There is a very funny video making the rounds that shows a woman talking to her husband about this mysterious pain in the middle of her forehead. Early in the video we are shown that the pain is being caused by a nail in her forehead. When the husband gently tries to point this out, the woman becomes upset with him for “refusing to listen” and for always “trying to solve the problem.”
The video is really very funny. It is sure to make you laugh; and might even drive home a point. There are several insights to be drawn from this video. I like to focus on this very simple one: Sometimes the causes of our seemingly complex problems are so plain that we need only to look in the mirror. Things that have become complex in our minds are quite obvious to those around us and, if we step back, could become obvious to us as well.
I work with divorcing couples every day who struggle to find their way through difficult issues. While divorce can, of course, present complex issues the bigger challenge is that the emotions surrounding the divorce can be so intense that even simple solutions can seem elusive.
During these painful experiences, our minds can so easily fixate on what other people could do to make things better. Most of my clients are quite skilled at identifying the ways that their spouse could improve their behavior. While their observations may be accurate (at least in part), changing a spouse’s behavior is often beyond our control. Yet, our power to change other things; our own behavior, our attitude, or our ability to accept what is happening in our lives, can often be quite plain to see. Sometimes it is as even as obvious as a nail in our forehead.
I recently saw the new Woody Allen film, Blue Jasmine. It stars Cate Blanchett and Alec Baldwin as a couple who live the high life and then the low life following divorce. The story line and themes in this movie seemed true to me based on my work with many divorcing couples, not just those who are wealthy.
There were the underlying issues in the marriage–the husband’s cheating, both with sexual affairs and financial fraud, and the wife’s complicity through passivity and claimed ignorance (although she knows more than appears). There was denial by both of the problems, which included mental health and drinking issues. For the wife in this movie, her loss of self and identity following the separation and divorce was shattering and, in the end, her emotional choice to revenge resulted in enormous cost and loss to both of them.
I am not saying that all divorces follow all of these themes in this movie. Like an opera, the movie highlights some dramatic truths about human nature and patterns in relationships.
One pattern is that problems during the marriage which have not been addressed can pop up and control the divorce process, sabotaging efforts to reach a settlement. This doesn’t mean that a couple has to “fix” all the troubles leading up to the divorce, but could require acknowledgement of the problems and work toward a future that addresses the realities of their situation. So, for the couple in Blue Jasmine, it would be addressing the mental health needs and possible alcoholism treatment for one or both, college education for wife, and a top notch criminal defense attorney for husband.
The instinct for revenge, which often causes hurt to both in the divorce, can be defused in a collaborative divorce process which focuses on the collective outcome for the family as a whole. In Blue Jasmine, that would include the outcome for their son, who was hurt by the divorce, and for the parents. 
Divorce is never truly good. But a bad divorce can create many years of devastation. If you have a friend or family member approaching divorce it can be difficult to watch the economic and emotional turmoil unfold, particularly if there are children involved. As a friend, or a family member, you want to help; but can you?
In my 30 years as a divorce lawyer, I have seen how friends and family members can provide much needed support and comfort that has helped my divorce clients get through this process in a much healthier way. At the same time, I have often watched well meaning friends and family members give my clients advice that actually made the divorce more adversarial.
If you know someone who is going through divorce and want to help, here are five things to consider.
- Encourage them to seek counseling, if appropriate. Whether they are trying to save the marriage or simply manage the emotional turmoil and grief during this difficult time, a good counselor can be even more important than a divorce attorney. They will soon be making some of the most important decisions in their lives during a time in which their sense of reason and judgment may be impaired by emotions. Getting help with the emotional and psychological aspect of divorce is crucial.
- Give them support and encouragement; but not legal advice. If you have been through a divorce, or have experienced the divorce of close friends, you may be tempted to advise others based on your observed experience. This advice, though well intended, can often be quite harmful.
- Encourage them to truly research their options. Most people rush into divorce without truly understanding their choices. As result they often choose a method that is not the best alternative for their family.
- Help them understand that civility is not weakness. Divorce can create fear and anger that tempt people to seek “a pound of flesh.” Few families can emerge from an adversarial divorce unscathed. Help them understand that resolving their divorce in a civil and respectful manner can actually get them a better outcome.
- Avoid demonizing the spouse. Divorce often creates a delusional reality that causes people to see their spouse in a very negative light. Accepting your friend’s emotionally impacted negative view off their spouse can even seem like the “supportive thing to do.” Usually it simply adds to the misperceptions that make future co-parenting more difficult.
Mindfulness is a concept that has become part of mainstream American culture over the past decade. Hectic lifestyles, information overload and constant distractions have led more of us to look for a way to quiet our minds. In fact, many public schools, professional athletes, large corporations, and even the U. S. military, are using meditation exercises to reduce stress levels.
Divorce is one of life’s most stressful experiences. Often much attention is focused on the past and the future, triggering both unpleasant memories and fearful expectations. As someone who knows first-hand the benefits of daily meditation, I see great value in using mindfulness principles in my Collaborative divorce practice.
Starting the divorce conversation respectfully sets the tone for a more purposeful process. Awareness that the parties are often in different stages of divorce readiness is important. Becoming unmarried may be something that one spouse has contemplated for many years, while the other considers the marriage’s rough spots to be normal. Jointly exploring available divorce process options can also reduce fear and surprise.
Processes emphasizing guided conversations between the parties, such as Collaborative divorce and mediation, reduce the likelihood of miscommunication and empower parties to achieve mutually acceptable solutions. Intentionally choosing the timing and method for divorce together establishes a calmer tone for the road ahead.
Having patience during the process results in healthier outcomes. The strong urge to get things done as quickly as possible is understandable. It seems that the sooner the divorce can be finalized, the sooner life will return to normal. However, the decisions to be made are life changing with long-term impacts on the entire family. Trying to move too quickly can result in replacing one bad situation with another. Slowing down and accepting the divorce experience for what it is can allow for a deeper understanding of the issues involved.
Acknowledging the good and the bad of the marriage without judgment provides valuable insight. Identifying each party’s contributions during the relationship can help the healing process begin. Recognizing one’s own part in the failure of the marriage can provide valuable insight for future relationships. Letting go of bitterness and regret is essential to moving forward in life. For divorcing couples with children, accepting “what is” allows them to redefine their relationship and communicate more effectively in the future.
The ending of a marriage is, unfortunately, an all-too-common event. However, if done mindfully, divorce can be an opportunity for personal transformation and growth.
Collaborative divorce is often considered the “respectful way to divorce.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that the divorce is always amicable (although it can be), it means the divorce is done with grace and courtesy. Here are some (of the many) ways in which collaborative divorce can be respectful.
- Cooperation. Resolutions are reached through cooperation and collaboration. Confrontation is inefficient and usually ineffective – it is therefore not a part of this process.
- Honesty. All information is gathered in collaborative divorce through voluntary, complete, and good faith processes. Clients and professionals work together to make sure everyone has all the information needed to make decisions in their own best interest.
- Input. In a collaborative divorce, all voices are valued and heard. Even if it is hard for a client to express their feelings or thoughts on elements of the divorce, the opinion of everyone is valued. Collaborative professionals help ensure this input.
- Creativity. In collaborative divorce, we know there are no one-size-fits all resolutions. We work together to come up with complete and unique outcomes that fit clients’ lives moving forward.
- Support. Clients are not alone in the collaborative process. Every client has legal support with an attorney. Clients can also have neutral financial and parenting specialists as needed. Mental health professionals are also available in the process to help with the communication and emotional challenges of divorce.
- Values. Collaborative divorce starts with development of goals. All the work and resolutions go towards meeting these goals. Clients’ values and interests are key to the process.
- Health. Divorce ends with a future beginning. The collaborative process keeps the overall health and well-being of the couple and the children at the forefront. That health is a focus throughout the process and moving forward.
The popular media makes a healthy profit on promoting disaster, and casting everything possible in the language of disaster. “Shocking!” and “Horrifying!” are two words we see all too often.
Regarding divorce, the popular media has created disaster myths around such topics as: failure of children (depression, suicide, academic failure, juvenile delinquency), financial failure, higher divorce statistics, etc.
What is the truth? To begin with, the United States divorce rate among the general population has been misinterpreted and exaggerated – it is not 50% and growing, and may in fact be 40% or less. Rates are even lower among college educated couples in the United States and may be less than 30%! This means that the chance for marital success in a second marriage may much higher than you think, especially if college education is factored in. Hollywood celebrities and other limited criteria skew the divorce statistics quoted by the media.
With respect to children, there are few long-term studies about the impact of divorce (specifically, 3 studies in the United States), and they do not determine disaster for children. The most recent studies indicate that it is the level of marital conflict – NOT divorce – which spells failure for children. What are the factors which can impact children in a positive way?
These studies seem to point to two major protective factors:
- Not using the children as message carriers between parents
- Giving the children permission to love both parents, wherever they go in life.
Many people contemplate and give great thought to starting a divorce. A person considering divorce wonders about cost and timing and how to tell their spouse they want to initiate the process. Many attorneys talk about filing papers with the court to start a divorce or serving papers on the other spouse. People also think about how to tell the children or extended family members they want a divorce. Very few people think about how the divorce process ends.
On the one hand, divorce ends with a Judgment from the Court granting the divorce. However, there are many emotional and relational endings to divorce as well. In collaborative divorce, after couples have respectfully worked together to come up with resolutions, the end of the divorce can take many forms. Here are some recent examples of how the collaborative divorce process can end:
- In a particularly challenging case with a lot of anger and distrust, Wife reached across the table at the end to shake her then ex-Husband’s hand. It took a lot of effort to make that gesture, but it was well received by Husband. Years later, Wife told her attorney that the day they signed papers and shook hands was the day they began healing their relationship. For their children’s sake, that handshake started some necessary changes in their relationship. Over time, their co-parenting relationship greatly improved.
- One couple hugged each other at the end of the process. They went out to have a drink together and toast their new beginnings.
- One client was overheard telling her attorney she was “going to miss her” and may need to stop by her office just to catch up. The attorney provided needed support and guidance through this difficult transition and it was hard for the client to say “good-bye” to that support at the end.
- A child specialist sent an email to both parents at the end of the divorce process. The child specialist congratulated the parents for working so hard to come up with resolutions that kept the children at the center of the process (and not in the middle). The child specialist specifically identified strengths and positive characteristics of both parents and their children. He wished them all well and offered to be an ongoing resource if needed. He entitled the email “The Beginning.”
Professionals who work with divorcing couples know that it is rare for couples to be at the same place in terms of deciding whether the marriage needs to end. In almost every case, there is one spouse who has taken more time to think about the life of the marriage and how it may have become damaging to both parents and children.
What are some tips for those who have given the subject a great deal of thought, and think the future could be brighter in two homes?
- Make sure your spouse knows that you have heard their own complaints. On a consistent basis, when they start to complain about your behavior, let them know you understand they are unhappy also, and that you want them to be happy as much as you want to be happy. Life is short, and going around in circles over what can’t be fixed is wasted time. It’s important to acknowledge with respect that you may not be able to meet each other’s needs, even if you were able to do so at one time.
- Do your research. Find ways to approach a potential divorce as positive as possible, and will not end in your family’s ruin. Collaborative Divorce is a professional team approach to solving family differences which focuses on creating the smartest solution possible – with an intentional financial plan, and parenting plan. Find a way to contain the amount of time you need to make decisions, to contain the cost and get the smartest solution possible for your family. Share the positive aspects of your research with your spouse.
- Find a safe place to talk. This may NOT be your kitchen table, or the local coffee shop. It may be in the office of a family specialist with the knowledge and skill to create a therapeutic setting for tough conversations. Talk with respected friends and colleagues who may know a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Social Worker (LICSW), Psychologist (LP) or other mental health professional who understands the dynamics of family systems and has a positive, proven approach.
You are getting ready to tell your spouse about your divorce; Should you get an attorney?
On the one hand, you want to be protected. Going through divorce without an attorney can feel like entering a foreign country without a guide. During this difficult process it seems critical to have someone who is truly on your side.
At the same time, you have a fear that lawyers will stir things up and cause unnecessary acrimony and expense. Lawyers can mean court; and your instincts tell you that going to court, or even threatening court, could turn your divorce into an economic and emotional nightmare.
It would be great if you could have the best of both worlds. It would be wonderful if there was a legal expert on your side who will not stir things up; someone who could be your best friend without becoming your spouse’s worst enemy.
Today, in Minnesota, you have that option. It’s called Collaborative Practice. In Collaborative Practice you hire an attorney for settlement purposes only. Collaborative Attorneys are typically trained in ways to help guide you through your divorce that protect your interests without creating unnecessary acrimony. In a Collaborative case, your attorney and your spouse’s attorney are both prohibited from going to court, or even threatening court.
Collaborative attorneys in your community will also meet with you, at no charge, to explain more about the process and to help you learn more about whether Collaborative Practice is the best choice for you. To find a Collaborative attorney and to set up your free consultation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
I recently met with a man (I’ll call him John) whose wife wanted to divorce. He was very much against ending the marriage. He went to the office of his wife’s attorney presumably to discuss settlement, but instead received his Wife’s proposal for settlement set forth in a Summons and Petition. Over the next six months, he attempted to meet with his wife to discuss her proposal or alternatively what could be done to save the marriage.
Though the couple was “getting along” while continuing to live together, no meeting took place to discuss the divorce or the possibility of reconciliation. When John came to meet with me, a collaborative divorce attorney, he handed me two un-opened letters he recently received from the District Court.
The first was a notice for an Initial Case Management Conference (ICMC) court appearance which he had missed. The second, was a notice for a default hearing the next day to grant the divorce! At issue, was up to $50,000.00 that John would lose if the divorce was granted based on his wife’s proposal in the Petition. Obviously, I advised John to appear at the default hearing and throw himself on the mercy of the court to delay the default hearing so he could participate in the divorce proceeding.
Regardless of whether or not John’s version of the facts are completely accurate, it can be confusing to know if and when a legal proceeding is commenced. In Minnesota, a divorce action is commenced when you are personally “served” with a Summons and Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. “Service” is most frequently accomplished when a person over the age of 18 years old—who is not your spouse—delivers you a copy of a Summons and Petition signed by your spouse, now called the Petitioner. If the Petitioner is represented by an attorney, the documents are also signed by the attorney.
“Service” does not need to be done by the sheriff or police. It is frequently performed by private process servers. It can also be performed by your neighbor or a relative. The documents simply needs to be handed to you by a person over the age of 18 (but not your spouse) who later files an Affidavit with the Court swearing on that date he or she delivered to you a Summons and Petition. Once service on you has been made, the clock starts ticking as to when you must respond to the Petition. If you fail to respond appropriately, the Court can grant the Petitioner a divorce based on the proposal set forth in the Petition.
This is what happened to John. He did not realize he was officially served when the legal assistant at the attorney’s office handed him a Summons and Petition. It was more confusing because the documents were not signed by the wife’s attorney. Instead, the wife signed the documents “pro se”, meaning she was representing herself. It became even more confusing because the parties continued to live together and the wife made no mention that an ICMC court appearance was scheduled.
The wife appeared at the court hearing, but never mentioned to John that he had failed to show up, nor did she mention the default hearing date. Nevertheless, John was at risk of having the divorce granted by the court. Lesson learned: Consult with an attorney if you are not sure a legal action has been commenced and open your mail!
By contrast, this could not happen if John and his wife had agreed to use a collaborative process for their divorce. In a collaborative process, the parties agree to commence the divorce together by signing a Joint Petition. No service is necessary. Everybody knows what is going on. Everybody participates equally in reaching a settlement before the legal documents are drafted and filed with the court.
I have since learned that John appeared in Court at the default hearing. As a result, the Court continued the hearing so that John could participate in the divorce. Whew! That was a close one.