“I’m just really, really scared all the time.” A nine-year-old shared this during her child-inclusive post-divorce mediation. This was not because her parents were often in disagreement and she sometimes felt in the middle of it (she did), but because of where each parent lived and worked in the city of Minneapolis, where she also goes to school.
Proximity to what she and most children in Minneapolis have been forced to process during the heightened federal immigration enforcement—the deaths of a mom and a nurse in the daytime on the city streets by armed, masked men, and the disappearance of family members, classmates and friends—has been deeply traumatizing. Frightening events like this also are occurring in other cities, and in other parts of the world.
In Collaborative practice with families, we prioritize the safety and well-being of children. It is about creating a process that is respectful and honors the dignity and humanity of all participants. It is about listening, understanding, empathizing and ultimately problem solving. These are the strengths of a process that seeks to mitigate the harm of adversarial energy, and any urge for retribution or vengeance.
But what do we do as Collaborative professionals when the outside world is mirroring the exact opposite? When what is fracturing families and terrifying children goes beyond divorce? How can we help families and children who are experiencing separation and divorce in the midst of traumatizing circumstances from which we cannot shield them?
What I believe is that now, more than ever, we need to exemplify our core values. Respect. Honesty. Transparency. Empathy. Compassion. Fairness. Human decency.
We need to put into practice our highest skills. Being present. Listening without judgment. Asking clarifying questions. Reframing without invalidating. Modeling the ability to compromise. Holding open a safe space to process painful emotions. Offering support and guidance. Refraining from disrespecting the “other side.” Maintaining a focus on what children need to be resilient and thrive, and not on winning.
When my young client curled up on the couch and expressed her fear, I needed to be present for her. I needed to respect her, really see her, accept her reality and not try to minimize or deflect. I didn’t have answers. But I knew she needed hope. So I reminded her of the story of the Grinch, who was very mean and spiteful because his heart was too small. He tried to trick, intimidate and punish all the Whos in Whoville who were different from him. But when the Whos turned to each other for support and song, the power of their loving community was unshakeable. Ultimately this power stopped, and then changed, the Grinch. I told her I knew she was loved, and she smiled.
She then asked if I would tell her parents to please not argue so much, and I told her I would most certainly do that.
Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.
Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com
