The viral video of a father reaching out to his ex-Wife’s new husband, his daughter’s stepdad, and asking him to join him and walk their daughter down the aisle has had a huge impact. It has been shared millions of times.
I have noticed a number of my social media friends and colleagues sharing this video. The comments seem to fall into two categories. First, for divorced parents or children of divorce, many look at this video as a painful reminder of how horrible divorce can be. Many have memories of the strain and tension between their parents after divorce or cannot imagine ever having a connection with an exes new partner.
Others see this video as recognition of the new face of divorce. Divorce can be healthy and can lead to new families that are, in many ways, stronger and healthier than they were before. Bonus parents or step parents can be wonderful additions to a child’s life.
I see these stories all the time. I am a collaborative attorney dedicated to helping families divorce in better ways. I hear stories of clients all the time having better relationships with their co-parent after a divorce. Like this mother who wrote a letter to her daughter’s future step-mother or this lovely New York Times article about two divorced parents vacationing together — this can be the new face of divorce.
The collaborative law process allows for creative and respectful outcomes – it keeps the children at the very center of everything and helps families thrive. Social media is drawn to thee stories because people crave these types of outcomes and want a better future after divorce. Collaborative law provides these types of resolutions and more and more peaceful extended families.
As a parent to youth players and season-ticket holder to a semi-professional team, I watch a lot of soccer.
My daughter’s team plays at the elite level. In a game, they move around, pass to a teammate, trap the ball, look around while the teammates move around, pass again. Three passes before any shot on goal – this is the coach’s rule. Professionals play similarly. As I watched these girls move, pass, trap and shoot, I reflected on the greater symbolic meaning of that technique.
This technique teaches the players to be better teammates. To share the field, utilize space and be mindful in the movement towards a common goal. The girls are learning ball control and how to find open space on the field so it will be easier for their teammates to find them. They are shifting from individual players to teammates – recognizing teams are better off than superstars and that where there’s a superstar, there are always superstar teammates. Ultimately, they are also learning the importance of practice, hard work and of taking the perspectives of others.
This is similar to parenting. We keep moving around to get open – make ourselves open and available to our children so we can receive whatever they have to give. Sometimes they are giving love. Or, it may be a moment of frustration, when they are lashing out. Regardless, we work hard to be open to whatever they are passing our way.
Our children make a pass. We trap it. We wrangle in the emotion, or question, or need. We move it forward and pass it on. This pattern continues until we launch them into the world. Even then, we stay open for the pass back and ready to continue to help them reach their goals.
Being open to the pass is important. Practice and effort take work, but there is joy in that work as well as in the outcome. With children, we often think about what we want to teach and how we want to guide and shape their futures. This year and moving forward, I want to be more present to what they can teach me. 
An amicable separation and divorce can sometimes become strained when new relationships start. New significant others often cause new emotional reactions that can subsequently impact parenting. In order to preemptively address the problems that can arise when new relationships start, in collaborative divorce, we often come up with parameters to address significant others.
Here are some potential options to consider when thinking about agreements on significant others. Any or all may be included in a parenting plan.
- One option is to not allow the children to be introduced to any significant others without agreement of the other parent.
- Sometimes parents like to have a period of time (such as six months or one year) after the divorce is final when no significant other shall be introduced to the children.
- An introduction to a significant other may only occur when a neutral parenting expert (such as a child specialist in the collaborative divorce process) recommends that it is appropriate to do so.
- Parents often keep some aspirational language in the decree such as: “Both parents understand that it is in the best interest of the children to support the children’s relationship with any long-term significant other of the other parent and shall make all reasonable efforts to do so.”
Vacations are a common part of family life. Some families like to camp or take close-to-home trips to a local hotel or amusement location. Other families have vacation traditions, such as family reunions or a favorite locales that they visit year after year. And others may like to spend freely and take extravagant vacations.
It is common to be concerned about vacations in divorce. When one, nuclear family becomes a bi-nuclear family with two home bases, it may seem like a foregone conclusion that vacations will need to end. While things certainly need to change, in a collaborative divorce, parents can work to develop a parenting plan that incorporates vacations and time away with the kids.
It is common in parenting plans to provide each parent a certain number of days to take the children on vacation. This time typically supersedes regular parenting plan – it is not a trade-off of days. The parenting plan can outline further parameters on vacations, such as:
- How much notice should be given for an upcoming trip.
- Whether or not vacations can incorporate missing school.
- Number of consecutive days allowed.
- Communication parameters between the off-duty parent and the children while on vacation.
- How far the children may be taken and what activities are permissible.
“Many promising reconciliations have broken down because, while both parties came prepared to forgive, neither party came prepared to be forgiven.” – Charles Williams, British author and translator
I recently came across this quote about forgiveness and reconciliation and it reminded me of the collaborative divorce process. I am a collaborative attorney. I often see couples enter into the divorce process with ideas about forgiveness. I often see clients come into the divorce process hoping to end the anger or negative feelings. They may want to make things better for the sake of the children or to feel better themselves, whatever the reason, forgiveness can be one of the most impactful elements of divorce.
To forgive is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong or to stop blaming someone. In divorce, forgiveness may revolve around infidelity or poor financial management or lessening attraction for another. Emotionally clients often prepare to own their own feelings. They may have considered the benefits of forgiving the other and moving forward in a more positive manner.
Like the quote above implies, it is often easier to think about forgiving someone else. When someone is forgiven himself or herself, however, it may be tougher to accept. The selflessness of the other during the challenging process of divorce can sometimes be overwhelming. Genuine forgiveness may be unexpected. It can lead to breakthrough moments and opportunities to dig deeper to find more compassionate and amicable resolutions.
Forgiveness and divorce are intertwined. The collaborative divorce process is designed and supported to allow the greatest opportunities for forgiveness and peacemaking.
“Many promising reconciliations have broken down because, while both parties came prepared to forgive, neither party came prepared to be forgiven.” – Charles Williams, British author and translator
I recently came across this quote about forgiveness and reconciliation and it reminded me of the collaborative divorce process. I am a collaborative attorney. I often see couples enter into the divorce process with ideas about forgiveness. I often see clients come into the divorce process hoping to end the anger or negative feelings. They may want to make things better for the sake of the children or to feel better themselves, whatever the reason, forgiveness can be one of the most impactful elements of divorce.
To forgive is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong or to stop blaming someone. In divorce, forgiveness may revolve around infidelity or poor financial management or lessening attraction for another. Emotionally clients often prepare to own their own feelings. They may have considered the benefits of forgiving the other and moving forward in a more positive manner.
Like the quote above implies, it is often easier to think about forgiving someone else. When someone is forgiven himself or herself, however, it may be tougher to accept. The selflessness of the other during the challenging process of divorce can sometimes be overwhelming. Genuine forgiveness may be unexpected. It can lead to breakthrough moments and opportunities to dig deeper to find more compassionate and amicable resolutions.
Forgiveness and divorce are intertwined. The collaborative divorce process is designed and supported to allow the greatest opportunities for forgiveness and peacemaking. 
When a couple decides to get a divorce, they have options. The continuum of divorce processes range from a kitchen table or “pro se” process where the parties work on their own all the way to a full litigation in front of a court. All of the following processes result in a final divorce and resolution of all issues. Each process is unique and may work for you.
Pro Se/Kitchen Table
What is it: Parties work out resolutions all on their own; may draft up the papers on their own or fill out online papers directly with the Court.
Pros/Cons: Can be quick and nearly free, but requires an ability to work together. Neither party received legal advice.
Mediation
What is it: Parties work out resolutions with a neutral third-arty mediator; lawyers may or may not be involved. Once resolutions are reached, the parties may draft up the papers on their own or hire attorneys to provide legal advice and draft up the divorce papers.
Pros/Cons: Can be quick, but requires an ability to make decisions for yourself, sometimes without legal advice.
Collaborative Law
What is it: Parties each have an attorney and work out resolutions in a settlement-focused, out-of-court process; other specialists can be involved, such as a financial specialist, child specialist or coach.
Pros/Cons: Thorough process that can address all issues with legal advice and other specialists, but requires ability to make decisions in one’s own best interest.
Litigation/Court Process
What is it: Parties present their case to a third-party decision-maker for adjudication of the issues.
Pros/Cons: Parties have little control over the pacing of the process; but attorneys are typically involved throughout.
Once you learn about the processes, you should meet with a professional to learn which process is best for you. 
We are currently enjoying the annual Minnesota Get-Together. The State Fair is an annual ritualistic event that many Minnesotans appreciate. When families are divorcing, it is often important to continue to maintain these rituals to keep consistency for children. When conflict overwhelms a divorce these important factors may be lost. A collaborative process, that focuses on the interests of the parties can help keep these important rituals in the family.
Many families take the annual trek to St. Paul, Minnesota to the State Fair grounds. Whether they drive and pay $20 to park on someone’s lawn or jump in a church parking lot and take a free shuttle, they all end up at the Fair. Once there, they may play games in the Midway, taste meatloaf on a stick or Sweet Martha’s Cookies, or explore the many educational/agricultural opportunities. There are parades and musical performances. Animals galore. It seems everyone has their own “way” of exploring the Fair.
When a family divorces, the annual Fair-going event may change. Some families can maintain the traditions and attend the fair together, despite the new status of divorce. Other families may trade-off the Fair event each year or share it in some way (mom and dad swap at the corner of Cosgrove and Randall). Or maybe a family friend or grandparent will maintain the tradition.
What is most unfortunate, however, is when these types of traditions are lost altogether. It may result from financial challenges or anger between the parents. Sometimes rituals are just lost in the transitions – they may be forgotten. A collaborative process can help to keep the focus of divorce on the children. Keeping the focus on what matters most to them will help keep these types of rituals in the forefront. As a whole, the family will be better off and rituals can be maintained if you work together on the outcomes. 
Now that everyone is back to school, here are some important things to remember for divorced families:
1. Be Mindful of the Schedule. Parents often look forward to the routine and structure of school, that is often lost in the summer months. Kids need that same sort of structure. Depending on the age of the children, help keep them apprised of the schedule with an online-scheduler or written calendar. Remember that changes to a schedule affect everyone – so be mindful of how adjustments will be accepted by everyone. You have to balance flexibility and adaptability.
2. Stock up on School Supplies. Kids often display anxiety with the need to remember clothes, school supplies, or materials for extra curricular activities (sports equipment, musical instruments, school supplies, etc.). Make sure both houses are stocked up or the kids have a good routine (with parent support) to make sure they have everything they need at both homes.
3. Start Communicating. There are so many elements of children’s daily lives that they are interested in sharing after a busy day at school. And then the school often communicates with parents via emails or handouts. Sometimes things are learned during school pick-up or by talking to another parent. This information should be shared — come up with a routine for sharing relevant information about the kids so that both parents are fully informed. Daily emails or texts are often an easy way to keep the off duty parent informed.
4. Plan for Homework and Activities. Kids often have full schedules afters school. Between homework and extra-curricular activities, many parents feel as if their after school hours are as busy as their work days. Together with the children come up with a plan to manage the responsibilities every day. It is okay to have different schedules at each home, but consider coordinating efforts or sharing your plan so both homes can best support the children.
5. Plan for Downtime. Life gets busy. Make effort to find time for fun and relaxation as the busy life of school starts up. Everyone deserves a break – so plan for a game night or go see a movie. You will all appreciate a little downtime.
It can be hard to find a divorce attorney and start the process. There are process options and it is sometimes difficult to pick an attorney and find a guide through the process. Here are ten questions to ask as you learn about divorce and try to determine who to hire.
- What are my divorce options? There are different ways to obtain a divorce in Minnesota Clients can file papers on their own without attorneys, use mediation, litigate their divorce, or have a full collaborative divorce. A good attorney should talk to you about all of the options, even if they don’t practice all.
- Will we work with other professionals? When meeting with an attorney, ask who else they suggest you hire – financial neutrals, family specialists, parenting neutrals, coach or other expert.
- How do most of your cases go? Attorneys may have similarities in their cases or a typical of case. It is good to know how many of the attorney’s cases proceed.
- What divorce method or issue do you have most expertise? Attorneys may specialize in one process (like collaborative law) or a particular issue (like cash flow or non-marital tracing).
- Who controls the process? There is significant difference between a court-controlled process (litigation) and client-centered process (particularly collaborative law). Ask about the difference and what the attorney does most.
- What role will I play in the process? You should know up front what your attorney expects of you – are you a document gatherer or high level decision maker? Are you along for the ride or an active controller of the process?
- How should my spouse and I communicate during the process? Some attorneys advise very little communication between spouses during the process. Other processes, allow for spouses to communicate if needed and comfortable outside of the process. Some clients need to communicate about parenting and others may want to try and work some issues through outside of the process.
- How much do you charge and what is the payment process? In addition to knowing the attorney’s hourly rate, you should know if your attorney accepts credit cards or requires a retainer up front.
- Are there ways I can keep the costs down? An attorney should work with you to keep costs down — ask about the ways they will do it.
- What do you like about this type of work? It is important that you feel comfortable with your attorney and understand how you will work together. Asking some questions about their practice and experience may give you insight into what your attorney is like and why they are practicing family law.