed great differences in their laws and in their cultural norms. What has surprised me is that, when it comes to basic issues, protecting children, reducing conflict, reducing costs we are all facing the same issue.  Collaborative Divorce is more effective, not because of something unique to Minnesotan or Americans, but because if makes divorce more human.  And that is a language that is understood all around the world.
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156062412People commonly worry about telling their spouse they want a divorce. It is obviously a difficult conversation to have.  Some people are scared of the outcome or don’t want to hurt someone they care about. Other people just don’t know what words to use. People may also worry that their spouse will pressure them into making a different decision. People choose to address this situation in different ways. The way this message is communicated can greatly impact how the process goes and even what the resolutions may be. Here are some things to keep in mind when telling your partner you want a divorce. 1. Divorce readiness may take time. It is not uncommon for two spouses to be at different points in readiness for divorce. One spouse may want the divorce to happen right away and the other may wish it never happens. Be patient with your partner and know, that you can have a divorce in Minnesota no matter (no fault state), but sometimes patience with where your spouse is at may lead to better outcomes in the end. 2. Know there are process options. People often think they need to be ready to proceed with a litigated divorce as soon as they tell their spouse. That is not always the case. Know there are different ways to move through the process and one in particular, collaborative divorce, allows for flexibility on timing. You can pace the process in a way that works for both of you without a court intervening. 3. Discernment counseling can help. Sometimes, once a couple begins to talk about divorce, they start to question whether or not it is the best option. Discernment counseling is a specialty therapy that helps couples where one or both are considering a divorce, or are ambivalent about the future of their relationship. 4. Empathy is often the hardest part. Undoubtedly, when divorce is on the table, things haven’t been going well. There are often hard feelings between the spouses and that is not likely to change just with initiating divorce. However, the ability for one person to consider things from the other’s shoes can go a long way in healing. Try to demonstrate some sort of empathy when you have this talk – say things like “I know this is hard” or “I could understand if you feel surprised/angry/scared.” This may help lower the conflict and help initiate the divorce process in a respectful way.
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182954950 This may sound like a joke . . . but it’s not. What do UPS trucks and collaborative divorce have in common? Both use innovation and creativity to solve standard problems in unique ways.   Almost all turns (90%) made by UPS truck drivers are right turns. According to the Washington Post, UPS drivers intentionally make three right turns, instead of one left. The company has found that left turns are inefficient due to waiting in traffic and there is more likelihood of accidents when crossing lanes of traffic. The company has saved money and lives by making three right turns for every left. UPS has used a unique (but relatively easy) solution to provide better outcomes. Collaborative divorce does the same thing for families. People divorce every day. Couples going through divorce have a choice, just like UPS drivers, to head straight into traffic or take a different path. In divorce, “turning left” and heading into traffic is often less efficient and potentially the more harmful route. Couples, however, can choose to head down a more unique and creative path – collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is an “outside of the box” option. Collaborative divorce solves the same problem as any other process – a divorce ultimately is a divorce regardless of how one gets there. But collaborative divorce is a different path. By engaging in interest-based negotiations, keeping goals at the center of the process, locking the courthouse doors, and working with trained professionals, couples can come up with unique and creative options that work for them. UPS has found a way to make the greater community safer and run its company more efficiently. Couples going through divorce can similarly influence our greater community. Innovation and creativity can lead to better outcomes for families.  Some particular areas often addressed in a collaborative divorce, include:
  • Unique child support or expense sharing arrangements based on historical costs/expenses
  • Tax consequences of support options and property division
  • Creative financing options for a second home (or two new homes)
  • Parenting plan that addresses communication about the children, introduction of significant others, in addition to parenting schedules
  • Tracing of non-marital property (pre-marriage ownership, inheritances, gifts, etc.)
  • Maximizing property for both spouses
With a collaborative divorce, you and your family can work innovatively and creatively to reach resolutions tailored to meet your needs.
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With so much at stake in a divorce, it is tempting to think about how to “win”.  Yet, the grim irony of divorce is that “winning” often leads to poor results.   I know that seems like a contradiction, but most divorce lawyers who, like me, have spoken with “winning” clients after a divorce, know that it is true.  Almost every “winning” client I have known during the past 30 years of divorce practice has expressed severe disappointment with their “winning” outcome.   The real “cost” of a litigated divorce (or even a divorce that settles on the courthouse steps) is so great financially, emotionally and, particularly for children, psychologically, that there truly are no winners. Does that mean that, when facing divorce, you should simply “give up” and let your spouse have whatever he or she wants?  Of course not.  Because there is so much that matters, you need to get the best possible outcome for you and your family.  So, how can you achieve that, without trying to “win” in the traditional sense?  By finding a smarter way to get your spouse “to yes”. Getting To Yes is the whole essence of divorce.  More than 95% of all divorces end in an agreement (and not a trial), so your divorce is likely to end in an agreement of some kind.  Therefore, the entire divorce process is one of seeking ways to get your spouse to say “yes” to the things that really matter. So, how do you get your spouse to eventually “say yes” to the things that are important to you?   It is tempting to think that you will get your spouse to “say yes” by hiring an aggressive lawyer to make bold arguments in your favor.  Tempting, maybe, but does that really work?  Is your spouse the kind of person who will respond to arguments by giving in?  Probably not.  On the other hand, if you are like the rest of the world, you will need to be much more strategic. The chances are quite good that the best way to get your spouse to say yes is to help them see that saying yes meets their interests.   This notion of ”interest based bargaining” is a way to truly “win” without having to make anyone lose.   This method of truly “winning” without creating losers is rapidly growing in popularity and is commonly used by Collaborative Divorce lawyers.  To find a Collaborative Divorce Lawyer in Minnesota who can explain this to you go to www.collabortivelaw.org.
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162527802In the list of life’s most stressful events, divorce is near the top of the list. Divorce can cause health concerns, sleeplessness, job performance problems, distraction, and short tempers. It can damage relationships with others and, obviously, can be very hard on children. People going through divorce often exert great energy trying to keep things together, while also trying to make decisions with long-lasting implications. It is important to find ways to lessen stress during divorce and keep calm. Here are four tips to managing stress during divorce:
  1. Find a professional team that makes you feel comfortable and you trust. A supportive team, starting with an attorney, will help you feel supported and more comfortable with the decisions you are making. Your attorney will be with you along the journey. Often your attorney will see you cry, get angry, and express fear. Other team members, like a financial neutral or child specialist, can also help you feel supported and help the process move forward in a positive manner. Your team should not cause you stress. Just the opposite – it should help you feel safe and lower anxiety.
  2. Focus on your own well-being. It is important to make sure you exercise self-care. Take care of yourself. Get sleep, exercise regularly, and reach out to friends for enjoyment and relaxation. The better you are personally, the better outcomes you will find in the divorce process.
  3. Be mindful of your future. Not knowing what the future holds can be stressful. Learn all that you can during this process about your future so you can alleviate this concern. Make sure you grasp the financial implications and parenting decisions being made. Ask lots of questions and keep your long-term goals in mind. The more you know, the more comfortable you will be moving forward.
  4. Consider a collaborative divorce. A litigation process – leaving decisions up to a third party – is inherently stressful. The adversarial nature of that process can add to the anxiety. On the other hand, negotiating outside of the courts and using a collaborative process can help you maintain control of the outcomes and help build a more positive co-parenting relationship.  You can learn more about collaborative divorce here.