As I listened to the appalling news out of Ferguson, MO, last week, I was especially struck by two things:
First, a veteran police officer, a retired chief of a municipal department, shared an observation that his officers made during unrest in his city, that when they were deployed in riot gear, officers invariably discovered that the situation became riotous. But when they met protestors wearing only their regular uniforms, they were able to talk to them and defuse many situations.
Secondly, early last week, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon put State Troopers under the command of Capt. Ronald S. Johnson, who grew up in the area, in charge of the police effort in Ferguson. Capt. Johnson, as pictured on the front page of the August 15th N.Y. Times, wore only his regular Summer uniform. He walked with protestors in the streets; he listened to them explain long-standing grievances. And the temperature in Ferguson cooled perceptibly–before additional tear gas and rubber bullets reignited passions.
I am not a cop. But the retired police chief–and Capt. Johnson–and I–all know from long experience that you will find trouble if you go looking for it.
Fortunately, my experiences as a divorce lawyer lack both rubber bullets and tear gas, but they are accompanied by strong emotions, usually expressed in the denigration of my client’s spouse. My client recites how dishonest, abusive, or uncaring the spouse is; how neglectful or clueless he or she is. It’s the opposite of the old lyric, “lookin’ for gold in a silver mine.” If those negative emotions bubble over, they’re invariably met with–SURPRISE!–the same feelings on the other side! And the case becomes even more contentious. The bigger waste, overall, is that the couple seems to believe that the family court system cares about this emotion. Apparently they believe that if the fight becomes bitter enough, someone will “win”. These folks could have been the inspiration for Elton John’s lyrics in “Honky Cat”:
“It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine. It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.”
Collaborative Process was conceived as a problem-solving exercise, based on a belief that husbands and wives might put their children’s welfare before their own. When I can get my client to take that leap of faith, s/he is often astounded to discover that, because they’re not spending the time fighting, both of them are able to make decisions that directly benefit the entire family. When my client starts out believing that their spouse also wants to complete the process and care for their children, they discover–SURPRISE!–that the spouses do. And when that happens, they’re more willing to listen to the variety of ways in which that could occur. Time and energy are now spent devising productive ways to reorganize their family.
If you’re looking for peace by waging war, don’t expect to find it. If, on the other hand, you start out waging peace . . . As I listened to the appalling news out of Ferguson, MO, last week, I was especially struck by two things:
First, a veteran police officer, a retired chief of a municipal department, shared an observation that his officers made during unrest in his city, that when they were deployed in riot gear, officers invariably discovered that the situation became riotous. But when they met protestors wearing only their regular uniforms, they were able to talk to them and defuse many situations.
Secondly, early last week, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon put State Troopers under the command of Capt. Ronald S. Johnson, who grew up in the area, in charge of the police effort in Ferguson. Capt. Johnson, as pictured on the front page of the August 15th N.Y. Times, wore only his regular Summer uniform. He walked with protestors in the streets; he listened to them explain long-standing grievances. And the temperature in Ferguson cooled perceptibly–before additional tear gas and rubber bullets reignited passions.
I am not a cop. But the retired police chief–and Capt. Johnson–and I–all know from long experience that you will find trouble if you go looking for it.
Fortunately, my experiences as a divorce lawyer lack both rubber bullets and tear gas, but they are accompanied by strong emotions, usually expressed in the denigration of my client’s spouse. My client recites how dishonest, abusive, or uncaring the spouse is; how neglectful or clueless he or she is. It’s the opposite of the old lyric, “lookin’ for gold in a silver mine.” If those negative emotions bubble over, they’re invariably met with–SURPRISE!–the same feelings on the other side! And the case becomes even more contentious. The bigger waste, overall, is that the couple seems to believe that the family court system cares about this emotion. Apparently they believe that if the fight becomes bitter enough, someone will “win”. These folks could have been the inspiration for Elton John’s lyrics in “Honky Cat”:
“It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine. It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.”
Collaborative Process was conceived as a problem-solving exercise, based on a belief that husbands and wives might put their children’s welfare before their own. When I can get my client to take that leap of faith, s/he is often astounded to discover that, because they’re not spending the time fighting, both of them are able to make decisions that directly benefit the entire family. When my client starts out believing that their spouse also wants to complete the process and care for their children, they discover–SURPRISE!–that the spouses do. And when that happens, they’re more willing to listen to the variety of ways in which that could occur. Time and energy are now spent devising productive ways to reorganize their family.
If you’re looking for peace by waging war, don’t expect to find it. If, on the other hand, you start out waging peace . . . 
Peace is possible though we are surrounded by high conflict. In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.” Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons. This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale. And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.
The end of a marriage is not unlike the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences. Is it possible to disconnect without civil war? Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle. Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and wellbeing of children.
I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility. In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace. We can elect to follow 
When you are ready to start a divorce, nothing creates more frustration than the reluctant spouse. How are you supposed to move forward with your life when your husband or wife doesn’t want a divorce? Here is my advice for dealing with the spouse who is dragging their feet.
1. Keep your long-term goals in the forefront, rather than taking short-term aggressive action.
A friend of mine from another state called me recently to tell me about her meeting with a divorce lawyer. My friend wants a divorce; her husband doesn’t. The lawyer said she ought to serve and file divorce papers on her husband and tell her three children about the divorce by herself so she controlled the story to the kids.
This kind of advice is what gives lawyers a bad name. Like most people with kids, my friend wants to protect them from conflict and have a good co-parenting relationship after the divorce. That means she has to work with her husband, not set up a firestorm of conflict by launching an aggressive attack.
2. Get the right support to help your spouse.
A spouse who is not emotionally ready to handle a divorce can make the process difficult. It’s much more effective to connect with resources to help your spouse accept the divorce. If you have been in marriage counseling, you could enlist the counselor to facilitate conversations about your desire for a divorce and options for proceeding. Discernment counseling, which is a limited scope form of therapy, is another approach. Or you could work with a collaborative divorce coach, who is skilled at working with couples who are have a gap in their respective readiness to proceed with divorce.
3. Use the time to gather necessary financial documents.
While you are letting your spouse play “catch up” emotionally, it helps to feel like you are taking steps to move forward. One task that has to happen is gathering financial information. You can contact a collaborative financial neutral to find out about their services and the information that will be needed. You can gather records, such as tax returns, mortgage documents, bank statements, and credit card statements. You can look into insurance costs as an individual and look into housing options. Gathering all the financial information usually takes some time, and there is no reason why you can’t get a start on that important step. It will make things go more quickly once you are ready to start the process.
It is rare for both spouses to be in the same place emotionally when deciding to end a marriage. If you can give your spouse some time and support to accept that the marriage is over, you gain a less frustrating divorce process and a foundation for a good working relationship as co-parents. 
