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459360497The world is full of divorce experts willing to give you “free” advice about how to handle your divorce. Divorce is so common today that everyone from your hair stylist to your parents are likely to have advice about how you should handle your divorce. There are several reasons why this amateur advice is almost always detrimental. Here are just a few:
  1. Lacking Context. The opinions that most people have about how to divorce is significantly biased by a small slice of information that is out of context. A divorce usually involves numerous issues. It is very difficult to know how one issue should be handled without having a thorough understanding of all of the other issues. Skilled divorce attorneys can help put these issues in context in ways that will help you get a better settlement.
  2. Emotional enmeshment. Many of your friends or families members may have an emotional reaction to your divorce that will alter their advice. Often that emotional reaction triggers a desire to protect you by urging you to take a more aggressive stance. This generally leads to stirring up acrimony that will actually make it more difficult for you to achieve your highest goals.
The Solution: Be wary of free advice. Make a distinction between the people in your life who can advise you and the people in your life who can provide you with personal or emotional support. All people going through divorce can use emotional and personal support to help them through a difficult time. Reach out to your friends and family to provide you with that emotional support and ask them to refrain from providing legal advice. At the same time, you should thoroughly research attorneys and even interview several people to find a good fit, and then select an attorney that you truly trust. Once you find a qualified professional that you trust to give legal advice, rely on the advice you are purchasing, rather than the free advice from friends and family members. To find attorneys to interview and to explain your options, go to www.collaborativepractice.org and www.divorcechoice.com.
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1. Forcing Your Kids to Take Sides The last thing a parent wants to do during a divorce is to cause more pain for the children. Divorce is a painful time during which many negative emotions can arise, including anger, fear, regret and grief. Often there is a perceived need to blame the other party for one’s unhappiness, together with a desire to hold your children close. However, keep in mind that putting your kids in the middle is harmful to them. Resist the urge to blame and criticize your spouse in your kids’ presence. Don’t force your kids to take sides or to report on the other parent’s activities. No matter how difficult it may seem, the best thing you can do for your kids during a divorce is to remind them that both of their parents love them and will always be there for them. 2. Engaging in an Adversarial Divorce Divorce is a major life event. It is the legal recognition that your marriage is over. Unless your situation is unusually simple (short marriage with no children and few assets and liabilities), each party should have an attorney to provide advice and to make sure that the required documentation is accurate and complete. For most couples, the divorce process can be completed without setting foot in a courthouse. Using skilled neutrals in the Collaborative Process or mediation helps to avoid the polarization that often takes place in more adversarial processes. Better post-divorce communication, lower divorce costs and less resentment are other benefits of no-court divorce processes. 3. Having Unrealistic Financial Expectations Divorce means creating two households in place of one. Most couples are struggling to make ends meet before separation. Creating a plan to support both households can be challenging. Unless income can be increased, down-sizing and belt-tightening are often required. There must also be a plan to pay divorce costs. Understanding these challenges going into divorce can provide both parties with a reality check and allow the divorce process to go more quickly and smoothly. 4. Forgetting to Consider Tax Implications Many of the financial decisions made in divorce have tax consequences, some more obvious than others. When dividing marital assets, it is important to recognize that some assets may actually be worth less than face value due to future income tax liabilities. Most retirement accounts, for example, have been funded with pre-tax earnings, meaning that withdrawals will be taxed and, depending upon the timing, may have early-withdrawal penalties as well. Stock portfolios will likely be subject to capital gains taxes upon liquidation. On the cash flow side, dependency exemptions and characterization of support payments (child support or spousal maintenance) impact the amount of after-tax cash each party has available to meet living expenses. It is essential to get competent advice during the divorce process in order to avoid unexpected surprises down the road.
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Selling a home is stressful. Getting divorced is stressful. Combining the two events can seem extremely daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are five staging tips to ensure quicker, higher offers on your home.
  1. Curb Appeal. The outside of your home is the first impression a buyer will have. Keep the lawn mowed, and shrubs and flower beds cared for. A well maintained lawn and some fresh flowers can go a long way. If the outside maintenance was previously your ex’s responsibility, consider whether this is something you are able to take care of yourself or if you will need to hire out. With winter in the Midwest on the approach take snow removal into consideration as well.
  2. De-clutter. A divorce is a good time to de-clutter all areas of your home. Since you will be splitting up belongings anyhow, now is a great time to de-clutter, sell, donate and start fresh with only the clothing, furniture and decor that you truly utilize. Online garage sales are all the rave right now for selling belongings. A good rule of thumb is if you don’t want to move it, get rid of it now. Going through drawers and storage spaces to get rid of junk is one part of de-cluttering, but also removing items like small appliances and magazines from the countertops creates a cleaner looking spaces.
  3. Remove personal items. You have probably already began to do this as those old family photos might not be as appealing to have on your walls after your spouse has moved out. There are different schools of thought on this and your realtor will likely have their own opinion, but your tasteful, professional photos of the kids don’t necessarily have to go. Removing personal items can also help you begin to detach yourself from the house. Don’t forget to tuck away personal care items in your bathroom, which will simplify your countertops.
  4. Create neutral spaces. Pick up a paintbrush and tone down any bold color choices in favor of a more natural palette. The mustard yellow accent wall in your kitchen or those bubble gum pink walls in your daughter’s room may appeal to you, but toning them down will make your house more palatable for potential buyers and they will be able to envision their decor and taste in the house. Consider rearranging and/or removing some furniture to create more visually open and appealing spaces. If your ex is going to benefit from the sale of your home, be sure to discuss their involvement in the painting and handiwork as well.
  5. Lastly, consider the appeal your home has on the senses. What does it smell like? Avoid spray scents and instead bake bread or cookies. Open the blinds and curtains to let light in. Turn on the lights. Consider the temperature inside of your home. Whether it is summer or winter choose a temperature that is comfortable and invites people to stay and look at your home.
In addition to these staging tips you may want to consider having your home professionally staged. A survey from the National Association of Realtors found that the average staging investment is 1-3 percent of the home’s asking price, which generates a home staging return on investment of 8-10 percent. Discuss with your realtor if professional home staging is something you should consider, but don’t skip out on these five tips which are crucial to home selling!
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82830939In Part I we learned that “rights-based” advocacy in the Court Model is hard on the problem but also hard on the people. Advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model is also hard on the problem, but SOFT on the people. How is this possible? In the Collaborative Model, the parties voluntarily agree to reach a settlement outside of court. Thus the 3rd party decision-maker, e.g., the judge, is removed from the collaborative process. Instead, the decision-maker is the parties themselves!

Circle Diagram for Collab Model 082814

In order to reach a settlement, the parties must consider and honor the other party’s perspective. In the Collaborative Model, advocacy is not about the position a client takes on a particular issue, but about meeting the future needs, interests, and goals that are defined by the couple themselves. By framing the problem in terms of needs, interests and goals, parties are likely to see their dispute as a mutual problem that they must work together to solve. They now answer the question: how do we both get our needs and interests met? How does our family get its needs and interests met? Advocacy in the Collaborative Model encourages parties to look behind their opposed positions to determine the motivating interests. In doing so, the parties often find alternative solutions that meet the needs of both sides. Collaborative advocacy pays attention to balance, listening and being creative. Collaborative advocacy creates an incentive to work together, acknowledge the other, to be authentic and realistic. This kind of collaboration can occur only in an atmosphere that is respectful, transparent, and mutual; and one that incentivizes caring about the other party’s point of view with the removal of the 3rd party decision-maker. While being hard on the problem and soft on the people seems to be a contradiction, it is this contradiction that promotes better settlements and preserves needed relationships. Who knew that removing the 3rd party decision-maker could make such a difference! In Part III, I will explore how the power of neutrality is the secret sauce to a successful collaborative divorce.
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140196937Parties going through a divorce need to understand that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model and advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model are different; and advocacy in each of these models feels different as well.  Bear with me while I examine Advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model in Part I in preparation for discussing advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model in Part II followed by the “power of neutrality” in Part III.   Trust me, this is interesting. In a rights-based model, “rights” are independent standards of fairness or legitimacy that are formally established in law or contract.  Usually different rights or entitlements are at stake in a particular case.  Here, each party and their attorney is playing to the decision-maker, e.g., the judge, or playing to a prediction of what the decision-maker would decide based on application of the law to the facts of the case.

Diagram - Advocacy in Rights-based Model 082814

In this case, neither party cares much about the other party’s point of view.  What matters is what the judge thinks or is predicted to think.  “Rights-based” advocacy focuses on winning and losing and defending positions, and frequently emphasizes past events.  The relationship between the parties is likely to become more adversarial, the parties becoming opponents interacting in an accusatory atmosphere.  While advocacy in this model is hard on the problem, it is also hard on the parties. A rights-based model can sometimes accomplish what an interest-based model cannot—bring an end to the divorce.  There will always be parties and problems that cannot be resolved without a 3rd party decision-maker making a final decision or threatening to make a final decision for the parties.  But for many families, a rights-based procedure is not necessary.   A rights-based procedure should be a last resort rather than a first resort. That was pretty interesting, right?  In Part II, I will examine advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model and how the removal of the 3rd party decision-maker makes all the difference.  In Part III, the power of neutrality is shown to be the secret ingredient to advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model.
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177884875The kids might not be the only ones headed back to school this fall. Divorce forces many parents back into the workforce, and for some, even back to school. Divorce can initiate some dramatic changes in your lifestyle, and it make you re-evaluate yourself and your career. Some former stay at home parents are now looking for an enriching way to increase earning potential by going back for a degree they never finished, for a new degree, or for some it may be their first time in college. Divorce forces many people to take a risk, to do something for their selves, to strive for personal growth and to set goals, which is why many decide going back to school is a good option for them. When evaluating if going back to school is the right option for you consider that your goals are: Are you hoping to begin a new career? Advance in your current career? How long will it take? What will you be able to earn when you are finished? Consider the cost: Ask your attorney about whether continuing your education post-divorce will affect your spousal maintenance. Check with your employer to see if they cover any of the cost. Discuss your financial situation at the college’s Financial Aid office to see if you may qualify for any grants or scholarships, and of course, compare tuition amounts for schools in your area. Typically called, “non-traditional students” divorcees, over 35, and typically women, make up a good percentage for the student population at community, private, and online colleges, which usually offer flexible schedules and work at your own pace credit loads to graduate. It is not easy taking a risk and making a big commitment to go back to school, but if you decide that going back to school post-divorce is for you, rest assured that you are not alone.
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It seems it’s nearly inevitable that at some point we all have a friend going through a divorce. The support we offer during that trying time can often set the precedence of the friendship going forward. The same holds true for someone battling a disease like cancer; whether you turn your back and quietly whisper or are brave enough to offer support shows not only the value or your friendship, but your true character. So how can you help? First and foremost, be a good listener and offer emotional support. You don’t have to have all the answers, but listening intently and letting your friend know that you are there to listen or be a shoulder to cry on anytime, day or night, is important. Remind them that are worthy of happiness. Constantly reassure them. Reassure them that a divorce is not a reflection of who they are. Reassure them that they are an amazing person, and that you are there for them whatever happens. Be aware of the divorce emotional cycle. Your friend will be feeling so many emotions that will constantly be changing. Reassure them that they have the right to their emotions and that healing is a long process that no one can put a timeline on. Have compassion and allow them their feelings and validate their need to process things in their own way. Remind them that divorce does not define a person. Eating is probably not going to be at the top of their priority list, not to mention stomaching a full meal with a broken heart. Cooking for one is no fun, so providing them with small meals and healthy snacks can be helpful. Also if they have children to feed, providing meals they can quickly throw in the oven and not have to work about shopping and meal prep would be a huge help. Be adventurous – try a new food that you’ve never tasted before. Spice up your grocery list with 3 (healthy) new items to try. Offer your friend a place to stay, help looking for a new house or apartment, moving help, etc. On top of possibly needing help physically packing or moving, ask if they need help getting things sorted out with bills, budgets, and finding a divorce support group. Get out and about. Try new things. Say YES to something new. Activities are important. Take a walk together, try out a new restaurant, summer outdoor concerts, go for a bike ride, try out a new sport, and stick to the ones you love. Every day, learn at least 3 new words of a language you admire. Create a bucket list. Write down your biggest dreams – and take little steps in making them happen. Be a positive part of their life. Offering support doesn’t have to mean spouse bashing, simply listening when they need to talk and planning activities to help them take their mind off things for a bit can be a world of help. Find the joy in the everyday.
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182021502The Collaborative divorce process is one of many ways to divorce. It’s not for everyone. So how do you know whether it is right for you and your spouse or partner? Here are a few questions to help you decide:
  • Do you want your children to be in the center rather than in the middle?
  • Do you want your lawyer to be a wise counselor rather than a hired gun?
  • Are you willing to be in the same room with your spouse or partner?
  • Are you able to speak for yourself and articulate your own goals and interests?
  • Are you open to solutions that respect both your and your spouse’s interests?
  • Do you want to focus on future solutions rather than past disagreements?
  • Do you want a comfortable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse?
  • Are you willing to experience and live with some discomfort at times during your divorce?
  • Do you want solutions that take into consideration the uniqueness of your family?
  • Do you want to model healthy dispute resolution for your children, friends and family?
  • Do you want to be able to look back on your divorce and feel good about both the outcome and how you handled yourself during the process?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, another, more traditional divorce process may be a better choice for you. Collaborative divorce is best-suited for couples who understand the value of divorcing well. How you divorce greatly impacts your children’s well-being and your own ability to move forward in life without resentment. If you answered “yes” to these questions, the Collaborative divorce process may be a good choice for you. To find out more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and contact a Collaborative professional.
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sb10065918f-001Recently Daisy Camp received a letter from a 2007 Daisy Camp graduate, Karen. We appreciate hearing divorce success stories and thought Karen’s is a great one to share as proof that, “everything happens for a reason.” Even in your darkest days of divorce, always remember there are brighter days ahead. Her letter is reprinted below with her permission. Jennifer, I wanted to let you know what you do is important. I was at the lowest point in my life in 2007, after a 22 year marriage to my high school sweetheart and two kids, he left me for a women 15 years younger than me. I was devastated and had no idea what to do. That’s when I came across Daisy Camp. I attended the Saturday all day session and the most important thing I took away from it was the fact that I wasn’t alone and other women were going thru something similar. I received a lot of information that day and received some great advice that helped me navigate the legal process as well as give me the strength to get up every morning and “fight back for my life.” Well, here I am 7 years later, my children are now young adults and living on their own. Following the divorce, I went thru counseling and joined a separation and divorce support group through my church. Through a Catholic dating website I met a wonderful guy who went through the same experience as me. In fact, we were both married and divorced the same year, both have two boys, our oldest sons have the same name and our birthdays are just 6 days apart. We bought a beautiful house in the country and I have a new life. I have made a lot of new friends and have a job that is challenging yet fun. Thank you for having the courage to start a resource like Daisy Camp to help other women!! On a side note, my Ex and his girlfriend just had a baby in December. I laugh when I hear that he is doing feeding and diaper changes at the age of 51 while I’m enjoying a glass of wine and sitting next to a fire reading a book and realizing that everything happens for a reason! Karen, A 2007 Daisy Camp Graduate
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184951937If you changed your last name when you married, you may want to change your name in the divorce. If you choose to change your name after your divorce, it is often easiest to include the name change in the paperwork filed with the court. You would ask the court to include a finding in your divorce papers stating that you will be returning to your former last name. Some women choose to go back to their maiden names after a divorce. Or, you can take this opportunity to create a new last name. Whichever new name you choose, you would submit a request to the judge handling your divorce proceedings to note in the judgment that you are requesting a name change. Then the judge will issue an order that you can use to change your name on your driver’s license, social security card, bank accounts and other financial documents. If you do not have a name change as part of your divorce order, you must file a separate document, called a petition, for name change with the court. However you obtain the order from the Court, you will need to request several copies to keep with you in order to change your name on your accounts and drivers license. Be sure to change your name with the Internal Revenue Service and your state and local tax authorities so that your tax issues are not affected. You should change your name on your social security card and with the Secretary of State so you can vote. If you have a passport, that will need to be changed as well. Finally, you should be sure to update your name in your will, Powers or Attorney, healthcare directives or any trusts you have in place. Let your insurance companies and medical/dental providers know of your new name as well. Your employer should also know of your new name. Know that it takes time to plan name changes so you should give yourself lots of time to figure out the specifics of your name change.