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601840767-pink-tulip-field-lisse-netherlands-gettyimagesWith the recent warm weather and longer days, it is beginning to feel like Spring. Spring is a time of rejuvenation and growth. As the sun comes out and the temperatures rise, flowers blossom and buds sprout.  People are out exercising and enjoying the warm weather. After a long, cold winter, as the days get longer, the community collectively is re-emerging. It is an optimistic, forward-looking time. There are a number of similarities to Springtime and the re-emergence after a divorce.  When someone initiates a divorce, it often causes the fear and negative emotions to increase. There is added anxiety in the process, knowing that you have started but not yet really resolved anything. The divorce itself may feel like winter.  You may feel isolated to stuck in a lonely process. You may have a hard time appreciating the positive things in your life and instead focus on the cold, scary parts. But once resolutions are found, it is a new beginning. Indeed, a collaborative divorce process (where both clients work together out-of-court on resolutions) can lead to meaningful resolutions that establish a great foundation for the future. Mutually acceptable resolutions and a process that supports and nurtures both spouses, can lead to a new normal.  Once in place, those resolutions can feel like a whole new life. Like Spring, it can feel like the future is positive and there is potential for emotional and financial success. Relationships can feel refreshed or reinvigorated. People may have better mental health and feel good about moving forward. Like an extra bounce in your step or deeper peace — re-emerging from divorce has great possibility. There are options when you are divorcing. The collaborative process is a truly future-focused process that supports you during the process and then sets you up for success afterwards.  So, if you are contemplating divorce, know that it gets better. There is a springtime waiting for you.
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482143431-thought-bubbles-above-frustrated-couple-gettyimagesIn an election year, we are exposed to an abundance of rhetoric.  As candidates debate and advertise to convince people to vote for them, I listen for words reflecting respect, dignity, the ability to listen deeply and the capacity to work effectively with those who may hold different beliefs. High conflict resulting in governmental gridlock puts people at risk, especially those who are most vulnerable. Yet listening to potential leaders, I hear repeated versions of  “I will never compromise.” Though this may be intended to project strength and resolution, does it not also sound rigid and contentious? What human values does this type of rhetoric represent? How expensive in time, money and emotional resources does endless gridlock become for the people depending on resolution? Divorcing parents are faced with the necessity to make many decisions affecting the future of their family. Their children are the most vulnerable family members, counting on their parents to work things out. What happens to children when their parents disagree and then refuse to compromise? When parents become rigid and disrespectful of each other, how does the ensuing gridlock impact their children? How expensive in time, money and emotional resources does this process become? Collaborative Practice is a method of alternative dispute resolution incorporating the values of respect, honesty and fairness. From the beginning of the process, clients are supported by their attorneys and by neutral professionals on their team to engage in interest-based negotiation to ensure both parents’ true concerns are heard, rather than positional negotiation that can easily lead to heightened conflict and expensive gridlock. For more information about how Collaborative Practice might work for your family, please check out the website of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.
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180248003-rowing-teams-oars-close-up-gettyimagesDo you need a divorce team and if so who should be on that team? If you are going through divorce or plan to do so you should think about who you want to have on your divorce team.  Who you have on your team depends on the process you have chosen. If you are headed down the traditional litigated divorce path your attorney will be your lead team member and possibly could be the only team member. Oh sure you may bring in experts of your own and when you do experts of your soon to be ex will suddenly appear. This is unlike a collaborative divorce where neutral professionals are commonly utilized.  In mediations you may or may not have neutrals or you can also have experts, if you will, that are only on your side.  The difference is in a collaborative divorce the neutrals are working together with you and your spouse to help you reach agreements.  These agreements satisfy both of your needs and interests versus you both having your own experts refuting each of your positions with opposing viewpoints.  When this opposing positions scenario appears it requires some outside third party to make decisions for you since you and your spouse cannot make those decisions yourselves.  This ends up being a crapshoot and most likely results in decisions neither one of you are very satisfied with. In a collaborative divorce the entire team works together for the benefit of your family.  Who are the potential team members and their roles in a collaborative divorce? Attorney:   
  • Provides legal guidance, counsel, and advice to you
  • Supports you in resolving the areas of dispute that arise
  • Cooperates with other Collaborative team members to guide clients through the process
  • Works in joint meetings with both clients and the other attorney to create legal documents to necessary to complete the process
  • Are professionally licensed as attorneys
Coach: 
  • Helps clients effectively communicate during the process which can minimize conflict and lower cost
  • Helps to maintain a safe environment to discuss difficult issues with mutual respect
  • Helps you with advocating for yourself
  • Helps you minimize emotions to better manage reactivity to stress
  • Is licensed as a mental health professional or a Rule 114 qualified mediator
Financial Specialist:
  • Identifies and evaluates tax consequences
  • Assists clients with developing spending plans (budgets)
  • Develops current and future cash flow analyses
  • Helps clients/attorneys generate and evaluate financial options
  • Guides the team discussion on financial matters
  • Is professionally licensed as a financial expert
Child Specialist:
  • Provides neutral guidance and education to parents
  • Helps parents create “we statements” to talk with their children about the divorce or break up
  • Meets with parents and children to obtain developmental information, identify family strengths and identify goals to meet children’s needs
  • Meets with children to assess their hopes and needs for the future
  • Gives feedback to parents and professional Team members about the needs of children
  • Assists parents in the creation of a developmentally responsive Parenting Plan
  • Works with the Neutral Coach to strengthen parents’ co-parenting relationship
  • Is licensed as a mental health professional
Does every divorce require each of these team members? Not necessarily. A divorce with no minor children or a divorce from a very short-term marriage say less than three years for example, with few assets and liabilities may not require anyone other than an attorney. However, in divorces from longer-term marriages if minor children are involved, there are a number of assets, and liabilities it would make sense to utilize a child specialist and a financial specialist. If your goals and those of your spouse are genuinely concerned about future relational issues with your soon to be former spouse or extended family members, I encourage you to explore the use of a coach trained in collaborative divorce. A coach may be very helpful if you have concerns about challenging communication issues with your soon to be former spouse. The use of neutrals can be very cost effective. Neutrals are usually employed at lower hourly rates and in some cases significantly lower rates than attorneys. The value added benefit beyond the lower cost structure for using neutrals is they are experts in their respective fields. Attorneys are experts in the legal aspects of divorce not so much so in the financial, child development, and relational aspects of divorce. Only you can answer the question of do you need a team and if so who should be on that team. It does depend on the divorce process you choose and your unique circumstances. Choose your process and your team wisely!
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straight-ahead-Collaborative divorce is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process for dissolving a marriage. It is common for one spouse being ready to move forward with divorce and the other spouse struggling to move forward in the process. Parties can be at very different points on the divorce readiness scale – one is ready, one is not. This is quite typical. The spouse not wanting to move forward is sometimes called “reluctant” or “in denial.”  Because Minnesota is a no fault divorce state, one spouse not being ready does not need to stop the process from moving forward. The ready spouse can file for divorce and the process moves on in court with little control of the reluctant spouse. However, when one spouse is looking for a non-adversarial, out-of-court alternative (like collaborative divorce), there is more of a need to bring that other spouse along. The reluctant spouse really can delay the process and interfere with the non-reluctant spouse’s desire to divorce. It is interesting to think that one spouse can be committed to a collaborative divorce, but divorcing may not have to be a collaborative decision.  So one party can control the process (with the other’s agreement), even if the other never agrees with the decision to divorce. It is common during the divorce process to have spouses be at different comfort levels with the decision to divorce. These levels of readiness can change throughout the process and even vary greatly from one meeting to another. The challenge often lies with helping the reluctant spouse commit to a collaborative process, while acknowledging his or her disagreement with the process. A good collaborative attorney can strategize ways to bring the reluctant spouse into the process and help move things forward. Ways to teach him or her about the divorce options and lay out the pros and cons of different processes for divorce.  
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89024943-hispanic-girl-with-hostile-parents-gettyimagesThe Week recently printed an article on negative impacts of divorce on children.  You can read the article here.  It is a summary of research done around the world demonstrating how divorce negatively impacts children. Unlike the commonly known impacts of divorce on children and future relationships, this article identified some of the lesser known outcomes.  For example, children of divorce are much more likely to begin smoking in their lives as well as end up on prescriptions for ADHD (such as Ritalin).  Children of divorce often find less success in school and are more likely to drop out of school.  The article also points to research illustrating that children of divorce have more health concerns than children who’s parents remain married. What the article fails to explore is how the process of divorce may impact these outcomes. Parents can choose the process to divorce.  They could have an adversarial process, wrought with harsh communication, positional negotiations and overall negativity.  However, an alternative, peaceful process, such as collaborative divorce can preserve the positives in a relationship and help children thrive after the divorce is final. Divorce does not have to result in long-lasting negative outcomes.  A divorce done well, with care and concern, respect and honesty, can often lead to family structures that are better off than they were before the divorce.  Children can be protected in that process and have positive futures.  The negative consequences in the article are real (obviously the research shows as much), but a divorce done right can lead to much better outcomes for everyone. Contact a collaborative law professional if you want to learn more about divorcing well to protect everyone in the future.
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BLD077218In the Twin Cities, many family law attorneys offer a free consultation to learn about your options.  This is a time to meet your potential new attorney and ask your questions.  The consultation can serve three main purposes. First, you can learn about your divorce options.  There are four general processes for divorce:
  1. pro se/unrepresented where you go through the process without legal guidance;
  2. mediation where a neutral third party helps you come up with the agreements;
  3. collaborative divorce where both parties commit to a respectful out of court process with lawyers and other professionals guiding the process; and
  4. litigation, the court-based traditional process.  A good consultation should educate you on all of these options.
Second, the consultation allows you to learn some basic information about the issues in a divorce.  The attorney can discuss the main legal issues that need to be decided during a case – such as child custody, parenting time, spousal maintenance, or property division.  Clients often have specific questions about these categories and what may or may not be relevant to their situation. Third, the consultation allows you to get to know someone and see if it is a good fit for legal work.  One of the most important aspects of a consultation is the opportunity for you to meet a potential attorney and see if you will be comfortable working with them. Your attorney is your guide. You may cry or express anger in front of this person – you need to feel comfortable doing so. In addition to legal adeptness and zealous advocacy, you also must be comfortable and trust your attorney. This is perhaps the most important element of the relationship. You should know that when you are just meeting an attorney for a consultation, the attorney cannot give you legal advice or answer legal questions with certainty. Because the consulting attorney does not have a client relationship, you and your spouse could meet with the attorney together. This is often a good way for you both to hear information together. When you receive the same message, you often feel less adversarial and more like you are both seeking a guide for the process. Please contact a collaborative attorney for a free consultation to learn more about your options.
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133791230-tin-can-communication-gettyimagesListening to the voice of the child is increasingly becoming a mainstream concept in family law.  This is a welcome development, as careful attunement to children’s perspectives and needs can guide resolutions and parenting plans that are truly in the best interests of children. Having worked with children of all ages for many years,  I am aware that the language of children has its own rhythm and cadence.  Children do not always use words to express their inmost feelings and concerns.  Very young children express themselves through play and behaviors rather than spoken language.  When distressed, young children may temporarily regress to earlier behaviors.  This is a normal process, but may need professional guidance to resolve if it becomes persistent, especially when accompanied by patterns of anxiety or angry outbursts. At the opposite end of the developmental spectrum, one of my favorite essays about teenagers is entitled “Please Hear What I am Not Saying.”  Children, especially adolescents, often have difficulty expressing their feelings directly. To fully understand their child’s experience, parents need to be observant of patterns of behavior that may indicate feelings the child is unable or unwilling to express directly.  Asking a child, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you acting that way?” may not yield much information.  Another approach is to express empathy and the offer of support, “It looks like something is bothering you.  I’m here if you want to talk about it.”  If a problematic behavior pattern persists for more than a few weeks, it might be the right time to consult with a child or adolescent therapist to get neutral, professional help in decoding the problem and helping your child find healthy ways to cope. Consulting with a neutral child specialist during the divorce process can enhance your understanding of your child’s perspective and feelings.  Collaborative Team Practice is designed to provide a sounding board for all family members during a difficult time of transition.
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173298780-mid-adult-woman-toying-with-gold-wedding-gettyimagesHaving friends scattered throughout the country has shown me just how drastic divorce proceedings and turnarounds can be. My friend in Baltimore, Maryland, who was married for 5 years with no kids, had no battles over property division, and her divorce still took just over 2.5 years to complete, including a mandatory year of separation before filing (this law has since changed recently for those without children). A friend in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, her divorce with one child and a business involved, took just 6 months to the date. And my good friends (haha), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s Oklahoma divorce after four years of marriage complete with pre-nup and no kids, took just days from when they filed. Here in Minnesota the length of time to complete a divorce depends upon several things, including custody, parenting time, child support, and division of debts and property. It can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to a year and a half or more, depending upon whether the parties are cooperating, and depending upon the issues involved. The length of a divorce also largely depends on how the case is resolved. For example, divorcing collaboratively, where both party’s attorneys agree to settle without going to trial and the underlying threat of litigation, can significantly reduce the time it take to complete the divorce for several reasons, the biggest factor being avoiding months awaiting a divorce trial. Divorce is the time to practice patience, and to always prepare yourself for the divorce process to take longer than anticipated. Even in our instant gratification society where you can have Amazon deliver within the hour, your divorce could take months to years. No matter how long your divorce proceedings may take it is important to remember that divorce never really ends with a “victory” by either party. Both parties typically leave the marriage with substantially less material wealth than they started with prior to the divorce. Occasionally, you may hear about a spouse receiving a very large settlement or substantial alimony compensation. But more commonly, both spouses must compromise in order to reach an agreement. If there are any real “winners” in the process, it’s those who maintain positive relationships with an ex-spouse so that they are able to successfully co-parent their children.
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82087964-start-on-january-1-gettyimagesAs 2016 begins, many of us come up with resolutions for the coming year. Some people hope to exercise more, spend more time as a family or plan a vacation. For families who have divorced, the new year often symbolizes a new beginning.  It is a time to establish a new norm. As a collaborative attorney, I often help guide families through divorce in respectful and supportive ways. I often hear from clients that they have goals and resolutions for a new year. Here are three common resolutions for families of divorce and ways all families can incorporate these values in their lives:
  1. Establish financial independence and security. Entering a new year is a time when finances are now truly separate – with no tax connections.  Be mindful of what you spend.  Track your expenses and see how they match up against your projected budgets and income.  Get a financial planner or, on your own, map out your financial goals for the year, including personal savings, retirement, and investment management.
  2. Embrace co-parenting. Children thrive with routine and care.  They love to be listened to and enjoy one-on-one time with both parents.  They also sense stress and tension.  As you establish routines and the children spend time with both parents, remember to treat the other parent with compassion as well. Avoid fighting in front of the children and support the time that they spend in both homes. Also learn to enjoy your off-duty time.  When you don’t have parenting duties can be a great time to focus on yourself and prepare for your next parenting day.
  3. Take care of yourself.  As parents, workers, and functioning members in society, we often spend our tie focused on others.  We take care of the children and our work obligations, but we often forget our own self-care.  Use the new year to establish work-out routines or start exploring a new hobby.  It is never too late to start improving yourself and the new year is a perfect time to make that effort.
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Many collaborative law attorneys offer a free consult – 30-60 minutes to meet your potential new attorney and get some questions answered. The consult serves two main purposes: learn about your options and get to know your potential attorney. Until you have hired an attorney, you do not have confidentiality or a legal relationship with the attorney. The consulting attorney cannot give you legal advice or answer legal questions with certainty during this first meeting. The consulting attorney can talk to you about the processes available to you – litigation, collaborative law, or mediation. The consulting attorney can tell you the main legal issues that need to be decided during a case – such as child custody, parenting time, spousal maintenance, or property division. Because the consulting attorney does not have a client relationship, you and your spouse could meet with the attorney together. This is often a good way for you both to hear information together about the process. When you receive the same message, you often feel less adversarial and more like you are both seeking a guide for the process. Indeed, one of the most important aspects of a consult, is the opportunity for you to meet a potential attorney and see if you will be comfortable working with them. Your attorney is your guide. You may cry or express anger in front of this person – you need to feel comfortable doing so. In addition to legal adeptness and zealous advocacy, you also must be comfortable and trust your attorney. This is perhaps the most important element of the relationship.