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483830182-loudspeaker-gettyimagesThe Four Agreements is a best-selling book by Don Miguel Ruiz that articulates principles people can choose to follow to stay out of conflict with others.  These principles are extremely relevant and helpful for parents going through a divorce or break up.  I have written in the past about the Second and Third Agreements (The Second: I will not personalize anything the other person says, does, thinks or believes; and the Third: I will make no assumptions).  This blog focuses on the First Agreement:  I will be impeccable with my word.  The First Agreement agreement is the foundation of trustworthy and effective co-parenting communication. To be impeccable means to be truthful.  It means to speak with the intention of being respectful rather than negative, critical or hostile.  It means to avoid spreading gossip, innuendo and half-truths.   It is a commitment to not use words as weapons to attack and try to hurt another person.  It means to only promise what you fully intend to follow through on. At first glance, the First Agreement seems like the easiest, especially since most of us are wired to generally see ourselves as the “good guys”.  We are always truthful, and all our co-workers find us reliable and respectful.  When we’re not impeccable with our word, we are justified, right?  We were provoked by the truly bad behavior of the other parent.  We were just trying to defend ourselves from their endless snark.  We were “just joking, for crying out loud.”  We were finally standing up for ourselves, and isn’t that our right? I get that our amygdalas have loud voices when another person has struck a nerve.  But there are three filters to apply to non-impeccable words:  do they help if my goal is to co-parent effectively?  Do I feel like a better person for having said them?  And most importantly:  Could my giving vent, being hostile, being judgmental, smearing my co-parent or lying to my co-parent ultimately hurt my child?  Too often the answer to the last question is yes, it can and it will. Bill Eddy is a lawyer and social worker who co-founded the High Conflict Institute, LLC.  Bill has been reaching out to family law courts and divorce professionals to equip them with tools to help parents follow the First Agreement during and after a divorce or break up, though he does not use the language of the Four Agreements in his work.   One of these tools I often recommend to my clients is the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) email protocol.  BIFF emails can work wonders to shift acrimonious exchanges to those that are businesslike and productive.  For more information and more ideas about how to become an impeccable communicator go to www.newways4families.com.
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173298780-mid-adult-woman-toying-with-gold-wedding-gettyimagesHaving friends scattered throughout the country has shown me just how drastic divorce proceedings and turnarounds can be. My friend in Baltimore, Maryland, who was married for 5 years with no kids, had no battles over property division, and her divorce still took just over 2.5 years to complete, including a mandatory year of separation before filing (this law has since changed recently for those without children). A friend in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, her divorce with one child and a business involved, took just 6 months to the date. And my good friends (haha), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s Oklahoma divorce after four years of marriage complete with pre-nup and no kids, took just days from when they filed. Here in Minnesota the length of time to complete a divorce depends upon several things, including custody, parenting time, child support, and division of debts and property. It can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to a year and a half or more, depending upon whether the parties are cooperating, and depending upon the issues involved. The length of a divorce also largely depends on how the case is resolved. For example, divorcing collaboratively, where both party’s attorneys agree to settle without going to trial and the underlying threat of litigation, can significantly reduce the time it take to complete the divorce for several reasons, the biggest factor being avoiding months awaiting a divorce trial. Divorce is the time to practice patience, and to always prepare yourself for the divorce process to take longer than anticipated. Even in our instant gratification society where you can have Amazon deliver within the hour, your divorce could take months to years. No matter how long your divorce proceedings may take it is important to remember that divorce never really ends with a “victory” by either party. Both parties typically leave the marriage with substantially less material wealth than they started with prior to the divorce. Occasionally, you may hear about a spouse receiving a very large settlement or substantial alimony compensation. But more commonly, both spouses must compromise in order to reach an agreement. If there are any real “winners” in the process, it’s those who maintain positive relationships with an ex-spouse so that they are able to successfully co-parent their children.
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82087964-start-on-january-1-gettyimagesAs 2016 begins, many of us come up with resolutions for the coming year. Some people hope to exercise more, spend more time as a family or plan a vacation. For families who have divorced, the new year often symbolizes a new beginning.  It is a time to establish a new norm. As a collaborative attorney, I often help guide families through divorce in respectful and supportive ways. I often hear from clients that they have goals and resolutions for a new year. Here are three common resolutions for families of divorce and ways all families can incorporate these values in their lives:
  1. Establish financial independence and security. Entering a new year is a time when finances are now truly separate – with no tax connections.  Be mindful of what you spend.  Track your expenses and see how they match up against your projected budgets and income.  Get a financial planner or, on your own, map out your financial goals for the year, including personal savings, retirement, and investment management.
  2. Embrace co-parenting. Children thrive with routine and care.  They love to be listened to and enjoy one-on-one time with both parents.  They also sense stress and tension.  As you establish routines and the children spend time with both parents, remember to treat the other parent with compassion as well. Avoid fighting in front of the children and support the time that they spend in both homes. Also learn to enjoy your off-duty time.  When you don’t have parenting duties can be a great time to focus on yourself and prepare for your next parenting day.
  3. Take care of yourself.  As parents, workers, and functioning members in society, we often spend our tie focused on others.  We take care of the children and our work obligations, but we often forget our own self-care.  Use the new year to establish work-out routines or start exploring a new hobby.  It is never too late to start improving yourself and the new year is a perfect time to make that effort.
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Late night browsing on HBO recently brought me to a refreshing and wonderfully honest documentary on kids of divorce. The 30-minute film focuses on children who have recently gone through divorce – it asks them questions and captures their honest and candid responses.  So much wonderful information can be gleaned form children. They offer unique perspectives on the realities they face. Even more refreshingly, they offer unique insights and rules for their parents. As always, children can guide parents through these tough transitions and help them move forward in ways that really matter to kids. Indeed, these little minds are often more grounded and reflective in their views than their parents. Some of the many words of wisdom from this documentary, are:
  • Keep reminding me this isn’t my fault – I need to hear it over and over again.
  • Be honest with me – talk to me honestly. I can handle it or I will le tyou know if I can’t.
  • Don’t put me in the middle, but remember I am important.
  • Don’t have me spy – get your own information.
  • There is not a big bright side of things – but try to look on the bright side. Point out to me the things that are good out of this and why I will be okay.
  • I miss my other parent in my heart. Know this and keep it in mind.
  • Give us more love than we need.
Don’t Divorce Me! Trailer
If you have children and are contemplating divorce, check out Don’t Divorce Me! Kids’ Rules for their Parent’s Divorce on HBO ON DEMAND or www.hbogo.com
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The viral video of a father reaching out to his ex-Wife’s new husband, his daughter’s stepdad, and asking him to join him and walk their daughter down the aisle has had a huge impact. It has been shared millions of times. I have noticed a number of my social media friends and colleagues sharing this video. The comments seem to fall into two categories.  First, for divorced parents or children of divorce, many look at this video as a painful reminder of how horrible divorce can be. Many have memories of the strain and tension between their parents after divorce or cannot imagine ever having a connection with an exes new partner. Others see this video as recognition of the new face of divorce.  Divorce can be healthy and can lead to new families that are, in many ways, stronger and healthier than they were before.  Bonus parents or step parents can be wonderful additions to a child’s life. I see these stories all the time.  I am a collaborative attorney dedicated to helping families divorce in better ways.  I hear stories of clients all the time having better relationships with their co-parent after a divorce. Like this mother who wrote a letter to her daughter’s future step-mother or this lovely New York Times article about two divorced parents vacationing together — this can be the new face of divorce. The collaborative law process allows for creative and respectful outcomes – it keeps the children at the very center of everything and helps families thrive. Social media is drawn to thee stories because people crave these types of outcomes and want a better future after divorce.  Collaborative law provides these types of resolutions and more and more peaceful extended families.
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520749655-man-in-mid-air-jumping-into-pool-during-gettyimagesVacations are a common part of family life.  Some families like to camp or take close-to-home trips to a local hotel or amusement location.  Other families have vacation traditions, such as family reunions or a favorite locales that they visit year after year.  And others may like to spend freely and take extravagant vacations. It is common to be concerned about vacations in divorce.  When one, nuclear family becomes a bi-nuclear family with two home bases, it may seem like a foregone conclusion that vacations will need to end.  While things certainly need to change, in a collaborative divorce, parents can work to develop a parenting plan that incorporates vacations and time away with the kids. It is common in parenting plans to provide each parent a certain number of days to take the children on vacation.  This time typically supersedes regular parenting plan – it is not a trade-off of days.  The parenting plan can outline further parameters on vacations, such as:
  • How much notice should be given for an upcoming trip.
  • Whether or not vacations can incorporate missing school.
  • Number of consecutive days allowed.
  • Communication parameters between the off-duty parent and the children while on vacation.
  • How far the children may be taken and what activities are permissible.
Parents often also work out the finances of a vacation in the divorce.  Sometimes vacation expenses are built into budgets and spousal maintenance obligations and other times each parent covers their own vacation expenses with the children. When parents work together on a parenting plan, they can come up with good resolutions about vacations and travel. A good collaborative professional can help start this process.  
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157494477-redheaded-girl-in-cloud-of-leaves-gettyimagesLooking for some Twin Cities fun on a budget? Going from a duel income to a single income is not only difficult, but can bring on many emotions, especially if it leaves you feeling inadequate with providing for your children. There are so many low and no cost options out there that you don’t have to feel your children are missing out if you are on a single parent budget. Here are some of our favorites:
  • Como Zoo (free)
  • Minneapolis Sculpture Garden (free)
  • Walker Art Center (free admission Thursdays from 5-9pm)
  • Minnesota History Center (free admission Tuesdays from 5-8pm)
  • Fishing at many local community piers and parks (free)
  • Minnehaha Falls (free)
  • Three Rivers Parks District: Elm Creek Park Reserve, Lowery nature Center, Minnetonka Regional Park, etc. (free admission and many free activities and play equipment). Tip: make a list for a scavenger hunt before you go, kids LOVE scavenger hunts!
  • Minnesota Children’s Museum (free admission the 3rd Sunday of each month)
  • Outdoor concerts in the summer: Minneapolis Music in the Parks and St. Paul Music in the Parks, as well as many suburban concert series (free)
  • Movies in the Park in Summer: many area options (free)
  • Minnesota Landscape Arboretum (free admission every third Thursday of the month after 4:30 pm April through October)
  • Farmer’s Markets: many area options, check your city and surrounding areas for dates and times. Tip: If you go close to the end of the day many vendors may have reduced their prices or are willing to negotiate on fresh produce. (free admission)
  • Bike or walk the area trails. We are very blessed with many quality area trails like the Luce Line, Dakota Rail Regional Trail, etc. Tip: Another great place for a scavenger hunt!
  • Local beaches in the summer – We are in the land of 10,000 lakes, there are so many options for free swimming and sand castle fun!
  • Local art fairs, craft fairs, car shows, etc. Admission is typically free and it is so fun to walk around and look at everything.
Also be sure to check out local discount websites such a www.SaveOn.com, www.Groupon.com, and www.LivingSocial.com, where you can find deep discounts on local amusement parks, museums, the arboretum, restaurants, and more!
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Your divorce probably has you feeling like everything is beyond your control. Now imagine the lack of control your children are feeling. Yesterday they had a family with two parents living under the same roof, and today their family life as they knew it is torn apart. Your children may not have any idea how things got to this point, much less have the ability to change things. While it is seemingly impossible to feel in control right now, as a parent it is your role to support your children and help them to cope with the stress of the divorce. Focusing on these four components should help to lessen the stress on your children: patience, reassurance, structure, and stability. Patience. Have the patience to answer your child’s never ending questions they may have about the divorce. Offer them a listening ear and time to vent. Patience is tricky, especially when you are going through such a stressful time in your life. This is why it becomes so incredibly important for you to take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be. Do whatever you can not to take your own stress out on your children. Even if it’s as simple as locking yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes to cool off – do it. Reassurance. Reassure your children that they are still loved by both parents, and that they did not cause this. Reassure them that it is ok to have fun and enjoy their time with each parent by not acting jealous or getting upset. Do not put your child in a situation where they are forced to pick a side, which will only cause them more stress. Reassure them that you will get through this together, and that this is not the end of their family, but rather the beginning of a different type of family for them. Structure. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind your children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. This is where parenting plans come into play and are so important to maintaining structure. A toddler may not know what day of the week it is, but something as simple as a color coded weekly calendar showing them what days they go to moms house at what days they go to dads house can help them to understand their routine. A preteen or teen may benefit more from an electronic calendar, where they know exactly who is picking them up from school and activities each day. Find what works best for maintaining structure in your family and stick to it. Stability. It is important to maintain structure in order to provide stability for your children. If one parent has bailed on picking up the kids for the past two weeks, that child no longer has the stability in their life to help them cope with the stress of divorce. Parents in this situation will often stop telling their children when the other parent is going to pick them up because they hate to see them get disappointed. When this happens the parenting plan needs to be addressed and reevaluated. Not only is it stressful on the parent when the other doesn’t follow through, but it is incredibly stressful on children. All of these points go hand in hand with one another. The more stability and structure you have, the more reassured your child will be. Divorce may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.
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87885485-we-like-the-swing-ride-gettyimagesWe are currently enjoying the annual Minnesota Get-Together.  The State Fair is an annual ritualistic event that many Minnesotans appreciate.  When families are divorcing, it is often important to continue to maintain these rituals to keep consistency for children. When conflict overwhelms a divorce these important factors may be lost.  A collaborative process, that focuses on the interests of the parties can help keep these important rituals in the family. Many families take the annual trek to St. Paul, Minnesota to the State Fair grounds. Whether they drive and pay $20 to park on someone’s lawn or jump in a church parking lot and take a free shuttle, they all end up at the Fair. Once there, they may play games in the Midway, taste meatloaf on a stick or Sweet Martha’s Cookies, or explore the many educational/agricultural opportunities. There are parades and musical performances. Animals galore. It seems everyone has their own “way” of exploring the Fair. When a family divorces, the annual Fair-going event may change.  Some families can maintain the traditions and attend the fair together, despite the new status of divorce. Other families may trade-off the Fair event each year or share it in some way (mom and dad swap at the corner of Cosgrove and Randall). Or maybe a family friend or grandparent will maintain the tradition. What is most unfortunate, however, is when these types of traditions are lost altogether.  It may result from financial challenges or anger between the parents.  Sometimes rituals are just lost in the transitions – they may be forgotten.  A collaborative process can help to keep the focus of divorce on the children.  Keeping the focus on what matters most to them will help keep these types of rituals in the forefront.  As a whole, the family will be better off and rituals can be maintained if you work together on the outcomes.
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180411776-studio-shot-of-books-stacked-and-apple-next-gettyimagesNow that everyone is back to school, here are some important things to remember for divorced families: 1. Be Mindful of the Schedule. Parents often look forward to the routine and structure of school, that is often lost in the summer months. Kids need that same sort of structure.  Depending on the age of the children, help keep them apprised of the schedule with an online-scheduler or written calendar.  Remember that changes to a schedule affect everyone – so be mindful of how adjustments will be accepted by everyone.  You have to balance flexibility and adaptability. 2. Stock up on School Supplies. Kids often display anxiety with the need to remember clothes, school supplies, or materials for extra curricular activities (sports equipment, musical instruments, school supplies, etc.).  Make sure both houses are stocked up or the kids have a good routine (with parent support) to make sure they have everything they need at both homes. 3. Start Communicating. There are so many elements of children’s daily lives that they are interested in sharing after a busy day at school. And then the school often communicates with parents via emails or handouts.  Sometimes things are learned during school pick-up or by talking to another parent.  This information should be shared — come up with a routine for sharing relevant information about the kids so that both parents are fully informed. Daily emails or texts are often an easy way to keep the off duty parent informed. 4. Plan for Homework and Activities. Kids often have full schedules afters school. Between homework and extra-curricular activities, many parents feel as if their after school hours are as busy as their work days.  Together with the children come up with a plan to manage the responsibilities every day.  It is okay to have different schedules at each home, but consider coordinating efforts or sharing your plan so both homes can best support the children. 5. Plan for Downtime. Life gets busy.  Make effort to find time for fun and relaxation as the busy life of school starts up.  Everyone deserves a break – so plan for a game night or go see a movie.  You will all appreciate a little downtime.