People who are facing divorce after many years of marriage, or just later in life, face unique challenges. They are less connected by the need to provide daily care and financial support for their children. They also may be facing other life changes such as upcoming retirement or increasing health concerns (and costs!) as they age. Sometimes this has been called The Graying of Divorce.
According to Mayoclinic.org, “Empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. Instead, empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.” It is a life transition where spouses can take a step back and look at how their lives are progressing. As part of this process of reflection, they may say to themselves: “I’ve put up with this long enough!” Alternatively, it might be a time when couples take advantage of having more time to explore new interests and activities to share together.
A process that can be helpful to those considering divorce or separation is called Discernment Counseling. Discernment Counseling is different than regular couples counseling because–instead of just focusing on helping the marriage relationship–it focuses on deciding whether the marriage should be worked on or whether divorce or separation should be pursued. The University of Minnesota has a Discernment Counseling project has a helpful website that you may want to visit if you want to learn more about Discernment Counseling.
If divorce is the path chosen, Collaborative Divorce is often a perfect option as it can help increase communication and mutual respect to the benefit of both spouses (and grown children!). A neutral financial professional can analyze retirement cash flow and budgets, including tax implications of withdrawing retirement funds. Empty Nest divorces have their own unique challenges. They also are an opportune time to be able to enter a process that the older divorcing couple can be proud of in creating a respectful transition to separate living and ending of their marriage.
The beginning of a new school year is all about the juxtaposition of continuity and change. We all remember the mix of excitement, anxiety, hope and worry that accompany this time of transition for children. Parents want their kids to settle in safely and achieve success, while kids count on their parents’ support.
For many children, the changes marking the new school year are not only teacher, grade, classroom and classmates, but changes in their families because of divorce. Here are seven tips for co-parents to support their children in this situation:
- Let your child know that you have contacted trusted adults at school (teacher, social worker, principal) to let them know about the family change, and have done so in a calm and respectful way. Tell your child it is important that trusted adults at school know because they care about your child and will be available to offer empathy and support as needed. Reassure your child that family information will be kept confidential by these trusted adults, and it is your child’s choice about whether and when to share information with classmates.
- Explore possible school-based resources for children whose parents are divorced. Many schools offer specialized support groups as well as individual counseling resources for kids.
- Participate in beginning of school activities with your child as fully as possible. Express interest, encouragement and enthusiasm for this important part of your child’s life.
- Establish routines that will support your child in homework completion, having family meals and getting to bed on time. Be sure to share information with your co-parent regarding school projects and homework assignments that will need to be worked on in both homes so your child experiences continuity of support.
- If your child participates in sports or other extracurricular activities and depends on parent involvement, be sure to arrange transportation and other logistics in advance so your child doesn’t worry. If there are multiple children in a family, this often requires co-parent cooperation.
- Establish a joint online family calendar for scheduling child-centered events. This is an effective way for co-parents to remain in the loop regarding activities for their children.
- If your children are experiencing transitions between homes as part of your parenting plan, be aware that they will benefit from your patience and empathy in this process. Help them get organized, and be supportive rather than critical if they forget something at the other parent’s home. It’s a big learning curve for kids.
If you have created an estimated monthly budget for your new household after a divorce, know that it will likely change down the road. You may discover after a few months that your spending estimates were unrealistic in some areas while other areas of spending were surprising or unexpected. Here are some tips for projecting your expenses realistically into the future.
Plan for car purchases.
Even if you don’t have a car payment now, you’ll need to replace your car at some point. Consider including a figure in your projected expenses for “car savings.” If you usually keep a car for eight to 10 years and think you’ll spend about $25,000 on a new vehicle, save $260 a month to buy a newer car for cash when the time comes. This means no new car payment, but you’ll have a new vehicle! If you purchase cars more often, factor in the sale or trade-in of your existing car when determining how much to save.
Keep up with car maintenance.
The older the car you have, the more money you should set aside for unexpected repairs as well as maintenance. Maintenance could include oil changes, replacing tires, fixing brakes, tune-ups and other recommended inspections. Regular maintenance will help your car last longer too.
Escrow for home repairs.
A good rule of thumb for home maintenance costs is to escrow 1 to 2 percent of the value of your home each year. A home valued at $300,000, for example, could have annual maintenance costs of $3,000 to $6,000. Costs will be on the higher end for older homes or maintenance you will hire out.
Maintenance could include:
- Replacing the roof, siding or windows
- Caring for lawn and garden, landscaping, drainage
- Fixing and replacing appliances
- Repairs to plumbing or electrical
- Cleaning and replacing carpets
- Painting
- Pool maintenance
- Small maintenance for light bulbs, furnace filters, etc.
In Part I we learned that “rights-based” advocacy in the Court Model is hard on the problem but also hard on the people. Advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model is also hard on the problem, but SOFT on the people. How is this possible?
In the Collaborative Model, the parties voluntarily agree to reach a settlement outside of court. Thus the 3rd party decision-maker, e.g., the judge, is removed from the collaborative process. Instead, the decision-maker is the parties themselves!
Why are less and less couples getting married? Is it because their parent’s marriages failed? Is it because they don’t see any benefit to marriage? Is it because every wedding appears to be a $20,000 extravagant country club affair?
Maybe, as was written in a recent New York Times article, “…marriage has gone from being a way that people pulled their lives together to something they agree to once they have already done that independently.”
There are several problems with this way of thinking.
One is that children don’t wait for marriage. More and more children are born outside of marriage. This is a problem if the parents separate without ever marrying, because then (at least in Minnesota) the father has no enforceable legal rights to parenting time until he spends a significant amount of time and money to get a judge to order that he can have parenting time with the child. This is true regardless of whether the father has raised the child jointly with the mother since the child’s birth. This is a bad deal for both the father and the child as it typically significantly interrupts their relationship and causes unwarranted stress on the child.
Another reason is that marriage is a financial life jacket in terms of protections for the lower earning spouse and a fair division of the assets accumulated during the marriage. This is one reason same-sex couples had been yearning for the protection of marriage until it became the law in Minnesota in 2013. Same-sex couples were not entitled to a fair division of the house or their partner’s retirement account, without access to the institution of marriage.
Because it is risky financially to accumulate assets together before marriage and because marriage helps protect the father-child relationship for the benefit of child, it is risky business to delay marriage if you are having a child together or are otherwise in a committed relationship. 
It is not uncommon for parents to disagree on school choice. Sometimes parents have differing opinions on the curriculum of a school or certain teachers or even location or class schedule. When children are at natural school moves (such as entering junior high or high school), additional changes need to be made.
When parents are divorced, these decisions can often be even more difficult. In addition to deciding what’s best for the children, emotions and challenging communication can make the decisions even harder. Sometimes it is good to look at the practical and logical considerations to help make these joint decisions. Here are some specific considerations in a school decision:
- If it is not a natural school change point, how well do the children deal with change? Do they make friends easily? Do they know anyone at the potential new school? Are there specific elements of the new school that would be particularly enjoyable for the child (such as an orchestra or specific extra curricular activity)?
- How well does the new school deal with change? Do they have programs in place to integrate transfer students into school? Is there anyone who has transferred into the school recently that you or the children could talk to in order to prepare? Could the school assign your children mentors or buddies to help them feel more comfortable if they transfer?
- How would a school change impact parenting time? Will both parents still have meaningful time with the children?
- Should the children have some say in this decision? Junior high and high school students may want to visit potential schools and provide some input on the change.
The psychologist Anthony Wolf wrote a book about divorce and kids entitled Why Do You Have to Get a Divorce? And Can I Still Get a Hamster? I love the title of this book, because it identifies both the big picture concerns and the day to day questions children will have about how their lives will change when parents get unmarried.
At this time of year, most elementary school aged children, and some older kids too, become excited about Halloween. Though it has deep roots in ancient cultural traditions, in today’s American culture Halloween is truly the children’s holiday. Kids love to dress up and pretend, and most are thrilled to go trick or treating or attend special events and come back with a stash of treats. Some kids plan their Halloween costumes for months in advance, and it’s not uncommon for homes to be extensively decorated with more than just jack-o-lanterns.
Holidays are usually difficult times for families experiencing divorce, about which I have written earlier. I am focusing on Halloween in this October blog post because this uniquely children’s holiday is right around the corner. Here are four tips for creating a positive experience for your children:
- Manage your expectations so your kids can manage theirs. This may not be the year that Mom will be able to spend hours at the sewing machine making elaborate homemade costumes. But it may be the year that your kids have a friendly competition for who can make the most creative costume out of things already in the closets, drawers and attics at home. If your child has his or her heart set on getting a particular costume, and you want to honor this dream, be sure to budget for the purchase of the costume.
- Ask your kids what is most important to them about Halloween and focus your energy accordingly. This often requires co-parent cooperation, for which your kids will be grateful If their favorite part is carving pumpkins, make this activity as festive as possible, and be sure to take lots of pictures to send to your co-parent if s/he is not participating. If the high point is trick or treating, decide in advance whether one or both parents will be responsible for taking them out and whether one parent will stay behind to hand out treats. If you are separated, decide in advance which neighborhood is likely to be the most fun for trick or treating this year, and go from there.
- Rely on your support system. Trick or treating or going to a Halloween event with neighbors, friends or cousins can help create a fun experience for your kids if your own energy is depleted.
- Determine co-parenting ground rules for how to handle the stash of treats, e.g. how much can be right away and how the remainder will be saved and distributed. Work this out in advance so your children will not be in the middle of a parental argument on Halloween .
When you find out your son or daughter is getting a divorce, your first thought will often be about their children; your grandchildren. How will the children be affected by all of this? And how can you help; or avoid hurting the situation?
During the 31 years I have been working with divorcing families, I have seen situations where the grandparents have really helped their children and grandchildren though a difficult time. Sadly however, I have witnessed far more situations where they grandparents have, without realizing it, actually make the divorce more difficult for their grandchildren.
You may be wondering; how can this be? What type of person would actually make the divorce more difficult for their grandchildren? Believe it or not, it can happen to the very best grandparents without them even realizing it. Here are the two common mistakes that grandparents make:
- Facilitating a War by Creating a War Chest. Divorce is expensive, and your children may turn to you to help with the legal fees. If you have the capacity to help, it would seem, at least on the surface, to be the right thing to do to provide them with funding, at least in the form of a loan. While the financial assistance is sometimes helpful, sometimes it can actually add to the conflict. The thing that damages children the most is generally the conflict that so often happens when one or both parents are angry, sad or scared. If your children have enough funding, they can sometimes carry out the conflict through attorneys. If their funds are limited, the may be forced to look past the emotions and find solutions. When I litigated divorces (something I can no longer stomach), some of the nastiest custody fights were funded by grandparents. All of the grandparents thought they were helping out their grandchildren. Usually they only perpetuated a fight.
- “Supporting” your child by reaffirming the evilness of their spouse. The emotions of divorce create distortions. The wonderful son-in-law that you heard about for the past 15 years, is now portrayed by your daughter as a monster. As you hear the stories of how badly he is behaving, you are aghast and quickly run to her support by suddenly remembering things that you never really liked about him. It may be that your son-in-law was not as great as you thought; and it may be that the divorce is bringing out his worst behavior. However, it is possible, (maybe even likely) that you are getting a distorted picture of this person and, adding to the distortion, (which can happen instinctively) may cause damage to the only father your grandchildren will ever know.
Potential divorce clients often ask, how much does a collaborative divorce cost? Great question, it differs with each case and is dependent on clients and their level of conflict regardless of process. The more conflict a couple brings to any divorce process the more expensive it will be. Bottom line, conflict is expensive. Butting heads together to argue positions vs. putting heads together to solve problems will always increase costs. In a collaborative divorce, we focus on putting heads together which should decrease costs.
As a financial neutral in the collaborative process, I have given this cost question serious thought. I wrestle with how you define cost. Do we measure cost only in terms of dollars and cents or is there something beyond the almighty dollar? I think the latter.
I remember a couple who owned a business that I worked with in a collaborative divorce. By simply suggesting an alternative to using retirement fund money (client plan) to pay off a rather large debt, I was able to save them about $9,000 in income taxes. I seriously doubt anyone other than a well-trained financial professional would have noticed this.
What about the cost savings of better-adjusted children of divorce because of their parents taking a higher road with less tension and conflict allowing both parents to effectively co-parent to create and environment where children are not placed in the middle of parental conflict? What about the cost of the stress and delays that typically occur with a traditional court based divorce? How do you place a number on the cost of destroyed relationships with spouses, children, extended family members such as in-laws and friends? How can one put a dollar value on these?
Theoretically, a collaborative divorce should cost less. Attorney involvement in a collaborative divorce is typically less than in a traditional court based model. This occurs since other professionals, usually at lower hourly rates, provide many services historically provided by attorneys.
Some attorneys choose not to become collaborative divorce practitioners because of this. Some traditional court based attorneys will say they do not believe that it is in the best interest of their client to have to withdraw from representing their client if the case does not settle in the collaborative process. The withdrawal provision if a case should go to court, is a key feature of collaborative divorce because it places everyone’s focus and interests, attorneys and clients, on finding solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both spouses and their children instead of arguing positions ad infinitum. This committed agreement for attorneys and clients to settle is, in my opinion, a good thing for divorcing spouses. It helps provide the framework for a less costly divorce and as I said earlier, I am not talking only about money.
One of my goals working with couples or individuals is to reduce their divorce costs whenever and wherever we can so the family can keep more of its hard-earned money. One very simple illustration of how a financial neutral helps lower costs is in gathering financial information necessary for any divorce. It works like this. The financial neutral gathers All the financial documents from the clients that attorneys will ultimately need such as ALL assets and liability account statements including bank and credit card statements, non-retirement investments and savings, pension and retirement accounts, real estate documents, business documents if any, tax returns, pay check stubs etc.
The financial neutral then, organizes and presents all of this information to both attorneys. Contrast this with each client having to provide all of this information to each of their attorneys. Attorneys usually have the highest hourly rates. Rather than paying two attorneys the couple pays, one financial professional, to perform this function. This one-step in the process can easily save a couple up to two thousand dollars.
When minor children are involved, a neutral child specialist will meet with the parents to help them create parenting plans that are in the best interest of the child. The child specialist usually conducts these meetings without an attorney present.
A neutral coach, when engaged by a couple, meets with the clients without attorneys to facilitate communication plans throughout the divorce process and looking ahead in the couple’s relationship post divorce.
The child specialist and neutral coaches typically have the lowest hourly rates in the process of all professionals. Sometimes clients choose not to hire a neutral coach. In my experience, having a coach on board can help decrease tension and improve communication between spouses during the process. Less tension and conflict should lead to lower cost and more importantly stronger relationships post divorce.
Well, I really have not given you a definitive answer on how much a collaborative divorce costs, because I cannot. Every couple and family is unique. Couples themselves determine, often unconsciously, how much their divorce will cost. Cost is directly a function of the level of conflict they bring into and maintain throughout the process.
Ultimately, I think it boils down to what the couple wants. If they want a largely attorney driven process and someone else to make decisions for them about their children and their future then perhaps the more traditional court based process is for them. If on the other hand the couple wants to have less attorney involvement, make decisions for themselves and their children instead of someone else deciding then a collaborative divorce may be a better choice.
If I could leave you with anything from this post, it would be to remember theoretically a collaborative divorce should cost less and that cost is more than just money. You control your journey and your destination. Choose wisely. 
Remember that old rhyme from childhood, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage”? Some things are just part of life and are simply inevitable. People will fall in love. People will join together in relationships. These are all positive, great things. Unfortunately, people—whether gay or straight—all have struggles in life and relationships. Inevitably, when Minnesota granted same-sex couples the right to marry, it was inevitable that same-sex divorces would happen, just as opposite-sex divorces happen. Gay couples who married before marriage was legal in Minnesota—whether they became married in another state or, because Minnesota borders with Canada, often in another country—may now face the need to obtain a divorce. If a gay couple separates and does not intend to share their lives together going forward, they should strongly consider finalizing their separation by obtaining a legal divorce in Minnesota.
I have run into Minnesota gay couples who had no idea that they are now legally married. This viewpoint may be especially common for those couples who married in Canada years ago and then separated long before marriage was legal in Minnesota. For better or worse (pun intended), those couples continue to be married and need to divorce in order to clear up the division of their marital assets and debts. If they have children in common by adoption they need to determine their rights and responsibilities as to those children. Even if there is a non-joint child, which is common in same-sex marriages, the “non-parent” may be able to establish legally enforceable rights to visitation because of their significant connection with that child. Again, this is even though they are not legally “their” child. Because marriage creates an interest in real property (houses, etc.), the residence that the couple lived in or any other land and any mortgages (and any other debts) need to be addressed in the divorce.
Before same-sex marriage was legal in Minnesota, it was difficult for same-sex couples to form legally enforceable rights and responsibilities related to a committed relationship. Perhaps that is why some same-sex couples have a hard time believing that they now must use the legal system to fully end their marriage relationship.
By the way, I understand that Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for those who don’t follow popular culture!) had declared they wouldn’t get married until same sex couples everywhere could get married…but apparently they couldn’t wait, because they were recently married. Well, my theory is that they had to wait until Minnesota made same-sex marriage legal (it just took a year to plan the wedding)!
Without getting divorced, a gay couple may find out later, to their surprise, that one of the pair is making a claim to part of the other’s retirement account or is holding up the sale or transfer of property that was owned during the marriage, because simply living separately doesn’t resolve all these issues. I expect that many same-sex couples will be unpleasantly surprised later in life that when they hear that they have to share their retirement with a partner from long ago that they never intended to share their retirement account with. Or, an inheritance may be held up–or never received as expected by a son or daughter–because of a claim for all or a share of the estate of a deceased same-sex spouse.
These are topics that are addressed well in the Collaborative Process because they can be approached from a perspective of respect and honoring of the love that the couple previously shared, while laying a foundation for future separate lives. Now that same-sex marriage is legal Minnesota, same-sex couples may likely find that the Collaborative Divorce process provides the proper legal, financial and other professional supports needed for disentangling the various legal rights and responsibilities incident to ending their legal marriage.