As a little kid growing up in my small town, I remember being a bit confused by the saying, “good fences make good neighbors.” Almost nobody bothered with fences in my neighborhood except to keep the critters out of their gardens, and everyone seemed neighborly enough. I came to learn that throughout history, disputes over property lines were not uncommon, and could quickly turn contentious and ugly. Surveyors were important to help resolve these kinds of conflicts. A correctly placed fence could help keep the peace.
How does this apply to co-parenting after a divorce or separation?
Though it has been a long time since children were considered property in family law, they still belong to their family and are dependent on the stewardship of parents to nurture and care for them. As a result of the divorce or separation, how the family works needs to change. At a time of difficult, conflicting emotions, this can bring disagreements over parenting to the forefront. While under the same roof, parents most likely did not create written clarification of their roles and functions. Now that circumstances have changed, they will benefit from the creation of a Parenting Plan containing mutual agreements for the future.
A Parenting Plan resolves two important boundary issues that bridge legal and family concerns: a) Who will make major decisions in the best interests of the children while they are minors and/or legal dependents; and b) What will be an equitable and developmentally appropriate schedule for parenting time, one that may evolve over time as children grow.
Further clarifying details in the Parenting Plan can build proverbial “good fences,” and define specifics for decisions such as parenting time exchanges, holiday arrangements, how and when parents will engage in co-parenting communication and under what circumstances children can meet their parents’ new significant others. A child-centered Parenting Plan will also address co-parenting routines and rituals like bedtimes, limiting screentime, sharing responsibility for driving kids to their activities, deciding how children’s birthdays will be celebrated, discussing age-appropriate discipline and more. A Parenting Plan can and should be tailored to the unique needs of the family.
Underpinning the written plan are the choices parents make about their attitudes, communication tone and behavior toward each other. Because a divorce or separation can be a relational echo chamber for painful emotions, raw edges and betrayal, trust is often frayed. More than ever, parents need emotional and behavioral “good fences” that will demonstrate good faith and keep their children at the center and out of the middle of conflict. Here are a few time-tested ideas for shifting from a marriage or intimate partnership into the more businesslike lifelong relationship of effective, respectful and peaceful co-parenting:
- Be consistent and reliable. Show up on time, honor and follow through with co-parenting commitments and agreements, and communicate in advance if you need to change the schedule for any reason.
- Be courteous and polite. Resist the urge to argue with your co-parent, especially in the hearing range of your children. Do your part to maintain a calm and emotionally safe space for your kids during parenting time exchanges, and when both parents are attending a child’s event.
- Maintain dignity. Remember that verbal disrespect, eye rolling, shaming, name calling and other spiteful behaviors will always erode trust and will likely activate your co-parent’s amygdala (generating a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response). Understandably, frustration can be hard to avoid, but an activated amygdala is not a good problem solver. Take a break to clear your head if you feel the impulse to vent in anger, whether in person, by text or online with your co-parent. If you get triggered by something your co-parent says or does in your presence, you can state your boundary (“I can’t be in this conversation right now”) and end the interaction.
- Respect our co-parent’s individuality. Recognize that your co-parent will have their own style and preferences for creating a home base with your children. Unless a child’s safety is compromised, let go of the urge to try to control the situation at your co-parent’s home.
- Recognize that assertiveness is not the same as conflict . When in doubt about a co-parenting issue, ask clarifying questions and use I Statements rather than make assumptions. Assumptions can easily lead to accusations of fault and blame, and result in the downward spiral that occurs when both parents are triggered.
- Be open to resources. Consider divorce coaching, mediation or therapy to help resolve co-parenting disagreements that seem intractable and hard to manage without help. Don’t wait until the situation has festered and become entrenched into resentment. Co-parenting is hard work, and you deserve support.
About the Author
Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.
Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com
