Posted on
180248003-rowing-teams-oars-close-up-gettyimagesDo you need a divorce team and if so who should be on that team? If you are going through divorce or plan to do so you should think about who you want to have on your divorce team.  Who you have on your team depends on the process you have chosen. If you are headed down the traditional litigated divorce path your attorney will be your lead team member and possibly could be the only team member. Oh sure you may bring in experts of your own and when you do experts of your soon to be ex will suddenly appear. This is unlike a collaborative divorce where neutral professionals are commonly utilized.  In mediations you may or may not have neutrals or you can also have experts, if you will, that are only on your side.  The difference is in a collaborative divorce the neutrals are working together with you and your spouse to help you reach agreements.  These agreements satisfy both of your needs and interests versus you both having your own experts refuting each of your positions with opposing viewpoints.  When this opposing positions scenario appears it requires some outside third party to make decisions for you since you and your spouse cannot make those decisions yourselves.  This ends up being a crapshoot and most likely results in decisions neither one of you are very satisfied with. In a collaborative divorce the entire team works together for the benefit of your family.  Who are the potential team members and their roles in a collaborative divorce? Attorney:   
  • Provides legal guidance, counsel, and advice to you
  • Supports you in resolving the areas of dispute that arise
  • Cooperates with other Collaborative team members to guide clients through the process
  • Works in joint meetings with both clients and the other attorney to create legal documents to necessary to complete the process
  • Are professionally licensed as attorneys
Coach: 
  • Helps clients effectively communicate during the process which can minimize conflict and lower cost
  • Helps to maintain a safe environment to discuss difficult issues with mutual respect
  • Helps you with advocating for yourself
  • Helps you minimize emotions to better manage reactivity to stress
  • Is licensed as a mental health professional or a Rule 114 qualified mediator
Financial Specialist:
  • Identifies and evaluates tax consequences
  • Assists clients with developing spending plans (budgets)
  • Develops current and future cash flow analyses
  • Helps clients/attorneys generate and evaluate financial options
  • Guides the team discussion on financial matters
  • Is professionally licensed as a financial expert
Child Specialist:
  • Provides neutral guidance and education to parents
  • Helps parents create “we statements” to talk with their children about the divorce or break up
  • Meets with parents and children to obtain developmental information, identify family strengths and identify goals to meet children’s needs
  • Meets with children to assess their hopes and needs for the future
  • Gives feedback to parents and professional Team members about the needs of children
  • Assists parents in the creation of a developmentally responsive Parenting Plan
  • Works with the Neutral Coach to strengthen parents’ co-parenting relationship
  • Is licensed as a mental health professional
Does every divorce require each of these team members? Not necessarily. A divorce with no minor children or a divorce from a very short-term marriage say less than three years for example, with few assets and liabilities may not require anyone other than an attorney. However, in divorces from longer-term marriages if minor children are involved, there are a number of assets, and liabilities it would make sense to utilize a child specialist and a financial specialist. If your goals and those of your spouse are genuinely concerned about future relational issues with your soon to be former spouse or extended family members, I encourage you to explore the use of a coach trained in collaborative divorce. A coach may be very helpful if you have concerns about challenging communication issues with your soon to be former spouse. The use of neutrals can be very cost effective. Neutrals are usually employed at lower hourly rates and in some cases significantly lower rates than attorneys. The value added benefit beyond the lower cost structure for using neutrals is they are experts in their respective fields. Attorneys are experts in the legal aspects of divorce not so much so in the financial, child development, and relational aspects of divorce. Only you can answer the question of do you need a team and if so who should be on that team. It does depend on the divorce process you choose and your unique circumstances. Choose your process and your team wisely!
Posted on
187816521-father-and-daughter-walking-in-the-park-gettyimagesIn my work with families making the shift from one to two households for their children, I often remind parents that transitions between homes are typically bothersome for kids.  I use the personal example of going on vacation to explain this:  I love my job, and I love going on vacation, once I get there.  It’s the transitions in between that I don’t look forward to at all.  What do I need to remember to pack?  Did I forget something important?  Will I know what to expect when I get there?  Will I get enough sleep?  Transitions by definition take us out of one routine and into another—and kids usually do best with predictable routines.  So how can attuned parents help make transitions less stressful?  Here are five tips: 1.  When relocating after a divorce or break-up, strongly consider whether it would be possible to live within biking distance of each other.  I hear all this wish expressed all the time from kids.  It helps them feel less worried about forgetting something at the other house, because retrieval would be easier.  It also gives them a sense of personal agency to imagine they could bike over to Mom’s or Dad’s on their own power. 2.  Ensure that kids have ample supplies of what they feel is important to have at both houses.  No, you won’t need to buy two saxophones, but you may need to invest in particular kinds of shampoo and conditioner, multiple special pillows or specific games to have at each home.  Having photos of the other parent in the kids’ bedrooms will also help. 3. Be very mindful of the emotional tone of transitions.  Focus on what the kids need, which is a respectful and calm exchange.  Anything else and kids will feel in the middle. Transitions are not the time to try to resolve disagreements between parents. 4.  Be reliable and follow through on commitments.  I can’t emphasize this enough.  Trust can only build between co-parents, and between parents and children when behaviors match words. 5.  The best parenting time arrangements are both structured and reasonably flexible to accommodate unexpected opportunities or life events.   However, parents need to confer directly about any changes of plan.  Even if a child asks for the change in routine it is not a good idea to say “Sure, I’d love to take you to the game on Saturday, but it’s not my weekend with you.  You’ll have to call your mom/dad and see if it’s okay.”  This puts your child in the middle, and can be a set up for the other parent.  What to say instead?  How about, “Thanks for letting me know you’re interested in going to the game.  Mom/Dad and I need to talk first to make sure it would work.”
Posted on
89024943-hispanic-girl-with-hostile-parents-gettyimagesThe Week recently printed an article on negative impacts of divorce on children.  You can read the article here.  It is a summary of research done around the world demonstrating how divorce negatively impacts children. Unlike the commonly known impacts of divorce on children and future relationships, this article identified some of the lesser known outcomes.  For example, children of divorce are much more likely to begin smoking in their lives as well as end up on prescriptions for ADHD (such as Ritalin).  Children of divorce often find less success in school and are more likely to drop out of school.  The article also points to research illustrating that children of divorce have more health concerns than children who’s parents remain married. What the article fails to explore is how the process of divorce may impact these outcomes. Parents can choose the process to divorce.  They could have an adversarial process, wrought with harsh communication, positional negotiations and overall negativity.  However, an alternative, peaceful process, such as collaborative divorce can preserve the positives in a relationship and help children thrive after the divorce is final. Divorce does not have to result in long-lasting negative outcomes.  A divorce done well, with care and concern, respect and honesty, can often lead to family structures that are better off than they were before the divorce.  Children can be protected in that process and have positive futures.  The negative consequences in the article are real (obviously the research shows as much), but a divorce done right can lead to much better outcomes for everyone. Contact a collaborative law professional if you want to learn more about divorcing well to protect everyone in the future.
Posted on
133791230-tin-can-communication-gettyimagesListening to the voice of the child is increasingly becoming a mainstream concept in family law.  This is a welcome development, as careful attunement to children’s perspectives and needs can guide resolutions and parenting plans that are truly in the best interests of children. Having worked with children of all ages for many years,  I am aware that the language of children has its own rhythm and cadence.  Children do not always use words to express their inmost feelings and concerns.  Very young children express themselves through play and behaviors rather than spoken language.  When distressed, young children may temporarily regress to earlier behaviors.  This is a normal process, but may need professional guidance to resolve if it becomes persistent, especially when accompanied by patterns of anxiety or angry outbursts. At the opposite end of the developmental spectrum, one of my favorite essays about teenagers is entitled “Please Hear What I am Not Saying.”  Children, especially adolescents, often have difficulty expressing their feelings directly. To fully understand their child’s experience, parents need to be observant of patterns of behavior that may indicate feelings the child is unable or unwilling to express directly.  Asking a child, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you acting that way?” may not yield much information.  Another approach is to express empathy and the offer of support, “It looks like something is bothering you.  I’m here if you want to talk about it.”  If a problematic behavior pattern persists for more than a few weeks, it might be the right time to consult with a child or adolescent therapist to get neutral, professional help in decoding the problem and helping your child find healthy ways to cope. Consulting with a neutral child specialist during the divorce process can enhance your understanding of your child’s perspective and feelings.  Collaborative Team Practice is designed to provide a sounding board for all family members during a difficult time of transition.
Posted on
486417833-hope-they-work-it-out-gettyimagesHere are five suggestions for how divorcing parents can provide support to their children in the new year: 1.  Keep expectations realistic.  Children go through a grieving process just as their parents do when the marriage ends.  Their energy and focus may be impacted, and this can affect their performance in school, sports or the arts.  If this happens, be gentle with your child, who will be even more unhappy if s/he feels like a failure in a parent’s eyes. 2.  Remind your child regularly that s/he is cherished.  Children do best when they experience unconditional love and support from parents.  This includes being curious and interested in your child’s ideas, stories and day-to-day experiences. 3.  Find time to do something enjoyable with your child.  If you are fortunate enough to have the time and energy to go on a date with your child to do something mutually enjoyable this can be a great bonding experience.  However, kids my love the opportunity to play a board or video game with a parent, or make popcorn or brownies together before watching a movie at home. 4.  Maintain routines.  Most children, just like most adults, depend on routines to keep a sense of stability in their lives.  Keep routines for mealtimes, bedtimes, homework time, doing chores, etc. as predictable as possible. 5.  Be authentic.  Children rely on parents to be trustworthy.  There may be days when it is difficult to not be sad, or when patience is in short supply because of the stress of the divorce.  It’s okay to be real with your children about your feelings as long as you keep them out of the middle of any conflict with your co-parent, and as long as you are very careful to not imply that a child is responsible for making a parent feel better.  “I’m pretty sad today, so I don’t have a lot of energy.  But I know feelings don’t last forever, and I’ll feel better soon.”
Posted on
173298780-mid-adult-woman-toying-with-gold-wedding-gettyimagesHaving friends scattered throughout the country has shown me just how drastic divorce proceedings and turnarounds can be. My friend in Baltimore, Maryland, who was married for 5 years with no kids, had no battles over property division, and her divorce still took just over 2.5 years to complete, including a mandatory year of separation before filing (this law has since changed recently for those without children). A friend in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, her divorce with one child and a business involved, took just 6 months to the date. And my good friends (haha), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s Oklahoma divorce after four years of marriage complete with pre-nup and no kids, took just days from when they filed. Here in Minnesota the length of time to complete a divorce depends upon several things, including custody, parenting time, child support, and division of debts and property. It can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to a year and a half or more, depending upon whether the parties are cooperating, and depending upon the issues involved. The length of a divorce also largely depends on how the case is resolved. For example, divorcing collaboratively, where both party’s attorneys agree to settle without going to trial and the underlying threat of litigation, can significantly reduce the time it take to complete the divorce for several reasons, the biggest factor being avoiding months awaiting a divorce trial. Divorce is the time to practice patience, and to always prepare yourself for the divorce process to take longer than anticipated. Even in our instant gratification society where you can have Amazon deliver within the hour, your divorce could take months to years. No matter how long your divorce proceedings may take it is important to remember that divorce never really ends with a “victory” by either party. Both parties typically leave the marriage with substantially less material wealth than they started with prior to the divorce. Occasionally, you may hear about a spouse receiving a very large settlement or substantial alimony compensation. But more commonly, both spouses must compromise in order to reach an agreement. If there are any real “winners” in the process, it’s those who maintain positive relationships with an ex-spouse so that they are able to successfully co-parent their children.
Posted on
With the new year comes new beginnings, and while your divorce may have you feeling like everything is spinning out of your control, let’s start 2016 with you IN control. Take some time to journal about what you want 2016 to look like for YOU. Even those ideas that may not seem realistic right now, write those down too. Goal setting is often a combination of what is realistic and attainable, and what will take you out of your comfort zone and at times may even seem nearly impossible. Look at various aspects of your life and reflect on what you want each chapter to look like – dating, co-parenting, your career, mind & body, hobbies (both new and old), faith, travel, finances, etc. If you are more of a visual person and less of a journal writer, jot down key words and make a Pinterest board for each of these categories. Add photos, articles, and inspiring words to each board to help you to stay on track and motivated throughout the year. Write YOUR story. Paint YOUR picture. This is YOUR life to live how YOU choose, let 2016 be the year you take control. Don’t let your divorce or other aspects of your past define you, let YOU define YOU. The new year brings a time of reflection. Often times people look back on the year and choose to either focus at how blessed they were, or will happily say “good riddance” to the year they are putting behind them. If you are feeling the later in regards to 2015, rather than sulking, let’s embrace the new year with positivity, and vow to make it positively fabulous! A fitting quote by Chris Butler, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up when I fall, and whether I walk, run, or crawl, I’ll set my goals and achieve them all.” Here’s to YOU in 2016!
Posted on
492577072-christmas-gettyimagesThanksgiving, Christmas, and all of the holiday season seen through the eyes of a child is a magical time. After all, we hear that “it’s the most wonderful time of the year,” from a very young age. It’s as we age that we begin to realize just how hard the holidays are for so many people. The losses people have suffered, both throughout that year and during their lifetime, divorce, cancer and other major illness diagnoses in their family and friends lives, job losses, miscarriages, and so many defining moments that seem to come to a head during the six week winter holiday season. Holidays are centering moments in our lives, full of memories – the Thanksgiving where the turkey was inedible, the year the kids opened all of the Christmas presents before you and your ex woke up, Grandma Irene’s prized pumpkin pie – all memories that for better or for worse make the holidays an especially easy time to feel an absence. The absence of a loved one, a marriage, the family you once had, or maybe the family you imagined, you get the idea. Additionally, the stress of the holiday season is only made worse when you are grieving these losses. Something small may trigger your heartache like a Christmas card addressed to both you and your ex-spouse, or perhaps being the only singleton at the Thanksgiving dinner table. It’s all too easy to feel like we are all alone in holiday sadness, after all, look at all those smiling faces on the Christmas cards and on social media posts. It’s important to remember that those are just that – snapshots, and not reality. Behind many of those smiling faces also lie someone that is grieving in one way or another. It’s not easy to navigate the holiday season, but use gatherings of friends and family to serve as reminders that you are not alone. Allow for these occasions to provide an opportunity to take a break from the grief you are feeling from your divorce. It may offer you hope that holidays after divorce are bearable, and, maybe not today, but will one day even be enjoyable.
Posted on
Late night browsing on HBO recently brought me to a refreshing and wonderfully honest documentary on kids of divorce. The 30-minute film focuses on children who have recently gone through divorce – it asks them questions and captures their honest and candid responses.  So much wonderful information can be gleaned form children. They offer unique perspectives on the realities they face. Even more refreshingly, they offer unique insights and rules for their parents. As always, children can guide parents through these tough transitions and help them move forward in ways that really matter to kids. Indeed, these little minds are often more grounded and reflective in their views than their parents. Some of the many words of wisdom from this documentary, are:
  • Keep reminding me this isn’t my fault – I need to hear it over and over again.
  • Be honest with me – talk to me honestly. I can handle it or I will le tyou know if I can’t.
  • Don’t put me in the middle, but remember I am important.
  • Don’t have me spy – get your own information.
  • There is not a big bright side of things – but try to look on the bright side. Point out to me the things that are good out of this and why I will be okay.
  • I miss my other parent in my heart. Know this and keep it in mind.
  • Give us more love than we need.
Don’t Divorce Me! Trailer
If you have children and are contemplating divorce, check out Don’t Divorce Me! Kids’ Rules for their Parent’s Divorce on HBO ON DEMAND or www.hbogo.com
Posted on
185311153-tax-refund-gettyimagesThe child tax credit may save you money if you have a qualified child.  Here are the top five things to know about this credit as it relates to divorce:
  1. Depending upon your tax filing status and your income you may be eligible for a child tax credit of up to $1000 for each qualifying child you are eligible to claim on your tax return.
  2. An “Additional Child Tax Credit” is for individuals getting less than the full amount of the child tax credit.  This “Additional Child Tax Credit”, may give you a refund even if you do not owe any tax.
  3. Qualifications by the IRS the child must pass relating to divorce include:
    1. Child must have been under age 17 at the end of the tax filing year
    2. The child must be your son, daughter, stepchild, foster child, or your adopted child
    3. The child must not have provided more than half of their own support for the year
    4. The child must be a dependent that you claim on your federal tax return
    5. The child must be a U.S. citizen, a U.S. national or a U.S. resident alien
    6. In most cases the child must have lived with you for more than half of the tax filing year
  4. There are income limitations that may reduce or eliminate your ability to qualify for a Child Tax Credit
  5. See IRS publication 972 for more information on the Child Tax Credit
The child tax credit is one way you may be able to lower your out of pocket tax obligation and in some cases even receive a refund if you do not owe any tax. Be sure to consult with a qualified tax preparer to determine your eligibility to qualify for the child tax credit.