Visits to the Minnesota Children’s Museum, when my kiddos were little tykes, were the inspiration for these articles. As a recap, the Museum emphasizes the power of play for children, and lists the following as skills children learn from playing:
- Creative thinking
- Critical thinking
- (Self)-Control
- Confidence
- Collaboration
- Communication
- Coordination
In Part 3, we took a deep dive into the 5th skill, collaboration. Now, we are going to illustrate how grown-ups can utilize the collaborative skills they learned as kids, in a Collaborative Divorce.
As previously mentioned, the Children’s Museum has a board on each of the above skills to illustrate what the skills look like and how parents and teachers can encourage children to grow those skills. Here’s the board for Collaboration:
In Action – Joining forces to pursue a common goal because two heads are better than one:
- Adjusting to others’ ideas
- Showing compassion and sympathy
- Valuing the contributions of others
You enhance this power of play when you:
- Encourage children to take on other roles
- Give them a chance to work through conflict
- Model cooperative behavior
We can think of many examples of kids learning these skills and working together to build a sandcastle, create a dinosaur army, build a structure with blocks, and so forth. While divorce is more emotional than building a sandcastle, the skill is incredibly useful in the process.
Adjusting to others’ ideas
Often, divorce is about “he said, she said” but it’s really about accepting that the other person has their own ideas about “things.” Different ideas, however, may actually have commonalities. Part 3 defined collaboration as engaging with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal. Although discussing goals, especially shared goals during a divorce seems counterintuitive, it shouldn’t be. In fact, it’s the foundation of the Collaborative Divorce Process. Divorcing parents have at least one common, shared goal: to ensure that their kids are ok, and this includes older, even adult children, and relationships. If the divorcing couple doesn’t have children, they often raise the common goal of having financial security after the divorce. Most couples have several common goals, but these two are almost, if not always, at the top. Collaboration in a divorce is crucial to the future well-being of everyone in the family and those relationships going forward. Adjusting to someone else’s ideas will likely lead to cooperating with the other person in the pursuit of the common (shared) goal.
If a divorcing couple’s tantamount goal is to make sure their kids are ok (and clearly define what “ok” looks like), they can (re)learn how to play nice in the divorce sandbox together. Guided by their Collaborative Divorce team, the couple will figure out which toys or tools to use or play with in the sandbox, what they want to build or do, and go from there.
Showing compassion and sympathy
I would add or perhaps substitute empathy for sympathy. Everyone wants to feel understood. It is a basic human need, and divorcing partners can still feel empathy for each other. If one spouse wants to receive more savings or cash in the divorce settlement, the other spouse might get irritated by such a request. But looking at the underlying reason (a stay-at-home spouse wants to finish that college degree) the other spouse should at least be able to acknowledge the “why” behind the “want.” They don’t need to agree to it right away, but it’s important they put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand what’s behind the goal (being self-sufficient). Once the couple identifies their common goals, they will quickly figure out that if they cooperate and work together, they can accomplish their common goals.
Valuing the contributions of others
In a Collaborative Divorce, the foundation and anchors of the divorce are created with goal setting and brainstorming. Final outcomes and decisions are based on underlying interests and values, rather than positions. Each person’s goals and objectives are illustrated during the first meeting and any of the participants (spouses, attorneys, or neutrals) can ask pointed questions to really get at what is important to each person.
Active listening and thoughtful inquiries are ways to show that the contributions of the other person are valued. This validation can help the divorcing couple connect in ways that will help them problem solve and move forward with the process.
Now, the magic can happen, and the team can enhance this process by doing any of all of the following: encouraging certain behavior, working through conflict, and modeling cooperation.
Encourage (people) to take on other roles
In a traditional marriage of kids and a stay-at-home and a breadwinner spouse, each spouse needs to rescind some of their historical tasks to fit in some of the other tasks. For example, if the wife was out of the workforce and at-home with kids, she may not only want to go back to college to finish her degree (or get an advanced degree), but she may need to in order to support herself. This is a new role for her. Since she is working through her new role to support herself financially, the breadwinner parent will need to try out his new role by stepping up and taking on more of the tasks related to the children’s needs. Skilled professionals can help the couple prepare for this new reality, and these new roles.
Give them a chance to work through conflict
Yes, conflict exists even in a Collaborative setting. In fact, extremely high conflict situations can still utilize Collaboration. And even if the case is low-conflict, let conflict happen. The elephant in the room needs to be addressed, and as uncomfortable as it might seem at the time, once the conflict is out there, it usually isn’t as bad as people thought it would be. Addressing it gets it out there, and often, it will hang in the room for a moment, and then pass through.
Model cooperative behavior
The professional team’s engagement with each other and the divorcing couple is respectful, curious, and helpful. We are truly rooting for this couple to get to the finish line together, and as unscathed as possible. Divorce can be viewed as a problem to be solved, rather than a battle to be fought. All the participants in the case are asked to bring their “higher” selves to the meetings. Attorneys ask follow up questions to not only their respective clients, but to the “opposing” party. People can rest assured that the “other” attorney won’t interrogate them – they won’t feel like they are being cross-examined. No one is deposed, and there are no “gotcha!” questions, just clarifying and follow up questions so the professionals can help the couple navigate and reach post-divorce goals.
If children can collaborate, so can adults
Cooperation, respect, compassion, and empathy all have a space at the Collaborative Divorce table. It is absolutely a better process for divorcing couples. It isn’t easy, but divorce in and of itself isn’t easy. The assumptions going into the process are that people are generally good, want to do right by their kids and have a cordial co-parenting relationship, and move on with their lives. So instead of paying attorneys to fight in court, divorcing couples work with each other and their legal team to create an outcome that helps the couple move on as individuals, while strengthening family relationships going forward.
About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration. She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive. She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning. When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.
Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com
