Now that Minnesota has passed the Same-Sex Marriage Bill, there is much to figure out with regard to how laws will apply to same-sex couples and how laws will need to be amended to include same-sex couples. Now that same-sex couples can marry, they will also be subject to the laws for dissolving the marriage. The costs to the couples for going through the process might change because there will be a legal structure in place that now answers questions about division of assets and liabilities, as well as custody and parenting issue. As noted in the article in CNN Money about the cost of same-sex divorce, the cost for a “divorce” in states that have not recognized same-sex marriage has proven to be higher than states where same-sex marriage is recognized.
The article notes that, “For an out-of-court settlement in states where same-sex marriage isn’t recognized, a same-sex divorce typically costs around $20,000, versus $10,000 for an opposite-sex couple, said Randall Kessler, a partner at Kessler & Solomiany Family Law Attorneys in Atlanta.” When children are involved, it further states that, “Same-sex couples who negotiate property division on their own but bring the custody issue to court are usually looking at $40,000, compared to $20,000 for opposite-sex couples, Kessler said. And a long, drawn-out court battle over custody could lead costs to jump to $100,000 or more for a same-sex couple, twice what it costs for an opposite-sex couple.”
In my Collaborative practice, I have previously worked with same-sex couples dissolving their relationship with children. We did have to navigate the legal system with some creativity to address the issues of property division and parenting issues because they did not fit into the opposite-sex dissolution system. But the Collaborative process allowed them to be treated as a family system and reach a settlement that worked for everyone involved and it was less expensive than if it had been done through traditional legal system. Now that we have legalized same-sex marriage in Minnesota, we will have a system in place that will provide answers to the legal questions that arise in same-sex divorce. And the Collaborative Process will continue to be a responsive process to help manage costs, keep the decision making power within the family, and enable healthy transitions.
There is such a thing as a Do-It-Yourself Divorce. Not that I recommend it, but it’s out there. As an attorney who focuses on Family Law, Mediation and Collaborative Practice, I discourage this route to end a marriage, mainly because of details that can be missed. My definition of a Do-It-Yourself divorce is one in which you and your spouse are handling the entire legal process without any attorney help. This includes gathering information, making decisions, and completing the legal paperwork and processing that paperwork with the court. This is not something you should be doing without help!
Perhaps surprisingly, there are many people who do indeed choose this path: to divorce without the help of an attorney. Especially for those with no children and little to no assets or debts, and likely a shorter marriage, it’s not uncommon. There are free forms available on the Minnesota Supreme Court website that can be printed and used. However, in the following circumstances, clearly an attorney would be helpful: if you have children; significant assets or debts; if you own a house and/or land; if you have been married for many years; if one spouse earns a lot more money than the other.
So, after you determine it is a good idea to procure an attorney to ensure the specifics of your divorce, what next? Are you looking for a courtroom battle? No, of course not. Then why not consider a Collaborative Divorce?
What is a Collaborative Practice divorce, anyway? The most basic definition requires that both spouses have attorneys and everyone signs an agreement not to go to court. The idea is to settle the matter without ever setting foot in a courthouse. Even in a Collaborative Practice divorce the paperwork would be filed at the courthouse, but the attorneys and the clients would never need to have a hearing or even go to the courthouse. The paperwork would just be filed by mail.
Collaborative Practice divorce is an out-of-court settlement process where the attorneys are hired to settle the case and not to go to court and where other neutral professionals often help on the case to provide neutral meeting facilitation, child-focused input or special financial expertise.
Collaborative Practice means more than just the technical completion of the divorce process. It means a commitment to settling the case out of court. It means using neutral experts help educate clients about the unique emotional, child-related and financial circumstances of their particular case and to explore potential settlement options.
For Collaborative Practice professionals, being a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota means regularly participating in additional training above and beyond their underlying professional continuing educational requirements. We do this in order to focus specifically on the client experience and out-of-court negotiation and settlement.
As with most things, of course, you get what you pay for. While a do-it-yourself divorce is possible, if instead you are looking for a cost-effective, quality process, take a look at Collaborative Practice divorce. You will be rewarded with a high-quality method that includes professionals that take extra care and training to learn ways to resolve cases outside of court and neutral professionals that will help educate you about your specific circumstances and help you explore your options, all while agreeing not to set foot in a courtroom. 
An attorney representing a client going through collaborative divorce is much more than a legal adviser. The attorney is often a confidant, emotional support system, sounding board, voice of reason, teacher, and financial adviser. Indeed, a collaborative divorce attorney is a “guide.”
The Sherpa people in Nepal inhabit the area surrounding Mount Everest. They have become natural guides up the mountain due to their native knowledge, experience in the region, and superior genetic disposition to function in high altitudes. Like lawyers in divorce – they have gone through this before and they are skilled in the tools necessary for success. Most individuals only experience divorce once. A good collaborative attorney has experienced divorce many times – as a guide. They have honed their skills and can “sherpa” or guide clients through this process in an efficient and successful manner.
I often ask my clients to think back about their wedding. How much of the wedding was legal? It is often a spiritual, emotional, familial, and sometimes a financial endeavor. The legal piece, however, is more minimal. Perhaps you signed some papers a day or two later and mailed them into the state? A divorce is not all that different. Attorneys should advocate and guide their clients to make decisions in their own best interest. However, the attorney role, much like the wedding itself, is multi-faceted and often not solely focused on legal advocacy. A divorce may feel like a long uphill road, like climbing a mountain. A client needs to find an attorney who they trust in all the roles that attorney will play. A good collaborative attorney should be with you on that journey – guiding you up that path to resolution and peace. 
I read an interesting article in the Star Tribune this week, “Till Debt Do Us Part,” about the challenges faced by newlyweds with student loan debt, particularly when one partner has more debt that the other. This got me thinking about the strong connection between money and divorce.
Money issues are the number one reason clients give me for the failure of their relationships. Debt is usually a contributing factor. In my career as a collaborative divorce attorney, clients have shared their very personal stories with me. Sometimes the story-telling is tearful and filled with regret. Other times it is angry and filled with resentment. Tension over finances can evoke negative emotions and poison otherwise loving relationships.
In some cases, money issues are caused by factors outside of anyone’s control, such as job loss, a tough economy, or illness. The resulting instability can be temporary or long-term and affects the entire family. In my experience, however, disagreements about money arise when parties come into marriage with different attitudes and feelings about money. These differences gradually reveal themselves over time, eventually affecting other aspects of the relationship. Even marriages of caring, committed spouses are at risk.
So how can divorce over money be avoided? Awareness is the first step. Each of us grew up in a family with its unique money culture. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas and values have been influenced by our childhood experiences. Many parents are reluctant to talk openly with their children about money, leaving the children to unknowingly form their own set of beliefs. Failure to recognize these hidden internal attitudes and assumptions in ourselves and others leads to misunderstanding and blame.
The good news is that open discussion of money matters can help couples identify their differences and protect their relationships. Key questions include:
- How will we manage our day-to-day finances?
- How much should we be spending vs. saving?
- Which budget items constitute “needs” vs. “wants”?
- Will all of our money be considered joint or will we each have our separate funds?
- How does each of us define “financial security”?
- What are our retirement goals?
I would not wish divorce on any married couple. It is a painful process and results in permanent loss. But I also do not like to see people suffer through unhappy marriages. Naturally, the best solution is to seek to improve the marriage so that both husband and wife can be happy. However, there are times when that is simply not possible. And for those people, their best option may be a “Happy Divorce”.
I realize that “Happy Divorce” is a misnomer. No divorce is truly “Happy”. However, in my thirty years of working with divorcing families, I have known many people who are much happier after the divorce than they were in the marriage. I have also known hundreds of couples who treat each other with more respect after the divorce than they did during the marriage. The ability to get through a divorce in a respectful manner can be an achievement of immeasurable worth; particularly if there are children of the marriage. No child wants to live in an unhappy home or, worse yet, two unhappy homes.
In our culture, we have come to expect that divorce will bring out the worst in people. But I have also seen couples who, although they are facing one of the most difficult times of their lives; have found a way to bring their best selves forward, often for the sake of their children.
Divorce is an end; but it is also a beginning. Many couples even greet divorce as an opportunity to improve their life skills. In some occasions, these couples, when faced with divorce, find ways to communicate more effectively; work to improve their parenting skills through a neutral parenting specialists; and even find ways to better their financial capacities through the help of a neutral financial expert. While there are many ways to achieve these goals, one method that is rapidly growing in popularity is called Collaborative Divorce, where couples work with a team of professionals (lawyers, mental health professionals and financial experts) to help them improve their lives after divorce in significant measurable ways. To learn more about this option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com. 
Most of us are familiar with the concept of holistic medicine. The importance and interdependence of body, mind and spirit in our overall health is becoming accepted in the world of healing. Less well known, however, is the Collaborative divorce process, which utilizes a holistic approach to help struggling families heal. Collaborative practice uses a team of experts who work with the parents and their children to achieve deeper resolution.
Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not just a legal event. As countless couples in the throes of separation can attest, accusations about the past and fears about the future can make constructive conversation impossible. Frustration sets in and one or both parties “lawyer up.” So begins the all-too-often lengthy, unpleasant and expensive process of litigation, during which parents are often discouraged from communicating with one another.
Fortunately, another option exists. In Collaborative divorce, both parties have Collaboratively-trained attorneys providing guidance throughout the process. In addition, they jointly use a team of neutral professionals to address their communication, financial, parenting and emotional issues. A series of meetings takes place in which these interdependent issues are discussed and resolved without court involvement. In this way, divorcing parties maintain more control over both the process and the outcome.
Integrative medicine uses a team of specialists who communicate with one another to achieve optimum health for the patient. The Collaborative divorce process parallels this model by bringing together a team of divorce experts. This more humane method of dispute resolution can facilitate healing and result in a healthier post-divorce family.
As a divorce attorney, I often ask myself “What is this dispute really about?” This is also a good question for each person going through a divorce.
In an early case I had before I started practicing collaborative divorce, an ex-wife sued my client after the divorce was final. Her motion said that he had wrongfully taken the Tupperware and her maternity clothing and she wanted those items. We actually had a court hearing on this and her ex-husband had to get on the witness stand and testify. He testified that he did not have the Tupperware and he did not have and had no use for her maternity clothes.
That brought out a chuckle from those in the courtroom and the judge stifled a grin. The motion was denied and I felt like we “won.”
Looking back, I now realize that the divorce did not resolve some underlying issues which caused the dispute to keep on going. In a traditional divorce, the legal issues control the outcome in court and the emotional issues determine how long and how costly the dispute is.
In a collaborative divorce, both the emotional and legal issues are acknowledged and addressed. The process we use focuses on the interests the parties have – and in my experience most of those interests are shared by both. If there are differences, those are discussed. The basic facts needed are incomes, values of assets, debt balances –which can easily be verified by documents. Those assets that are harder to value such as homes, businesses – can be valued by a neutral expert agreed to by both
The emotions of anger and perceived wrongs of the past can impede progress in reaching a final agreement. In a collaborative divorce, a neutral coach who is a mental health professional working with the couple, helps them work through those impediments to a settlement.
If you are going through a divorce, you want to avoid arguing about the Tupperware and get some help to focus on what your real interests are and how you can reach an agreement.
In my family law practice, I have seen well over 1,000 people divorce. Without a doubt, divorce is a difficult and painful process. However, I have been deeply enriched as a family law attorney by working with many spouses who have used this difficult process to set themselves on a new life path. Frequently a spouse will first enter my office full of emotion and fear. How will the children fare? Will there be sufficient money to pay the necessary expenses? For stay – at -home spouses who must now begin working, can they succeed in the work place? Can they even find meaningful work that will pay a decent wage?
Often I work most closely with such spouses in the collaborative law process. We start from the ground and work our way up. What do they know about their finances? What is the family budget? What is their earning ability? How does earning a living intersect with raising children? Can one do both and if so how? Often with the assistance of a financial professional, we build budgets, spread sheets and cash flow analysis. Those who have little interest in finances or previous experience with finances begin to get their sea legs under them as to what their financial situation is, will be after the divorce and what they can do for themselves to maximize their well-being following the divorce.
Spouses also learn that they do not need to continue with the same troublesome patterns of relating to their spouse, particularly regarding children. Instead, time is spent focusing on constructive, but firm communications. The intent is for a spouse again to develop confidence that she or he can hold his or her own following the divorce, in a health and constructive way.
I have seen countless times, a spouse who first came to my office small and scared, leave the marriage with strength and confidence, and even excitement about starting the next leg of their amazing life journey.
I remember about 9 years ago when I needed to make a big life changing decision. I knew I needed to decide whether or not to leave my safe, predictable law position or go and start my own firm, practicing in a way that felt aligned with my values. But there were so many uncertainties about making the change. So I maintained the status quo longer than planned because I needed to get to the place of being ready to take that next step. And sometimes circumstances push us to a place of being ready before we were planning on it.
This is what happens when people divorce. Usually, one spouse has been contemplating the idea longer than the other and when they make the decision to move forward with divorce, their spouse is not at the same place of readiness. And when people decide to get a divorce, wanting it over sooner rather than later is what many people want. But paying attention to where your partner is in readiness, can make all the difference between a good divorce and a bad divorce. This is something you have influence over. Giving your spouse a chance to “catch up” and come to terms with the end of the relationship means they will be able to move forward with less resentment, anger and sadness. And those emotions in a divorce do not make for smooth sailing for you or your children. If you want a peaceful divorce, readiness is your first opportunity to begin that process.
There are things that you can do to move things forward that you can discuss with your attorney, while your soon-to-be ex catches up, like researching your divorce process options (i.e., Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, etc.), gathering necessary documents, working with a therapist, or exploring separating. But to push them into a process before they are ready, can end up being a disastrous decision. Giving them time, can be the best thing you do for yourself and your family as a whole. This is the difference between being penny-wise and pound-foolish and having a no-court divorce.
If I had been forced to start my practice before I was ready, I might have chosen to do a different area of law; not found my great office space; and possibly made unwise financial decisions, rather than practicing Collaborative Family Law (something that I truly enjoy doing) in an office that feels safe and comfortable to my clients. Being ready made all the difference for me.
People that face divorce often describe feeling caught between two powerful motivators. On the one hand, they often feel they will need to “play hardball” in order to make sure they get the settlement they deserve. On the other hand, they know that an acrimonious divorce could damage their children, their integrity and their financial stability.
What most people do not know is that you do not need to choose between a peaceful solution and getting a better outcome. In fact, you can actually protect yourself more effectively through well planned civil negotiating methods. Hiring an attorney to play hardball in divorce court almost always backfires in divorce court.
More than 95% of all divorce cases end in a settlement rather than a trial. Therefore, it is most effective to think of the divorce process as a exercise in getting your spouse to “say yes” to your most important goals.
It is important to think about the technique that is most likely to get your spouse to “say yes” to the things that matter the most to you. Playing “hardball” is generally a strategy of having your attorney make aggressive arguments. While that might, on the surface, seem like what you want your attorney to do, is this really likely to work? How often have you seen arguments cause your spouse to change his or her mind? Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court, like most arguments in the kitchen, generally just lead to more arguments and aggression.
There is an old saying that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, which, of course means that you get better agreements through smart civil tactics. This saying is even more true in the divorce world where aggressive “vinegar” arguments are nearly certain to create an emotional response that will simply lead to more arguments.
Does being civil during divorce mean that you simply need to give in to everything your spouse wants? To the contrary; civility does not mean weakness and, in divorce, you can seek advocacy without stirring up acrimony. One way that is growing rapidly around the world, is a method called Collaborative Practice where you and your spouse hire attorneys and other professionals who focus on settlement only and who help both spouses find better outcomes. This gives you the opportunity to have someone “advocate” for you in a way that is far more likely to protect your interests.