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494322995-business-people-shaking-hands-in-meeting-gettyimagesIf you are facing the possibility of a divorce, choosing a divorce lawyer could be one of the most important decisions in your life. Divorce is unfair. It forces you to make some of the most difficult decisions in your life at a time when you might be least able to do so. Having someone you trust to advise you is important. There are hundreds of lawyers in the Twin Cities with significant experience handling divorce cases.  Regardless of what you may think of lawyers (and surveys would suggest that may not be overly positive) lawyers are, for the most part, like the rest of our society. They come in all shapes and sizes, and have varying degrees of skill, honesty and effectiveness. If you work hard and do your homework, you can find one of the really good ones. Perhaps more importantly, you want to the best attorney for you. The key is to know how to investigate and interview so that you find the right fit. Investigating Lawyers to Interview. The first step is to find attorneys to interview. The best way to start is to talk with people you know who have had a positive experience with their divorce attorney and find out what it is about their attorney that they liked. The other option is to research the internet carefully, at least to make sure you understand all of the process options available. While it would be reckless to choose an attorney from online information alone, the internet can be an effective way to find someone to interview. It is also a good way to learn about the main process choices that exist in our community; namely traditional representation; mediation and Collaborative Practice. Once you have found an attorney to interview (or ideally several attorneys), you should contact each attorney (by phone or email) and find out if they charge for the initial consultation. Many family law attorneys will provide consultations for free, or at little charge, in order to give you the opportunity to meet them and learn how they work. When you do interview the attorneys, do not be afraid to ask them difficult questions to help you determine if they are a good fit for you. Many books include guidance on questions to ask your attorney including, The Collaborative Way to Divorce. Make sure that each attorney that you interview provides a description of the main process choices described above and make sure they describe their experience and training in each of these areas. Attorneys, like most people, have preferences and biases and their description of the three basic options can be filtered by their own preferences, rather than being based upon actual experience. If, for example, your attorney has not had significant experience in mediation or Collaborative Law, their recommendation may be based on third hand accounts of information or bias, rather than actual expertise. To find attorneys who have experience or expertise in Collaborative Law and mediation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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170652636-couple-meeting-with-financial-advisor-gettyimagesI’m not always a very wise shopper.  I tend to fall into the trap of thinking something is a good deal if I save money.  And at least in the short term, my cheaper purchase may do just fine. But inevitably, cheap purchases lack staying power and don’t hold up well.  I was reminded of this recently when looking in dismay at the boots I bought on sale at a discount shoe store.  After one season of wear, the leather has frayed on the toes of both boots, and they won’t be wearable next season. In contrast, the Frye boots I splurged on when I was accepted into graduate school decades ago still look great.  I knew at the time that these boots were an investment meant to last. When some potential clients hear about Collaborative Team Practice, their first response is,  “That sounds too expensive.  I don’t want to spend much money on a divorce.”   Because most people have to budget money with some care, it can easily feel like professional fees are not where limited resources should go.   But be aware of the trap of thinking something is a good deal if it saves money. A quality divorce process is an investment in the future, especially when children are involved.  Collaborative professionals are experts in conflict resolution and creative problem solving, and can respectfully support families through the crisis of divorce to sustainable resolutions.  Collaborative professionals are deeply knowledgeable in their areas of expertise—family law, financial resolutions, children’s needs in divorce, parenting plans and co-parenting skills.  Simply put, the right Collaborative professional will help you understand what you may well not know about how to make the best possible decisions on behalf of yourself and your family. The least expensive divorce options may seem adequate at the time, but the results are often not sustainable.  This may mean heading back into a post-decree legal process that  is guaranteed to be costly.  Collaborative Team Practice is not the best fit for all divorces, but when it is, it is clearly an investment in quality outcomes with staying power for the future.  For more information, check out the Collaborative Law Institute website.
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185123062-stone-heart-gettyimagesAs a collaborative law professional, I work with divorcing couples on out-of-court resolutions that meet big picture goals and interests. It is challenging work that I have dedicated my career to and I strive daily to provide the highest level of service. As a general practice, I check in with my clients a year or so after the divorce to see how things are going. I genuinely care about my clients and enjoy learning where they are at after a divorce and what accomplishments and challenges they have faced after the transition. While many traditional, court-based divorce attorneys hear from their clients often with post-decree disputes or modifications, I believe if I have done my job most effectively, clients will be prepared to handle most everything that comes up after a divorce on their own. More often than not, the only way I know how my clients are navigating a post-divorce world, is to reach out and ask them. I recently heard from two former clients. First, I heard from a spouse who had one of the more challenging financial situations I have dealt with. There was significant debt and substantial expenses (as there often are) and they had shared some unique financial goals regarding their investments and retirements moving forward. They also agreed to share future income in a manner that was unique in the eyes of the law, yet suited their big picture goals. The parents agreed on many parenting issues, but both had personal experiences with bad divorces in their own childhoods, so they were apprehensive and untrusting of the other. They also intended to move out-of-state for the main wage-earner’s work once the children finished the school-year, although there was concern on follow through with this agreement. I heard from this client that the move happened without a hitch and they have peacefully transitioned into two homes in a new community. The children are thriving with the help of good communication and some family counseling. I heard from my client that “things are better than I expected” and that my client truly believes they are both doing really well. Most importantly, my client was excited to share the accomplishments of the children, yet sharing truthfully some of the difficulties they have had with the transition. This client expressed gratitude for a collaborative divorce process that allowed them to acknowledge the positives in their relationship and preserve what works, while restructuring things for a better future. My other client had recently navigated his Wife getting remarried. He provided spousal maintenance to his ex-Wife and the decree had contemplated the financial circumstances changing upon remarriage if either spouse requested such a review. My client informed me that despite the decree allowing for a review, he had decided not to do so because he wanted to continue to support his ex-Wife in a financially stable situation for the benefit of his children. Even though he could have likely lessened his obligation, he felt most comfortable with maintaining the status quo and continuing support. Like my other client, he thanked me for providing a process that allowed him the flexibility to decide what feels right but also preserved the respect and caring he shares for his ex-Wife. Indeed, that respect has benefited her greatly as well through the support. In my years of experience and check-ins with clients, I am continuously impressed by the level of gratitude clients express for the collaborative process. It is a process that creates unique outcomes tailored to each family’s needs and, I believe, results in longer lasting agreements and stronger post-divorce relationships.
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513648211-sadness-today-gettyimagesIn divorce many people hire attorneys with the hope of receiving what the law entitles them to receive.  They focus on their rights and ask their lawyer to help them get what “the law” provides, perhaps believe that this is the best way to protect their interests.  Most people don’t realize how focusing on the law and “rights”  is setting the bar very low and on occasion, guarantees them that they will need to settle for the very minimum  rather than trying to achieve their most important goals. Divorce laws are created to establish minimum standards for the government to apply if the family cannot come up with a solution on its own. For example, the child support guidelines give you an idea about the minimum amount that would be required for the support of your children if a judge is required to intervene.  The property division that your lawyer tells you will be ordered under “the law” merely describes the minimum that the law will compel.  The parenting schedule normally describes the minimum times that you must be allowed to see your children. Nevertheless, it is a curious  aspect of divorce law that people often start out focusing on those minimums and do not stop to reflect on what might be possible. Striving for minimums is an unusual way to begin down any path, particularly with something as important as family relationships. Outside of divorce, few of us would ever think that we should provide only the minimum to our family members. We would rarely respond to needs of our children, or our spouse, or a parent or even an aunt or uncle for that matter, and say “what is the very minimum that the law would compel me to do?”  To the contrary, faced with these situations outside of divorce, we would be drawn to think in terms of doing the right thing; doing the best we can do under the circumstances. Yet, as soon as we enter the divorce world, we automatically assume this “minimum only” mentality and we hire lawyers to fight over those minimums. No doubt some you are thinking that divorce is different because you are dealing with an ex spouse and that the rules of conscience and decency should not have the same sway as with a real family member. But is that really how it is? First of all, if there are children involved, it is difficult to enforce minimums without catching them in the crossfire. Because your children will live in the same house as your former spouse for a significant portion of their lives, there is no way to force your spouse to accept minimums without impacting your children, at least to a degree. In addition, is your spouse, the mother or father of your children, someone who can be immediately relegated to the role of non-relative and allow you to feel a complete indifference to their well-being, (or worse)? No doubt, many divorcing people have found ways to view of their ex spouse in this way. However,  most people,  once they get past the anger, fear or sadness, admit that they do not hold this complete indifference and, in fact, express real caring, and concern for their ex spouse. So, how do we shed the “minimums” mentality and approach divorce by setting the bar much higher? It will take more than one blog to cover the many different ways to create better settlements by appealing to higher standards. But here is a start. Go to www.collaborativelaw.org or to www.divorcechoice.com and find a divorce professional who speaks this language. You may be surprised by what is possible.
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172244707-daddys-comfort-series-gettyimagesHaving recently become a grandparent for the first time, I am pondering the future with renewed urgency that my granddaughter’s legacy be one of hope and abundance. As she grows, there is no way to prevent the pain of grief and loss, the challenge of change or the regret of unfulfilled expectations, as major and minor crises are a normal part of our complicated human lives. But I want her to always know she is safe and loved, especially by her parents, as these are the building blocks of her resilience. Almost always, children experience divorce or breakup as a crisis, a challenging change, a loss. However, as I tell the parents with whom I work, it is possible to keep this crisis from ever becoming a trauma. It is possible to separate or get unmarried in such a way that your children will continue to feel safe and loved by both parents. Selecting a process that enables a divorcing couple to make the transition to effective co-parenting is an investment in their children’s future. As with other important investments, there is a need to balance potential gain with possible risk. In terms of impact on children, an adversarial divorce has minimum gain and maximum risk. A shorthand equation may be, the greater the court involvement, the greater the risk. In contrast, a process that focuses on respectful problem solving, and eliminates the need for court involvement, such as mediation or Collaborative Practice, has lower risk and potential maximum gain for children. Choosing the right professionals to guide you through the best process for your family can pay huge dividends in your children’s future.
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466121615-male-lawyer-with-documents-in-meeting-gettyimagesWhile it is possible to file for divorce in Minnesota on your own, without legal representation, it can be difficult to manage, not only legally but also emotionally. Here are some reasons to have an attorney and NOT try and represent yourself:
  • When you represent yourself, you are unable to be objective. It is hard to weigh the options and make decisions in your own best interest if you are alone.
  • While you may save in attorney’s fees, as a novice in the legal arena, you do not know what it means to file a pleading or handle a case. You may also not know that you have other options on process – a collaborative divorce or mediation may provide better outcomes.
  • When you represent yourself, there are held to the same standard as all other clients. This means that the court will have the same expectations of you as it would of a licensed attorney representing a client.
  • If there are any contentious issues, such as parenting differences, safety concerns, or financial matters, it may be important that you have the best knowledge and skills available to make sure that your needs are addressed.
Most lawsuits never go to trial; however, this does not mean that the resulting settlements are easily reached. In divorce proceedings, an experienced attorney can help you understand your process options. Collaboration may mean there is less times spent in court and more agreeable final terms.
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181569057-family-gear-discussion-gettyimagesA family with whom I am privileged to work on their Collaborative divorce gave me consent to tell this story. A few weeks after completing the two meetings with me that are a typical part of my child-inclusive parenting plan process, a teenager (I’ll call him Jay) asked if could meet with me again.  Jay confided being miserable about both parents putting him in the middle, though he knew this was not intentional.  He could read his parents’ body language and emotional tone after their phone conversations, and perceived both parents as distressed, sad and angry about as-yet unresolved aspects of their divorce.  He felt himself drawn to ask questions to try to understand the contentious issues, but the answers he received just made him feel worse, because then he felt like he was supposed to choose sides.  I suggested we have a family meeting to share his concerns with parents, which was exactly what Jay wanted.  His parents were also supportive of this idea. At the family meeting, this courageous and empathetic young man began by saying “I love you both, and I want you both in my life.  You’ve told me you want to work things out in the best way for me and my brother, and I believe you.   I just need you to try to get along better with each other.”  Jay acknowledged how hard it was for him to walk away when his mom seemed so sad, or his dad seemed so angry, but that he really wanted to be out of the middle of their conflicts with each other.  Though I had already talked with parents about the negative impact on kids of feeling in the middle, this was different.  This was listening to their child’s own words.  His parents really listened. Before the meeting ended, Jay asked if he could sum up what he hoped for, and shared the most amazing metaphor: “You know I used to be best friends with Sam and Mike, and we’re not really friends any more.  But we’re on the same baseball team, and when we’re playing baseball we’re teammates, we have each others’ backs and we know how to play well together.  I know you guys won’t be married any more but I want you to be on the same team, because you’re my parents.” What a perfect description of co-parenting, and all the more powerful for being in the voice of the child.   We need to keep listening to that voice.
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I have practiced law for almost 15 years. As a collaborative divorce attorney and mental health professional, I fundamentally believe my non-adversarial approach is better for children. The outcomes protect children’s best interests and provides them the best opportunity to thrive in a future, bi-nuclear family. Research confirms this notion, but not until recently was my personal belief proven in my practice. For the first time in my career, I had a potential client come into my office who was referred to me by her 12 year old son. This woman and her husband had decided to divorce and before starting the legal process told the children. They sat down their 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter and told them that mom and dad had decided to get divorced. Amongst the various reactions, their son asked “could you get divorced in the way Tommy’s parents divorced?” Their son said of all his friends with divorced parents (as expected, there are many) he noticed that there was something different about Tommy’s parents and the way they divorced. They were different, he told his parents, and that was what he wanted. At their son’s request, the parents reached out to Tommy’s parents to learn more. Tommy’s parents had had a collaborative divorce. Despite great challenges emotionally and financially, Tommy’s parents had put their greatest interests ahead of individual gain and brought their best selves to the divorce process. The outcomes reached were unique and tailored to provide the very best for everyone in Tommy’s family. Tommy probably didn’t know his parents “did divorce” differently. Tommy just experienced what he experienced…but his friend noticed. I represented Tommy’s dad in his collaborative divorce and I am so grateful that kids notice how well Tommy is doing. This experience is a reassuring and lovely example of the far-reaching benefit of collaborative law. It shows that children really do notice and, more importantly, the community at large can see how children of divorce can thrive … If the divorce is done well. Kids notice.
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167810616-mature-couple-relationship-difficulty-gettyimagesThe most significant increase in divorces nationwide has been among baby boomers, essentially those people born between 1945 and 1965. That is not terribly surprising given the high number of people in this age range. However, it does present new dynamics to divorce to the point where the notion of “boomer divorce” has started to reshape the way divorce happens. Baby boomers who face divorce tend to have different issues, and different priorities, than other generations. For the most part their children are grown, or nearly grown. As a result, they do not need significant help with issues of custody or parenting. However, they tend to be very concerned about the well-being of their grown children; whether it comes to making sure that college is financed or addressing their children’s desire to have their parents behave amicably. Children in their late teens or early twenty’s often care deeply about their parent’s divorce and the way that their parents face divorce can have an impact on their lives. If they are in college, they want to be able to visit each parent during school breaks and acrimony between parents can make that awkward or difficult. When they look ahead toward important life events like weddings, graduations, births and baptism, they want both parents to be able to participate without bringing unwanted tension to these life events. I have heard many stories about parents who attend their child’s wedding and cannot be in the same room together. It is very sad to imagine a young bride or groom, on the most important day of their lives, having to focus on have to protect or care for one or both of their parents rather than focus on this important occasion. Many of have witnessed these sad occasions. At the same time, we have witnessed divorcing parents who are amicable with each other and can share the experience of their child’s wedding in a way that truly honors the event. Baby boomers also care a great deal about planning for their financial future and in creating a divorce agreement that allows them to eventually enjoy their retirement years.   With people living longer and remaining healthy will into their later years, there is generally a great deal of fear about the divorce altering their retirement plans. While divorce does take a financial toll on all of the family resources, including a division of retirement assets, boomers who use creative planning, including working with an interdisciplinary team that includes financial professionals, can find acceptable creative solutions. The unique problems faced by most boomers are increasingly causing them to look for more amicable and creative options to help them divorce in a way that preserves their sanity, their co-parenting and their financial nest egg as much as possible. For information about those options go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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sb10066847c-001A core value of Collaborative Team Practice is keeping children at the center and out of the middle. But what does this mean? Why this is distinction important? It is because divorcing parents are writing the life story their children will tell. Mindfully keeping children at the center helps focus decision-making during and after a divorce on the best interests of the children. It encourages parents and the professionals assisting them to consider children’s developmental needs and temperaments to create customized parenting time schedules, relationship plans and financial plans. Bringing children’s voices into the process means the perspectives of all family members are honored. Parents who keep children at the center are doing the important work of becoming effective co-parents and communicators. Their children do not experience parents arguing or criticizing each other. They do not have to worry about taking sides or being disloyal to one parent by continuing to love the other. Children at the center are given empathy, support and patience as they grieve the loss of their familiar family structure, but are also reminded that though parents are unmarried, the family is still a family.  Children at the center can have hope for the future, with rewarding relationships with both parents strengthening their resilience. What is the experience of children in the middle? Unfortunately, these children are regularly exposed to their parents’ active conflict. They may frequently hear parents badmouthing each other or calling each other names. Children in the middle have often been told adult-level details about their parents’ marriage and their divorce. They may be actively encouraged by one or both parents to blame or take sides against the other parent. Parents who are not focusing on their children’s needs may be more likely to become emotionally disconnected from them or even to move away. Children in the middle are children in distress. Children at the center are given support to feel emotionally safe. They do not have to grow up with the anxiety of worrying about whether both parents can be invited to the same life event without creating undue stress and conflict. In contrast, children in the middle often experience the crisis of a divorce as a trauma, and the negative impact reverberates throughout their lives. Children in the middle have a much more difficult time with trust and fear of abandonment as adults. Collaborative Team Practice offers potential sources of emotional support to all family members during and after a divorce.  Neutral child specialists offer a child-inclusive process to help parents create and implement developmentally responsive parenting plans. Neutral coaches help parents create a relational plan to support their co-parenting and manage current and future conflicts. Both the parenting plan and the relationship plan are designed to keep children at the center, and have their life stories about the divorce  end peacefully.