I remember about 9 years ago when I needed to make a big life changing decision. I knew I needed to decide whether or not to leave my safe, predictable law position or go and start my own firm, practicing in a way that felt aligned with my values. But there were so many uncertainties about making the change. So I maintained the status quo longer than planned because I needed to get to the place of being ready to take that next step. And sometimes circumstances push us to a place of being ready before we were planning on it.
This is what happens when people divorce. Usually, one spouse has been contemplating the idea longer than the other and when they make the decision to move forward with divorce, their spouse is not at the same place of readiness. And when people decide to get a divorce, wanting it over sooner rather than later is what many people want. But paying attention to where your partner is in readiness, can make all the difference between a good divorce and a bad divorce. This is something you have influence over. Giving your spouse a chance to “catch up” and come to terms with the end of the relationship means they will be able to move forward with less resentment, anger and sadness. And those emotions in a divorce do not make for smooth sailing for you or your children. If you want a peaceful divorce, readiness is your first opportunity to begin that process.
There are things that you can do to move things forward that you can discuss with your attorney, while your soon-to-be ex catches up, like researching your divorce process options (i.e., Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, etc.), gathering necessary documents, working with a therapist, or exploring separating. But to push them into a process before they are ready, can end up being a disastrous decision. Giving them time, can be the best thing you do for yourself and your family as a whole. This is the difference between being penny-wise and pound-foolish and having a no-court divorce.
If I had been forced to start my practice before I was ready, I might have chosen to do a different area of law; not found my great office space; and possibly made unwise financial decisions, rather than practicing Collaborative Family Law (something that I truly enjoy doing) in an office that feels safe and comfortable to my clients. Being ready made all the difference for me.
People that face divorce often describe feeling caught between two powerful motivators. On the one hand, they often feel they will need to “play hardball” in order to make sure they get the settlement they deserve. On the other hand, they know that an acrimonious divorce could damage their children, their integrity and their financial stability.
What most people do not know is that you do not need to choose between a peaceful solution and getting a better outcome. In fact, you can actually protect yourself more effectively through well planned civil negotiating methods. Hiring an attorney to play hardball in divorce court almost always backfires in divorce court.
More than 95% of all divorce cases end in a settlement rather than a trial. Therefore, it is most effective to think of the divorce process as a exercise in getting your spouse to “say yes” to your most important goals.
It is important to think about the technique that is most likely to get your spouse to “say yes” to the things that matter the most to you. Playing “hardball” is generally a strategy of having your attorney make aggressive arguments. While that might, on the surface, seem like what you want your attorney to do, is this really likely to work? How often have you seen arguments cause your spouse to change his or her mind? Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court, like most arguments in the kitchen, generally just lead to more arguments and aggression.
There is an old saying that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, which, of course means that you get better agreements through smart civil tactics. This saying is even more true in the divorce world where aggressive “vinegar” arguments are nearly certain to create an emotional response that will simply lead to more arguments.
Does being civil during divorce mean that you simply need to give in to everything your spouse wants? To the contrary; civility does not mean weakness and, in divorce, you can seek advocacy without stirring up acrimony. One way that is growing rapidly around the world, is a method called Collaborative Practice where you and your spouse hire attorneys and other professionals who focus on settlement only and who help both spouses find better outcomes. This gives you the opportunity to have someone “advocate” for you in a way that is far more likely to protect your interests.