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MTI Automotive Egypt | JLR Family Day Event | Cars & CigarsNo matter when a divorce commences, it is practically inevitable that there will be at least one special event—a child’s birthday, a graduation, a holiday, a family reunion—that occurs during the divorce process. Determining how to celebrate such events can add stress to an already difficult situation. It is understandably the case that many divorcing parents are not ready, willing or able to jointly plan or celebrate a family event, and they should not feel pressured to do so.  Children will feel supported by parents who succeed in keeping them at the center and out of the middle, and that alone is a huge accomplishment.  Despite how parents feel about each other, their children should experience freedom to enjoy special events and celebrations planned by each parent. Parents should be supported and encouraged to coordinate and alternate the hosting of special events for their children with as much courtesy and good will as possible. But what about divorcing parents who are not in high conflict and are generally co-parenting well?  Sometimes parents can feel pressured by cultural expectations about what should happen in a divorce, e.g. divorcing parents should have separate birthday celebrations for their kids; divorcing parents should not jointly host a graduation party; soon to be ex-in-laws should not be invited to an extended family gathering at the other parent’s home. Many parents opt to redefine cultural expectations regarding divorce, especially those that would limit their ability to jointly and positively celebrate milestones, holidays and birthdays with and for their children.  These parents are able to create an environment in which their kids can relax and enjoy jointly celebrated events.  As a neutral child specialist in Collaborative Practice, I have learned that many children value whole family celebrations despite parents getting unmarried. Some parents have asked me if their kids may misperceive joint celebrations as a sign their parents are reuniting, but that is unlikely to happen if parents explain the situation clearly.  “We have always enjoyed celebrating special times together with you, and we will continue to do this once in a while.  This doesn’t mean we’re going to get married again, but it does mean we love being your mom and dad.” I will never forget the little boy who told me, “You know the twinkle in their eyes that parents get when their son comes down the stairs on Christmas morning?  I’m sad that both my parents won’t get to have that this year.”  When his divorcing parents heard their son’s words, it was an easy decision for them to celebrate Christmas morning together that year.
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Yoga - Tree poseWelcome! Namaste, as they often say at the beginning and ending of Yoga classes. If you are going through a divorce or separation, one of the best pieces of non-legal advice I can give you is to take up Yoga (or reengage with your existing practice with renewed determination). Now, you may be wondering: “What in the world is the connection between divorce or separation and Yoga?” Well, Yoga can help fight stress, depression and anxiety, among other health benefits, which are common health and wellness issues to address when you experience conflict in your life. As a Collaborative Practice Lawyer and Family Mediator, who works in the middle of family conflict on a daily basis, I have benefited from practicing Yoga as a means to reduce my stress level, to increase my resiliency to stressful situations and to improve my overall fitness level. If it works for the professionals you are working with, it could just as easily work for you. I recommend Yoga to anyone going through divorce or other family conflict or significant life transition.  Yoga just provides a nice mix of low-impact physical movement and increased stress resilience. There are many different types of Yoga, but in most western Yoga studios, Yoga practice is about connecting with your physical and mental self.  There is a focus on being mindful of your breathing and feedback from your body as you move through the poses or as you simply sit or lay still.  It often incorporates a portion of meditation practice that teaches us to observe our thoughts non-judgmentally which helps us further observe our physical reaction to our thoughts and feelings and, as a benefit, to feel less negative physical reactions to stress. To learn more about Yoga, you may want to check out your local Yoga studio(s), which you can find by Googling Yoga and looking through the local results.  Also look online at Yoga Journal.  I am a subscriber of Yoga Journal and have copies on-hand at my office for clients.  For my own personal practice, I’ve been very tempted to try out streaming online classes from myonlineyoga.com, which has a huge selection of classes and has a very low monthly cost. It goes without saying that it is incredibly helpful to be able to maintain a sense of calm during tense discussions (yes, even in Collaborative Practice!) about important things such as parenting schedules for the kids and different options for dividing assets and debts.  What if you could do a better job of keeping your cool and keeping your focus on your long-term goals and concerns, instead of how mad you are about what your spouse just said? Give Yoga a try.  Namaste.
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You catch more flies with honey than with vinegarPeople that face divorce often describe feeling caught between two powerful motivators.  On the one hand, they often feel they will need to “play hardball” in order to make sure they get the settlement they deserve. On the other hand, they know that an acrimonious divorce could damage their children, their integrity and their financial stability. What most people do not know is that you do not need to choose between a peaceful solution and getting a better outcome.   In fact, you can actually protect yourself more effectively through well planned civil negotiating methods.   Hiring an attorney to play hardball in divorce court almost always backfires in divorce court. More than 95% of all divorce cases end in a settlement rather than a trial.   Therefore, it is most effective to think of the divorce process as a exercise in getting your spouse to “say yes” to your most important goals. It is important to think about the technique that is most likely to get your spouse to “say yes” to the things that matter the most to you.  Playing “hardball” is generally a strategy of having your attorney make aggressive arguments.  While that might, on the surface, seem like what you want your attorney to do, is this really likely to work?  How often have you seen arguments cause your spouse to change his or her mind?  Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court,  like most arguments in the kitchen, generally just lead to more arguments and aggression. There is an old saying that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, which, of course means that you get better agreements through smart civil tactics.  This saying is even more true in the divorce world where aggressive “vinegar” arguments are nearly certain to create an emotional response that will simply lead to more arguments. Does being civil during divorce mean that you simply need to give in to everything your spouse wants?  To the contrary; civility does not mean weakness and, in divorce, you can seek advocacy without stirring up acrimony.  One way that is growing rapidly around the world, is a method called Collaborative Practice where you and your spouse hire attorneys and other professionals who focus on settlement only and who help both spouses find better outcomes.  This gives you the opportunity to have someone “advocate” for you in a way that is far more likely to protect your interests.
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Where should I sit? This is a common thought walking into any new room.  This is especially true if you are involved in a legal discussion and emotions are high. In a memorable Collaborative Practice training I attended a couple years ago, the instructor encouraged us to think about conference room space at our respective offices.  We were to think about our seating space from the perspective of a client and also from the perspective of the other participants.  We had a thorough discussion on the pros and cons of where to park various participants and a role-play about seating; who should sit where?  Why? It is a little like solving a puzzle, trying to find the best seating position to attain a comfortable and effective discussion. Should the attorneys sit next to each other and the clients sit next to each other?  Should it be grouped by attorney-client pairs on each side of a table?  Should the clients sit across the table from one another?  Is it better to have the clients sit directly across or diagonal from one another? Does this sound like what you would think a group of attorneys would get together to talk about?  No, this type of discussion is way outside the realm of traditional litigation-based attorney training.  This is the Collaborative way of thinking. Collaborative Attorneys and other Collaborative team members are trained and experienced in thinking not just about the legal aspects of a case, but also the non-legal aspects of the client experience. Seating at a group meeting is just one example. It is quite simple:  when people are comfortable, they are better able to think with a clear head.  These non-legal factors in the client experience play an important part in negotiating successful and durable settlements. It is common for attorneys to say that most of family law is not about the law.  What they mean is that the law is only part of the equation and that emotions and other factors play a major role in resolving a case.  Collaborative teams are uniquely trained to think about and value these non-legal factors in helping their clients negotiate legal solutions.