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March 15, 2016

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Once you have completed your divorce, the list of things to figure out can be daunting. It can be easy to push off those things that don’t seem to affect your daily routine. Some of those things that you have been putting off are likely financial – a lump sum distribution from the divorce just sitting in cash, a 401(k) in need of rollover or perhaps a credit card balance that never seems to get any smaller. It’s time to make understanding your financial situation part of the process of building a new life. The longer you wait, the greater likelihood that your inaction will impact your long-term financial success. If you don’t know where to start, then it may be a good idea to seek out the assistance of a financial planner. While financial planners may have specialties, the financial planning process is fairly standard for all planners. At the core of the financial planning processes is evaluating your financial needs and goals, and helping you take steps toward meeting those needs and goals. The general steps to the financial planning process are as follows: 1. Determining your financial goals What are you looking to achieve? Do you need to invest that cash in your savings account or rollover a 401(k)? Do you need to figure out how you are going to pay for your child’s college education? Do you need to get a firm handle on your expenses and cash flow? (budgeting) 2. Gathering your information If you have recently completed your divorce, this step should be easy. For your divorce, you needed to collect all of your financial information. You can just pass this information on to a financial planner (bank, retirement, and investment statements, liabilities (credit cards, car loan, mortgage), and your income information, such as a pay stub and a tax return. A copy of your divorce decree also provides pertinent information. 3. Analyzing your information The financial planner will stitch together all of the financial documents in your life to create a picture of your financial situation. 4. Creating your financial plan A financial plan lays out your financial goals and your financial situation. From there, your financial planner will work with you to create a plan of action for meeting your financial goals, based on your financial situation. 5. Implementing your financial plan Your financial plan is going to be a little different from everyone else’s plan. Implementation of a financial plan can take many forms as well. It may involve reallocating your portfolio, setting up a program to save for college, purchasing insurance, or creating a budget. 5. Monitoring the progress of your financial plan In the stock market and life, things happen, situations change. Financial plans are not engraved in stone, never to be changed. They have to be flexible to adapt to the changes that happen in the financial markets and in life. While the financial planning process is fairly standard across the industry, the financial products and solutions recommended by financial planners are not. Much like your physical health, if you are not sure if the recommended products or plan of action are best for your financial health, seek a second opinion. You are more likely to be committed to following a financial plan if you understand the financial products in your portfolio and are certain that your financial planner has put your interests first.

March 10, 2016

Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process for dissolving a marriage. It is common for one spouse being ready to move forward with divorce and the other spouse struggling to move forward in the process. Parties can be at very different points on the divorce readiness scale – one is ready, one is not. This is quite typical. The spouse not wanting to move forward is sometimes called “reluctant” or “in denial.” Because Minnesota is a no fault divorce state, one spouse not being ready does not need to stop the process from moving forward. The ready spouse can file for divorce and the process moves on in court with little control of the reluctant spouse. However, when one spouse is looking for a non-adversarial, out-of-court alternative (like collaborative divorce), there is more of a need to bring that other spouse along. The reluctant spouse really can delay the process and interfere with the non-reluctant spouse’s desire to divorce. It is interesting to think that one spouse can be committed to a collaborative divorce, but divorcing may not have to be a collaborative decision. So one party can control the process (with the other’s agreement), even if the other never agrees with the decision to divorce. It is common during the divorce process to have spouses be at different comfort levels with the decision to divorce. These levels of readiness can change throughout the process and even vary greatly from one meeting to another. The challenge often lies with helping the reluctant spouse commit to a collaborative process, while acknowledging his or her disagreement with the process. A good collaborative attorney can strategize ways to bring the reluctant spouse into the process and help move things forward. Ways to teach him or her about the divorce options and lay out the pros and cons of different processes for divorce.

March 8, 2016

When one spouse in a divorce has been unemployed for an extended period, it can often be a frightening situation for that particular spouse. It can also be frightening to the other spouse. This fear shared from opposite perspectives can lead to heightened conflict and tense communications. This conflict and challenged communications can impede the entire divorce process. However, it does not have to be this way. What if in the divorce process, there was a way for someone to explore these fears from a deeper perspective? The spouse who has been unemployed for some time, perhaps because of child rearing responsibilities, is extremely anxious or downright scared about how they will ever be able to make it. The employed spouse is anxious and downright scared they will forever face having to support their non-working spouse. Both have legitimate fears and concerns. Let us look at some options that may help both at least minimize some of these fears. In a collaborative divorce , professionals, whether they are coaches, financial specialists, child specialists, or attorneys, have access to tremendous resources to help couples in this type of situation. Vocational assessments can help determine a person’s aptitude for specific job classifications and what the expected salary ranges are for beginning, mid-level, and more experienced levels. Sometimes additional training may be required to either add new skills or perhaps update skills from the past. Career coaches can help with packaging (marketing) a spouse for employment, resume creation, interviewing skills, and a game plan with target dates for employment. This type of effort requires genuine commitment on the part of the spouse seeking employment and the spouse who is employed. The commitment comes in the form of the unemployed spouse diligently working with the vocational counselors and coaches to follow recommendations provided. Commitment from the employed spouse comes by supporting the spouse seeking employment both emotionally and financially. When this commitment is genuinely felt by both spouses, good things can happen. The unemployed spouse will be able to obtain employment at a more rapid pace, which in the end serves to boost their confidence and self-esteem. This can have a mushroom effect to fast track the non-working spouse to employment with higher earnings. If the employed spouse sees progress to help the non-working spouse with employment, their fears of having to fully support their non-working spouse forever can be significantly reduced. Sounds like a win-win to me. The keys to all this happening is commitment, transparency, and genuineness from all involved including spouses and members of the divorce team. Of course, if you do not have a divorce team and are stuck in a more traditional divorce process, the commitment, transparency, and genuineness more than likely does not exist at all. This begs the question of which divorce process do you really want to pursue? A collaborative divorce provides an environment described above where you and your spouse make decisions together that are in your best interest. A more traditional or litigated divorce process is a process often forced upon you and then someone else makes decisions for you that affect your future. Stop and think before you choose. Choose your process wisely.

March 3, 2016

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Several experiences this past weekend got me thinking about the meaning of a true apology. On Sunday, I read Gail Rosenblum’s column in the Star Tribune about whether women, in particular, are socially conditioned to say “I’m sorry” too often. After describing an Amy Schumer skit which ended with a female Nobel laureate apologizing to a coffee cup for getting in the way while dying of accidental coffee burns, Rosenblum shifts the issue to her real message: “…we need to learn how to do sorry well.” She quotes workplace consultant Fran Sepler who said, “The difference between an insincere and a sincere apology is miles apart.” (I was reminded of the commercial in which a burly guy looks down at his bicep and bellows, “No Regerts?” to which his candy-eating tattoo artist whines, “Soorrryy, I was eating a Milky Way.”). A true apology requires empathy and open acknowledgment of how you have hurt the other person, and a sincere wish to begin to mend the damage. On Saturday evening, I went to a play entitled ‘Til Death, A Marriage Musical: A Hit Musical that’s Ridiculous, Squirm-Inducing and Lovely….Just Like Marriage. The creators of the show, a couple named Jeremiah and Vanessa Gamble, wrote in the program, “We wanted to take an inward look at our own struggles of trying to practice forgiveness and live out a committed relationship.” The show is an intelligent, witty and well-performed look at two couples whose marriages are acutely threatened by hurtful acts of omission and commission. Throughout the play, characters say “I’m sorry” in various inauthentic ways. It’s not until the moment that a character drops his or her defensiveness and justification and expresses true regret for hurting the other person that it becomes clear that a true apology has been offered….and accepted. The fact is, a true apology will not always be accepted by the other person. That is beyond your ability to control. But making a true apology, with empathy, respect and clarity, makes YOU a better person. And the world a better place for you and your kids.

March 1, 2016

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The Week recently printed an article on negative impacts of divorce on children. You can read the article here. It is a summary of research done around the world demonstrating how divorce negatively impacts children. Unlike the commonly known impacts of divorce on children and future relationships, this article identified some of the lesser known outcomes. For example, children of divorce are much more likely to begin smoking in their lives as well as end up on prescriptions for ADHD (such as Ritalin). Children of divorce often find less success in school and are more likely to drop out of school. The article also points to research illustrating that children of divorce have more health concerns than children who’s parents remain married. What the article fails to explore is how the process of divorce may impact these outcomes. Parents can choose the process to divorce. They could have an adversarial process, wrought with harsh communication, positional negotiations and overall negativity. However, an alternative, peaceful process, such as collaborative divorce can preserve the positives in a relationship and help children thrive after the divorce is final. Divorce does not have to result in long-lasting negative outcomes. A divorce done well, with care and concern, respect and honesty, can often lead to family structures that are better off than they were before the divorce. Children can be protected in that process and have positive futures. The negative consequences in the article are real (obviously the research shows as much), but a divorce done right can lead to much better outcomes for everyone. Contact a collaborative law professional if you want to learn more about divorcing well to protect everyone in the future.

February 25, 2016

As an attorney with two small children, I am very aware of how crazy family life can be, even on the good days. I am always looking for ways to create more peace in my day-to-day life, and in the lives of my clients. Many people experience the stress of fearing the unknown in the beginning of a divorce, which is normal. Although it seems counterintuitive, getting organized on paper can help lower your stress levels during a divorce. Many couples struggle, in the midst of hectic family life, to get their financial paperwork together for review. To help with this, I provide my clients with a checklist at the initial consultation outlining everything we need. This reduces a daunting task to a series of concrete steps that will just take time to complete, while the stress of not quite knowing what needs to be done is (somewhat) relieved. If you keep your tasks organized on paper, they can’t worry you as much, and the same goes for your thoughts. Just like piles of forgotten paperwork, racing, unorganized thoughts can contribute to stress. I recommend getting a personal notebook to jot down meeting notes, as well as your ongoing thoughts, to-do lists, and concerns throughout the divorce process. It is a good way to keep everything recorded in tangible form, which makes it easier to maintain your peace of mind. Writing your thoughts down helps you keep track of the big picture as well as little things to remember, and you can rest better at night knowing you won’t forget anything important. Recording accomplishments, thoughts, and tasks will not only help the divorce process go more efficiently, but it can really bring you a sense of peace, control, and empowerment as well. At the end of the day, this is what we are all looking for.

February 23, 2016

Divorce is not fun for anyone nor is it a financially savvy thing to go through. You are splitting up what you own and what you owe to others. This often includes unpaid credit card balances and loans. What can you do to protect yourself? I always recommend to individuals and couples going through divorce or even contemplating divorce to immediately check your credit report. You can do this by going to www.annualcreditreport.com. This is the official consumer site provided in cooperation with the three major credit bureaus (Equifax, Experian, and Transunion) and the Federal Trade Commission. You will be able to obtain your credit report free from each of the three credit bureaus. Other websites may offer free credit reports but often want you to sign up for something. Watch out for these gimmicks or better yet just use the site mentioned here. After obtaining your credit report, get three different highlighted markers. Read through the report and highlight all open accounts listed as joint, use a different color highlighter to mark all accounts listed as authorized user, and yet a different highlighter to mark all accounts listed as individual in your name only. You will want to make sure that all joint credit cards, loans, and indebtedness accounts are closed post-divorce and are so noted in the divorce Judgement and Decree. Closing the accounts does not release you as a joint owner from the liability to pay remaining outstanding balances. It is critical to remember that even though the divorce decree may place responsibility for debt repayment on certain accounts to your spouse, you will remain liable to the creditor/lender should your spouse default on the payments. Even late payments could show up on future credit reports affecting your own credit score. Ideally on any joint debt accounts you will want your spouse to either pay these debts off in full or refinance the outstanding debt in their own name with their own new accounts. You will also want to address any accounts where you are listed as an authorized user. An authorized user has the same liability as a joint owner for any indebtedness on the account. The sort of gotcha on these types of accounts is that an authorized user is not always able to close the account. Any individual accounts held by you will be your responsibility to repay. I always recommend that to the extent possible attempt to emerge from the divorce with as little consumer debt as you can. Doing so will allow you to maximize your cash flow to meet your current living expenses and hopefully save for future goals. Keeping an eye on your credit and following these few simple steps can go a long way to helping you protect your credit, your credit score, and give you confidence to maximize your cash flow. Divorce as painful as it can be also creates opportunities to start anew.

February 18, 2016

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2016 is well underway and many will look at the new year as a new beginning. While it’s important to have a positive outlook on the year ahead, sometimes the changing of the calendar year can create a false sense of promise. Pressure to set unrealistic goals such as being healed from your divorce this year, or that you will fall in love this year. Sometimes while going through the difficult path of grieving your divorce it may be helpful to consider that January 1^st is nothing more than the day after December 31^st. The changing of the year will bring a bit more healing and personal growth as each day passes, however it is imperative to understand that things can’t, and won’t, change overnight, which is why creating realistic expectations of the new year is essential to your healing. All the talk about new year’s resolutions, goals, “new year, new you,” that come with the month of January can leave you feeling overwhelmed, which creating realistic expectations, even if that means lowering or having no expectations at all can be a healthier way to navigate the healing process. Setting lower expectations allows you to be gentler on yourself. Creating a sense of balance in your life can be far more important than checking something off of an overwhelming, or unrealistic, to-do list. As you gradually adjust to your new normal, you may feel that everything in your world is now different, yourself included. You will have days of triumph, days of defeat, and plenty of temporary setbacks throughout the year ahead, but it’s crucial to remember that these temporary setbacks are just that – temporary. They happen to everyone and are a normal part of the process of healing from your divorce. It’s natural to have days where you hope and pray for everything to go back to the way things once were, but it is unrealistic to expect for that to actually happen. As you begin to accept your new normal, it might require a new approach to life, and maybe your biggest goal for 2016 will be to learn that approach and how to navigate it. Find the joy in life, which is more important than checking something off of a list. Reconnect with old friends, find new hobbies, look for the joy in everyday, but don’t feel the pressure to have a timeline on your healing, your happiness, your life, or finding new love.

February 16, 2016

In the Twin Cities, many family law attorneys offer a free consultation to learn about your options. This is a time to meet your potential new attorney and ask your questions. The consultation can serve three main purposes. First, you can learn about your divorce options. There are four general processes for divorce:

pro se/unrepresented where you go through the process without legal guidance;
mediation where a neutral third party helps you come up with the agreements;
collaborative divorce where both parties commit to a respectful out of court process with lawyers and other professionals guiding the process; and
litigation, the court-based traditional process. A good consultation should educate you on all of these options.

Second, the consultation allows you to learn some basic information about the issues in a divorce. The attorney can discuss the main legal issues that need to be decided during a case – such as child custody, parenting time, spousal maintenance, or property division. Clients often have specific questions about these categories and what may or may not be relevant to their situation. Third, the consultation allows you to get to know someone and see if it is a good fit for legal work. One of the most important aspects of a consultation is the opportunity for you to meet a potential attorney and see if you will be comfortable working with them. Your attorney is your guide. You may cry or express anger in front of this person – you need to feel comfortable doing so. In addition to legal adeptness and zealous advocacy, you also must be comfortable and trust your attorney. This is perhaps the most important element of the relationship. You should know that when you are just meeting an attorney for a consultation, the attorney cannot give you legal advice or answer legal questions with certainty. Because the consulting attorney does not have a client relationship, you and your spouse could meet with the attorney together. This is often a good way for you both to hear information together. When you receive the same message, you often feel less adversarial and more like you are both seeking a guide for the process. Please contact a collaborative attorney for a free consultation to learn more about your options.