Posted on
Most of my work as a lawyer involves representing clients in Collaborative divorces, and most of those cases involve the use of neutral experts to advise the couple on finances, child development, and communication/relationship dynamics. The idea is to provide them the best professional information in a non-adversarial setting so that they can make well-informed choices when resolving their divorce issues. Very often, the first of these professionals a couple visits will be their neutral coach/facilitator, whose responsibility, if hired, (among many others) will be to help couples appreciate where their communication styles get in the way of decision-making. I’m fortunate to have some wonderful professionals available to serve my clients in that role. In recent years, the coach I work with most often is Lee Eddison, someone who embodies the art of compassionate listening, but who doesn’t hesitate to call a spade a shovel after more nuanced attempts at guidance have been unavailing. One of the assessment tools she uses is to ask each member of the couple to say three positive things about their spouse’s parenting ability. “He doesn’t suck,” doesn’t count, either. She knows that if someone can appreciate a positive contribution to the family made by someone they dislike, there’s an excellent chance they can have an interest-based conversation en route to a resolution. That’s not to say there aren’t other bumps in the road, or good reasons to end the intimate partnership. But the ability to appreciate that duality in their partner at a time when it counts–when you’d least like to–gives that appreciation a power and a significance it won’t have later. It has proven to be a fair bellwether of success in a Collaborative process. Very few individuals who go through a divorce are all good or all bad. There’s a saying in the court system that “In criminal cases, we see bad people at their best, and in family cases we see good people at their worst.” It’s a sound bite, of course, but it’s often true. For divorcing couples who can appreciate the good things their partner has contributed, the chances of escaping the not-so-good parts without making it worse are much higher.
Posted on
183800215I am often asked to give presentations on the financial issues in divorce. I always cover what I refer to as the two financial pillars of any divorce dividing property including debts and cash flow and support. Without fail someone in attendance always asks where, do I begin? I do not know where to start. This question is asked not from a financial viewpoint but from an overall perspective of where to begin. My response is virtually the same every time. The most important decision you have to make is the decision to end the marriage. Some take months or even years to make this decision. It is not an easy one. If the decision is made to divorce, then the next most important decision is how to do it. What process options are available and which might be best suited for me, my spouse, and if children are present. Again not an easy decision, especially since these types of decisions are often made during times of high emotions including hurt, pain, and even anger. This is not necessarily the best frame of mind for making such life changing decisions. Having experienced divorce after a 30-year marriage and in my professional experience as a financial neutral, financial mediator, and supporting individual clients and their attorneys, the answer where to begin may be somewhere not so obvious, a divorce coach trained in collaborative divorce. I say this not because you will end up or be steered to a collaborative divorce, but rather that a divorce coach can help you and your spouse navigate the emotions and challenges during any divorce process and beyond. A collaboratively trained divorce coach can help explain process options in a manner to help you no matter what process you may choose. A neutral divorce coach can also help recommend other divorce professionals including a child specialist, financial specialist, and attorneys who can work together with you and your spouse in any divorce process. In addition, a divorce coach can help save you time, money, and heartache by guiding you and helping you manage emotions throughout the process. How do I find a collaboratively trained divorce coach? Click here to find coaches throughout the MSP metro area. By clicking on their name, you can read their profiles. Many, if not all of them, will provide a free initial consultation allowing you to ask questions, evaluate each individual and make informed decisions best suited to you and your family. Divorce coaches are one of the best resources available to anyone considering divorce and wondering “where do I begin.”
Posted on
482285789I recently attended a symposium about divorce entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” At first glance you might wonder whether we had anything to talk about. What do love and divorce have in common? Isn’t divorce the result of the loss of love? Sharing ideas with others interested in improving the divorce process reinforced my belief that love, forgiveness and compassion are the keys to divorcing well, and that divorce can indeed be a healing process. Divorce is an all-too-common event these days. We all have friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers who have experienced becoming unmarried. Some just barely survive and are stuck looking back at their divorce with regret and resentment. Years later they continue to bad-mouth their ex and blame their divorce for their ongoing unhappiness. Their inability to be present and available has long-term consequences for their children as well. Most of us also know people who not only survive, but thrive in their post-divorce lives. They are somehow able to accept the major changes in their day-to-day lives and move forward. By doing so, they are healthy role models for their children and fun to be around.  What accounts for these vastly different outcomes? Personality certainly has something to do with it. Some humans are blessed with more optimistic outlooks than others. Seeing the glass half full reduces anxiety about the future. Life circumstances also play a role. Good health, steady employment, and a healthy balance sheet contribute to feeling better about what lies ahead. However, several decades of experience tells me that one factor trumps everything else in terms of one’s ability to recover from divorce … the ability to forgive. Anger, bitterness, blame and resentment are feelings associated with the loss of a loving relationship. Grieving the loss is necessary in order to get on with life. Tara Brach, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, who was a symposium presenter, says, “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Rather than being lazy and stuck, working through one’s grief with a therapist, clergy person, or trusted friend can lead to understanding and forgiveness. Acknowledgment and forgiveness of one’s own contributions to the divorce are essential, as is forgiveness of the other person. In the Collaborative divorce process, our professional team includes a neutral coach and a child specialist, both of whom assist the parties in reaching closure with regard to their marriage and defining their future co-parenting relationship. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” -Fredrick Buechner
Posted on
175383921In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces”  I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases.  Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask.  First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate  all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse.   Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide.  Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce.” There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more:  www.collaborativelaw.org
Posted on

182961210 In my role as neutral child specialist I often act as a translator.  I work to ensure that parents understand the words and ideas of their children about how family can work best for them moving forward. I help parents listen to rather than react to each other while working on creating a parenting plan.  And I frequently deconstruct and revise certain legal divorce terminology into more family-friendly language.

From the start, I ask my adult clients to think of and refer to themselves as parents rather than parties.  The term parties to a dispute in a no fault divorce is more impartial than plaintiff vs. defendant, but it can still sound adversarial to many parents. As I have written before, legal terms like physical custody, legal custody, child support calculator and even settlement sound formal, top down and foreign to how families actually function.  In my office, and in the offices of many Collaborative team professionals, we talk about parenting time and decision making, and the resources parents need to adequately meet their children’s needs in both homes.Since learning this priceless phrase from a child I worked with, I prefer the term getting unmarried to getting divorced.  I prefer talking about reaching resolutions rather than settlements.  I ask my clients to refrain from saying 50/50 parenting, because how often do kids think of their parents in percentages?   I remind parents that children think of their moms as 100% their moms, and their dads as 100% their dads, regardless of whether the kids are at school, with their grandparents, on a play date, or where they sleep at night.  We use the language of co-parenting that is developmentally informed and attuned to their children’s temperaments and personalities. Language powerfully shapes our human experience, and communicates both explicit and implicit meaning.  The words chosen to describe a process or event are important.   Discussing important concepts in clear, thoughtful, straight-forward language and avoiding the use of jargon whenever possible can promote clarity and understanding during an already anxiety-arousing process.  And that is also priceless.
Posted on
When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin made the recent announcement that they were consciously uncoupling, they clearly touched a public nerve.  There was immediate sniping from people who seem to prefer celebrity gossip leavened with spite and public histrionics.  Critics derided the process Paltrow and Martin are choosing and questioned their motives, and more than one “expert” opined that divorce could not occur without acrimony and anger.  I beg to differ. How cynical has the public discourse become when people would criticize a process of divorce that mindfully strives to create emotional safety for children?  What’s to be gained by scoffing at the notion of creating an effective co-parenting relationship?  Why is there an automatic assumption that hurt and sadness–even betrayal–must trigger fury and contempt, and that divorce is of necessity an adversarial process?

As a Neutral Child Specialist, I respect the calm and dignified way Paltrow and Martin have begun this sad journey, which, because of their professions, will need to be done in the public eye.  Understanding that language is powerful, I applaud the term conscious uncoupling, which, like getting unmarried, does not carry the emotional baggage of the word divorce.  I was especially impressed when Paltrow and Martin referenced the wish to co-parent and to continue to be a family for the sake of their children

A divorce process that puts the needs of children at the center is much healthier, not only for children but also for their parents.  It is true that effective co-parenting leads to a much higher quality of life for all family members.  These goals are embodied in the work of the Collaborative Team Practice community.   Collaborative Team Practice may not be chosen by those who don’t believe that parenting during and after a divorce requires mindfulness, a certain amount of self-sacrifice and hard work to keep children at the center and out of the middle.  However, it is an excellent process for parents who want to reduce the impact of a painful change on their children’s future.

   

 
Posted on
Children Walking on TrailIn my meetings with kids, I ask them to share perspectives on family, including hopes and wishes for how family might work best when parents are living in separate homes. I recently had the privilege to meet with four amazing young women; siblings whose parents are getting unmarried in a Collaborative Team Process. I continually learn from kids with whom I work as a neutral child specialist. Each of these girls made thoughtful observations for me to share with their parents, so I asked them and their parents if I could write a blog post to share these ideas with others. Because they are thoughtful, empathetic and generous people, they agreed, and have my deep gratitude and appreciation.

Below are words of wisdom from Lauren, Kelly, Emily and Grace. Though focusing on one quote per girl, I want to stress that each of them had many wonderful insights about all the areas mentioned.

Lauren on Holiday and Birthday Celebrations

“I want one graduation party, not two. This is about me, not my parents. And I want them both to come and to get along.”

Lauren’s words represent the viewpoint of many kids, and are a powerful reminder that children of all ages have strong feelings about family celebrations. Lauren also talked about preserving family traditions on both sides for holidays, like Christmas. Tuning in to kids’ perspectives can help parents figure out how to preserve important traditions while adding new ones, providing grounding and clarity for all family members.

Kelly on Co-parent Cooperation

“I want my parents to remember they’re both always my parents no matter which house I am at.”

Kelly’s words articulate the heart of the positive and profound shift in family law away from attaching custody labels toward co-parenting and creating parenting plans based on the best interests of kids. Kids dislike the feeling of going from “Mom Island” to “Dad Island,” and feel safer if parents respect and honor their relationships with both parents.  Effective co-parent communication is a centerpiece of parenting and relationship plans in Collaborative Team Practice.

Emily on Transitions between Homes

“I hope my parents will have a one to two hour window for me to go from one house to the other, so it’s do-able if I am in the middle of something or with a friend.”

One of the most challenging aspects of a divorce for kids is transitioning between homes. It is vital that parents work together to make transitions as smooth, cordial and stress-free as possible. Emily’s words are an important reminder to regularly check in and listen to kids about what is working well and not so well in transitions. Parents need patience and empathy: kids have lives too!

Grace on Family Transformation

“I want us to be a together and apart family. We’re still a family, but we’re just split.” 

Grace absolutely nailed why I do the work I do as a neutral child specialist. What she said is both insightful and core to helping kids develop resilience. It is so important that all family members move forward with the deep understanding that getting unmarried does not end a family with children, but transforms it.

Thank you Lauren, Kelly, Emily and Grace. We will keep listening!

Posted on
Divorce is a challenging and life-changing experience for all family members, and most divorcing parents worry about how their children will be affected in the short and long term. Because divorce is such a significant event for children, these concerns are understandable. As a neutral child specialist, when helping parents address their concerns, I encourage them to consider three guiding principles.

Guiding Principle #1: The crisis of divorce should never become a trauma for children. 

Although divorce will almost always be painful and difficult for children, it is entirely possible for parents to keep it from becoming traumatic. Children can be traumatized when trapped in an environment of high conflict, danger, abandonment or abuse. None of these words should describe a child’s experience of divorce.

Guiding Principle #2: Children must be kept in the center and out of the middle of their parents’ conflict.

It is understandable that divorcing parents will experience conflict with each other. It takes mindfulness and empathy for parents to set the kind of clear boundaries that keep their children from being drawn into the conflict. Being in the middle always impacts children negatively. It is toxic to use children as confidantes, ask them to take sides against the other parent or disparage the other parent in their presence. The decision to take the high road and not put children in the middle is one that parents will never regret.

Guiding Principle #3: There is such a thing as a good divorce for families.

Judith Wallerstein’s longitudinal research on the impact of divorce on children painted a bleak picture of negative, long term developmental, social, academic, emotional and behavioral effects. Wallerstein studied families who divorced in 1971, a time when family law was typically adversarial and divorce was socially stigmatized.  In 1994, Constance Ahrens wrote The Good Divorce: Keeping your Family Together when your Marriage is Falling Apart based on her own longitudinal study. Ahrens found that when divorced parents could reduce conflict, communicate effectively, and co-parent cooperatively, their children did not experience long term adverse effects.

These children continued to feel a reassuring sense of family, transformed from under one roof to under two. With the right kind of personal and professional support, parents can make a healthy transition from a divorced couple to effective co-parents. Making this transition successfully makes a huge difference in the quality of life for children.

Non-adversarial methods of divorce undoubtedly enhance parents’ ability to create child-centered outcomes. Since 1990, there has been a sea change in family law, including models of collaborative practice, mediation and cooperative divorce. When divorce must happen, choosing a child-centered divorce process is another decision that most parents will never regret. For more information on Collaborative Team Practice, please visit the website of the Collaborative Divorce Institute of Minnesota.

Posted on
Pre-K Graduation CeremonyDivorce lawyers, when trying to urge their clients to settle their divorce case and save fees, will sometimes point out that a costly divorce is, directly or indirectly, draining the college fund for their children. This is a stark reality that, on occasion, will cause clients to pause long enough to set aside some emotional issues in order to preserve their nest egg. I have found that comparing college savings to divorce savings can be helpful in other ways as well. In working with divorcing couples for more than 30 years, I am often very impressed by the enormous sacrifices that middle class Americans will make to assure that their children get a good college education. This seems to be so embedded into the American dream that is not unusual to see parents fund their children’s college education even if it means depleting all savings or incurring great debt. In many divorce cases, the college savings are the “sacred cow”, the last thing to be impinged upon, based on shared belief that “the children come first.” For the most part, this is incredibly admirable. College education, or other post-secondary opportunities, can truly make a difference for our children and watching parents sacrifice for the greater good generally seems like a good idea. However, during a divorce, the sacrifices made for post-college education needs to be compared to other family sacrifices. Many adult children, who have gone through college, as well as their parents’ divorce, claim that getting through their parents’ divorce was the bigger challenge. More important, it is often easy to see that the way their parents handled their divorce had an even greater impact on their future lives than whether they had to take out a student loan to cover a larger portion of their college education. It is easy to see why this would be true. Yet, it is a hard realization for parents to accept when they are asked to consider “investing” in their children’s divorce in a similar light to an investment in college. For example, in most cases we recommend that parents work with a child specialist during a divorce; someone who can make sure that we are truly hearing the needs of the children and who can guide the parents in creating and implementing a parenting plan that is truly in the best interest of their children. The investment in a child specialist generally ranges between $1,000 and $2,000, a relatively small investment when you consider what is at stake. Yet, I see many really good parents who balk at this investment, even while committing tens of thousands of dollars to make sure that their children are not overburdened by student loans. I get it, in a way. A college education seems like a more tangible thing and, if you have never been through a divorce or worked with a child specialist, it may be hard to envision the benefits of a child specialist in the same way. In truth, there are times in which working with the child specialist has only a slightly advantageous effect on co-parenting.  However, there are other times when the difference is life changing. And when you carefully consider what is at stake, I can usually, without hesitation, recommend that investment, even at the risk that it could (although not necessarily) add $120 to $200 per month to little Johnny’s student loan payments.
Posted on
LuMaxArt GREYGUY014In a recent collaborative divorce case, we learned from the clients that a tax liability of about $60,000 would be owed if they did not get their divorce by the end of the year. It was only a few days before Christmas and past the informal deadline set by the court for submitting final documents for a 2013 divorce. Adding to the challenge, my client had just changed her mind about a key provision in the financial settlement. I had already prepared and circulated a draft of the agreement which had been reviewed by our clients and an expert who had helped them with planning and financial issues concerning their special needs child. Now it all seemed to be unraveling and I fought against the urge to find someone to blame and prove it wasn’t me (I bet these thoughts crossed the minds of the clients and others on the team). Instead, we got to work on the problems as a team. The attorneys met with the expert concerning the special needs child and reviewed her suggested changes, made phone calls to our clients for approval, and drafted the new changes into the agreement. The child specialist who had worked with the clients during the collaborative process reviewed the suggested changes and made adjustments in the parenting plan which would be part of the final legal document. We also had some preliminary conversations with our clients about the proposed change my client wanted in the financial settlement and shared our clients’ views. The proposed change concerned the timing of the sale of real estate and the neutral financial expert who had worked with us during the collaborative process had been contacted about this issue. We checked calendars with the clients and the financial neutral and scheduled a meeting–unfortunately, the husband’s attorney was not available at the only time which worked for the rest of the team and the clients. We agreed to meet and the attorney for the husband would be available during the meeting by phone and email. We also needed to get a judge assigned to our case. The Joint Petition, which had been prepared in the beginning of the collaborative process, was filed with the court, which got us an assigned judge. The attorneys discussed strategy and we agreed that the husband’s attorney would take the lead in the calls requesting an expedited court process. There were a number of complications, including the fact that the judge was leaving on vacation that day. I listened in on the calls and was happy to hear that the judge’s clerk, after consulting with the judge, agreed to email the agreement to the judge once it was filed and the judge agreed to review it while on vacation. We still needed a final agreement on the financial settlement. At the meeting the next day, the financial neutral took the lead and discussed the consequences of the proposed change, which would also affect the funding for education for their children. Options were considered and discussed. I was present at the meeting but had agreed on a ground rule with the other attorney that I would refer to her all questions of substance from her client. As we developed the terms of the final agreement, the substance was shared with that attorney in phone calls and emails. I prepared the final draft of the agreement with the new terms, the clients and attorneys (one by email) signed, and it was filed with the court that day after an all morning meeting. The judge signed the final document and the clients were divorced in 2013. The key reasons for our success in working through the challenges: 1) The clients and professionals focused on solving the problems rather than assigning blame for the problems. 2) Clients and professionals relied on the strengths and expertise of different members of the team. 3) Trust among professionals allowed for flexibility and candor in the process. 4) Clients kept uppermost in mind the big picture goals for the family as a whole.