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459360497The world is full of divorce experts willing to give you “free” advice about how to handle your divorce. Divorce is so common today that everyone from your hair stylist to your parents are likely to have advice about how you should handle your divorce. There are several reasons why this amateur advice is almost always detrimental. Here are just a few:
  1. Lacking Context. The opinions that most people have about how to divorce is significantly biased by a small slice of information that is out of context. A divorce usually involves numerous issues. It is very difficult to know how one issue should be handled without having a thorough understanding of all of the other issues. Skilled divorce attorneys can help put these issues in context in ways that will help you get a better settlement.
  2. Emotional enmeshment. Many of your friends or families members may have an emotional reaction to your divorce that will alter their advice. Often that emotional reaction triggers a desire to protect you by urging you to take a more aggressive stance. This generally leads to stirring up acrimony that will actually make it more difficult for you to achieve your highest goals.
The Solution: Be wary of free advice. Make a distinction between the people in your life who can advise you and the people in your life who can provide you with personal or emotional support. All people going through divorce can use emotional and personal support to help them through a difficult time. Reach out to your friends and family to provide you with that emotional support and ask them to refrain from providing legal advice. At the same time, you should thoroughly research attorneys and even interview several people to find a good fit, and then select an attorney that you truly trust. Once you find a qualified professional that you trust to give legal advice, rely on the advice you are purchasing, rather than the free advice from friends and family members. To find attorneys to interview and to explain your options, go to www.collaborativepractice.org and www.divorcechoice.com.
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186820735In Part I we learned that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model is hard on the people involved because by focusing on the 3rd-party decision maker, e.g., the judge, the parties care little about each other’s view.  As a result, their relationship can become more adversarial.  In Part II we learned that by removing the decision maker in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model the parties become the decision makers who resolve mutual problems based on their defined future needs, interests, and goals.  But is the removal of the 3rd party decision maker enough to create a process that is truly “soft” on the people? Most people who have gone through a divorce agree that divorce is much more than a legal event.  More importantly divorce is about changing relationships, improving communication, establishing co-parenting, engaging in problem-solving, and securing a stable financial future.  But many divorce processes do not adequately address these more important concerns, thus limiting divorce to simply a legal commodity. To gain the added value of improving your relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, of becoming successful co-parents, of mutually planning for the future, and of customizing your financial arrangement to meet the needs of all family members within the resources available, requires the assistance and expertise of NEUTRAL professionals.   These neutral professionals include a Neutral Financial Professional, a Neutral Coach, and a Neutral Child Specialist.  This team approach is the “secret sauce” used in the Collaborative Model that can transform the experience of this life event into something constructive, affirming, and even peaceful.  Obviously, this is of great benefit to children. Diagram - The Power of Neutrality 082814 In addition to the support and expertise provided, the neutrality of the neutral professionals balances attorney advocacy.  This permits the attorney to stay in the problem-solving and interest-based advocacy role for his or her client, while the neutral professionals hold the ground for resolution on behalf of the whole family.  This interdisciplinary, holistic approach to advocacy and expertise is what distinguishes the Collaborative Model from any other model out there. Collaborative professionals like to say this model contributes to world peace one family at a time.  If this approach makes sense to you, tell your friends, family, and colleagues about the Collaborative Model and contribute to world peace.
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497335421If you have created an estimated monthly budget for your new household after a divorce, know that it will likely change down the road. You may discover after a few months that your spending estimates were unrealistic in some areas while other areas of spending were surprising or unexpected. Here are some tips for projecting your expenses realistically into the future. Plan for car purchases. Even if you don’t have a car payment now, you’ll need to replace your car at some point. Consider including a figure in your projected expenses for “car savings.” If you usually keep a car for eight to 10 years and think you’ll spend about $25,000 on a new vehicle, save $260 a month to buy a newer car for cash when the time comes. This means no new car payment, but you’ll have a new vehicle! If you purchase cars more often, factor in the sale or trade-in of your existing car when determining how much to save. Keep up with car maintenance. The older the car you have, the more money you should set aside for unexpected repairs as well as maintenance. Maintenance could include oil changes, replacing tires, fixing brakes, tune-ups and other recommended inspections. Regular maintenance will help your car last longer too. Escrow for home repairs. A good rule of thumb for home maintenance costs is to escrow 1 to 2 percent of the value of your home each year. A home valued at $300,000, for example, could have annual maintenance costs of $3,000 to $6,000. Costs will be on the higher end for older homes or maintenance you will hire out. Maintenance could include:
  • Replacing the roof, siding or windows
  • Caring for lawn and garden, landscaping, drainage
  • Fixing and replacing appliances
  • Repairs to plumbing or electrical
  • Cleaning and replacing carpets
  • Painting
  • Pool maintenance
  • Small maintenance for light bulbs, furnace filters, etc.
You might not need the full annual budget for maintenance every year, but you may need more than the budget in other years. Start a holiday savings account. December gift giving, let alone birthday and anniversary gifting, are often missed when budgeting. Consider the gifts you give, the decorating costs and entertaining you host as part of a holiday savings account. This is one area that, once budgeted, people often decide to scale down in future years. However, if it’s a priority for you, you’ll have cash to enjoy it instead of worries about the bills later! Vacations should be planned with cash. If you routinely take one family vacation a year or take trips to visit friends and family, add these expenses to your monthly budget and put away cash to cover costs that include airfare, car rentals, lodging, meals, touring and shopping. Don’t forget to budget for “big box” spending. People often create a projected budget for groceries or school shopping expenses, but an easier way to budget is to create a “big box” category to cover shopping at stores like Wal-Mart, Target, Costco or other department/membership stores. If you find yourself shopping at these stores at least twice a month, budget for the trips and bring cash. These are just a few of the ways you can project your future expenses and plan ahead. Other categories to consider include: health care, debt payments, charitable giving, and entertainment. Adjust your amounts as you start to see a pattern month to month, and you’ll have a clearer picture of your cash flow forecast!
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182021502The Collaborative divorce process is one of many ways to divorce. It’s not for everyone. So how do you know whether it is right for you and your spouse or partner? Here are a few questions to help you decide:
  • Do you want your children to be in the center rather than in the middle?
  • Do you want your lawyer to be a wise counselor rather than a hired gun?
  • Are you willing to be in the same room with your spouse or partner?
  • Are you able to speak for yourself and articulate your own goals and interests?
  • Are you open to solutions that respect both your and your spouse’s interests?
  • Do you want to focus on future solutions rather than past disagreements?
  • Do you want a comfortable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse?
  • Are you willing to experience and live with some discomfort at times during your divorce?
  • Do you want solutions that take into consideration the uniqueness of your family?
  • Do you want to model healthy dispute resolution for your children, friends and family?
  • Do you want to be able to look back on your divorce and feel good about both the outcome and how you handled yourself during the process?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, another, more traditional divorce process may be a better choice for you. Collaborative divorce is best-suited for couples who understand the value of divorcing well. How you divorce greatly impacts your children’s well-being and your own ability to move forward in life without resentment. If you answered “yes” to these questions, the Collaborative divorce process may be a good choice for you. To find out more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and contact a Collaborative professional.
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98680904Cash flow refers to how your money moves in your household, from the time it is received to when it is spent. When your cash flow is “positive,” it means you have more money coming in than going out; you are spending less than you take in each month. You want positive cash flow in order to pay for expenses and also save and invest money for goals. After a divorce, however, you may find your cash flow is tight or even negative. That is, you are spending your cash almost to zero each month or spending even more than you take into the household. To improve your cash flow, here are several steps to take: 1. List all your sources of income. Your income could include any of the following:
  • Spousal maintenance/alimony
  • Child support
  • Part-time and full-time wages, bonuses and commissions
  • Self-employed income
  • Rental income
  • Royalties
  • Investment income
  • Pensions or draws from retirement accounts
Different sources of income are taxed differently, so you need to know your true after-tax income. Consult a CPA or financial advisor to learn more about this. You’ll also need to know how often you receive each source of income and if it’s fixed/guaranteed (paychecks) or variable (self-employment income). 2. Determine your historical monthly spending. Look back 6-12 months to get an accurate picture of expenses. This could include everything from car or home maintenance to vacations, kids’ sports activities or insurance premiums. Look up spending summaries on your Quicken account or request statements from your bank or credit card companies. Don’t make yourself crazy trying to document every expense to the penny. Just come up with a monthly average per expenditure (e.g. $1,000 on holiday gifts averages out to about $83 a month). Reviewing your spending habits can be a valuable exercise. You’ll likely see areas where you could realistically cut spending in order to improve your cash flow. 3. Decide if positive cash flow requires more income or less spending – or both! There are only two ways to improve cash flow: increase your income or reduce spending. You can increase income by finding a job, increasing the hours you work or finding a different job with a better salary. You could also consider returning to school to train for a better-paying job. Temporary jobs, such as retail during the holiday season, can also provide a cash cushion to meet immediate or pressing needs. If you are already working as much as you can, then look for ways to cut spending. Divide your expenses into fixed expenses (like rent or mortgage), escrow expenses (such as insurance or taxes), and living expenses (groceries, haircuts, school expenses). It is often in the living expenses category that you can find areas to cut — at least short term — in order to create a more workable budget and money habits. Keep going back to this list and making cuts until your budget is less than your income. If you are in the habit of using credit cards as your cash overflow account and aren’t paying off the balance each month, this is another sign that you may not have positive cash flow. Stop using credit for any living expenses and give yourself a cash allowance instead. You will quickly assess needs and wants by looking at the remaining cash in your wallet as the weeks go by. Be gentle with yourself. A new cash flow system takes 30 to 90 days to start showing positive results. Staying in a budget takes practice, but can become fun as you have more money to save for vacation or that retirement dream.
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173298779When you are ready to start a divorce, nothing creates more frustration than the reluctant spouse.  How are you supposed to move forward with your life when your husband or wife doesn’t want a divorce?  Here is my advice for dealing with the spouse who is dragging their feet. 1.  Keep your long-term goals in the forefront, rather than taking short-term aggressive action. A friend of mine from another state called me recently to tell me about her meeting with a divorce lawyer. My friend wants a divorce; her husband doesn’t. The lawyer said she ought to serve and file divorce papers on her husband and tell her three children about the divorce by herself so she controlled the story to the kids. This kind of advice is what gives lawyers a bad name. Like most people with kids, my friend wants to protect them from conflict and have a good co-parenting relationship after the divorce. That means she has to work with her husband, not set up a firestorm of conflict by launching an aggressive attack.  2. Get the right support to help your spouse. A spouse who is not emotionally ready to handle a divorce can make the process difficult. It’s much more effective to connect with resources to help your spouse accept the divorce. If you have been in marriage counseling, you could enlist the counselor to facilitate conversations about your desire for a divorce and options for proceeding. Discernment counseling, which is a limited scope form of therapy, is another approach. Or you could work with a collaborative divorce coach, who is skilled at working with couples who are have a gap in their respective readiness to proceed with divorce.  3.  Use the time to gather necessary financial documents.  While you are letting your spouse play “catch up” emotionally, it helps to feel like you are taking steps to move forward. One task that has to happen is gathering financial information. You can contact a collaborative financial neutral to find out about their services and the information that will be needed. You can gather records, such as tax returns, mortgage documents, bank statements, and credit card statements. You can look into insurance costs as an individual and look into housing options. Gathering all the financial information usually takes some time, and there is no reason why you can’t get a start on that important step. It will make things go more quickly once you are ready to start the process. It is rare for both spouses to be in the same place emotionally when deciding to end a marriage. If you can give your spouse some time and support to accept that the marriage is over, you gain a less frustrating divorce process and a foundation for a good working relationship as co-parents.
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98680904Cash flow refers to how your money moves in your household, from the time it is received to when it is spent. When your cash flow is “positive,” it means you have more money coming in than going out; you are spending less than you take in each month. You want positive cash flow in order to pay for expenses and also save and invest money for goals. After a divorce, however, you may find your cash flow is tight or even negative. That is, you are spending your cash almost to zero each month or spending even more than you take into the household. To improve your cash flow, here are several steps to take: 1. List all your sources of income. Your income could include any of the following:
  • Spousal maintenance/alimony
  • Child support
  • Part-time and full-time wages, bonuses and commissions
  • Self-employed income
  • Rental income
  • Royalties
  • Investment income
  • Pensions or draws from retirement accounts
Different sources of income are taxed differently, so you need to know your true after-tax income. Consult a CPA or financial advisor to learn more about this. You’ll also need to know how often you receive each source of income and if it’s fixed/guaranteed (paychecks) or variable (self-employment income). 2. Determine your historical monthly spending. Look back 6-12 months to get an accurate picture of expenses. This could include everything from car or home maintenance to vacations, kids’ sports activities or insurance premiums. Look up spending summaries on your Quicken account or request statements from your bank or credit card companies. Don’t make yourself crazy trying to document every expense to the penny. Just come up with a monthly average per expenditure (e.g. $1,000 on holiday gifts averages out to about $83 a month). Reviewing your spending habits can be a valuable exercise. You’ll likely see areas where you could realistically cut spending in order to improve your cash flow. 3. Decide if positive cash flow requires more income or less spending – or both! There are only two ways to improve cash flow: increase your income or reduce spending. You can increase income by finding a job, increasing the hours you work or finding a different job with a better salary. You could also consider returning to school to train for a better-paying job. Temporary jobs, such as retail during the holiday season, can also provide a cash cushion to meet immediate or pressing needs. If you are already working as much as you can, then look for ways to cut spending. Divide your expenses into fixed expenses (like rent or mortgage), escrow expenses (such as insurance or taxes), and living expenses (groceries, haircuts, school expenses). It is often in the living expenses category that you can find areas to cut — at least short term — in order to create a more workable budget and money habits. Keep going back to this list and making cuts until your budget is less than your income. If you are in the habit of using credit cards as your cash overflow account and aren’t paying off the balance each month, this is another sign that you may not have positive cash flow. Stop using credit for any living expenses and give yourself a cash allowance instead. You will quickly assess needs and wants by looking at the remaining cash in your wallet as the weeks go by. Be gentle with yourself. A new cash flow system takes 30 to 90 days to start showing positive results. Staying in a budget takes practice, but can become fun as you have more money to save for vacation or that retirement dream.
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471951467Recently I participated in a case debrief with other members of a Collaborative team.  The debrief, or case consultation, is a regular and ordinary part of Collaborative Team Practice.  Any team member can request a debrief to get an update or deal with an emerging issue, or they can be regularly scheduled by the neutral coach as part of team practice.  I usually don’t think twice about how remarkable these discussions can be.  But it is important to occasionally reflect on what makes Collaborative Team Practice uniquely able to tailor problem solving to the needs of clients. The issue we were addressing as a team was how to best support a divorcing couple to deal with hurtful and contentious behavior by extended family.  This is not an uncommon concern.  It can be difficult for extended family and friends to know how to behave during a divorce, and many default to taking sides.  This can aggravate an already painful situation, especially for children who find themselves in the middle when listening to an aunt, uncle, grandparent or other family member who is critical or dismissive of one parent. This issue had arisen several times while creating a parenting plan.  Because parents were working with me as a neutral child specialist, it was possible for us to generate options in an open way, e.g. inviting extended family members to a meeting with me to talk about the goals of Collaborative Team Practice and the importance of keeping kids at the center and out of the middle.  Parents and I agreed I should discuss their concerns and potential options with their team. In the team debrief, the attorneys and neutrals working with this family continued to openly address this issue with a problem solving approach, and more options were generated for supporting our clients and their children. Each team member was able to contribute nonjudgmental, constructive perspective and empathetic support.  We shared the commitment to assist our clients through a challenging time. In a different kind of divorce process, it would have been difficult to have such an open discussion about an issue with such potential to be polarizing. Team debriefs are clearly one of the strengths and value-added dimensions of the Collaborative Team Practice model.
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494330099As a society, we are inclined to attach shorthand labels to everything from parenting (Tiger Mom, Soccer Mom, Helicopter Parents) to politics (Red States and Blue States, the War on Drugs).  It’s a function of our human brains that we are wired to categorize concepts in order to make sense of the world, but sometimes it feels like we’ve put this tendency on steroids.  Too often people assume a label is sufficient to explain complex social phenomena (Obamacare, the Arab Spring) or to fully define an individual or group of people (Boomers, Gen X’ers, Millenials).  We confuse sound bites with explanations. Think about the times you’ve seen two shorthand labels in a headline, maybe with a “vs.” in between, and believed there was no need to read further to understand the situation (Israeli vs. Palestinian conflict).  It is easy to become polarized instead of thoughtful, rigid instead of nuanced.

I recently attended the Fetzer Symposium, a multidisciplinary gathering of Collaborative professionals, mediators, judges and others whose professional lives have been devoted to creativity and healing.  Each of the fifty participants was there because they were attracted to the theme:  “Divorce:  What does Love have to do With It?”  A rich tapestry of conversations, ideas and initiatives was created. Professional labels just weren’t that important—-everyone there was committed to reducing conflict in divorce.  I thought of the tendency we have to label family law processes and sometimes pit them against each other (collaborative vs. cooperative vs. adversarial vs. mediated vs. litigated).  Not only does it waste precious energy and create unnecessary conflict to oppose someone based solely on the label attached to their work, such animosity can also prevent us from looking further, going past the label to find our common values in helping families through crisis.   There is plenty of room at the family law table.  I felt honored and hopeful to be among so many family law professionals of all stripes who have earned the right to add peacemaking to other adjectives describing their work, not as a shorthand label but as an invitation to go beyond the label.
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LuMaxArt GREYGUY014In a recent collaborative divorce case, we learned from the clients that a tax liability of about $60,000 would be owed if they did not get their divorce by the end of the year. It was only a few days before Christmas and past the informal deadline set by the court for submitting final documents for a 2013 divorce. Adding to the challenge, my client had just changed her mind about a key provision in the financial settlement. I had already prepared and circulated a draft of the agreement which had been reviewed by our clients and an expert who had helped them with planning and financial issues concerning their special needs child. Now it all seemed to be unraveling and I fought against the urge to find someone to blame and prove it wasn’t me (I bet these thoughts crossed the minds of the clients and others on the team). Instead, we got to work on the problems as a team. The attorneys met with the expert concerning the special needs child and reviewed her suggested changes, made phone calls to our clients for approval, and drafted the new changes into the agreement. The child specialist who had worked with the clients during the collaborative process reviewed the suggested changes and made adjustments in the parenting plan which would be part of the final legal document. We also had some preliminary conversations with our clients about the proposed change my client wanted in the financial settlement and shared our clients’ views. The proposed change concerned the timing of the sale of real estate and the neutral financial expert who had worked with us during the collaborative process had been contacted about this issue. We checked calendars with the clients and the financial neutral and scheduled a meeting–unfortunately, the husband’s attorney was not available at the only time which worked for the rest of the team and the clients. We agreed to meet and the attorney for the husband would be available during the meeting by phone and email. We also needed to get a judge assigned to our case. The Joint Petition, which had been prepared in the beginning of the collaborative process, was filed with the court, which got us an assigned judge. The attorneys discussed strategy and we agreed that the husband’s attorney would take the lead in the calls requesting an expedited court process. There were a number of complications, including the fact that the judge was leaving on vacation that day. I listened in on the calls and was happy to hear that the judge’s clerk, after consulting with the judge, agreed to email the agreement to the judge once it was filed and the judge agreed to review it while on vacation. We still needed a final agreement on the financial settlement. At the meeting the next day, the financial neutral took the lead and discussed the consequences of the proposed change, which would also affect the funding for education for their children. Options were considered and discussed. I was present at the meeting but had agreed on a ground rule with the other attorney that I would refer to her all questions of substance from her client. As we developed the terms of the final agreement, the substance was shared with that attorney in phone calls and emails. I prepared the final draft of the agreement with the new terms, the clients and attorneys (one by email) signed, and it was filed with the court that day after an all morning meeting. The judge signed the final document and the clients were divorced in 2013. The key reasons for our success in working through the challenges: 1) The clients and professionals focused on solving the problems rather than assigning blame for the problems. 2) Clients and professionals relied on the strengths and expertise of different members of the team. 3) Trust among professionals allowed for flexibility and candor in the process. 4) Clients kept uppermost in mind the big picture goals for the family as a whole.